Mother-in-law issues....AGAIN

[Claredale]

I know it has been a long time (about a couple of months) since I posted. I have read some postings from time to time, but just haven't had alot of time.

A lot has happened in the last couple of months, but I just wanted to post a short novel about my mother-in-law and her latest adventure.

Our entire family (about 22 of us from great-grand parents (my mother and father-in law) to the 3 great nephews and 1 great niece. We all went to Disney World and then went to St. Petersburg for one of my nephews to get married. For the most part we had a great time, but due to my "hard headed nature", you know the constant need for attention by going to the bathroom and making sure the food I eat is safe, etc... She made several comments...I know to expect them since I have only had this "fake illness" for almost 20 years. I was actually doing very well since right before we left I had just started a new job, my son got married, and several other life events were going on. I was having many flares for several weeks, and with lots of being careful of what I ate and taking good care of myself, I was doing much better. I have started a regimen of walking (which I haven't been able to do for so long!) I was up to walking about 2 hours a day 5 days a week. I had lost weight and was feeling almost normal...except for the usual night-time up to pee times!

I think I have finally put my finger on her "issues". She has 3 sons. 2 of which are married and have grown children. She doesn't like me nor my sister-in-law but "tries" her best to not show it. It is as obvious as the nose on your face how she feels. My sister-in-law and I are great friends and she also has a life changing illness (Lupus) so we are both in the same boat when it comes to our MIL)

Well, now my older son has married a very sweet, but smart girl. I am so thankful that they ahve moved to Birmingham, so my MIL can't get to her! I have always known that she considers my older son the "golden child" since he used to spend alot of time with her. We happen to live in the same town while he was growing up, so he spent alot of time with his grandparents. He as just that type of kid. Well when he moved away to school at Mississippi State, she did her best to keep him under her thumb, but as it goes, he fell in love and he spent less and less time at home and with her. She likes my younger son of course, but he is not that "grandmama's boy". He has been through a lot in his life with his best friend dying of leukemia, etc. Anyway now he has a girlfriend that is very smart and head strong. I like his girlfirend very much!!!! She was invited on our family vacation since my younger son really wouldn't have anyone to hang around since most of his cousins are older and married with kids. Anyway, my husband and I drove through Birmingham to pick up my older son and his new wife. My younger son and his girlfriend rode with my in-laws (first mistake!). I knew as soon as his girlfriend was invited, that I was being set up (there is always a condition when it involves doing something nice) , but it never occurred to me that his girlfriend would actually be the one to feel the full force of the MIL. We caught up with the caravan to Orlando by Tallahassee where we spent the night. Tyler and Angela decided to share a room with my husband and I since she knew me and had already had a couple of issues which I wasn't aware of at the time. I know this story is getting long, so my point is, Angela made a comment about my illness and that I had to be in a non-smoking room. Angela's mom is a nurse, and she is completely aware of my triggers, etc. and Angela has taken the time to know about IC. My MIL informed her that I was sick when it was convenient and that I would be in a room that was available. Yes..I was put in the smoking room...since we were the last ones to get there. The people at the hotel came in and sprayed some stuff for me which helped alot. Angela had asked for this on my behalf which really irritated by MIL! This is how the week started and it went downhill from there except for the times that I kept Tyler's girlfriend out of range of my MIL. I spent many nights crying that my MIL was spreading rumors knowing fully well that most of my family, especially my sister-in-law and my husband's brother and a niece and nephew were very aware of my illness. The last straw was when Angela was trying to go to sleep (she was in a common area of a house that we rented) and my son politely asked my father-in-law to turn down the TV. The next thing I know (My husband and I were already in bed) and the rest of the family were at Magic Kingdom and it was past midnight...Tyler was in my room in tears (he never ever cries) because his girlfriend was sooo upset. I went upstairs to her and took her to my other son's room and told her to sleep in there. Like I said earlier, I have kept my feelings about my MIL from my kids their entire lives since I had a great relationship with my grandparents, I didn't want them to pay the price of me and my illness. She was always nice to them, but when I was in the room with Angela trying to calm her down (she is 20), Tyler came in the room and explained to her that he was so sorry and that his grandmother was very disrespectful to me and in his opinion of watching her, she was very intimidated by women and girls that had their own minds.

