My Marriage is in trouble

[MakinIT]

Hi all

You know...you just get to where you are managing things then something comes along and WHAP! Smacked off the ol' horse again. My husband has been handling finances for the family since, well, since I've been such high pain meds, and we decided to buckle down and pay debt down. Now, we have very high debt...(had....now it's more like medium)..For along time, I had the only credit cards but they were ONLY used on emergency things like transmission problems (twice in 3 months, seperate cars), brakes, Medical copays, etc...we also had car payments, house payments, student loans, blah, blah, blah,....we had to take a second mortgage to consolidate our debt, Ohh....then Roger bought a brand new Hyundai Sonata. Nice but expensive. Now, bout 3 months after that, I got ill. Suddenly my salary was cut by 2/3rds (and I haven't seen a raise in 3 years) My husband is working many hours...The only time I actually talk to him is at the end of the month when he does the bills and then he is angry. I have one credit card. Has a limit of 15,000. I only put 300 or so in medical on it. I give him 2/3rds of my disability check, and try to buy groceries for the family and have money for myself with that. (He gets between $4,000-5,000 + 1600 from me.) Now does that suck? As a family we are obviously not in trouble, but he seems to think since I'm not "working" I'm not entitled to that money. We have made so many agreements about my stupid credit card being for medical or online purchases (very rare) yet when he sees My little balance (as opposed to the balance on his cards of at least 2 thousand...) He slams out of the house and says I'm ruining the children's future. Ok...slide back into guilt on the 5 steps of grieving. He also says we have no intimacy but says its not sex, we just don't talk....but he stated it like it was my fault. I told him I'm ALWAYS home. He told me I always go to bed. Well, with the meds I take I get very sleepy and he ignores me when I'm awake. I try to talk. So, he and my girls are camping in Canada for the Month with his sister and her friends. My oldest daughter called me last night and toldme, innocently, that dad spent about an hour talking to a woman. Then she said the lady was gross, she smoked and "smelled wierd" (Makes me wonder what she was smoking) She told Roger later that she didn't like that he spent so much time talking to one lady and he first laughed, then I guess was shocked, told her he was practicing his "small talk" skillls...which he is awful at. I guess what hurt most was that Roger kept saying happy he was to finally be away from home.

I'm very worried...he will stay loyal to me, but there won't be any emotion. I can't handle that. He understands this disease and the pain I'm in. But he doesn't know how to talk to me about it.

I'm sorry, don't need to unload but my marriage has been slowly going down hill. This damn disease is so insidious...it hurts everything ina persons life.

Tracey

[ICNDonna]

I'm so sorry. I think it would be a good idea to talk with a marriage counselor. If he won't go, then go alone. If your area is like where I live, there are counselors through some of the agencies where there isn't any charge for this. Many years ago I worked with a marriage and family counselor at a Catholic Charities office and I saw many situations where only one of a couple sought counseling and it did help. Lots of times, the wife would begin the counseling and later on, sometimes weeks later, the husband would come in too.

Sending warm encouraging hugs,
Donna

[dancemomof2]

I agree talking to somone may help, but then who am I to tell this to when my own hubby sceams NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to that statement. Good Luck willl be praying for you.

[MakinIT]

"sigH" yeah...I've been thinking about counseling for alooong time. My chronic pain psych is quite "firm"in his "request" for me to have marital counseling and yes, me only if he is uncooperative. Which I feel strongly he would be. let me see. I think the last time I suggested it (2 months ago) he said "I'm not tellling and paying some stranger my personal problems when I am fully capable of doing so myself". So There. (he is a wee bit stubborn....Donna, I attribute that to his childhood spent in Junction City...Y'all are a bunch of stubborn cusses, specially the bunch that graduated in the early 80's) I, however, am a model of perfection.

He did just call to say that he wanted me to take Amtrack to Vancouver, BC. (He has a conference there) when I get there, he is sending our kids to go with Auntie and grandma to stay in comfort INN. I'll stay with Roger in the Royal Crown Plaza? where they are having the conference. (sounds fancy...hope they don't put a fancy name on a fleabag motel) Then, I go home with my oldest to make sure she gets to cross country camp on Mt. Hood. Yuck. However, she's 15..she'll be fine...the running up and down the mountain will just bring much from her. But it should be fun. I spent alot of time when I was her age on MT. Hood, although it was usually skiing, It was always odd to be there when there was no snow. I'm still not driving ...I did make a drive because of an emergency yesterday. I was having hard time staying focused on the road.

