someone please help

[otgirlie]

i know i post a lot on here about how much my life sucks, and just how hard life is, but right now i don't know what to do. I just can't take this anymore. I think I may be depressed. I have really bad anxiety (GAD), OCD, panic attacks, insomnia, IC, SVT, and know boyfriend trouble and trying to get through grad school with what little i have left of me. I hate life right now, and i can't stop crying. I really love my boyfriend (he is 23), I have been dating him for 2.5 years and i really want to get married soon (in general). im sick of dating, and want to get married so bad and spend my life with someone. My boyfriend is really great. He takes me out on dates, spends a lot of time with me, and is basically my best and only friend i have. The only problem is is that he lies i wouldn't say a lot, but i dunno. First off, he looks at porn and I have a big issue with that (some people do, some people don't...but i am the person that does). and he has lied SO MANY times about him quitting looking, but of course I always find porn on the internet. He also lies about when he goes out. One time he said he was in his basement watching familyguy with his friend, so I later called his house to ask him something and his mom is like "oo he isn't here, he went to slippery rock (a college)." I said "no, he is there, I just talked to him 5 minutes ago, he is in the basement" she went down to look and said...."hunny, i think he may have lied to u". I called him up screaming (cuz i have big trust issues with him, and i don't really get along with girls---> long story about the girl thing) and his dad just cheated on his mom. My last 2 boyfriends cheated on me (one relationship 3.5 years), so I am just always scared especially cuz he is the party type (i'm not). He ended up driving back to his house drunk cuz he realized how angry i was. I had NO CLUE he was driving drunk, and he ended up crashing, and I had to lie to my mom saying that he had a problem with his breaks and crashed (totalled the car). He lies a lot about where he goes with his friends cuz he thinks I will be mad (which most of the time i sometimes do). I realize I have issues, but I don't like him going to bars with all his single friends. I just wish he wasn't the "bar" and "drinking" kinda guy. One time I told him not to go out with his ex, and he said he wasn't, and ended up going out with her (i found out cuz the girl posting pictures of them on the internet, on facebook, and she is sitting in his lap with her face on his face taking pictures, and tom gave her a rose that was on the table in the restaurant). He said he just did that cuz I kept saying not to, and that that was annoying. I wish I just had a nice, nerdy boy!! Yesterday I had two huge midterms in school, so I told him WEEKS ago that I couldn't see him wednesday night becasues I wanted to study. He ended up coming ot my apartment anyways cuz he needed my internet cuz his apartment doesn't have it. I told him that he should go to my school's library cuz its open 24/7 and he could use the computers there. I really just like being alone when I'm studying, and my major kicks u out if you get C's, so I can't afford to not study. Well, he ended up having a temper tantrum, starting screaming, ripped up paper, threw a pillow at me (that scares me, when he gets into tantrums he sometimes throws things at me, nothing that can hurt, like just a pillow or a stuffed animal). But he doesn't have tantrums a lot. like he has only had about 3 big ones. Later on thursday he came over, and I asked him if he had anything to tell me (like sorry), and he said "well, do you have something to tell me for kicking me out?" I said "no, i didn't do anything wrong" and he said "well, i didn't do anything wrong". Well we ended up fighting in the car about that, and so he went into a temper tantrum and starting driving 80 in a 35 zone. I was so afraid he was going to crash. I know I am saying only bad stuff about him, but at the same time i REALLY love him and I just really want to get married. If I lost him, i would have no one. I don't have friends. But he is a great guy, and I know he really loves me, and is like the funniest guy on earth, and has NEVER cheated on me. But the fact is I don't trust him 100%, and I am scared if I did have kids with him that he would have temper tantrums in front of them. Also, maybe he can change. Maybe he can change into that nice boy I am picturing in my head. Not that coniving boy he is (always tries to find ways out, and bad things of every situation). He doesn't have a good outlook on life. Is it still okay to marry someone even if you can't 100% trust him? I know ur prolly thinking no, but I still really love him, he is always really nice to me, calls me a lot, is always there for me when my "problems" become very overwhelming. I don't know what to do. I could never ever break up with him, because I can't hurt anyone, and because I cant see myself without him. I don't want to hurt him, maybe I'm just in one of those "moods" and tomorrow I will be back totally in love with him. sorry, my threads are always downers. i guess thats the mood im in a lot, well im going to go to hw (i ended up getting a D on one of my finals) so i don't fail out of school.