What my point is...I really want my husband to confront his parents about this entire situation, not only this vacation we just returned from, but the fact that I feel so rejected and hated even when they "pour" sugar all over their comments since I know they don't mean it. My FIL is normally very caring, but just stays out of it. They are very giving people. They have money and love to use it to "buy" things, but it so happens that I have a mother and step-father that are very well off, but have chosen to invest their money for their future as well as my both his and my mom's family's future. They have trust funds for my sons. I don't talk about it with my in-laws since it really isn't any of their business, but I would love to tell them that I don't need or want their gifts, I just want real love and feelings, but I have been in this family for almost 25 years and I know things aren't going to change. I truly feel that I have prayed for answers as well as done everything that I can possibly do and I am just not going to change them. We have had a confrontation before (after my brother-in-law and sister-in-law as well as my husband and I spend several thousands of dollars for their 50th wedding anniversary which she wanted us to throw for them so that her friends could see how much her family and friends love her. Let's just say that about 250 were invited and she knew that 12 people didn't come and they never explained why. This is the type of woman that I am dealing with!

I have heard through other people things that she has said about me as well as heard things said from her own mouth which has denied adamently. My husband is such a wonderful man, but he is the baby of the family and their family never confronts each other about anything. I don't want a feud that will go on forever, but I also don't want to expose myself to them or allow her to start with my new daughter-in-law and my son's girlfriend that will more than likely be a permanent part of our family in a few years. Especially being a new mother-in-law, I have such strong feelings for the woman that my son has chosen to be his wife. I told her the day that my son proposed to her that I have been praying for her since my son was born. I know that I will respect her and that they are their own family. My new DIL knows that I love her and will do everything I can to support their marriage.

I know this is a long posting, but this has been eating at me for so long that I have to get it off my chest with people that understand the way we are treated. I have had similar postings before and things do get better with distance and silence, but my husband feels the backlash as well at times. He doesn't let it bother him, but I guess as a woman, I feel more emotional about it.

Any suggestions and your prayers are greatly appreciated!

Tracey83

[ICNJess]

Tracey...

Wow. I am shocked. I don't know what to say! Your poor son must have been so humiliated that his grandparents were so disrespectful to his girlfriend! And to you!!

I guess if it were me, I would stress to my husband about how much these comments bother me after all of these years, and how much it stresses you out and how it is not good for your IC. Maybe he can calmly sit down with his mother and have a heart to heart.

What a witch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[GriffsMommy]

Oh wow, how horrible. It reminds me of my father, he HATES my husband but he's not as bad as your MIL. I don't know what to say other than the fact that I would tell hubby that he either needs to talk to his mother or that you will.
She needs to stop this, she doesn't need to like you but she does have to respect you and you DO have a medical problem that is real and deserves respect and accomedations.
I think I would refuse to be around her if I were you so you are obviously a strong person.

[JanL]

Tracy. I am so sorry she is treating you like this. I wrote a long post but managed to lose it. My meds are kicking in so I may not make it much longer--sorry. I don't think there is much that will change your mil at this point, but I am sure that I would have already said a few choice things to her. Probably not the best course of action. In a way though you have gotten your revenge on her--it has shown you how to be a great mother in love. My mother in love wrote me a letter when we first got engaged telling me how she had prayed for me since Mark was a little baby and how much they loved me as their daughter. She set such a great example for me to follow. My mom and grandmother get along ok, but my grandmother definietely never really considered her a daughter. You sound like you are going to be wonderful at the job.
Changing page--thanks again for the referral to Dr. Ling. He is not Dr. Wiygul, but I am getting used to him and starting to really trust him. If you would ever like to get together, I would love to meet you and visit with you. I live in Collierville, but can pretty much meet anywhere. I always wonder if you are sitting in the waiting room at the same time as me (LOL). PM me if you are interested. Janice Jer. 29:11

[Claredale]

I as well as my husband and I have trired many times to turn things around. She is not the type to admit any wrongdoing and I have been told that I "imagine things" or am "too sensitive" on several occasions.

