Embarising question about raising a son - Interstitial Cystitis Network Support Forum

ldwall · 09-26-2001, 07:28 PM

Well now that my husband has proven how stupid and anal a man can be if they so choose.......and gone to that *(*(^%%$%^#$%$&%& truck driving school, I have no one to really bounce parting issues off of. So I hope you all don't mind, but I am going to have to beg you to fill in with your combined wisdom. I just cannot do some of this alone. So here goes

My eldest son just turned 10. Besides the fact that I know he will be moving out in 7 years (he is in 5th grade now.....boo hoo), and going off to college or whatever, I am in a conundrum. I know it is time to have the sex talk with him, and to cover puberty etc. I just don't know when boys begin to change, you know all those wierd things the body does to drive us mad a puberty. I have no one to ask, my husband is no good, when he is here........he just says he doesn't remember. My mothers idea is to just let the school deal with it, but It is MY responsiblity to train my child in the way he should go. And to provide biblical and moral instruction........that does not include introducing boys to health lessons on puberty that include lessons on condoms when they are 10. He doesn't even understand why people kiss, let alone the rest........it will put my shy boy into heart failure to find out about sex, and get the condom lesson right away. (turning twenty-two million shades of red just won' cover explaining his reaction :eek: )
So I need all of your wisdom, when does his voice start to change, when is the next big growth spurt? He is loosing molars now, does this continue now until all the baby teeth are gone? When will embarrasing things happen *down under* and what exaclty are the embarrising things? I know he won't be starting his cycle or growing breasts, so I am at the end of my knowledge on puberty. I cannot find a decent book in the library.....maybe some of you know of a specifice book I can get....preferably not anything written in the '60's and '70's free love period.

I am VERY nervous about having this talk with him, but since I know what most 12/13 year old boys look like, I figure I have put it off long enough.........funny the drugs, alcohol, cigerettes, and gangs talks were soooo easy........*gulp, breathing hard, and swooning ready to faint in fear* HELP

Lisa

shell · 09-27-2001, 02:59 AM

Lisa,

Good for you, wanting to make sure your son is educated. He will learn most of the facts in school, but he needs to learn values and morals from his family. And I think one of the most important things is for him to know that he can come to you with embarassing questions.

Check out your local library to see what books they have about puberty and adolescence. They should have books that can help you find the words to talk with your son. They might also have books he could read for some of the facts and details of what the body goes through with puberty. It might be easier for him to read what's normal than for you to discuss all the nitty-gritty stuff.

Try to answer his questions based on what he's trying to find out at that point. Try not to go further than what he needs right then. I'm sure you've heard the old joke about Johnny asking his mom where he came from. Mom goes into the whole birds and bees spiel, then asks Johnny if that answered his question. Johnny's reply is "Not really. Timmy's from Chicago, I wanted to know where I'm from."

One thing I do with my ss is to let him know before his annual exam that he can ask his doctor anything he wants to. If he has any questions about his body and how it's changing, that's what the doctor is trained for - how the body works, similar to an auto mechanic. Although my dh has done most of the talking with his son about all of this stuff, I figure it doesn't hurt for my ss to know that there are several trusted people to ask questions of, instead of getting everything from his friends.

Teri · 09-27-2001, 03:28 AM

God Lisa

You just took me back to many years ago when I had "the talk" with my son....geez, was it hard. I don't remember how old he was but my daughter had her 'talk' with her son at 11, just before he started middle school. It was very open and free and they were both very comfortable after it was over.

Doesn't really matter if your hubby is home or not, most men just aren't comfortable with the 'talk'

tons of hug from an x-single mom who raised 2 alone

liisa · 09-27-2001, 05:26 AM

Lisa,

I'm so happy that you are planning on talking to your son about puberty and all the things that come with it. I learned "sex ed" in grade six, but it didn't give me the moral guidance that I needed - that was my parents job, it only gave me the mechanical know hows. I think it is so important for parents to talk with their children about things like sex, there is so much misinformation about it in everything from movies to ads to their friends. One thing you might think about is that you've been with him his whole life, most of his morals have already formed, he just needs a little extra guidance during this time of growth. If you watch movies together, perhaps watching one together that has some sort of love scene and stop the vcr and bring it up, find out if kids in his class are "going out" and take the conversation as far as he's receptive, make him feel that he can ask you questions about his body and girls.

