relationship in deep trouble

[peachycajun]

I hate to complain.....it seems like that's all I have been doing lately. I hate it when people ask me how I am doing! I hate the answer! So, I have begun answering with, "I'm doing fine...thank you for asking." All along crying behind closed doors.

Well, my fiance knew my answers were just standard answers. So, he asked me to honest with him. And that's where the problems really started!

I'll try to make this short as possible. I am a single mother from Louisiana, was born and raised there and lived most of my life there. All my relatives are there. About 2 years ago, I moved to New Jersey. Boy was I in for a shock! I had a roommate along with my daughter, who is 13 now. Things weren't great, but neither were they bad. I meet my fiance and after dating for awhile, moved in with him. Well, last August I started with the symptoms of IC...of course you all know the story, probable lived it. They missed diagnosed me untill this past March. Which is rather short from what I have read from others on here. My fiance always went to the doctor with me and was always very supportive. But I guess his patience has worn out! He hates the fact that I come to this message board and tells me that misery loves company and that's the only reason I come here. I try to explain to him that it's nice to know that I'm not alone, to hear how others got over their IC, all the new ideas and treatments out there and just to beable to talk with people who REALLY know what I'm going through.

Well, last night I decided to go to the chat room for IC for the first time and he blew up! He said that I'm dwelling on my IC and that I just need to get over it and deal with it on my own. And then he began to tell me how the last year has been so terrible living with me. I understand I was a completly different person when we first met....but this isn't my fault. I am sooooo lost right now. I feel so alone. And the only time I get a chance to come here is when I'm at work.

Sorry this has been so long but I had to get it off my chest....I am so scared as to what the future might hold.

I just want to say thanks to everyone out there that helps me feel less alone.

danielle:(

[SharonA]

Bless your heart, hon. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope he comes to realize that you have a disease and that you come here to learn all you can about it to help yourself find treatments that will allow you to get back to a somewhat normal life. Chronic pain diseases are difficult for some people to understand because pain is felt...not seen and we don't "just get over it".

:grouphug: and :kissing:

[plaedes]

I don't honestly know what to say that could possibly make you feel any better. The only suggestion I have is to maybe clip out some of the most helpful threads or messages that you have read ....just over the next couple of days... and then sit down with him and have him read them. tell him why you found them helpful. what information you gleened form that message that you might be able to apply to your own situation. it might help him understand your side a little better. also make him aware that there is a section on this site dedicated to family members of IC patients. when i was first diagnosed and for the first year my relationship with my husband suffered severely. i thought we might end up divorced over it. the sex thing was a problem, but i never realized just how much my not talking to him about things was hurting us. i always figured he didn't want to hear about it. wouldn't be interested. he still isn't as interested in new developments as other ICers, but he cares about my health. since i started being more forthcoming with him about what i'm going through, he has been much more supportive. he is finally starting to understand somewhat and not resent me anymore. sex has also gotten better since i've made myself talk to him more openly about what's good and what isn't. your fiance' could just feel like you are leaving him out of the loop. your telling things to strangers you haven't told him and he doesn't appreciate it. i don't know the whole situation...obviously, but i hope something i've said can help you in some way. take care and i hope things get back on track for you.
~KeLLeY~

[sleepyangel30]

My husband is somewhat the same way. He goes there you go going to that site and reading that stuff and then I tell him to shut up and he leave me alone lol. He think I'm dwelling on IC since I come here, But I don't. There is life with IC and there is hope out there. I believe we all will fight this battle some day. I hope things will get better with you and your boyfriend.

[Marlana]

My husband unhooked my internet from home so I would not go to the site. I have to say, somedays, I am glad he did it. I am waiting on official dx and then we will have our heart to heart.

[Sarojini]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. It's always SO difficult when people you love are unable to support you. :grouphug:

I think you got some good advice about perhaps sharing some helpful and positive information from this site with your fiance. He needs to see you come here for comfort, support, and educational purposes, which is an extremely healthy thing to do.