I know that I am not going to change her. I married quire young, and she was there for me, but as soon as I gained my own friends and was starting my own family, things quickly changed. Even as recently as right before vacation, I would drop by and visit and feel very good about everything (this has happened many times as well), but she turns on a dime and it always leaves me frustrated and unhappy. This woman is so liked by so many people in our community, I always get to hear things like how lucky I am to be her DIL, etc. My usual comment is that she raised my best friend and I am so grateful. I have to admit I have a temper, but I keep MOST everything in my mind and just write it down in my journal or share it with my prayer partner so that we can pray about it.

I have never found it helpful to call her out on anything especially after the beginning since she has a way of turning it all around.

I have scheduled a session with our church pastor for next week. My husband is going, but mostly to be there to hold my hand. I am not trying to drive a wedge in our family. I didn't have a relationship the last 10 years of my dad's life and while most of it was not my fault, I am still the one left with the guilt and no where to put it.

I just keep going back to the fact that she never really had a mother in law herself since she was across the country and then died when my husband was quite young, but I still don't feel that is an excuse to single me and my SIL out. We are the 2 women that arrange holidays, family get togethers, etc. Our husbands would be lost (not to talk bad about them) but they are men and just don't plan very well.

I woke up again last night completely in tears over this. She hasn't even called to check on any of us, even her own son. By knowing what has happened in the past, she is using this time to work on her "sad" story of how she isn't being appreciated and feeling that I am the one that is keepling her son from her. He was off the last 2 days and had plenty of opportunities to call her up or even go visit, but like I said, their family dynamics are so different. I truly don't hold grudges, but I also do my best to keep myself out of stressful situations due to my disease as well as my desire that I do what I can to not cause waves. My SIL have the same type personalities. We have plenty of friends and support, so why is it so important that a woman that has made it clear (both subtlely and verbally) that we are just trying to make things difficult.

Anyway...Thanks for the notes of encouragement. I will keep you posted on what my pastor says and do what I can to stay away from her, but yet encourage her son to continue to be apart of his parents lives. I am not pushing him to come to my defense anymore, he tried and it just caused further turmoil. I just want him to never regret that he didn't do what he could to keep the parent/son lines going.

Now for my own sons...My claws are out and I will do what I humanly can, but...(they are old enough to make their own minds), but I will not allow my sweet daughter-in-law or my son's girlfriend to be put in the position I have been in for years. They are strong independant women and I love them with my heart and mind!

Thanks again!
Tracey

[mum43]

We have not seen or spoken to my mother in law for about 4 years.
It suits us fine.
On numerous occasions she has tried to split me and my hubby up, and even once told him that he has been hooked through false pretence's and is now saddled with 4 kids and a disabled wife.
She really is a nasty minded person and alway's has horrible thing's to say about me.
She warned hubby not marry me and never came to our wedding.
This is why we chose not to have contact with her and the reason she moved to Scotland.

[Sarojini]

Tracey... I have no real suggestions about this but I'm just so sorry. I guess the only thing to do, at this point, is try your best to ignore her. While I have not really had problems with my family, there have been other people in my life who have been complete jerks about my IC and other problems, so I know how difficult that advice actually is... but it's the one thing that I try to do. I just try to remember that people who make comments about me and my illness are just ignorant, and are likely fairly selfish too, since they will not read up on IC and their comments are usually about how IC inconveniences THEM.

Again, I'm just so sorry you are dealing with a MIL issue, and I am also horrified that your MIL has started in on your son's girlfriend already.

I wish I knew the magic words to make her stop!!!!

