How Do I Keep From Overwhelming My Wife?

[hdwadman]

I am very afraid that I am going to drive my wife away because of this disease. I know I'm irritable more, that she has to pick up my slack, both financially and around the house, and I wondered what I can do to make it better from her. I can tell that she's already getting frustrated with the way my symptoms dominate my thoughts and limit our lives. I guess I am afraid of growing apart. Any suggestions?

[bluetou]

I constantly feel the same way about my IC, I feel some days it rules my daily agenda, especially when it comes to having intimate times with my husband. I think the biggest thing is that you keep the line of communication open. I know that my husband is so very supportive and understanding of my IC, (but I must never forget that he also needs to know my thoughts and what I am feeling) so he has an idea where my pain is each day and where my thoughts take me. (some times self doubht...etc)

SO for me keeping the communication constantly going is huge. And I certainly do not mean to communicate only about IC and your symptoms over and over...but for me, it is about saying to my husband how much I love him and appreciate all he does for me, and the house, and the kids...how hard he works...etc.....I may also throw in at times, how there are times where I would love to be intimate, but am not feeling well for it, but would love to have quiet close time instead....etc...

I think just letting your wife know how much you love her and appreciate her through notes and gentle hugs and keeping with an open mind of freeflowing communication will certainly keep your bond connected through this.


Peace

[ICNDonna]

I think one of the most common things that can happen is that when we are in pain we tend to internalize and shut people out. I learned fairly early in my IC life that family relations are better for me if my family knows when I am painful. Even if I try to hide it, they can tell --- and they feel left out. My husband and I have an agreement. If either of us doesn't feel okay, we will not hide it. Believe me when I say that it leads to a better understanding.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[allipal]

Don't let your worries about this disease cause you to withdraw from showing her that you love her. Women are built to withstand a lot of stress and duties, etc... it's how we're able to be wives, mothers, workers, etc... but our hearts are not built to withstand withdrawl of affection and emotional connection with our spouses. Maybe you could start doing little things each week to remind her that no matter how horrible you feel- physically or emotionally due to all of the things associated with IC- that you will always love her... stuff like small love notes left around the house for her to find, a phone call midday just to say hi and that you're thinking about her, a neck rub before bed, drawing her a hot bath (after you've cleaned the tub first. haha), stuff like that. Inexpensive, small, not physically taxing on you-- but all things that will remind her that you're her lover.

? Maybe I'm just a romantic.

[amaranthe]

Just by writing this post, you are already well on your way to having a good relationship inspite of IC, simply b/c you are looking for ways to put her needs first. That's what it takes to be a good husband. Show her you appreciate her and tell her that very often. Here's a few ideas:

Send flowers for no reason, (or pick a bouquet of wildflowers in the spriing and summer) and bring them to her for no reason.

Pick up an inexpensive pair of earrings for her as a surprise and tell her you saw them and thought they would look beautiful on her ears.

Get up 30 min early one morning and make breakfast for her and bring it to her in bed.

Draw her bath for her, add bubbles, light a bunch of candles, and bring in the CD player and put on a CD of her favorite songs. (You could also wash her back and hair for her while she is in the tub, or even join her in the tub, if you are in a frisky mood! )

You could also burn a CD of all her favorite songs, or perhaps the songs that were in your wedding.

Buy a couple of roses one night and while she's in the tub, scatter the rose petals all over the bed.

Get a pad of hot pink post-it notes, and write something nice to her on several each day, and hide them throughout the house. (Hiding places: in the fridge, inside a cabinet door in the kitchen, inside a clean pot, inside a closet door, on a window, on her pillow, on her phone, on her wallet, on her bathroom mirror, inside her jewlery box, on the steering wheel of her car, etc.

On the same hot pink post-its, you can cut them all out in the shape of hearts and then get a red sheet of construction paper and write on it "100 things I love about you". Then, on each pf the heart shaped pink post-its, write a different reason. Some can be funny, others can be serious. (Like I love that you drool in your sleep or I love that you snort when you laugh or I love that you can always finish my sentences. It can be anything that expresses how you feel and what you love about her. Then, tape the construction paper one to the front of your bedroom door or closet door, (or wherever), and then stick the post-its all over the door beneath it. It looks GREAT and is SO romantic (and inexpensive too!)

There are so many ways to show her how much you love and appreciate her. HOw you do it is not as important as that you do it and do it often. Women need to be told and shown often how much we are loved and appreciated.

So, be generous with compliments and stingy with insults. Massage her back as often as you feel well enough to do so (with no expectations! ) When you are having a good day, pick up the slack and clean the house, cook dinner, and do other things you cant when you feel bad. While you are at it, give her some money and tell her you want her to go out and have a day just for her. Tell her to go get a massage or her hair done, or out to eat with her friends, or whatever else makes her feel good, and that you will be taking care of things on the home front for the day.

Another thing, ask her sometime how SHE is handliing the IC, and to tell you how it has impacted HER life. Ask her what she feels has been most difficult to deal with, and how you can make things easier for her both physically and emotionally.

Lastly, though I think it is important to talk to our spouses about our health issues, I also think we may have a tendency to talk TOO much about it sometimes. Everyone needs a break from hearing about it once in a while. That's why this place is so great! We can come here and talk to each other about IC stuff, and we find others that understand and have been there or even ARE there right now too. But, one of the nicest thngs is I think it gives our families a break that they all very much deserve.

I wish you both the best. I Think your wife is very lucky to be married to such a considerate man who WANTs to do these things. And you already know you are lucky to be married to a wonderful woman like her that deserves these things.

Kindest regards to both of you and best of luck,
Amaranthe

[KarenAnne]

I feel the same way! My symptoms of IC, VV, & PFD, started two months after my wedding. We are newlyweds & were postponing our honeymoon for the fall(almost over),
& we can not even take it now. I moved out of state to my husband's town & was looking for a new job when all this hit too. I feel consumed by this. It seems all I talk to my husband about is my bladder problems. Are all new IC sufferers like this? How & when do you reach some sense of normalcy?

[hdwadman]

I just worry about the burden all of this has been on Dawn. We've had a really rough couple of years. I lost my mom, we had a son born at 25 weeks, and he only lived for 4 days, Dawn miscarried this summer, I hurt my shoulder and have had 2 surgeries now, and then the IC on top of everything. I lost my job because of this disease, and we could really use the money. I love her more than anything, and I am so afraid that she'll get tired of picking up my slack. She's an an amazing woman, but these last 2 years have been so overwhelming, there have been times when I've felt like there was no hope, and I know that in a lot of ways it has been worse for her. I'm just trying to figure out what I can do to handle things in the way that she needs. And it is hard to balance that with the way I feel physically, and the fact that I'm depressed. I have really felt like this site and the people here have helped me keep going hese last few months. I have introduced her to the site. I hope she can get some comfort from everyone here too! Thanks to everyone,
DeWayne