Also, perhaps you could limit the time you spend reading this site when your fiance is home with you. You could cut a deal... if he shuts up about it, you will only come to this site 30-60 minutes a day, or every other day, or something like that. The rest of the time you're home together, you will spend with him. He may be feeling left out of your life now,as someone else pointed out. And plus, a life outside of this place and outside of IC is definitely a VERY important thing to maintain! :)

[tigger_gal]

Dani
first off (((((((((((HUGS))))))))) and :kiss: I hear you loud and clear. I too had the same problem..... so I got to the point I would not come here when he was home ...... Finally after going to the doctors with me and having to resort to interstim therapy he actually realized this was my source of support... I still don't get on her very much when he is home... just to keep peace...

:kiss:
Brat

[peachycajun]

The time on the computer at home isn't the problem....last night was the 1st time I came to the site from home! I'm NEVER on the computer at home. I'm on all day at work, so I never want to be on the computer at home. I just thought I would go to the chat room that was open last night and see how it was. he only hears about me coming here from what I tell him. Anytime I have new information, he makes a comment.

I would hate to start shutting him out just so I don't have to listen to him. But the real issue is, if he is sick of this after only a year....what does he expect the rest of our lives to be? This is a chronic disease that has no cure...treatments, but no cure. From my understanding it is something I will have to deal with forever...rather it's good days or bad days....it's still there!

Thanks so much for yall's responses....THIS IS WHY I COME HERE!!!!

danielle

[ICNDonna]

I wish I had some real solutions for you. I just hope you are finding that the support and information here is helpful.

Sending warm healing thoughts,
Donna

[Dixiefireball]

i'm so sorry you are going threw this I wish i could had been in the chat room with you last night i'm having home problems my self and im sick was in the er yesterday and they wanted to put me in the hosp.
normally i try to be in chat room when its open i love to be there with all my friends and new friends too.
if you ever feel you need to talk please pm me and i will give you my email address.
Oh if you have yahoo my yahoo id is sassynsweet026.
wishing you well
Rhonda:kiss:

Men can't live with them, but can't live without them!

[Marlana]

Rhonda
Did they find the uti you thought you had? I hope you were treated better than the 1st time.

[jen_dahling]

Hi Danielle,
Sorry about your situation! I was just thinking of my hubby while reading your post. Sometimes my hubby will act like that when he responds to something that he has no control over. I have to talk and talk, sometimes argue, and keep after him to get to what's "really" bothering him. Sometimes I have to do all of that to get him to realize how and why he feels what he does. Once he can put words to how he feels, he can let go of it. My point is that some men have a hard time putting a finger on the inner emotions. It is easy for them to say "well, if YOU would just.....". Ya know, stop going to the website, stop being so consumed, stop this and that. There seems to be a trigger that will set them off. Your boyfriend may just be having a hard time dealing with how he feels about you having this illness. Maybe his reaction was a way of telling you that he needs you to help him understand this better. What are his fears, concerns, and long-term outlooks about IC? CAN he deal with it? As much as we get caught up in IC, we have to realize in those times of stress that it is happening to them sometimes, too.
I wish that my hubby was the perfect supporter, but he isn't. It is hard for him to understand that treating me as I wish instead of what HE deems necessary is all that I need to feel supported. It leaves me feeling insecure about the future, ya know? It is always something that I think is worth the time to figure out. But when he "gets it", he gets it.
Hang in there. The heat of the moment may leave you feeling alone and unsupported, but he'll come around. He just might need a little more time on finding the best way to do it.
Anyway, I think I might be rambeling..........sorry.
Hope you feel better.
Jen
:hi:

[crystilclear]

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. My hubby didn't understand at first why I think it is important to talk to you all too. He is very supportive though but is just jealous when I spend too much time in the evening on here when I could be spending my time togther with him. He's understanding now because he can support me and I appriaciate that but you all can sympathize with me. You all know how I really feel and it is comforting to know that this site is here and all the wonderful people are here too! Like someone else suggested maybe there is an underlying concern that he can't communicate to you properly and that is making him frusterated? It has been hard on my hubby learning to deal with a the changes in me. I hope that in time he will understand and be supportive. We are all here for you when you need to talk. Take care - Chris

[Jen_Cole]

Maybe a more 'scientific' approach would work on him-since he thinks this place is a pity-party for us. Like, any types of articles written by doctors or other websites that have mossstly facts. Then you are appealing to his sense of logic-not his emotions. Know what I mean?

