Thread: major doubts.....help.........
08-17-2006, 12:56 AM #1
- Join Date
- Mar 2004
- north carolina
Well......i don't know whom else to talk too. Maybe some of you out there can give me some advice. Much needed help and advice.
Long story short i am not sure i want to be married anymore , I got pregnant before we got married and sometimes i still feel like we just rushed into things.
I don't think my husband feels this way , he doesn't know i am even having these kinda thoughts. we dated almost two years before we got married and pregnant but you know the old saying about how you don't really know someone until you live with them?? well its 100% true and then some ..........
He has anger issues , hes not abusive or mean to me or the kids , not violent in any way but he has the worst attitude of anyone i have ever met in my life. Its literally draining the life out of me and you know with IC i don't have much life and energy to be drained out of me. Lately hes keeping me in a constant flare almost because of the stress.
He is miserable all the time its always something , hes mad at the world , litearally and everyone and everything in it is out to get him personally and all he talks about is how stupid everyone is......this includes celebrites and people on tv and the news.......people he doesn't know at all whatsoever and that he tells me everyday that they are going to get "owned" for being so stupid...i have yet to figure out what this means.......we will be married two years come january.....I mean yeah i knew he had some of these things before we marrried but i never saw what i see now by living with him cause he went home or i went to my home.......he hid it very well.
He also has the unrealistist expectations of people that are close to him, especially his 10 year old daughter . I already hear her talking like him about different things when shes over here and frankly it scares me to freakin death and i don't know how to handle it or what to do. I have begged him to go to the doctor now that he has insurance and he still will not go.
I already raised one child in a home full of anger and rage and mental abuse , while again hes not absuvive it reminds of the same thing......he has this weird anger problem and has tried and done many alternative treatments , which do not work. I think he needs a real doctor at this point but it only makes him angrier if i try to talk to him about it ......
Hes so full of anger for no reason about little things taht should not even really get that kinda of reaction out of.....for example.......
yesterday morning , he gets out of the shower i again had been up almost all night with our one year old . she still doesn't sleep and she finally went back to sleep and he comes in there talking to her and rattling around all his change and clothes and crap and all i said , and i did not stay it with attitude or mean or angry .......i said , i so wish that you would get your stuff out and ready the night before and leave it in the bathroom so it won't wake the baby is she isnt already awake.....
he started slamming his stuff around and told me thanks for ruining his **** day.......
I could go on and on with stories that are similar but you get the point by now......i don't know what else i should try....does anyone have any suggestions??
08-17-2006, 01:43 AM #2
I have one suggestion and that is to see a professional counselor. It sounds like he won't go, but if he won't, then go alone. It could help you a lot to sort out your feelings and make decisions about your future and that of your child. And please let me know how you are doing.
If you can't afford a private counselor, check to see if there's a Family Service Agency or a Catholic Charities near you --- either could give you some guidance to find help.
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08-17-2006, 01:52 AM #3
Hey Kristi! I understand how this could be frustrating for you and I have to agree with you that he may very well need actual medical help. You'd know best, as you are right there day in and day out, as to what most likely would help him out. He sounds really tightly strung, is work a problem? Is he stressed there and it comes up and out in other areas, like everyday life?
There are so many things that can cause that kind of "aggression", and I mean that in the way of snapping at people etc. (not physical abuse or anything) Depression, adult ADD etc. And they are all things that would benefit from medical help if all other avenues have been exhausted. I do see your problem of getting him there though, ugh. That's the tough part, eh?
The only thing I can think of is just sit him down (when he seems not wound up) and tell him exactly how you feel. How it's affecting you and the kids etc. And how you aren't sure of how to deal with it, etc. That's the only thing I can honestly think of. A no holds barred conversation, so he knows just how precariously he's sitting in this relationship and you want to try to make it work etc.
I do hope things take a turn for the better for you, that stuff is NEVER easy, that's for sure. Take care of yourself - don't forget to do that!!!!!
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time...
Harry arrived 2/23/09!