[Zygala87]

Tracey for goodness sake stop all the Praying and wishing and thinking you must be a whipping boy for this mean Lady. People will treat you badly if they can tell they can get away with it. It is just like animals in a pecking order. Subconsciously they can feel it. I can walk into a room and tell who has confidence and who I could make cry should I be that type of person. You do not need her, you do not need to make peace for your families sake especially your Husband. He can deal with her as he may. You can't change her. You can only change yourself. My MIL was so mean to me when I was young and I put up with it for my Husbands sake. Then I had a child. All of a sudden I acquired a back-bone and told her never to call my house again. I gave her the reasons and if she wanted in interact with her Son, to call his work. Best thing I ever did for my health plus I protected my children from this very crazy woman. She didn't care, she had many other Daughters-in-law and Daughters to torture. When she died each came to me and said how glad they were and wished they had done what I did and saved them many a night of tears and battles with their husbands. I just Prayed for her Soul and fogave what ever she did to me (long story). Ziggy

[ICNJess]

Maybe you could try killing her with kindness? Like when she makes a comment or something just smile and shrug it off...she's saying these things to get under your skin. If you let it go, she'll just look like the witch that she truly is.

[Kirs10]

I am so sorry that your MIL is not anice person. I do know what you are talking about. MIne is alot like yours she doesn't believe that I have IC and she is always telling me that she has MS and doesn't understand how I can get pain medicine when her doctor won't give it to her if though she is having the real pain and I am not......
She the type of woman that doesn't believe in any disease unless she has had it or someone she respects has had it. My brother in law's wife also has IC and she is always making snide comments to us about having to go to the bathroom and not eating certain foods.......and all she is just a miserable woman with nothng else to do...
I used to take a crap for 20 I have busted my butt trying make everyone happy and now I won't I am civil to her but that is it she gets what she gives.........and no more.

Good luck with you MIL and I will defintely pray for you and your family......
Kirsten

[BrittanysDance]

Tracey,

I"m sorry your in-laws treat you this way, but....someone is only going to treat you the way you let or allow them to. Its been 25 years and your still seeking their approval honey - you're never going to get it - and your husband is never going to stand up to them if he hasnt done it in 25 years, period. I'm not trying to be harsh, please know this, I"m not a harsh person or mean in any way at all, I feel so horribly bad and sooooooooo understand your situation as it hits way too close to home for me. Except with me - it was my own parents with me - EXACTLY as your MIL is with you and your FIL is with her (sort of the "yes man" syndrome) - that is how my own mother was with me and my siblings, yet I paid moreso the price more than they did because I was the "headstrong one" out of the 4 of us and always spoke up for what I thought was right. Siblings just sort of took it. Because of that aspect of my personality - I paid the price over and over again in my childhood, teenage years and into my adult life - then when I had children, it started all over again. Yes, they loved their grandparents and I tried to make it work for their sake, my husband and I valued our own relationships with our grandparents as it was special - however........THIS relationship went way over the line for years and we didnt catch it when we should have. Always seeking approval and never getting it - the gifts were bought, the "I'm sorry's" were said (all by her of course) for things she did wrong....either to me or to our children...and I like a dummy...believed she could change and bought the horse, cart and driver, blindly.