[Christine35]

Dear Danielle,

That just made me angry! I know exactly how you feel. I have only mentioned discomfort in the past to my X boyfriends about my bladder issues (not even telling them the details) and they acted as if it was no big deal or questioned whether they could catch it from me!! Needless to say I am not with them anymore!! For a long time I did not tell anyone. I am very fortunate now to be with someone who is trying to help me get better!! He is very much into fitness and health. He is on a mission to find a natural way to relieve my symptoms.

Maybe your fiance is feeling frustrated at this point. Seeing you in such discomfort I am sure makes him feel badly for you. Has he ever read any of the conversations that take place on this site? We are here to try to help one another. Who knows more about this disease than us? I have learned so much from this site. Much more than my doctor could ever tell me. (He's too busy rushing me out of the room to get ready for his next patient.)

I would suggest letting him read some threads. Then maybe he will understand why this is so important to us. Good luck.:)

[peachycajun]

I am going to print out some of the conversations from here and let him read them tonight. I will be sure to let yall know how it goes.

I have just found out about a support group about 20min. from where I live and they are meeting tomorrow night. I'm really excited. :thumbsup: I just hope he can deal with me going. Regardless.....I'm going!:toosh:

Yall have really made me feel sooooo much better. I'm going to talk to him and try to work this out....but I have to put my daughter and my health first......this is going to be a good time to do some serious talking and thinking about what the future will hold.

thank yall again!:love:


danielle

[ICNDonna]

It sounds like you are in control of yourself and I know you will make the right decisions. Just remember that we are here for you any time you need us.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[VickiB]

This is going to come off sexist, but reading your post a few thoughts came to mind.

It seems to me many men have an attitude that if you have a problem, fix it! Do something! Don't 'talk' about it! -And if there's nothing you can do to fix it, deal with that fact and move on! They see absolutely no point in talking about something if that talking won't directly lead to a solution. This behavior confuses them.

In my experience, men seem to not talk about their feelings. -Maybe to their wife or lover (and even that is sometimes like pulling teeth), but they seem to refrain from talking to others about feelings. And certainly not to strangers! The fact that women do this seems to make no sense to them. Some act like it's some form of betrayal. Some get jealous.

Men like to "fix" things. And in this situation, they can't. They often don't understand the 'just being there' thing. I think not being able to fix this, makes them feel a bit helpless. They don't like to feel that way and sometimes behave poorly.

In some way, perhaps your guy is feeling misplaced, helpless, and just needs to know where he fits in to your life now.

Well, now that I've thrown out a bunch of stereotypical, sexist remarks, all I can say is,...Okay guys & gals,...let me have it!

Vicki

[Sarojini]

VickiB, I agree with you :) Sexist or not, it is true...men are the "fixers."

What I don't get is how they want to fix everything to do with US immediately, but if the garbage disposal is broken, it stays that way until ultimatums are given ;)

However, I am going to soften this a little, because I have to admit that there are times where my husband's desire to fix my problems is extremely comforting. When hubby and I were dating, for instance, I had a legal issue I was battling, and he was just SO good at taking control of it, helping me... the issue was settled about three times faster once he decided to fix it for me :) He just took action, and I had been blathering around second-guessing what to do. It was nice. It made me feel taken care of :)

SOOOOO.. men and their incessant "fixing" is a many-faceted thing...

[VickiB]

Most definitely, Jen. My guy is pretty good at that sort of thing, too, and I wouldn't trade him for all the world. But I do know when it comes to something like IC, which as of yet can't be "fixed", he's at a loss as to what he should do. Even though obviously I don't expect him to fix it, I can tell he still wants to DO something! At times I wonder if he's thinking that I'm thinking he should be able to do something? (does that even make sense?)

Vicki

[peachycajun]

just thought I would give yall an update on my situation at home since all yall were sooooo helpfull!

I talked to my fiance' and at first it didn't help....but Tuesday I went into a major flare! I ended up at the hospital and we didn't get home till 4:00 this morning. Well, today we had a long talk and it was pretty much a combination of what everyone here was saying. He is having trouble dealing with the fact that he can't fix this for me. I explained that I didn't expect him to fix it....just be there for me. Also, he felt like I was sharing with everyone here things I wouldn't share with him. Anyway, long story short....we are working things out. I know it wont change overnight, but a door has been open for us to be able to talk about it.

