I Just had A Tubal Ligation

[tialia]

Everything is just a mess. I am feeling angry and resentful and sad. I've always known that I don't want to have children. In my 20's, my Gyno wouldn't do a Tubal Ligation because he said I would change my mind. I didn't and in my 30's I tried again and my (different) Gyno said the same thing. Since sex usually hurt anyway (and I wasn't having much of it), I let it go. Then, when I was diagnosed with IC, I thought "okay I can deal with this. At lest they found out what is wrong and it's not all in my head like they've been telling me for the past 10 years" I would just do the treatments and my sex problems will be over.

So, now that I had some hope of having a healthy, normal sex life, I had my tubes tied. Later that same day I was in so much pain that I was rushed to the hospital and had an emergency Laporotomy. Now I have a scar down my belly. I'm resentful that I had to/chose to go to these extremes to ensure I won't get pregnnant-because a guy won't get a vasactomy or because I have such a bad reaction to birth control pills. If I had my tubes tied 20 years ago, maybe there wouldn't have been complications. And I would, at least, have had a chance of having a healthy relationships. Who knows? I might have even gotten married. Instead I'm alone.

I'm mad that the doctors thought they know better than me and wouldn't give me a tubal when I wanted one. It's my body!

It doesn't look like sex is going to get any easier, even with the bladder instillations. And I don''t orgasm through intercourse anyway (which, I read is common for 60% of woman). So, why even have sex? A guy wouldn't be so unselfish--having an operation so he could do something that won't even result in him having an orgasm, just to please his mate.

:( :( :( What have I done? I'm sad and I don't have any friends and who can you talk to about this stuff anyway. I've never had a fun care-free relationship where we could just have sex or even get kiss without me thinking "what's the use? This might lead to something and sooner or later I'll have to say "IT HURTS." So, I stopped dating altogether.

I shouldn't have had my tubes tied because it went bad and I....can't stop crying.........

[vm]

{{{tialia}}} I'm so sorry and I wish there was something I could say. :(

Can you not orgasm b/c of the surgery or could you not before anyway? Thank goodness I read once in Cosmo or some such magazine, that many women can orgasm if they self stimulate during intercourse. It makes a HUGE difference for me - in that I orgasm 95% of the time. So, if the problem isn't your surgery - you might try that at some point - when you're feeling up to intercourse again.

Lots of hugs, hon. :kissing:

[tialia]

Thank you for replying. The first time I posted, no one replied and I was worried that might happen this time. I think because it was about sex. I'm thankful that I can post here because this is stuff I have never even said out loud before.

I can orgasm through direct stimulation. Just not through intercourse-only. I feel like I went through 2 surgeries for nothing. Who's going to want me now. I have a scar, that calls attention to my big belly, and what guy is going to put up with the IC stuff that I deal with. It's hard enough finding a mate/companion under the best of circumstances.

Therese

[virtuallyayla]

I am so sorry. That sounds like an incredibly painful experience in every way. I find myself wanting to spout all sorts of feminist rants about how difficult it is for a woman in this culture to really value her body and have it be valued by others, and all sorts of empowerment speeches about the beauty of imperfection...but I know that when you're in the midst of this sort of suffering all that stuff is of no practical use in the soothing and comforting of pain.
I encourage you to keep posting, and if the chance comes by, talking to people about all this if it helps you feel better to do so.

-Ayla

[jaime15]

(((Therese)))
I feel for you....oh gosh......surgery of any kind is painful, when you end back up in the er, I know you just wanted to smack something.

I had a tubal ligation in '02. And had my gall bladder removed at the same time.
The tubal went fine but when I did my follow-up with the surgeon, he informed me there were gall stones left behind.. :rolleyes:
I'm thinking WHY didn't you get everything when I was under? Now two years later it's about time to get those suckers out of there....I'm starting to have more and more attacks, just like my gall bladder is still there. :rolleyes:
This time they will have to put me under and go down my throat....yuck! Needless to say, I've been putting this procedure off long enough..
You know, about the scars and stuff.......I try not to worry about it. We as humans generally critique everything we find wrong with ourselves. Most times our partners didn't notice til it was brought to their attentions.
You know, with my tubal, my gyn didn't want to do mine either. AND it was a matter of life or death for me. I calmly told her that my heart doctor plainly said if I were to get pregnant, I'd die......simple as that. So she gave in. I was 26.
I hope you start to feel better soon........and I'm sorry you never got answers on another subject. Big fluffy hugs to you......

[SharonA]

I had a TL 30 years ago. The doctor really didn't want to do it because I might want to have another baby. The one I had nearly didn't make it and I was told that I should not try to have another one. I am not built right inside and would never be able to carry a baby full term. It was my decision and I was the one paying the bills. I can not believe they are still pulling that guilt thing. I think we are the ones to make those kinds of decisions without the medical field trying to lay all that guilt and self doubt on us. It's a hard enough decision without them adding to it.

Honey, I hope you begin to feel better. Don't let the magazine controlled idea of beauty get to you. I was 31, the mother of a 10 year old boy, sterile, and full of stretch mark scars when I met my husband. He is 7 years younger than me and was the most handsome man I had ever met...he still is after 24 years of marriage.