*IC Volunteers are not medical authorities nor do we offer medical advice. In all cases, we strongly encourage you to discuss your medical treatment with your personal medical care provider. Only they can, and should, give medical recommendations to you.
IC Diet Cheat Sheet:
IC dx'd Nov 2004
Lymphocytic Colitis dx'd July 2005
Current IC Meds
Vistaril 25mg in the evening
Previous IC Meds taken:
Cystoprotek - 2 caps 2x's a day
Elmiron, 100mg 3x's a day
Ditropan, 5 mg 3x's a day
Wellbutrin 150mg 2x's a day for Anxiety/IBS
Pepcid 40mg a day for GERD
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08-17-2006, 02:16 AM #4
- Join Date
- Jan 2003
Kristi, I agree some counseling would be a good idea. It sounds like you suggested this already. I know the first year after the baby was born here, hubby was a whole nother person trying to learn to cope with a wife my 2 girls then add a baby to the mix. He had a hard time coing from a bachelor to and adult with responsibilites. Sending you hugs. Hope things get better.
08-17-2006, 02:25 AM #5
I agree with others. Get some counselingAya
IC Diagnosed in September, 2005
My conditions are : IC, PFD, Allergies, and Constipation
"It's not easy being grateful all the time. But it's when you feel least thankful that you are most in need of what gratitude can give you."
— Oprah Winfrey
08-17-2006, 02:48 AM #6
"going to get "owned" for being so stupid"
that means that karma is going to bite them in the butt (sorta) or that they are going to get in trouble if they keep on doing whatever they're doing...
My older brother says that phrase all the time and it's sooooooooooooo annoying (my mom actually ended up banning the word "owned" from our house but now it's back!).....current meds:
cytotec 200mcg twice daily
ONLY 3 MEDICATIONS!!! YAY! Would never have dreamed this is possible
dx: hashimoto's thyroiditis 1998
dx: interstitial cystitis via cystoscopy with hydrodistention and biopsy 2003
dx: endometriosis 2003
dx: innapropriate sinus tacchicardia 2005
meds tried but failed:
elavil (6months)- severe tachycardia
elmiron (1yr6mo.)- no improvement, nausea, hair loss, stomach ulcers
a bunch of others
Me and my best friend's baby (also my Godson!)
08-17-2006, 02:55 AM #7
Does he also go through periods of depression? The anger almost makes me think of bipolar disorder (manic depression). Are you familiar with that at all?Kim
Diagnosed August 2001
Current IC meds: Elmiron (since 2001), Levaquin (one pill after intercourse to prevent UTIs), Effexor (for depression & anxiety)
Past IC meds: Amitriptyline (Elavil), Hydroxyzine (Vistaril), Detrol LA, Lexapro (for depression & anxiety, but also helped my IC) (They all helped, but I was able to discontinue them.)
My IC story: http://www.ic-network.com/patientstories/kim.html It's very outdated now. I've been virtually symptom free and able to eat & drink whatever I'd like for about 8 years now.
“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.” ~ Viktor Frankl
“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” ~ Brian Tracy
08-17-2006, 07:38 AM #8
- Join Date
- Mar 2004
- north carolina
Yes sometimes i wonder myself if he is bibolar or manic depressive these maybe the same thing i am not sure. He has periods where he is high on life and periods where hes low and like hes been all week long......
I am his third wife.......gee wonder why.........I am finding out a lot of things i never knew before.......that i knew but he chalked it up to other things and at the time i didn't see any reason to disagree but now i am not so sure......
There is never a good time to talk to him , i am walking on egg shells yet again. something i swore i would never do.......
Everything stresses him out , work, money , kids, strangers, you name it .....
its always always something.......everything but him ........
He is the sole provider and theres no way i can work right now so if i kick him out i am in the hole worse than he is.......i have nothing........no means of supporting myself whatsoever......no college education and jobs are practically scarce where i live and then I have the baby to deal with an this IC that pretty much keeps me from working a real job anyway .....most places won't hire me when they find out how much i attend the doctors office and somedays i cannot leave my house......i am trying to find a child to keep in my home right now but not having much luck yet there either......