[otgirlie]

wow, sorry i didn't realize it was that long till i posted it

[ICNDonna]

Please talk with a qualified counselor. You need some help in dealing with your feelings. Don't delay --- I urge you to make the appointment today.

I care.

Donna

[VickiB]

I'm sorry you're hurting! This isn't going to be much help, but I think you really need to look inside yourself for the answers to your questions. I have a feeling you may already know deep in your heart? Donna's right, a good counselor will be able to help you with that inside search.

The one thing I do know is that being in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage is way worse than being alone and single!

Hugs,
Vicki

[otgirlie]

thanks, im already seeing a psychologist, hehe. but once a week never seems like enough. thanks for your help!!!! i dunno what i'll do....i hate boys

[otgirlie]

okay, i know this sounds gross, but I've been having a lot of blood during BM's. The doc said it was just a fissure. But the toilet like fills up with blood, not just a little smear on toilet paper like I've read on the internet that most people have, and today i like i had to wear a pad cuz I keep bleeding there, and my stomach hurt. Does anyone know if that is still from the cut/fissure? How much blood comes from it? ooo gosh, something else to add to my lovely list. sorry if i grossed you all out, i don't know what to do. I don't have a doctor here cuz im at college.

[ICNDonna]

How long has it been since your doctor diagnosed the fissure? If it was more than two weeks, you really should see a doctor with that much bleeding.

Donna

[Ashelliak]

I urge you to get out of that relationship. Why would you want to marry someone who lies to you and goes out with ex-girlfriends? I was with a "boy" for 3 years and got engaged and he was a total as*. Trust me when I say this...get out while you can. I am 23 and with someone now who NEVER lies or throws anything at me. My ex was out of control. He locked me in a bathroom for 3 hrs. and when I finally got out he held me in a corner, I hit him and ran and he called the cops on me for assalt. Once the cops knew the whole story it was self defense. Even after all this I still went back. He lied and lied and lied some more. He stole money from his mother, did a bunch of drugs and porn led to him talking to other women online. That is when I left. And, I will tell you from the bottom of my heart-I am so happy that I did. It was hard for awhile because I was with him for so long and didn't know how to begin again. It took time..but, now it was so worth it. It will be worth it for you too...believe me...he won't change.

[sandramac]

Always listen to your gut! It there for a reason. If you are questioning the relationship its for a reason! Hugs Sandra

[Sunflower2]

My advice to you, you need to get out of this relationship. Reading from your post, I see the RED flag in your relationship. I know that you are afraid of being alone. However, why would you want to spend your rest of your life with someone you don't even trust??? That's not going to work. I am sorry for being brunt. However, just remeber this, with your IC, you need to have someone who can support you when in good time and bad, and trust you completely. If there is no turst between you and your bf, thing is no relationship at all. My SIL is married to a big liar. Our family warned her about him before. However, she didn't listen to us. Now she's paying her price for not listening to us. Please listen to your little voice inside, and what's really telling you about....

[Claredale]

Please dear girl. I know you were upset when you wrote that post, but believe me you don't need that kind of "love" in your life. I married young and was very lucky so everyone always tells me that I don't know what it is like to be out there and trying to find a partner for life. I do know how I should be treated and that I should never be afraid of what my guy would do or the future of my kids. Just remember the lies that you catch him in are just the tip of the iceberg. I am not even going into the porn thing except if you don't believe he should watch it, he should respect you PERIOD!!!