A year ago....I stopped talking or seeing my parents - my children no longer talk or see my parents either due to some horrible things they did that is unforgiveable on this earth and in my lifetime. Because of that - and because my siblings are followers - I no longer have siblings either - all 3 of them were told by my parents if they talked to me my parents would have nothing to do with them - so although I've done nothing wrong to my siblings, they've "listened" to their mother (all who are in their 40's mind you) and "obeyed" - so I have no one left in my family except my husband and my children and my husbands family. Which is fine....because I did nothing wrong. But my children have paid the price for what? - they didnt do anything and now because of one woman who has a problem with control issues and has to have it her way - my children are no longer allowed to see their aunts or uncles or cousins who they have known their entire lives. Sad isnt it? Yes...it is...HOWEVER...my children are well adjusted and happier children now that the poison is out of their lives. Do they miss their aunts and uncles? Sometimes...and in the beginning they missed everyone....but, we did what we could and we still do what we can to ease their burdens and pains because after all, their grandparents were in their lives for years and were important to them, and we acknowledge that fact. But...our children also know that their grandparents lied to them, about them, and about their parents and did some horrible things - we dont lie to our children and believe if kids are old enough to ask and understand something, they're old enough to know the truth of the matter or situation. Ours happen to be 6, 10 and 17 so they are well old enough to understand and comprehend life and situations - the youngest doesnt fully comprehend but....I was lucky enough to spare him early on and learned a bit from the other 2 so I kept him away more, he became my "mommy's boy" and wanted to stay with me all the time and not go over to "grammy's house" - she would get raging ****** that he wouldnt want to be with her (rolls her eyes here). They have been told when they turn 18 they are welcome to seek out their grandparents on their own accord and we will not look badly upon them for that decision if that is their choice - yet both eldest say they want nothing more to do with them because they know the truth and saw it and heard it for themselves first hand and now know how they really are, period. Its sad they feel that way but that option is always out there. Maybe one day they'll change their minds, however that is their choice to make, not mine. We will never hold them back if they should decide to rekindle that relationship, but when they are told to their faces "We never loved you anyway, dont call us, dont bother..."...well........

Bottom line...sometimes...you need to step outside of the box and REALLY look at the situation from an outsiders point of view. Its been 25 years...have you really gotten anywhere or accomplished one thing you've wanted to with this woman? No. and you never will.

Say what you want to say to her as respectfully as you can because your husband will never say what you want him to. Its not up to him to say it...its up to YOU to say it. Trust me..you will get the satisfaction of doing it yourself because its your words and you doing it. I didnt say be nasty about it, but there is a way to be nasty and be nice at the same time, trust me. And sometimes, that stings the most. If your husband doesnt stand behind you, then that is his issue and problem sad to say - but YOU do NOT have to take the abuse and foulness from his parents one more second - you're a grown woman for goodness sake and 25 years of this crap is enough.

Your children are grown as well - there is no need to protect them from the awful truth that is their grandparents, trust me, they already know how their grandmother and grandfather are, as is aparent by your sons comment. You're not hiding anything from them or protecting them - the only thing they're seeing is that their mother will not stand up to a bully when she needs to. Would you let a stranger talk to you that way? Would your children? No....neither of you would - they would defend you to the hilt, but because everyone is so scared of this woman, everyone keeps quiet for fear of rocking the boat and upsetting Her Highness. Yep - sounds like MY mother for certain! ((((((((((((((((biggest hugs for you and your children))))))))))))))) I so understand, trust me.

Hang in there and know that I understand exactly where you are and where you're coming from, but also know that the behavior will not stop unless YOU put a stop to it. That satisfaction is worth all the money in the world when you finally do say something and CONTINUE to say something each and every time some snide remark or lie is said. Its only going to work if you make it work sweetie.

Good luck..and I'm thinking of you!

Brittany

[Claredale]

Brittany, believe me when I say you aren't being too harsh. I have friends that can't believe that my marriage is still as strong as it is with the way my in-laws are. But...actually it is stronger. I know that seems strange, but that is how hardheaded his parents are and I am even more hardheaded! I wouldn't say that I allow them to treat me badly, I just don't feel it's necessary to torture my family over one old woman's actions. What is the kicker, is when they are mean to me even though my husband doesn't "tell them off"", he is steadily backing away as well. I think it drives her more crazy that I do stick around not let her see how she hurts me "most of the time!" (depending on how my IC is doing at the time...and it definitely drives her crazy that while my hubby won't jump in there and tell her off, he stands right with me and holds my hand and gets me away from her. He does certainly say things to her when she mentions my "illness" and how hard it must be to have such a sickly wife. She normally reserves those comments to other people in the familys! My kids and my husband have seen my IC at it's worse, so they know exactly what I am going through!

