::: April 2006 :::

Q: M y family has abandoned me.  They want nothing to do with my illness or me. I am alone and sick and I am afraid of the future.  How can I pass the time without worrying and being anxious? I can no longer do the things I used to that kept my mind occupied.  How do I find peace?

A: One of your mind’s worst fears is of being abandoned.  Whether it is the fantasy of being lost on a desert Island, the thought of a spouse leaving, or the fear of the death of someone close, abandonment runs like a seam through our lives. Fear of abandonment creates many issues for those of us who are in touch with it.  Facing abandonment, can be a painful journey.

In philosophy they speak of the theory of duality: there are truly two of us in our heads: the thinker (the mind) and the one who hears the thinker (the essence).  The conflict that our minds create, keeps us from being in touch with our essence: the basic heart of who we are.  In this busy world, our minds have become so overactive that it has become difficult for us to find our essence, as it is all covered up with “mind stuff”.  Fears, doubts, ego, pride and judgment are all things that our minds create.  Our essence has the right idea.  It focuses on being.

The journey to wellness from chronic illness is a journey of “being”.  It is where we learn that all the “mind stuff” we used to cope with difficult situations, just doesn’t fit anymore.  The “whats” and “what ifs” in our lives are no longer comfortable for us. They either scare us, or encumber us.  We have no choice but to resort to just “being”, letting go of “what ifs” and “what we were”, and becoming more of our essence, or “who we are.”

If we are truly comfortable with being, we will find a peace and comfort in the sun rising in the morning, the dew on a flower, the color of the sky, the sound of the wind coming through a crack in the window, or the sound of silence. These things cannot change.  And they are anchored in the now, always. You can count on them, whether your body is sick or well, who is or is not around you, and what you are or are not doing.  Your house could burn down, your loved ones could disappear, your clothing could be in tatters, but these constants of “being” are ever present. This “being” is an important tool to find inner peace and meaning on the spiritual journey that you have entered into.

Part of your journey is to let go of “mind stuff”, by letting go of “what ifs” and things that have not yet happened.  Focus on the now, the silence in the moment, and the things you can observe around you.  Spend a few moments surrendering to “what is” in your life.  I do this by telling myself “it is what it is”, and sit with that for a few moments.  And if you cannot do this, or do not want to, take action to change what you can change about the situation, or remove yourself from it.  If you cannot do one of those two things, then surrendering to what is, right now, is your best option.

I have felt the same abandonment you speak of.  Many with chronic illness have.  A spiritual journey has to be painful to be your greatest teacher.  Go deeper into it, to being.  As a practice daily, spend time listening to silence, look up at the color of an empty sky, walk or sit in the greenery and imagine its texture and feel.  These simple practices help to create an inner peace and will enable you to use your mind more creatively when it is needed by you.  It will help you to let go of the fear that is driving your life.  Fear is only “mind stuff”.  “Being” knows no fear.

Even with illness we can strengthen our spirit through these simple exercises.  I teach my patients to listen to silence at least once an hour for a short period of time.  I aid them to let go of the mind periodically and get down to the inner essence or “being” in their lives.  Through being, we learn to value each moment as it happens.  This helps us not to focus on an uncertain future.  We have no way of knowing what the future will bring and speculating about it, neither prepares us for what may come, nor helps us now.  Focusing on being in the now makes each moment a jewel, and teaches us so much more to help us on our journeys back to wellness.

Q: With my illness, the waxing and waning of symptoms, I am constantly fighting depression.  It is hard for me to deal with, and it is hard for my loved ones.  I have tried antidepressants and they interfere with my disease by creating side effects and other symptoms.  I would like to take a more spiritual approach.  Is there a spiritual way to fight depression?

A: Chronic depression can be handled through medications most positively.  There are new studies that state that if one is having difficulty dealing with side effects from one, a trial of another antidepressant might be more successful.  Most people do find relief after trying several different antidepressant medications through trial and error with their doctors.  That being said, If your depression is one that is reactive to your illness severity or the waxing and waning of symptoms and you are asking to try an alternative to medication, there are many. For me, the spiritual path has been a blessing.

With chronic illness, anxiety and fear can be our constant companions.  Along with these we feel betrayed by our own bodies that we trusted and put our faith in.  This anxiety, fear and hurt turns into anger that we find difficult to express.  Depression is often anger turned inward.  Anger toward our medical providers for not “curing” us, anger toward our loved ones for not nurturing us, and anger towards ourselves for not “coming through” and dealing with our situation by making it go away.

With the anxiety of chronic illness, we spend much time thinking ahead and wondering what the future will bring us.  Our time is spent worrying about medical tests, their possible outcomes, fearing the pain associated with these tests, the waiting for results and the doctor appointments that inevitably follow.  We wonder if we can be depended upon, will our children give up on us, our spouses leave us, our doctors give us what we need, and our finances dwindle down to nothing while we try to obtain good medical care.

