Dear Frannie,
Q. My parents and friends say my illness has become my identity. This bothers me and insults me. What can I do to express to them that I am changed by it?

A. It's interesting to watch others respond to us when they have not been in our shoes. People can be harsh and place judgment. This only illustrates their ignorance. Have compassion for them. You are well on your journey, they haven't started theirs yet. Everything that happens to you in your life forever changes you. Chronic illness changes you forever.

But....we become defined not by what happens to us but by how we respond to it. We cannot change what has already happened or what remains to be true, but we can respond in a way so that we make the world a better place, because of it. This gives us all something to think about. Life is not about having lemons, its about making lemonade.

I think if you realize this, the next time someone tells you that you define yourself by your illness, you can look back in their face and tell them "No...I have made lemonade out of my lemons".

Dear Frannie,
Q. When your illness becomes so chronic that you cannot do the things you used to do for enjoyment, how do you lift that deep inner feeling that is robbing you of your life?

A. By taking action. This is the best time to begin to build the "new you,"

1. Write down your areas of interest on a piece of paper. Put a check mark next to the things that your illness does not prevent you from doing.

2. Next to these check-marked interests, place an arrow. Then write down a planned action that you might take when in the right frame of mind to do so.

3. Take this action when you are ready.

4. Remember the most important way to avoid depression is by taking definitive action. Taking an action keeps you from staying in limbo or becoming paralyzed with fear about doing something new. You don't have to take 10 actions at once...if you take one action or you take 3 actions, the results will remain the same in your mind. You will be proud of yourself and that you accomplished this task as you begin to move forward.

Along with taking action regarding your interests there is a second area you need to take action in as well. In building a new and better you, you can take action by working on your inner self and your spirit.
5. List five qualities of the person you have always wanted to be.

6. Draw an arrow next to the quality....and write down the action needed in order to begin to assume this quality.

7. Take this action. For example...a quality can be "kindness to others." An action can be, "be kinder to those I come in contact with at the stores that I visit."

After you have a list of these new qualities that you want to add to your life, and an action...you will begin to feel like a new you. Try adding kindness, compassion, reverence, humor, thoughtfulness to your life by sharing this part of yourself with others. There is no better way to feel worthy and needed than to begin by helping others.

Dear Frannie,
Q. My illness makes me very nearly homebound. One of the hardest things to deal with is the social isolation. I dont have friends, and I cannot go out and make new ones. I have tried to make friends on-line, but that's not easy to do. Do you have any suggestions for how one can make new friends when one is limited in where one can go and what one can do?

A. Social isolation is a harsh reality when living with chronic illness both for the patient and for the caregiver. One finds that while being ill for a period of time that old friends tend to shy away, unsure of what to say and do, and new friends are hard to find, given the restrictions of endurance that you as the patient may face.

For a time when I became ill, I joined support groups in order to find people such as I, who were isolated and alone, dealing with some of the same issues as I was. I soon found that I needed to have friends away from my illness to help me feel a part of the world that I was missing.
Some ways to meet people and develop new friendships based upon who you are now:

1. If you have access to a computer, type your interests into a search engine and find web pages for those with the same interests. See if a list serve is available and join. A list serve is a mailing list that you can be on regarding any topic. It becomes a conversation between you and many people interested in that topic. Here you will find others with the same interests. You can find groups for just about anything. When my boys were leaving for college I joined www.emptynestmoms.com and met other mothers with children leaving for college. There are many groups with areas of interest out there where you can connect with others.

2. Try to take a class at a nearby Home Depot, community college, university, art school, church or religious center, even plant nursery to cater to one of your interest areas. Here you will meet others with a similar interest and attend a short class a few times a week. No one takes attendance at these classes so you are not obligated to attend if some of the time you are unable to do so. Sometimes classes like this are free and open to the public.

3. Remember your family members, as they can give out hugs, help you out and understand your feelings. Sometimes there is no friend as good as another family member who loves you and supports you unconditionally.

4. Initiate relationship rebuilding with old friends that you miss. Give old friends a call. Make it a point to talk with them about your situation and how you can keep your friendship alive. Discuss your interests, and perhaps share in a new interest together.

5. Begin a support group, or a group in the area of your interest. For those of us overcoming adversity, a spiritual group or a soul link group is a new place to start. Or you can begin a support group for your specific illness, if this interests you. Run a small add in the newspaper under support groups or if you are homebound try starting one on-line.

Dear Frannie,
Q. How can I explain my illness to friends, so they will not think I am being a wimp about things they want to do that I cannot?

A. Sometimes this fear of being called a "wimp" comes from within us....examine this possibility from within yourself. Is it possible that you are feeling low self-esteem because of the things you cannot do? There are many different types of friends. A true friend will ask about your illness and be concerned about you. A true friend will not want to stress you or make you feel worse. A true friend will be considerate of your feelings. Please keep this in mind, when dealing with this problem. You can:

1. Educate your friend about your illness. Give her articles or research journals with explanations or summaries of what you have.
2. Explain concisely of your limitations. Tell her what things you cannot do, so she is aware of these.
3. Explain to her what you can still do and which of the interests that you used to have together that you can continue.
4. Find new interests that you both can learn together, or share together that are not difficult for you to participate in. Invite your friend over to watch a movie, listen to music, or sit outdoors with you and talk.