icnmgrjill
07-09-2004, 02:21 PM
I have to say that Frannie Rose is a welcome source of hope, encouragement and calmness in the IC community. I just love her new column on our site. It's sooo good.
Dear Frannie,
My husband is so sick of hearing that I hurt. What can I do? I have even had my doctor to talk to him. He explained to him I have a chronic illness and how it effects my life, but still my husband says it's all about me. I don't do the things I used to do. I don't spend time with the children. I am always having to take my pain pills. I'm at my wits end in trying to explain myself. Help me please!
Sometimes we forget how difficult it is for our caregivers. Their job is equally as challenging as ours. Yes, they can walk away from our pain and we cannot. This is the major difference. However, we are there in their thoughts and lives at times every day, reminding them of their own vulnerabilities. Often we forget their side of things when we are living through chronic pain and illness ourselves. Please keep in mind the flip side of thinking regarding your spouse. It is quite a compliment that your husband still sees you in the same light as the same person. Don't take this necessarily as a bad thing; take it as the compliment that it is.
However, it is not realistic to ask you to pretend you are the same person you have always been. You are forever changed by this chronic illness. And realizing that, it is hard enough for you to find the new you with all the uncertainty that you deal with on a day to day basis and then to have to change back into the person that he married. Try the following:
1. Communication with your spouse: Have a sit down discussion with your spouse, listing the things that you feel you can no longer do. Tell your spouse that you love him and appreciate all he has done for you so far. Tell your spouse that you want to work together with him on a solution. This is sharing the control. Explain that you understand it is hard on him, and ask him what he might need from you to make it easier.
2. Communication with your children: Have a discussion with your children if they are old enough, about your illness. Tell them what it feels like to be you (without scaring them unnecessarily) and how you are trying hard to get well. Tell them that you want to be there for them. Be there to answer their questions about your illness and tell them you will be honest with them about when you need their help.
3. Communication with a professional: If talking with your spouse is not successful, find the name of a counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist who you can go to see to work on your adjustment issues to chronic illness. I am a strong believer in seeing professionals who are more likely to be aware of your medications, and what your illness truly is. This person will likely become an advocate. The long-term goal is to get your spouse into your appointments with you to discuss adjustment issues. Here your spouse will have the opportunity to air his or her feelings about the situation and you will have the opportunity to listen, hear and feel what he or she is feeling. Over time, working together, you will likely find a comfortable place in your relationship.
There are more! Read them now at: http://www.ic-network.com/frannie/
Dear Frannie,
My husband is so sick of hearing that I hurt. What can I do? I have even had my doctor to talk to him. He explained to him I have a chronic illness and how it effects my life, but still my husband says it's all about me. I don't do the things I used to do. I don't spend time with the children. I am always having to take my pain pills. I'm at my wits end in trying to explain myself. Help me please!
Sometimes we forget how difficult it is for our caregivers. Their job is equally as challenging as ours. Yes, they can walk away from our pain and we cannot. This is the major difference. However, we are there in their thoughts and lives at times every day, reminding them of their own vulnerabilities. Often we forget their side of things when we are living through chronic pain and illness ourselves. Please keep in mind the flip side of thinking regarding your spouse. It is quite a compliment that your husband still sees you in the same light as the same person. Don't take this necessarily as a bad thing; take it as the compliment that it is.
However, it is not realistic to ask you to pretend you are the same person you have always been. You are forever changed by this chronic illness. And realizing that, it is hard enough for you to find the new you with all the uncertainty that you deal with on a day to day basis and then to have to change back into the person that he married. Try the following:
1. Communication with your spouse: Have a sit down discussion with your spouse, listing the things that you feel you can no longer do. Tell your spouse that you love him and appreciate all he has done for you so far. Tell your spouse that you want to work together with him on a solution. This is sharing the control. Explain that you understand it is hard on him, and ask him what he might need from you to make it easier.
2. Communication with your children: Have a discussion with your children if they are old enough, about your illness. Tell them what it feels like to be you (without scaring them unnecessarily) and how you are trying hard to get well. Tell them that you want to be there for them. Be there to answer their questions about your illness and tell them you will be honest with them about when you need their help.
3. Communication with a professional: If talking with your spouse is not successful, find the name of a counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist who you can go to see to work on your adjustment issues to chronic illness. I am a strong believer in seeing professionals who are more likely to be aware of your medications, and what your illness truly is. This person will likely become an advocate. The long-term goal is to get your spouse into your appointments with you to discuss adjustment issues. Here your spouse will have the opportunity to air his or her feelings about the situation and you will have the opportunity to listen, hear and feel what he or she is feeling. Over time, working together, you will likely find a comfortable place in your relationship.
There are more! Read them now at: http://www.ic-network.com/frannie/