Spiritually through this journey we really cannot focus on the future.  If we do, we are spending our time in a land of make believe.  The future has not formed yet, has not come to be, and is only a figment of our imagination.  What a useless exercise, allowing our minds to go into the future and determine our course of action!  Why?  Do you feel it prepares you for a future event?  How could you possibly know how to react to something that happens at a later point in time, with later variables that you know nothing of now?  Nor do you have all the later answers at this very moment!  

The past is no longer a comfortable place to focus on either.  You no longer fit with your illness and your new limitations and inflexibility’s.  The past can become depressing to one who yearns for it.  And yearning for our past merely stunts our spiritual growth.  It leaves us stuck in old patterns and an old time and place.  It leaves our lessons from that time unlearned.  For if we are to truly grow spiritually, we need to learn from new lessons and new situations, in a different time and place.

The only choice we have is to live in the present, the now.  The past no longer fits us and the future has not yet happened.  Anxiety comes from the gap between future and present.  As Tolle says in his book The Power of Now, “Anxiety is too much future and not enough presence.”  If you find yourself feeling anxious, let go of the future and focus on now.

Sadness and regrets come from focusing on the past.  The past has already been lived, and is over- whether you are sick or well, dealing with a great loss or not.  The past cannot be undone, or changed in any way.  To move forward on our journeys, we can take the lessons from the past with us.  But we cannot relive them.  Instead there are many new lessons to learn now, in the present.

Become present.  Focus on what you are doing and feeling right now. Abandon all “what if” questions.  Their only real purpose is to create undue anxieties. Let go of the past, put it away on a shelf, and start by calling it “my old story”.  Your new story begins now, this very second. Begin by seeing the flip- side of all your discomforts.  Every situation has good and bad polarities.  Focus on the good ones.  Stop comparing then with now.  Now is different in every single variable. 

Look at how much more focused you have become. Look at the new things you are learning. Look at how you are able to feel so much more alive in the now! How can depression compete with finding the beauty in this moment?

Life-raft concept for the month:

"I am the boundless ocean
This way and that
The wind, blowing where it will,
Drives the ship of the world.
But I am not shaken." -Ashtavakra Gita

The unpredictability of the waves of our life's situations, can sometimes throw us to our knees. Just when we think that life is in our "control", something happens that we did not expect, nor are we prepared for. We are taken out of our element, out of our comfort zone, and into the world of the unpredictable, the world of the u nknown.

It is in such times as these, when we face adversities. Whether it be illness, loss of job, loss of family members, injuries, or catastrophes, we feel lost in a foreign world. We are at first shocked, later denial, then anger sets in to replace the hurt we feel. We feel abandoned by our God and our spiritual beliefs up until this point in time are shaken. We long for what we felt was the predictability of life. The habits we created in order to feel that life is in our control, are no longer comforts. The soft place we used to lie, becomes uncomfortable and we no longer fit into it. We long for familiarity to help us to feel our lives can go back to routine. Yet, we find no familiarity in this land of the unknown, the land of adversity.

It is at this time it would help us to remember that life has a natural flow. Just as the clouds can cover the sun, so can the sun burn through them, given enough time. Just as a wave can move toward the shore in the ocean, so can it break and lose its intensity. Sometimes the waves move forward without us. It is then when we can allow ourselves the extra time we need to swim to them, to catch up with them, and to go with the flow of our lives.

Keep in mind- your life situation is not your life. It is merely a string of happenings from one day to the next. As waves are not the sea, they are movement in the ocean tides- a momentary situation. Your life consists of present moments, while living in the very now. And this is how you focus on adversity, living in the now, each second at a time.

There is beauty in every waking moment. There is good on the flip side of what we once perceived as bad or unpleasant. It helps most when we try to train ourselves to see it that way. It is part of the nature of polarities in the world of form and body. There is good and bad, high and low, bottom and top. It is always good to remember that polarities work both way with infinite possibilities of gray areas in between. Just as everything wonderful has its own limitations, everything unfortunate has its own beauty. And everything we do that is worthwhile in our lives, has its lessons.

Find the beauty in your life-situation. You are the boundless ocean, and not the waves that flow this way and that. Waves are just waves, as your life situation is merely a momentary situation, a picture in time. Ride the waves to the shore, see the sun through the clouds. Practice flip-side thinking and you will surely see the beauty in all your challenges. Capture the lessons for the first time, in the world of the unknown and your adversity becomes a learning experience. The time you spend on this is never wasted. Whatever is taught to you on your journey will become the catalyst for a spiritual transformation of your life.

Let us walk down this healing road together.
Always with peace and love,
Frannie

Frannie Rose, author of Fixing Frannie, available online at www.amazon.com and www.barnesandnoble.com is a Patient-Advocate, Inspirational Speaker and Writer on issues relating to keeping your spirit alive when dealing with chronic illness, and the medical system today.  Copyright 2004 Frannie Rose. All rights reserved.

-To send a question, send an email to FrannieRose12@aol.com.  You will receive a private answer and some questions will be published in this weekly column, anonymously.

isclaimer: Frannie Rose strongly urges list members to consult a health care professional on all medical treatment issues. Do not substitute any of the above information for that of your physician or health care provider regarding your medical condition.