Thanks for the advice so far...has anyone lost a marriage over this damn disease? I will admit my husband is sort of self centered but is also very concerned on the well being of our family which, to him, equals...money...

Tracey

[ICNDonna]

Actually I live near Alvadore, but if I say that someone always wants to know where the is Alvadore.



Donna

[MakinIT]

You're right....I lived in Eugene for 8 years, and got to know J.C. quite well...I know Fern Ridge (the resevoir at this time of the year is particularly lovely......I can recall drunken college students chasing each other with bottle rockets...ahh the good ol' days) I know Cougar Dam, Creswell...all those places...but have no idea where Alvadore is...is it towards the coast? or up the Mackenzie? (I can't imagine it being north or south cause I know I-5 pretty well...)

Anyway...Have a great fourth...Idon't know about you, but I am sweating up at this end of the Willamette valley. And now, my father in law just bought some hot and spicey relish and is going on and on about it's marvels and keeps saying I have to try it. I just now said "Bill...have you not noticed what I eat? spicey, flavourful, and acidic are not included" He got miffed. he really doesn't get it. Thinks it's all in my head. Drives me nuts. he really gets upset because he likes to cook and he makes very meat and potatoes stuff (with alot of tomatoes) First of all, I have learned the smells of foods tells me whether I can eat em or not. Most stuff, I get real sick to my stomach. I figure it's my bodie's way of saying my bladder is going to go nuts. So, I just sit at the table during dinner, drink water, and talk with the family. he gets very grumpy b/c I won't eat, and i try to explain why. No matter what is made (Chili anyone?) he says "'there ain't nuthin that's gonna hurt you"


Oh well..at least I'll go to my parents for the fourth. It's my mom's birthday, won't have to worry about my husband being grumpy there.

Tracey

[ICNDonna]

If you know Fern Ridge Lake, we live a mile from the dam. We don't go there very often. This year the water is very low because they are doing some dam rapairs. There aren't even any boats moored there. We used to moor a sailboat at Orchard Point and sailed often.

Our yard is full of trees so it's cool here --- and I have two air conditioners upstairs running to keep the house cool.

Donna

[emilyrose197377]

Tracey, I am sorry for what you are going through. Talking to a counselor may help. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Take Care
Kim

[Dixiefireball]

I'm sorry Tracey If you need someone to talk to please give me a buzz.

[DanaW]

I am also having a very tough time with my husband. I haven't worked since June of 04' and not having an income is killing our marriage. I have filed for Disab. but, we can't make it until I get approved. We have a lot of debt also bc of my not working. My husband said he was sick of livining this way and told me that I have to get a job. Before he stated this he told me a month ago that he asked for some work from someone we know in town. He would be driving a dump truck for him, part-time. (after his city job) I was so relieved when he told me that he was going to be making some extra money. Well, since then, he has not mentioned it and it looks like he is not going to do it. I am on heavy meds. and can't really stand or sit for very long. I use the bathroom constantly. Hence why I filed. I couldn't believe he just thinks I can go out that get a job. Like all of a sudden I am not sick?? It makes me really angry. He has never really supported me with this disease. Whatever happened to a man that will do anything to support his family? I am very depressed and feel very despondant. So, I can totally relate to your situation. Any advice for me ladies??

[MakinIT]

Thanks for your thoughts Dixie...I really appreciate it. I'm just curious how much he will seem to miss me, that is, how he'll act, when he sees me after a month. Dana...I am SO sorry for you too. My h usband, at least, knows I can't work. He won't even let me drive. If I have to go to the store he drags himself up and takes me (most of the time) even if its just two blocks aaway and I try to sneak out so as not to bother him. (I'm not supposed to drive but am fine with in a short area, its when I'm driving continously I get into trouble...My mind drifts, I fall asleep,...Had two near misses and my doc said he'd either medically pull my license or I had to swear not to drive so I did. He has a lot of trust in me, my doc) So, anyway...I do at least get some money and I finally have my social securiy hearing this fall (after 2 and 1/2 years) it won't change my income. My private disability insurance will decrease my amount by the amount I get. I'm just curious though, they have never paid me extra for child dependent benifits. Social security will give me some. Sounds like my private company will take those into account as well.

I'm just tired of living with a cold, emotionless man. He doesn't mean to be, but he is. I think under it all, he blames me.

Have a good fourth everyone!

