Can't imagine sex with IC...

[TiffanyK]

I was wondering how you all manage to have sex with IC. I have IC too, of course, but feeling like I have to pee all the time makes sex the last thing I want to do. I feel really bad about it because I'm married and we hardly ever have sex. My poor husband is deprived and I miss the closeness. Any suggestions? It's not so much that it hurts during sex, I just don't feel like I can get started and if I do then I flare afterwards.

Tiffany

[RedLione]

Tiffany: Uristat. That helps with the flare afterwards, and I even take it before (if I have that much warning. It's a pretty sure bet for me to take it on Saturday!) It also relieves the urgency for me, which certainly can distract you from feeling like having sex. As for "getting you started," that's your partner's job! Hope this helps.

[jen_dahling]

Is uristat OTC or script? Thanks!

[work it]

Tiffany try an ice pack before sex it seems to help for me. Again you would need some warning though:)

[tigger_gal]

Before I got to bed at night I always take vicodine for my pain, and flexeril (for fibro and myofascial pain) and my ambien.... I pretty much know whn hubby wants sex (darn near all the time) I take my vicodine and flexeril and if a urised about an huor before I go to bed, and the ambien just before... usually my timing and guessing is pretty good, and that helps the pain :)
Brat

[Katrina]

Lately hubby and I have made the goal to be intamacy and closeness....and let what happens happen.....and so far each time some kind of "sex" happens. Since vaginal sex is too painful atm that isn't what happens but illiminating that from #1 goal has made sex happen more often and hubby is happier and ...so am I. I believe that sex will be possible again...since at times while I have had IC it has been....but the pain of some of the times has done it's dammage to me and has made sex scarry.....so illiminating vaginal sex from the goal has helped me enjoy whatever kind of sex our immaginations can come up with a lot more....and since that happens more hubby is happy. I believe this will help me with my fears when I feel well enough later on....I hope you can come up with a way that is comfortable for you.

PM me if I can help you anymore....some things I just can't post!

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[TiffanyK]

Is Uristat the same as perideum? I'm not sure how that's spelled but it has never seemed to make a bit of difference with my IC in the past...Thanks for replying though!

Tiffany

[ICNDonna]

It's possible for most ICers to have a satisfying sex life in spite of having IC. It takes a lot of communication and experimentation --- and a lot of lubricant, but it's well worth the effort.

Donna

[Sarojini]

The post sex flare can really be awful, can't it? I get it sometimes too. But the good news is -- Donna's right. It's possible to have a satisfying sex life despite the IC. First, communication between you and your partner is absolutely key. Next, a willingness to experiment with various positions helps lots; if you're like many of us you will find that certain positions bother your bladder more than others, and by trial and error you'll be able to find out which are which. Third, LOTS of extra lubrication helps reduce the awful urethral burn and other pain... my husband and I like one called Liquid Silk (you can get it at http://www.goodvibes.com or at http://www.drugstore.com in the Sexual Heath Department) but there are many others you can try.

A few other tips:
-- Try taking a Pyridium 30-60 minutes before sex; this can anesthetize your urinary tract a little bit and reduce pain afterwards. Also, sometimes a pain pill and/or a muscle relaxant of some kind before sex can make a huge difference.
-- Heat packs across your abdomen and ice packs between the legs afterwards can really help ease burning.
-- A hot bath before and/or after can relax things and reduce muscle tension and reduce urinary urgency.

[ICLori]

Hi, Tiffany, there have been some excellent suggestions here, and I hope they work for you. I have found that I need to have other forms of intimacy with my husband because it is too painful to have intercourse. I would be willing to bear the pain, but my husband isn't willing to have me hurt that bad. I have problems too with pelvic exams, they really hurt me bad.

Please don't feel like a failure or guilty if you find that you can't tolerate some positions or even intercourse at all. A few of us find it just causes too much pain, but that doesn't mean we are bad people or wimps - it just means maybe our IC symptoms are more severe, or our circumstances are different from those who can tolerate intercourse. It's not our fault if our disease limits us - it's the fault of the disease!

I hope you are able to find a way to be intimate that doesn't hurt, and I hope that you and your husband grow closer to each other as time goes on also.

Blessings, Lori

[Member has resigned]

OK, I am not an ic sufferer. But I have a question Redlione says it our job to get started...But what if your constantly told when you make even the slightest intimate reference that you are "pressuring". Even though she has good days and I can tell from her eyes that she is...I stay away. It does not have to be intercourse...I would be happy with any sort of intimacy if there was some?,. I suffer from chronic prostatitus and if not used can cause my own pain (prostate swells and get infected from being pushed against intestinal tract) so i often resort just to "being alone",. although it relieves the prostate pressure it does not solve the partner issue. Its not the pain always, she had a great week last week and we were not intimate once. Since the beginning of the year I think we have been intimate about 5-8 times? Is this normal??? I have to be honest sometimes I feel like excuses are made......because like I say she has had some very good days and we were not intimate once. She says she desires me...I am in good shape, I take care of myself...but oh well....Redlione your said it so now tell me how.....lol

[ICLori]

That's a frustrating position to be in, I understand how you must be feeling.