And as far as the support that you need, the other posts were right. Go to counseling. Find a support group at school. I don't know about your spirituality and churc, but maybe getting involved in a college age church group would be very helpful. You deserve a much better person than this and beleive me you are not to change him. I pray that he does change for himself because his life sounds dangerous. Marriage is wonderful, but it takes a lot of work and truth and trust.

HUGS! Tracey

[stacey79]

Hey, there. You've gotten so good advice thus far. I definitely would encourage to stay in counseling and talk with the counselor. You might even think about a session or two with your BF.

Trust is a really big part of any relationship. Honestly, I think it's one of teh biggest. I know you are scared to be alone. I am like you in that I have few friends and have been in your position where I didn't have any other friends. I'm wondering if you and your family are close or they are around where you live? I have been blessed to have my family around, but I know that's not always the case. My biggest source of strength is God, to be honest. Sometimes I've found that I draw closer to Him when I don't have anyone else.

You might think about taking the first step and talking with people you're in school with or finding a group to get involved with. It's so hard to do, but is worth it. I am a quiet person, but once started talking to a girl aroudn my age at church. We found we had a lot in common and she became my one female friend. She's out of town now, but we still keep in touch through e-mail.

Always remember that you have us here at the ICN. No matter what you decide to do, these boards are a great place of comfort and caring - whether it's your bladder or other issues.

I'm sending lots of warm hugs your way!

[meme]

Doesn't IC seem to make everything more complicated? Seriously though, you keep saying you can't wait to be married. Let me tell you, it's no fairy tale. My husband and I went through a lot of trust issues when we were first together and he too is the party type. It took a lot of fights for us to realize that you can't change somebody. If you really love them you have to let them be their own person and if they really love you back they'll make changes on their own for you. As far as the trust issues, if he's going to cheat, he'll cheat. That's his issue not your's. I too would suggest couples counseling for the two of you. Maybe it would help you express your feelings to eachother in a more civilized manner.

[Meemer]

You sound very young and he certainly is young (23). Neither of you is ready to settle down and you yourself have a lot of issues to work through first before considering marriage with anyone. A lot of women bash men for their own behavior and sit around trying to change them, which doesn't work. Even still, they remain in these relationships far too long and become bitter about men in general.

You are responsible for your choices and he is responsible for his. You have all the signs that this guy isn't ready to settle down. Obviously, that is his choice and he shouldn't have to spell it out to you since you already recognize the behavior. Now you have the choice to stay or go. Be an adult woman and decide to stay or go. Either way, you'll have unpleasant realities to accept and that's life.>Meemer

[Cherie K]

I have had a few bad relationships. But the thing with relationships is you usually don't realize just how bad they are until you are out of it and look back.
Already you are getting red flags just imagine the things you would notice looking back on the relationship.
I know what's it's like to be scared of being alone.

First of all you cannot change a man, they are who they are and do not even think you will be able to change him. I'm not saying this to be rude.
Could anyone really change who you are? And no one should be able to.

And you must love your self. And give your self the fulfillment you think you need your relationship for. the only way I made peace with being single and gasp actually liked being single. I was happy. I didn't need a man. and if you knew me at all you would be shocked I even got my self to this point. It did take about a year of being single. but I realized that life was not so complicated anymore. I didn't have to worry what my boyfriends where doing or who they where with. I did not have to put up with there anger or tantrums. exc...

and go figure after I reached this point of knowing I would be fine being alone. I met my now husband. it took me another year to really get series about dating him though. I was more scared to get back into a relationship and cause problems for my self. slowly I started to trust that this guy was really the guy he seemed to be. And even after 7 years of knowing him he has not changed. that's a vary rare man that does not put up a front early in the relationship.

My point is you need to be whatever you need for your self. And that will really help with having a healthy relationship with someone. when you don't expect them to keep you happy, or keep you UN-alone. That is freedom.
And will make your future relationships so much better.