[DanaW]

Thanks Tracy..... It is good to know that I am not the only one who has a cold husband. I think that my husband is really angry with me bc of my IC. When we first got married over 14 years ago, he knew that I had FM. Which meant that there were certain things I couldn't do. He seemed to resent that after a few years.....His Mom is miss boundless energy until SHE also came down with FM. Then, it was poor Carole (my mother-in-law) . Here I had had FM since I was 21 and there was no simpathy for me. Not that I was asking for it....just acceptance that I am limited to what I can and can't do. When I came down with IC, my in-laws have never once asked me how I am doing. They make me sick. Anyways, I guess it runs in the family. My husband says he understands but, his actions do not show it. Here I am taking serious medications bc of my bladder, am in pain every minute of every day of my life. And, all he can do is tell me "you have to get a job". Well, duh, why do you think that I filed for Disability?? I was a school bus driver, for gosh sakes.....He told me that he would get this extra work to help the family and now nothing!!!!!! It makes me really angry that he went back on his word. He is physically able to do the work. He is the man. The husband and father! Sorry for the vent. I hope things get better for you Tracy. I have also thought about counseling for myself. I think it would help my depression. I would love to go ONE day without pain, either from my FM or my IC. My life is misery. If it weren't for my children, I wouldn't want to live in my body anymore.

[Leslye]

Dana & Tracey, I am So sorry!! But I want to tell you both that You are not alone. I Do have a very understanding husband but he is clueless in Our financial situation & yes it is My fault. I can NO longer work Due this dredful disease that I have fought Like hell to keep it from taking over my life. The ONLY way I can get any kind of relief is to take ALL of my meds. & with that I can not function. I Worry so much that I have let my family down. I feel like at times that they would be better without me. I filed for disability & was turned down & I will be appealing this SOON. We can not even afford to pay attention. I have always taken care of the finances so at this time my husband is not aware of how bad we are. I do not tell him because I am so afraid that he will resent me. I feel like I am useless to him because I can not work,clean the house, or have sex! Right know as I am typing this I wonder how we are financially going to make it through another month. My husband gets paid on the first of every month & the money is already gone & there are bills still left to pay & Dr's appt. & meds to get. Our A/C unit is messing up, my A/C went out in my Car, & my son just came in & told me that my husband's boat is leaking gas & we need to carry the motor in & get it fixed!! Oh, I almost forgot the brakes on My husbands truck are going out. We have NO savings, except for my husbands 401K.(there is ALOT in it) We already are paying for loans we have taken out against it. Things were fine back when I was alble to work. I am already sick, isn't that enough, why do I have to feel like I am being punished for having a disease that I did not Ask for?(like any of us asked for this) I am fixing to lose everything that my husband & I have worked for! I see NO light at the end of the tunnel, right know things just keep on piling up. My husband is planning on retiring next year June 31st. He will be 50, I am 36, he was married to a RN for 20yrs they did not have money problems. My husband makes GOOD money but after everything is taken out the take home is nothing!! I feel as though he would do so much better without me & that he deserves better!! He is A wonderful man & I am so Afraid that he will have to give up his retiring or give up some of his 401K to get us out of this mess. If I could just get my disability it would be better. We need an extra income right know! I have thought about trying to go back to work but I can not even get out of the bed on some days. YES,I AM AWARE OF THE fACT THAT I AM DEPRESSED!!! I am So tired of hurting! Dana, I know exactly how you feel if it were not for my kids I would not be here also. As I type this I have just started crying uncontrolably. I want so bad for things to get better! Anyway, I guess i will go for know. I hope all of you get to feeling better SOON! Love & Hugs to you ALL!!

[patricia1]

First off Makinit I am so sorry for all that you are going through right now. I know it is rough. I hope your hubby will come around soon. I will keep you in my prayers.
.

[patricia1]

For Leslye and Dana. Please dont give up on your SSD. I know it can take along time, mine took 2 yrs and 3 months from start to finish. I was turned down the first time and won during my hearings appeal. And I also know how it feels not to be able to pay the bills. I to was the one in charge of paying the bills and also did not clue my hubby in to our finicial distress. I also came so close to losing my home and tried to hide it from him. But he found out and it was worse not telling him and finding out by something that came in the mail. I to get house note into something called a forclosure agreement notes. It costed me double the amount of our montly note, but he found out by seeing this come in the mail. I guess what I am saying is let him know, cuz if he finds out later it could be worse. I am sorry for all of you guys. Let me know if I can do something