There have been plenty of times (even this week) that I gave my hubby warnings that he better tell them to back off. After many talks with my friends and praying to God and my faith that God will get me through this, my husband agreed that we should talk to our pastor just be real with ourselves that we have done everything we can do. Obviously, my kids are aware of the strain between their grandmother and myself, but they know only a fraction of the truth. Unless she is the one saying things to make them aware, those feelings were always set apart from that part of our daily lives. They were busy kids and my husband and I don't talk about it in front of them. Mainly his parents like I said, are good to their grandkids and I wanted them to have a relationship with them. Their is part of my mother-in-laws extended family that don't speak or see each other. My kids see that and while it is only their extended family, as well my brother-in-law that is a drug addict, they feel so uncomfortable with that behavior. I am so grateful that my older son lives several hours away and I am sure that my younger son will live even further away since he has always said that he wants to live away from our area. His interest is in computer animation and I foresee him following that path.

If my sons have learned anything from this is that my faith and my prayers and my love for my husband and kids is what is most important to me.

I am better now. Especially knowing that the majority of husband's immediate family understands and we have their support.

I keep hearing people say would you rather be right than happy. Those people don't understand it's not a matter of being right. The things that are said are so lame most of the time, just the occasional dagger gets through. It's not a matter of being right. I just want my little nuclear family to be happy and care for each other and know we will have disagreements, but it's more important to love and support each other than anything else. I am proud to say that my kids know that I feel that way about them and that is what is most important!

Thanks again for everyone's advise. I have read over it many times and it has certainly given me lots of insight.

[BrittanysDance]

Tracey,

Good for you sweetie....you know exactly what you want then, and you're right, its not about being "right", its about DOING whats right in the end.

So long as you are happy and your children understand, then that is all that matters in this life.

We all have those moments where we need to vent So if you need to vent, by all means do it - its very cathartic for the soul

Good luck with everything dear and hold your ground firmly.

Hugs,
Brittany

[Claredale]

My husband and I went and talked to our pastor earlier this week. He did a great job explaining to my husband that most women eternalize things especially when their feelings are hurt. He, while he said that he isn't a pychiatrist, said that he really felt that based on what we were saying that both of the daughter in laws received the treatment, that my MIL obviously has control issues and I need to separate myself from her and her issues. If that means not being around her for long periods of time or leaving as soon as I feel that she is trying to get to me is fine. He was very glad that I did what I did in keeping my kids from being in the middle for the last 15 or so years. I had a great relationship with my grandparents. I still have my 2 grandmothers and I appreciate that I always felt welcome in their homes. My MIL's issue is obviously towards the non "bloodline". And like my paster said, as long as my husband and I agree on the same boundaries and that my feelings are real. My husband did mention that there were many times when we were over at her house, that I wouldn't look at her. My pastor came back with obviously she reads your mom so well, that she knows when she is not welcome or when she is trying to get to me. He was so right, because normally I had just dealt with some ugly comment or long time silent treatment. It isn't my job to "coddle" her which I have done many times just to satisfy myself that I am doing the right thing. Of course my pastor advised me to continue praying with my husband for my MIL to change, but I certainly wasn't going to be the one to cause the change. It was my job to take care of myself and realize that it has nothing to do with me when she starts on her tirades.

It was good to hear those words and that I need to realize that trying to get my husband to talk to her wasn't going to do any good either. She has shown us on several occasions when he has tried to get involved that she tries to turn it around to be about her and since my hubby understands while he isn't the same as me in the way that I want to be "the fixer". My pastor left it with the importance of remembering my values and not to lower myself to her level.

I just wanted ya'll to know the latest. I am really doing better. She called me earlier this week and acted like nothing was wrong at all. I maybe said 2 sentences and wasn't "coddling" at all. I then told her that I was busy and couldn't talk. She immediately said okay and hung up the phone. That is the last that either of us have heard from her. I just need to stay out of her traps!