[kelly McC]

I am so sorry ((((((huggs)))) wish I could say or do something to help you feel better!!!
Many huggs and prayers,
Kelly

[Sarojini]

I wish there was something I could do for you ... I'm going to send you lots of hugs :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

I know these cyberhugs won't heal you, but I just want to let you know I really feel for you!

Please... take some time and heal from this traumatic experience. Take all the time you need. THEN, when you feel you can and would like to be intimate with someone again, here's a bit of advice from me:

I think Kim's post is right on ... why not try to stimulate yourself during intercourse? I do it and it does help me reach orgasm while my husband is inside. Either that or I ask him to touch my clitoris while he's inside. He also uses a vibrator on me sometimes and that's nice too. Basically, you need to do whatever it takes to make it pleasureable for you -- and if that means touching yourself while doing the deed, then go for it! I think the most valuable lesson I learned about sex is that I have to take responsibility for my own orgasm. That means either taking an active role during sex or explaining honestly to my partner what I need. THERE IS NO SHAME IN DOING EITHER OF THESE.

Sometimes that's all we do, too ... if I feel that actual intercourse is going to hurt too much that particular day, we often just touch each other and/or use the vibrator, no penetration whatsoever.

It helps to have an understanding partner, to take things slowly, to communicate, and to use lots and lots of lube.

AGain, I am SO sorry for all you've been through... my heart goes out to you...

[JudyS]

Therese,

I know you feel about just wanting to give up on men altogether....I've definitely been there!! I started having symptoms of IC after I had my first son and sex went from being extremely pleasurable to extremely uncomfortable at best and excruciating at worst. My first husband didn't like the change and we ended up divorced a year later. :(

I met my second husband several years later...I was a 28-yr-old single mom with IC (not yet diagnosed) and he was a 21-yr-old senior in college. Sex was never a pressing issue while we were dating, and he was very understand about my pain issues. Fortunately for me, he was a virgin when I met him, so our sexual experiences are it for him. He waited more than 21 years to have sex for the first time, so he's pretty patient with me. One year, we had sex (if you could call it that) only one time.

Now that I ride my motorcycle, I find that I am much more able to handle sexual activity after a ride, so we plan around that. If I'm not in the mood, though, he doesn't push. We've been married for 11 years now and he's still just as committed to our relationship as he ever was, in spite of the problems I have.

I tell you this simply to show you that there is hope out there and don't give up on finding someone who will care about you enough to just want to be with you. Hang in there, baby and love will find you eventually! :grouphug:

[RedLione]

You just have to find the right man. I've finally met someone I'm so comfortable with, he coaxes me to open up and really enjoy myself. We've experimented to find what works for us and doesn't cause any pain for me. I never thought I could be so relaxed with a man. And he's very supportive on my "drained" days. He loves me more than he cares about my being ill. It's great to finally feel like you can let your guard down and someone cares enough to help you take care of your life. Don't give up!

[poetgirl]

I am so sorry you went through such a traumatic experience. Our culture places a lot of emphasis on the desire and ability to have children, which isn't there for some people. You are fortunate to have at least known yourself well enough and what you wanted, which many people do not do. Women should be allowed to make any decision they want for their bodies, but I guess from the doctor's perspective, they don't want to tie your tubes only to have you sue them years later if you suddenly changed your mind, wanted to conceive and couldn't. They can't just go under the assumption that what you tell them in your 20s is how you'll still feel in your 40s. I know hearing that doesn't diminish your frustration, but you are the exception, not the rule. For a long time, I was ambivalent about having children, but now in my mid-30s, that feeling has changed.

Still, it is possible had your doctor listened to you and honored your decision back then, perhaps things would have been different. I really believe that if someone goes to a doctor with that request, the doctor should not dismiss her outright. At the very least, the doctor should schedule her with an appointment with a therapist, to rule out possible ambivalence and to also help her understand what the consequences of that decision will be. To me, that's a more responsible and caring response from a medical professional than just saying no. The "no" really protects them, not you. I do hope you feel better soon; recuperating from major surgery takes a long time to heal.

By the way, I don't usually climax with intercourse. For me, it's not a problem, at least not in my current relationship. Usually my boyfriend will take care of that during foreplay and then we continue from there, and I'm always happy about it, because I feel like he really cares about making me feel good. It makes me feel close to him. And he will never do anything if he thinks it will cause me pain, or he will stop/slow down if he senses I'm in discomfort and not saying anything. He loves me with IC and I know he would love me even if I had a huge scar down my belly. He'd probably kiss it and still tell me I was beautiful. So don't worry -- there is someone out there for you who will love you with all of that too. :) Just let your body heal and take it from there.

[tialia]

You have all been so helpful to me. :woohoo:

I've printed each response and I read them everyday. I have come to the conclusion (or decision) that I'm angry at my doctor for not keeping me 'in the loop' as t what was going on. The chances of winning a lawsuit is only 5% and I don't have the energy for that. Instead, I'm going to lodge a complaint to the Medical Board and change Dr.s. Now I can put this behind me.

I wouldn't have been able to with the support of all of you. Thank You so much for relaying your opinions and stories. :bow:

Therese