The Right or Wrong "No"
The first memory I have of my mother yelling "no" was when I ran out into the street as a two year old and was nearly hit by a car. "No" to a child is for safety and to teach right and wrong. But through our teenage years, "no" becomes irritating and frustrating. We chafed at the restraints our parents imposed but we also learned valuable lessons along the way.

The Dreaded Family "No"
As we grow older, we begin to test the boundaries of "no." It moved beyond the issue of right or wrong, to a statement of independence. When I was in my early twenties, I announced to my family that I wanted to go to graduate school and become a writer. One (whose name I shall not reveal) said "No, you'll never do it." Another said "No, when are you going to get a real job." You see, they were scientists and although I had a earned my first degree in Pharmacology, I didn't want to work in the lab all day. I came to understand that sometimes families, despite their best of intentions, have difficulty accepting new ideas or that someone in the family wants to do something differently. Their "no's" made me want to succeed and I did earn a Master's Degree and have now written several books. It was important for me to pursue my own dreams.

The Absurd "No" of Disability Rights
Employers are well known sources of "no." After a brief hospital stay because of my IC, my employer said "no, you can't work." I was downsized out of my position but later sued for disability discrimination and received a nice settlement. I find it absurd that my employer apparently believed that the disabled could not be valuable employees. Their "no" taught me to not accept someone elses reduced expectations. IC doesn't mean that we can't work. It does mean that we have to find new ways of working and contributing to those around us.

The Heartbreak of "No"
Ahhh... love.. the joys of love... and the devastation of a break up. Is there anyone out there who hasn't asked, at least once in their life, "Do you still love me?" and be answered "no." Born through tears, we eventually learn that these "no's" are often destiny and that, right around the corner, there is someone who we are meant to be with. After IC, I learned that life is too short to be with a "no."

The Self Limiting, Anxiety Produced "No"
For several years, I practiced the self limiting "no." It became second nature to say "No, I can't travel with IC" or "No, I can't have sex with IC" or "No, I don't want to do that because my bladder hurts." In hindsight, I realized that my own fears, rather than IC, were stopping me. Now, with a reliable IC Tool Kit at hand, I've learned that when I try, I very often succeed. I took a great class in anxiety management and learned that I can travel with IC! I can have sex with IC. I can do many things with IC!

The Healing in "No"
Luckily, I haven't had doctors tell me "no" as so many of you have mentioned. I was lucky. When I asked for information, they provided it. When I asked for pain medication, my doctor said "yes." But there's another type of "no" that a doctor can say to us that is positive and affirming. One day, I was crying in his office and asked "what did I do wrong to deserve this?" He said "No! Stop! You have done nothing wrong. You just got sick." That was a healing "no" because I recognized that I was blaming myself for something I could not have caused. It set me free.

The Who Do You Think You Are "No"
As a new IC support group leader, I had a lot of ideas and received a lot of "no's." I asked about doing a newsletter and building the first web site on IC and they said "no." We did both anyway and paid for it ourselves because there were people who needed information and support. Our "yes, we can do that" wasn't a sign of arrogance. It was a hand held out that was willing to contribute to the cause. The IC Network would not have born if we hadn't received those first "no's." Sometimes, it's important to say "I can do this" even when others, out of fear or envy or frustration, say that you can't.

The Do It Yourself "No"
Just as others have said "no" to me, I have had to to say "no" to those who would like to do things on our web site that I couldn't support. I hope that they take my "no" the same way I took other "no's" and follow their dreams. As we get older, we realize that success isn't handed to us. Our life path and our self respect depends on the actions that we take and the pathway that we choose for ourselves. We must pray that we have the strength to step forward, with passion and on our own, to follow our dreams. We learn not to rely on others to make it easier. More often than not, we have to do the work ourselves.

Conclusion
Darlene Jenks once wrote "To do nothing is failure. To try, and in the trying you make some mistakes and then you make some positive changes as a result of those mistakes, is to learn and to grow and to blossom." When I hear "no" today, I've learned that it is a word filled with opportunity and learning. If I have an idea, I know now that I should follow it for as long as I can. "No" actually makes me want to work harder, to make my life better and to find a way to make it happen on my terms. For no matter what anyone else says to me, I am uniquely responsible for my own destiny. It's not easy hearing "no," but it certainly can build courage, strength and self confidence.