I wonder if she is afraid to try, even when she is feeling better, because it could bring the pain back?

It's so hard to talk about these things openly with our loved ones but I don't know of a better way than that to resolve things, unfortunately.

I wonder if she would be willing to do other things, that would still make you happy, but that would not cause her bladder pain? If so, would you feel content with these other methods, would you still be able to have a happy and satisfying marriage? Perhaps that would be a solution?

Blessings, Lori

[TiffanyK]

Frustrated - I'm like your wife I think. We haven't had intercourse since Memorial Day weekend. I just can't stand the thought of intimacy when I feel like I have to pee all the time! Even thinking about it makes me feel like I have to pee even more! And then there's the flare that almost inevitably follows. I wish it were easier to explain. My husband and I talk openly about it and it's still a sore spot in our marriage. It just really stinks.

To all, how can you make yourself want to be intimate when you feel like you have to pee all the time? The thought of messing around makes me think I'll wet myself...

[July]

Any one know which meds cause a decrease in sex drive? I though I read that Zoloft did. Not sure about Elmiron.

[Katrina]

for me....loving my husband and appreciating all he does for me.....and knowing how important it is to him, is the big factor that makes me want to try things......plus...it often has him showing me that he does appreciate me and since theese days there is so little I can do.....I really need him to show me he appreciates me and needs me. So I guess I don't have much of a sex drive....but I do have a desire for closeness and intamcy regardless. It isn't much....but trying things out that are successful help increase it.

[ChrissyH]

Sometimes it is hard to be intimate in any way because we are afraid that it will lead to intercourse which can lead to pain. Sometimes, just the worry and stress can cause pain. Try telling her that intercourse is off the table and become intimate in other ways. Knowing that things will not lead to intercourse may help her to relax and enjoy other things. Just make sure that when you tell her that intercourse is off the table, you don't try to change your mind in the middle of things.

[heybrej]

I know that i put off sex even when i am feeling well. this is because i am SO SCARED of the pain that it might lead to. its hard to understand im sure, but trust me, it is very hard to stand up, be brave, and let yourself be intimate, when in the back of your mind all you are thinking is "oh my God, please, i cant deal with that pain, i just cant"

[icpatient]

my dear frustrated0823......

I hope you read these replies and realize, I do want you and yes I do still find you desirable, but as I have shared with you before, I am soooo scared that making love with you will leave me in a major flare, as it has done so many times before.

When I am feeling better, I don't want to take any chances that would result in a flare. I love you sooo much! And I desire you terrible and I pray that some day I will have my ic under control so that we may make love as often as we desire.

Thank you for your understanding and patience through this. You have been everything anyone could ask for. Believe me I do realize how lucky I am to have you in my life.

Someday day soon......

with all my love,

icpatient

[Member has resigned]

Thats cheating....You need to come of the closet....and use your real screen name...so everyone can know the beautiful person in my life both in and out. Even if you still get mad at me for throwing the garlic stumps in disposal.

There must be a rule against using TWO screen names here....I am gonna tell the webmaster......lol

Oh by the way just causing your saying those sweet things in front of everyone here doesnt mean I am giving in on the new living room furniture....

PS I have tried to let her let me just pleasure her but she refuses, and I know she could and should have some release, she is not one to self medicate so to speak.

[Sarojini]

LOL :) :lmao:

I'm sorry, but this exchange between the two of you is just SOOOOO cute and sweet. Please don't think I'm laughing at you... I'm just happy to see this. :)

And also I get mad at my husband for putting garlic stumps in the disposer too because it gets really stinky ;) LOL!!!!!!

Also, perhaps "frustrated0823" is right, icpatient... have you tried letting him pleasure you, without any penetration, recently? How 'bout you start by taking a warm bath or shower together, and then he gives you a nice slow full body massage. Light candles, play relaxing music. Then he moves down to gently pleasure you slowly. Frustrated, make sure you use a LOT of water-based lube even for this simple act -- many of us ICers are sensitive even on the OUTSIDE and the lube helps a lot. At first, do NOT use any penetration of any kind. No fingers, no vibrators, etc. Just rub and caress the outside, ok?

Also, icpatient, just lay back and let Frustrated do his thing and ENJOY. If he does something that isn't your cup of tea, you can either tell him what you'd prefer, or guide his hand to where you'd like it better. But just enjoy -- at first, the goal should NOT be orgasm, ok?? It should just be relaxation and learning to enjoy each other's touch again.