Wishing you the best of luck with it,
Liisa

kimmi158 · 09-27-2001, 05:46 AM

(((((((((((((Lisa)))))))))))))))
I will be here as much as you need

Between my husband and I we have 7 children 4 are boys.I will talk to him this afternoon and see if he has any advice.
I think it is great you are going to talk to him about this.I don't think it is the schools place to do it all.
Stay strong and know we are here for you.
ICNKim

Michelle in AR · 09-27-2001, 08:08 AM

Well, I'm not there yet with ym son, since he's only 3 1/2 and thinks it cool to lash his pee-pee after bah, but my daughter is 9 1/2 and I worry about tha with her. I got pregnant @ 17 and don't want her to do the same. I also worry about some one molesting her. Odd thing to think, huh? But that's just me. thare are books out there for this type of thing. I even found one about periods. Cool, huh? Just start searching. Good luck. Michelle.

***ICNDonna*** · 09-27-2001, 08:15 AM

The best advice I can think of is to answer questions as they come up. And I got a book suggested by our pediatrician when my sons were (can't remember --- 11 or 12), and handed them the book, telling them they could ask either me or their doctor if they had any questions. And I think they grew up with excellent morals.

Warm hugs,
Donna

ldwall · 09-27-2001, 05:39 PM

Thanks for your replies, but the problem is I need techincal information. I have already looked in the library, and the only books I found were written to the boy, and were written from a sex is good for anyone at any age perpective. Since I don't agree with that it is a problem. Also those books didn't even give a hint at HOW the body changes for boys, and in what general order. Not a one of them. I want to tell him WHAT is going to happen before the school does. He is a very sensitive child and he just won't be able to handle it from anyone else. Even though the school will be warning when they are going to teach the lesson, and let me see it so I can pull him out, he will hear all about it from his freinds. Which is one of the things I want to avoid. Information filtered through a 10 year olds mind is a scary thought. So I need either book titles that cover the how and when of body changes, or for someone to just tell me. I am so frustrated because I have been trying to find the information on my own for quite a while, but this community is full of Reformed Methodists and well certain kinds of books just don't make it into the library. Since all of the books on sex and puberty are 30+ years old, I get the feeling that is one of the categories of books they don't get to keep the community happy.

Mama is getting desperate, I want to be the first one to him, and I have no clue what I am talking about. You would think someone 18 credits away from a college degree would no be so ignorant wouldn't you???? Lisa

***ICNDonna*** · 09-27-2001, 06:49 PM

Lisa, some boys will show some signs of puberty (hair growth, etc.) at age 11 or 12, some won't until they are closer to 15. I think if you just let your son know, in advance, that one day he will be seeing some changes in his body --- and that you are here to answer any questions he may have --- is the best route at his age.

You may be surprised at what he already knows.

Hugs,
Donna

shell · 09-28-2001, 01:33 AM

Have you asked your doctor or pediatrician for recommended books that deal with the actual physical development? If those books aren't in your local library you could buy them over the web. I'm sure there must be something out there. I remember having a few books when I was young that talked about the different developmental stages and answered a lot of the embarassing questions. Unfortunately, I don't remember titles and I think they were geared just to female development. But there must be something geared to males.

Michelle in AR · 09-28-2001, 08:23 AM

Don't rely on books from your library. Go to Boarders or Walden books or barnes and noble. Trust me. There are books out there from an abstinence teaching perspective.

MelanieJ · 09-28-2001, 03:28 PM

Lisa,
Good Vibrations has a great selection of newly/newer published sex education books for kids and teens. You would have to check them each out for yourself in terms of meeting your personal value system, but I believe from a technical point of view, you couldn't beat a book that's recommended by this company. They pride themselves on making accurate sexual health information available. Once you get on their website, follow this trail: *
Online Store: Books/Audio: Guides, How-Tos & Info: Kids, Teens & Parents.

Good luck!
Melanie J.

Hope · 09-30-2001, 04:19 PM

I can't remember the exact title, but there is a book put out by the "Our Bodies, Ourselves" group. I think it is called "Our Changing Bodies." It may be a bit hippy-ish, but perhaps you can look at it for the technical information you need. You might also ask the school guidance counselor or school nurse for recommendations.

Hope

liz2 · 09-30-2001, 06:06 PM

My three sons needed that talk by age ten. Their bodies were starting to change. Yes, I would ask your ped. to recommend books, but I would also ask my uro. We borrowed some of his office diagrams and organ mock ups, and they helped.

Their bodies are starting to change much earlier these days. Also, I would not put your son in overload with too much information. Start simple.

However, in my situation, my oldest son was 10/11 when I was carrying our last child, so need-to-know information started coming almost faster than what I could keep up with.

Jean12 · 10-01-2001, 12:31 PM

What's Happening To My Body? Book For Boys. I bought the companion book What's Happening To My Body? Book for Girls for my daughter. Great book, with detail about the whole process. It has been awhile since I have looked at my daughter's book, but from what I remember it was excellent. Check it out at a bookstore. It even gave a little bit of what happens to the opposite sex during this time too. Not quite so detailed but it is there if you want/need to reference that info too. Your son may already be noticing changes in his body and how it is behaving, so it is definately not too early to start the talk.