In the Women's restroom

[RAS6]

This was emailed to me by a co-worker with a wicked sense of humor.
To be honest, even with all my horrible restroom experiences, I would have to say this takes the cake!

THE LADIES ROOM

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.

Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down
the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck,
(Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the
FLOOR!), you yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to
shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for
what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on
yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work,
it hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front
of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet, of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down
toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet
is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a
fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of
water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that
you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the
automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered,
used and left he men's restroom, and he asks "Why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public
restrooms (rest??? you've got! to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

What did I tell you? This should have been dedicated to IC patients to be honest. I think we have the craziest bathroom stories to tell! Gotta keep a sense of humor, right!

[GriffsMommy]

Rachel, that is too funny

[RAS6]

Glad it made you Christine!

[lnseagraves]

that was HILARIOUS!! I had to share it with my hubby!!!

[Billsbaby]

oh rachael,that is so funny but absolutely true.i think that exact thing has happened to all of us atleast twice!!!! my husband laughed his a** off!! thanks for sharing that,i needed it! jamie

[petrie86]

That was so funny... men just don't understand why we all go together. LOL I couldn't have told the story any better. Thanks for the laugh Rach!

[MerryBerryMoose]

That story was so funny.

Originally Posted by RAS6

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that
you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

This quote reminds me of the potties on airplanes. If you accidently drop something in, you can kiss ever seeing it again goodbye. And if you flush WHILE sitting, you run the risk of creating a suction that keeps you stuck to the bowl.

Anyway, I have taken to carying my own travel toilet paper with me. Incase there is none in the stall, or if there is and it's too scratchy.

[RAS6]

Originally Posted by MerryBerryMoose

Anyway, I have taken to carying my own travel toilet paper with me. Incase there is none in the stall, or if there is and it's too scratchy.

Me too! After our trip to NYC and having to use bathrooms not fit for animals (IE:-most of the subway bathrooms!) I take toilet papet, a travel john, and seat covers EVERYWHERE! My husbnad thinks I am nuts, but he has the luxury of only needing the bathroom 4 times a day. With me it's more like 20!

[RAS6]

Glad I could make you laugh! How have you been feeling? Did you get in to see the GP for pain meds yet? Let me know if there is anything I can do, ok?

[Billsbaby]

thanks for asking rachael,i have been pretty much the same pain wise.i went to a new uro the other day and he gave me a little bit of pain meds to try and get me to my pain clinic appt.i am trying to stretch them out as well as i can,atleast he acknowledged my pain and realized i needed something to help me until my appt.that is the first doc that has been the least bit compassionate with me since i've moved here.i am just counting the days until i can go and finally have a game plan on what to do about all this pain.i have agyn appt at the end of the month,they think i also have endo. which is contributing to all this pain.i just want a hysterectomy with having hpv virus and history with moderate displaysia and now endo,i already have my tubes tied so i would just rather get it over wuth so i don't have to worry about all of that too along with all this ic pain,and ibs.man i'm falling apart at 29!!! thanks so much for being there for me.its more than i can say about most of my friends and family.i hope everything is ok with you and your family.please stay good.i will pm you later with my new #,i am bringing my kids out back to see the horses,and they won't stop bugging me until i do!!! have a wonderful weekend rachael... jamie

[RAS6]

Hang in there Jamie! I will definately call you, I have an unlimited USA calling plan. I am so sorry things have been so rough and the people who should support you haven't. I go through that with a few family members myself!
Enjoy your time with your kids and I hope your weekend gets better.
Talk to you later!

[Berkshire Road]

OK, I demand to know: WHO WAS IN THE BATHROOM WATCHING ME WHEN THAT HAPPENED? I'm suing... LOL

Thanks for the laugh!

[Sarojini]

Hahahahahha!!!!

[TexasHoney]

Rachel, That's fuuny. Thanks for sharing