Feb 2000: The Value of Time (by ICN User Julie B.)

So often the oldest among us say to the young ones, "How fast time flies!" or "You will be done with high school before you know it and will be off to college." Or when the babies are born, they remark, "Time goes so fast, enjoy every moment you can." Well, I turned 40 this year, as did my husband, and lately I have had many reasons to contemplate this wisdom. Last fall I witnessed the birth of my best friend's baby, and then came home to gather my three teens into my arms, wondering myself where the time went. I steal glances of my beautiful first born each day, holding back the tears. I silently pray that when she goes off to college next year, that I have done the very best I can to prepare her for the world. And I have been privileged to listen as my parents reminisce about their 42 years of marriage, their memories clouded with the knowledge that cancer is quickly stealing their tomorrows.

But I also value time from a different perspective, that of a person with a chronic illness, an illness that can involve pain that experts say is worse than that of a cancer patient. For two years I exhausted myself and my family, hop scotching through the medical system to get a reasonable diagnosis for my symptoms. I was treated and "mis"treated over and over. I took antibiotics for a year for an infection that didn't exist. The drug I was given to help regain my confidence and energy made me sleep instead. There were nights I would curl up on the bathroom floor until the pain would subside enough to allow me to sleep. When the pain was at its worst no one could touch me. It was as though each nerve in my body was connected to the pain receptors in my brain. The only way to get through it was to become very, very still. I was frustrated, angry and weary. I recall afternoons when I would pick up my children from school, wanting desperately to enjoy their banter about the day, only to return home and lie down again, the exhaustion unexplainable. There was also the dilemma of needing to grieve these losses, yet I recognized that each moment spent in grief took even more time from my life. I needed to learn to cope.

When the pain does return, I am learning not to panic, but to breathe and live gently with the pain until my medications can do their job.

Eventually I began looking at this illness from a human perspective. When my dad was diagnosed with cancer it hit me that eventually everybody has some disease they must contend with. I reminded myself frequently that people with diabetes must monitor their diets and people with arthritis also live with chronic pain. With guidance from three wonderful physicians, I finally found a combination of medications that has helped me get through most nights with very little pain. When the pain does return, I am learning not to panic, but to breathe and live gently with the pain until my medications can do their job. I have learned that although the pain can be triggered by different things, it can be unpredictable as well. Part of coping was learning to use my pain-free time wisely. I exercise when I can, rest when I need to. I play and pay bills and do chores when I am well. I am realizing that there is very little room in my life for procrastination. That is a challenge to me still. I am still working to give away the extra pounds that have come on because of medication and inactivity. Oh yes, and I finally realized that there is no strawberry, tomato, or alcoholic beverage that is worth even ten minutes of pain.

I have learned the value of prioritizing. I have once again cut down hours at work. I am cherishing even the shortest periods of time with each member of my family. And these days, I am only investing myself in those people who know the life giving value of love and true friendship. As sad as it sounds, I cannot afford to spend time with people whose habit it is to continually take from me without ever giving anything back. I figure if they haven't gotten "it" by now, they won't be changing on my account anytime soon.

I don't bother with depressing movies. If it doesn't promise
to renew my soul or make me laugh, it is not worth my time.

I used to joke about developing a philosophy that I called "The Disney Way of Enjoying Life." For years our family and extended family have gone to Disney World on vacations. It has always baffled me when people return from a special place like that only to gripe about "not getting to do this, and that the lines were too long to even do that!" Well, I don't buy it. Even if you are waiting in line there is something to appreciate, something to entertain. There are fountains and displays of flowers like no where else in the world, and beautiful music is piped out of every corner of the park. The whole complex is designed to bring pleasure to all the senses. There is more to Disney World than just the fireworks, shows and rides if you will just allow yourself to enjoy it. And there is more to our daily lives than the schedules we keep.

I don't hesitate anymore to buy a card for someone for no reason at all. I take a lot of pleasure in pulling even my 18 year old into my lap for a cuddle. If the family can't have dinner together at night, I am learning to make a dessert, or take one of the kids out to dinner for one on one time, or I will write little notes and stick them to their bedroom doors. I love to create and be the recipient of surprises. My husband and even my children will buy flowers for me, but if it has been awhile, instead of griping as I have in the past, I will buy them for myself. The beauty in the flowers themselves will make a dark day brighter.

We go to church, and we participate. If we participate, I have found we are more likely to be on time, and that is one less aggravation for all of us. I play my flute. It is not symphony, but I have learned that even if I make a mistake I will not evaporate in shame. There is strength in the knowledge that I CAN and WILL carry on. And next time I will do better. I sing at the top of my lungs in the car with or without company. The girls and I love to pull up beside another car and recognize that those people are singing to the same radio station that we are. Music is healing.

I have learned to cry when I need to; to let the frustrations and hurt flow out of me, for only when my mind becomes clear again can I hear the answers that I seek.

Just as I avoid certain people these days, I don't bother with depressing movies. If it doesn't promise to renew my soul or make me laugh, it is not worth my time. I love to catch the eye of a child in a grocery cart and make them smile. And if the mommy looks a little harried, I may just say a kind word to her, for I am grateful to all the women who did that for me in the past. Thanks to the computer and the internet, I visit nearly everyday with people who share my condition. If they need some kindness, I hope I can give it, and it is there that I can always find a boost for myself if I only ask. It is important to have bonds with people who intimately understand what life can be like for me. If they can make it, well then I can too.

Lastly, I have learned the value of doing nothing. This may seem contrary to my reflections here, but it is important to be quiet enough to hear what God has to say to me for a change, instead of endlessly pleading with Him to take the hurt away. I have found that the Holy Spirit works in me the best, when I resist the least. I have learned to cry when I need to; to let the frustrations and hurt flow out of me, for only when my mind becomes clear again can I hear the answers that I seek.

There are days when all of this means nothing of course. This essay is not an arrogant means to prove how well adjusted I am these days, but rather an exercise to reinforce these things within myself. I need to continue to develop resources that help me whisk away the anger, resentment and pain as quickly as possible. I want to spend as much of my valuable time as I can on positive things. For this is all any of our lives add up to.

Comments & Feedback may be mailed to Julie B at: JABRD777@aol.com