I think you are right though......i need to go back to couseling...........
thanks everyone so very much........please pray for me and my family......
08-17-2006, 01:10 PM #9
Kristi, I'm so sorry! This has got to be terribly hard on you!
Have to say I agree with the others that having a good counsellor to talk to would likely be very helpful. Your husband sounds very much like the husband of a friend of mine. He never has anything good to say, everyone else is an idiot, he's always the victim,...etc. I love my friend but dread to visit anymore if he's around, and I can only imagine how hard it is for her! I do know that she was on a steady downward ride to a train wreck until she found a counsellor who has helped her to deal with this constant barrage of negativity.
Sounds like your hubby needs the help, but if he won't, please help yourself!
My prayers are with you!
08-17-2006, 03:12 PM #10
Hon you know how to get in touch with me if you just need a shoulder to lean on.
I know what your going threw. I dad is the same way. I'm always on egg shells when he is here at home. I so wish he would move out, but I don't never for see that happening. I love him, but can't put up with him. I swear if he wasn't working I would move out. Heck I'm like a little kid and run and hid in my room at times when he is around. just so I don't have to hear him!
however if my husband is home he want say a dang thing.
Kristi. call me e-mail me what ever you need. Heck if you need to get out of the house. we are not that far from each other.
sending you hugs and lots of prayers.
RhondaMedicine taken daily or as needed:
1. Heaprin and Marcaine rescue installment 1 to 3x daily as needed.
2. MS.Cotin 100mg 3x daily
3. MSIR 30mg 1 or 2 every 4-6hrs as needed for breakthrew pain.
4. Fentanyl 100 mg Change every 48hrs.
5. Gentamicin 80mg install after each rescue treatment
5 Leviquin 500mg self start as needed.
6. Klonopin 1 or 2 daily as needed.
7. Prosed/DS as 1 every 6hrs as needed.
I have IC, but IC doesn't have me anymore!
08-17-2006, 04:51 PM #11
hugs and support
Hello Kristi and I too agree that it would be wonderful for YOU to see a counselor who will help you decide where to draw the lines and what to do to help keep things at a low boiling point when he is home -- that could help your own stress too.
I see another thing in this -- I believe that you have always got a choice in how you will respond to the other person's actions and words. I don't always do the right thing, and don't expect you or anyone else to either, but sometimes if you are prepared for a certain situation, you will handle it better -- for example.
The clothing and noise in the morning are situations you expect are going to happen again.. Consider the night before asking him nicely to please lay out his stuff for the morning so that the activity in the morning won't wake the baby -- in fact, if need be, ask if you can get his stuff together for him and put it in the bathroom -- may take an ounce of work in the evening on YOUR part, but it will benefit you a LOT in the morning if the baby isn't awakened. Also, you are not accusing him when you ask him to please do something the night before -- you are foreseeing a possible problem and derailing it ahead of time.
Similar things can be done in other situations, but you will be the one to best decide what those things are.
Regarding his anger -- it concerns me when I read that it isn't abusive, yet, he talkes to you in the way you stated in the morning -- please, don't misunderstand me, but don't diminish your value or the value of your children or his daughter either. If he talks to you in a demeaning way, and if he is always so angry that you are walking on eggshells, then he is 'controlling your with his anger' so basically, unless you walk on eggshells you WOULD be bombarded with angry words that hurt as much or more than a fist in the arm!
I too had a very angry, negative husband for many years. It drags you down. Everyone else was an 'as*h*le' and I mean EVERYONE!!! This does affect you and your children because they never learn respect for others -- in this way, you will need to work with your own children and his when she is around to try to undo that talk in their heads and teach them to respect others -- if he is like my ex -- he is always cutting others down. That is just a way to make himself feel better -- but, ironically, that never works... they don't like themselves.