I say this because I think that at first, ICpatient might be nervous about this sexual touching and it will be difficult to orgasm -- so if you put too much emphasis on orgasm, and then it doesn't happen, it will just lead to more frustration. So just be gentle, and loving, and soft. If it happens, GREAT :) but if it doesn't, well, there is always next time.

And if it even starts to hurt at all, just stop, and continue a different day. You want your intimate experiences to be associated with sweetness and pleasure, not pain!

And, also, icpatient... on some days, you can do the same for frustrated... just pleasure him with massage, rubbing, etc... but no penetration. If you get too tired in the middle, ask him to give you a hand -- I know my husband does not mind if I "watch" him finish himself off and it can be a very intimate thing too.

All I'm saying is, pretend you're kids and and are madly in love and are exploring each other again... if you think about it, IC has given ICpatient a new body, and you now have to explore it together as if you were together for the first time... it can be difficult, but it can be a rare opportunity to really discover each other tooo :)

Communicate, communicate, communicate... it will get better, I promise :)

[Member has resigned]

We are playing its nice not to take everything serious. ICpatient loosen it up luv....lol...I love her dearly but yes she just has to let me be intimate with her even if she is not in a reciprocating mood. From what I understand from ICPatient (and I hope she is not lying) During regular love making she experiences two to three good orgasisms (yes I am bowing.....lol thank you thank you) But this is over a course of an average of 45 minutes, which is not good sometimes. So.... There is nothing wrong with me pleasuring her alone orally and with light non penentrating stimulation. Since, this will help define the limits of her abilities as well as let me feel like she likes being intimate with me. She doesnt need to reciprocate unless she is up to it....but she is a "virgin" in this aspect of relearning love making while living with IC. So I believe this will help......For god sakes its not like I am asking another woman to join us....(hmmmm....jk :yikes: ). Anyhow if we all (IC suffers and partners) dont have some fun in one way or another it makes it far more miserable. And that my love means even goofing on each other here. Thanks everyone you all have been lots of fun and very kind and forthcoming.

Oh also its not that the stump "stinks" it just wont grind up and yes I dont close the cabinets while cooking......but I do put the toilet seat down.......lol,.

[RedLione]

He cooks????

[icpatient]

He cooks, he plays taxi for the kids and he takes care of me. :kissing:

He is everything I have always wanted and everything I didn't know I needed. Don't get me wrong, we have our problems...as many have read, but I love him deeply. I don't know what I would do without him. He is the most selfless person I have ever known. And sometimes that throws me....but I'm learning that he doesn't have alternative motives. He is my knight in shinning armor.....and no, I'm not just saying this to get the new furniture, frustrated :wink:

BUT.....I just can't seem to get him to close those cabinet doors :tsk: lol

And he isn't exaggerate.....2 to 3 everytime!!! :bow: Now do you see why I miss making love so bad! But he is right....I have a hard time receiving and not giving back. I want it to be something we both enjoy. I know he says he enjoys giving, but trust me......he doesn't get nearly as much enjoyment out of it as I do!!!!! :dance: And as far as me satisfying him orally.....he has stated that he can't come to a climax orally? I guess this is a time for us to relearn each other.

Frustrated is my answered prayer :pray: and I love him tremendously :kiss: :love:

[Member has resigned]

OK, I am blushing...because I thought Frustrated would never reply to what I said. LOL....She is a very wonderful person and I love doing what I do (not to say we dont get frustrated with each other). But she is too funny especially when she is hiding under her ICPatient handle, I am shocked and somewhat strangely enough aroused...j/k...!!!!,.

And ICPatient it is not that you dont do a wonderful job and that i dont thoroughly enjoy it but I just never have not that I wouldnt want to...i am not fast...lol

OK if this goes any further this discussion will need to be moved to one of those adult sites....lol

Hope you are all amused....

[icnmgrjill]

Redlione,

Oh, I wish that I can copied a post that I put up yesterday that told the story of a couple who came to our group having a big fight. Turned it was all about how they each expected each other to read their minds. The wife cried "He doesn't love me... he won't even touch me." The husband said "I love you so much, I don't want to hurt you... so I'm afraid to touch you." It was an epiphany for them both... and for all of us there.

It's important to remember that neither one of you can read each others minds. Why not give each other permission to say "I'd like a hug now" or "I'd like to try having some gentle sex." Better yet, work out some neutral signals that will help you both figure out how you're feeling that day. It takes it away from "guessing" and "wondering." You both deserve the hugs that you're afraid of giving, especially when either one of you isn't feeling your best.

Remember, a hug won't hurt either one of you. A kiss or two won't either. Don't be afraid... just ask... and, better yet, tell her when you need a hug too.

Jill :)

I'd be happy to talk with both of you by phone if you think that would help.

Jill :)

[work it]

Jill you have woke me up, that is so true that we can not read each others mind and hugging and kissing is so warm that I think sometimes the hugging and kissing gets by passed. I am going to "flirt" a little because that it harmless fun that won't hurt me in the end.