Dear Frannie,
Q. My husband is so sick of hearing that I hurt. What can I do? I have even had my doctor to talk to him. He explained to him I have a chronic illness and how it effects my life, but still my husband says it's all about me. I don't do the things I used to do. I don't spend time with the children. I am always having to take my pain pills. I'm at my wits end in trying to explain myself. Help me please!

A. Sometimes we forget how difficult it is for our caregivers. Their job is equally as challenging as ours. Yes, they can walk away from our pain and we cannot. This is the major difference. However, we are there in their thoughts and lives at times every day, reminding them of their own vulnerabilities. Often we forget their side of things when we are living through chronic pain and illness ourselves. Please keep in mind the flip side of thinking regarding your spouse. It is quite a compliment that your husband still sees you in the same light as the same person. Don't take this necessarily as a bad thing; take it as the compliment that it is.

However, it is not realistic to ask you to pretend you are the same person you have always been. You are forever changed by this chronic illness. And realizing that, it is hard enough for you to find the new you with all the uncertainty that you deal with on a day to day basis and then to have to change back into the person that he married. Try the following:

1. Communication with your spouse: Have a sit down discussion with your spouse, listing the things that you feel you can no longer do. Tell your spouse that you love him and appreciate all he has done for you so far. Tell your spouse that you want to work together with him on a solution. This is sharing the control. Explain that you understand it is hard on him, and ask him what he might need from you to make it easier.

2. Communication with your children: Have a discussion with your children if they are old enough, about your illness. Tell them what it feels like to be you (without scaring them unnecessarily) and how you are trying hard to get well. Tell them that you want to be there for them. Be there to answer their questions about your illness and tell them you will be honest with them about when you need their help.

3. Communication with a professional: If talking with your spouse is not successful, find the name of a counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist who you can go to see to work on your adjustment issues to chronic illness. I am a strong believer in seeing professionals who are more likely to be aware of your medications, and what your illness truly is. This person will likely become an advocate. The long-term goal is to get your spouse into your appointments with you to discuss adjustment issues. Here your spouse will have the opportunity to air his or her feelings about the situation and you will have the opportunity to listen, hear and feel what he or she is feeling. Over time, working together, you will likely find a comfortable place in your relationship.

Dear Frannie,
Q. My doctor talks like my symptoms are all in my head. I know something is wrong with me. I hurt all the time. I am scared. What should I do?

A. Knowing you are ill and not knowing what is wrong is one of the most stressful things that one can experience in life, especially if it goes on long term. For me it went on for 15 years, long enough to change my life entirely.

A medical doctor may be trained in physiology, medicine and in psychology, but the amount of time you spend with your doctor is really not long enough for a full psychological evaluation. In this situation, I might ask myself...."Who knows me better? This doctor? Or me?"

Remember:
1. Trust in yourself. Believe in yourself. Trust that you will find good care and make the best decisions for you and your situation. Believe this, believe in you.

2. Do not lose your self-esteem. It is easy to lose your self-esteem when you are always trying to convince others of what you feel. Remember who you are and what you have done in your life. Don't lose sight of these things and your prior accomplishments. Don't lose sight of you.

3. No one knows you better than you know yourself. Have faith that you know yourself.

4. No one lives in your body with you, how can someone judge you? Do you really feel that your doctor is correct when he implies these symptoms are in your head? Or is it possible that your doctor does not know what is wrong with you?

5. You are worth saving. It is your inherent right.

6. Take action. If you feel something is wrong, search hard for an answer.

Many doctors do not say "I don't know" and when they are unsure of where to go with the diagnostic process, lay the responsibility back on you, instead of within themselves and their own limitations. If necessary find a new doctor, with a better communicating nature. Your doctor should not only be able to say, "I don't know," ...but he should also be able to point you to the place where you might find the right answers.

Dear Frannie,
Q. Since I have been ill, my family and friends seem to be visiting and calling less frequently. I feel like I am losing many of my old friends. Why is this happening?

A. I was in this situation for many many years. I could not understand it either, until one of my dearest friends explained it to me very gently. She told me simply, "What happened to you, Frannie, hits too close to home for me. Seeing you so sick and so suddenly, forces me to examine the possibilities that something like this can happen to me in my life." Keeping this in mind, do not take the fact that friends become scarce, personally. I know that is a really hard thing to do, but it is more a reflection of them and their own personal experiences, than it is one of you and your illness. Friends may not know how to act with a sick person. And when things become awkward because of this, it can be harder for them to visit you. You literally have to teach them what to do.

You may make it easier for your friends by doing the following:

1. Tell them what they can do to help you. Whether it is to pick up some groceries, drive you to a doctor's appointment, or to sit and listen to you speak. Give them a sense of direction. Tell them what you need. This eases their personal feelings of helplessness. If you lessen the feelings of helplessness, you will decrease the awkwardness.

2. Tell them how much you appreciate them. Just the fact that they are there with you spending time with you, express to them how much this means to you.

3. Start a new activity together. Teach your friend to knit, crochet, or play a new card game. Show your friend that you are still interested in making an effort in the friendship and creating new memories. This will also remind you that there are still things you can do. These are things that your friend will rely upon, and the friendship can continue to grow and flourish without awkwardness.

4. Communicate your feelings to your friend. Tell her that your friendship is important you. Explain about your illness and your limitations.

5. Remember you are turning into a new and better you, from the inside, out. You are changing in ways your friend may not understand. Most of us when we are ill become focused on ourselves. Some friendships will go by the wayside. This is a sad reality. But you will make new friends with the new, more enlightened, you. And when you are ready you will have much more than ever to offer a friend from the life-experiences your illness offers you.