I agree with the person who suggested it may be depression on his part -- perhaps he was raised in a setting like my ex, where his parents also did this type of talking -- he is living what he learned -- but the good news is that it can be unlearned as well. I hope you will spend extra time teaching the children to respect others -- that when their dad is acting out and saying these things that he is angry inside -- and that he sometimes expresses things out of anger -- that THEY have a choice to see the good or the bad in people and hopefully they will choose to see the good in others.
I will pray a short prayer for you asking on your behalf for intervention.
Dear Father, I do pray now that you would intervene in this family -- that you would bring this man to his knees before you or the world he lives in and cause him to truly see himself for what he is -- an angry person. I pray Father that you would help him to recognize the damage he is doing not only to his own self, but to his family by living in constant anger and unhappiness. I pray that if he is suffering from depression, that he will agree to get help and that he WILL get help and allow someone else to minister to his needs at this time. If he was raised this way, I pray that you would bring someone into his life who will mentor him and show him the err of this way and direction and that he will come to recognize his need of help and of you, Lord.
I pray for these children who are hearing the negative things around them all the time. I pray that you would build a hedge around them and protect them from the anger and hurtful things that are being said in their midst. I pray that you would give this sister a clear path to take and a direction to go with those things she must decide. I pray for healing in this marriage -- not a divorce or separation -- but a true miracle of healing in this marriage.
I know that you can and do miracles all the time and I ask that my sisters and brothers in the Lord who read this prayer will join in me asking for a miracle to take place in the lives of all in this family. I especially pray for this woman to come to LOVE HER HUSBAND with a love that is beyond her own ability so that she will see that the love we have in you is not of our own doing, but of YOUR doing in us. I pray that she will be able to love him in a way that she is able to insist on a better environment for her children and for herself. I pray that she will love him in a way that will lovingly show him support that will lead him into good counsel. I pray that a mentor would come along side of her and help her through this.
It is clear that she is afraid to leave because of financial needs -- I pray that if it be your will that she move out of this situation, that you would provide the means to do so. And if it is your will that she stay there, I pray that the mood and temperament in this home be brought under your will and control and out of the hands of the enemy who seeks to devour -- whose sole purpose is to destroy lives and families.
Thank you Jesus for hearing our prayers and for helping those who seek your face to find you. Grant peace, and patience and direction I pray... In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
08-18-2006, 03:25 AM #12
- Join Date
- Mar 2004
- north carolina
Thanks mary, that was an awesome beautiful prayer........things i wanna say but couldn't think of because i am so stressed out. I appreciate it so very very much.
And to everyone else that has responded with advice it has been uplifting and most helpful and i so aprreciate it with all of my heart...
HE came home yesterday in a much better mood.......hopefully it will last...maybe it was marys prayer i don't know......
I just wish that he would let go of the past, i know there were some issues there and realize that he needs some help.......
maybe he will now.......
I don't know what i would do without this website and all of you great people.
I love u all.
08-19-2006, 02:23 PM #13
God is awesome and HE DOES ANSWER PRAYERS!
I want to just thank you for being just a sweet hearted person -- remember -- you have a value and don't ever let anyone demean that value in you by talking you down.
Hugs and I do hope and pray that you will be able to work through many of the things that people posted here for you to try with your hubby and by yourself.
There are MANY people in here who believe in the power of prayer because we(they) have seen answers to prayers many times!
I thank the Lord for a better day yesterday and hope you will have another good one(s) ahead of you!
08-20-2006, 06:14 PM #14
- Join Date
- Jan 2006
I would like to say Amen to Mary's beautiful and uplifting prayer. I prayed with her on your behalf. I DO believe in the power of prayer. As Mary said, we have seen it work many times on this board alone, not to mention in all of our lives. I pray that this one will work too. I will continue to pray for you and your family.
I think that the others have given you excellent advice. There is nothing that I can really add to what they have already said. I just want you to know that I am praying for you too, and that if you ever need to talk to someone, I am also available anytime. Hugs, Amy
09-09-2006, 10:22 AM #15
- Join Date
- Jul 2006
Try reading the book STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS by Mason and Kreger. It for people who live with someone verbally abusive just like your husband. I read it and I think it will really help.IC for 10 years
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