Thanks again for everyone's input!

danielle

[VickiB]

Danielle, I'm so happy for you! Sometimes I think it's almost as hard for the person who isn't the affected one to deal with an illness!

Anyway, now that it's opened, keep your foot in that there door!

Vicki

[Christine35]

Danielle,

That is wonderful news!! (Not that you were in the hospital:( ) I happy to hear you talked things over.

Good luck!!:thumbsup:

[Iris]

Danielle, really happy for you, now the conversation has opened up, for both of you. I think it is hard for a guy to feel he cannot help, when he sees the person he cares about going through so much. I am happy now like one of the gals said, the door is opened, for both of you,hugs Iris.:grouphug: :flower:

[lotsofgirls]

Hi,
just a thought. Can you do some chronic pain counselling together so that he can talk about how he feels this has affected his life, and he can get a better handle on what its like to live with a chronic pain condition. I am a patient at the chronic pain center here and we do alot of work on communication and understanding how pain impacts our lives and the lives of our loved ones.
He may miss you, and be jealous of the time you are spending on the site, sometimes men communicate ass backwards (no offense to the male members of our site, you guys are superior communicators ;) )

Cath

[mayray518]

I dated men that could have cared less and I got rid of them. If someone wont understand what we went through I dont want him in my life. I would certainly be understanding if a man had "prostate" problems, etc. Id rather be alone that have someone tell me I could not get on a site like this one.

[PikkuMyy]

Hi Danielle,

I'm so glad to hear that you are beginning to talk about it. I just wanted to say that my situation was very similar to "Plaedes" (kelley) situation. Being honest and talking about everything you are going through is extremely important. My husband never felt jealous or left out by my using this site, but he did feel confused and alienated because I didn't talk to him openly about everything that was going on with me physically, and emotionally. Once we began to talk openly about it, everything changed - I got to know myself better, him better, our relationship better, our sex life got better, our emotional life got better, etc. I know I had a tendency to try to keep things to myself when I was really feeling bad, etc. and I think I made him feel as if I didn't want to share with him, didn't like him that much, etc. In general, I really shut him out - unintentionally.

PLease keep us posted as to how it's going. Have him come and look at the website with you - explain why you are looking at certain postings, etc. I think that might help!

Hugs,
Emily

[IBNPAIN]

Please excuse me for being blunt, but as for your fiance:toilet:

If he is giving you this much crap and you aren't even married yet then you could be setting yourself up for a long road ahead.

There is no cure for IC, as of yet. Yes, it can be treated and sometimes it can be managed, but it is always lying in wait, ready to jump and attack at any unseen moment. I know, I have dealt with it for a decade and it can get better and it does come back.

I don't want to scare you, but stress is a major trigger for me when it comes to IC and a man who isn't giving you the proper support or who is telling you that you don't need to look to these boards for support isn't going to be a whole lot of help in the future when you are dealing with a flare that crosses your eyes. Oh and you are also going to have the sex factor to add into that. Sex and IC can be very painful and sex can also bring on a flare from hell. How is he going to handle you telling him "not tonight honey, I'm in a flare?"

My husband is stuck with me, but I bet he wishes he wasn't. I have been married for 24 years, the first 14 weren't wonderfully bliss, but compared to the after IC years they sure seem to be.
He also said that I am worse off for looking at these boards, but I know that's just not true. I have learned a lot from these people and have gotten more support from them than my husband has ever given me.

Sit your fiance down with some proper IC reading material. Take him to the IC Stories page and let him read some of them or take him to the "Just Venting" forum and let him see how many of us have IC that is "just in our heads".

If he doesn't get it then, then I'm afraid he is never going to get it and you are going to be fighting an uphill battle for the rest of your life. Reach out to him and make him understand your pain.

You have to do it. You really just have to do it.

Carol

[mayray518]

I agree with IBN. Unfortunately, IC is baggage that comes with us. We did nothing (that we know of) to get this disease. If someone is not understanding about it then I would find someone who was or be alone. I have met many men who did not understand it, didnt want to or made rude remarks and they are history. Understanding and compassion in a male are important traits to me and if they dont "get it" they are history.

[peachycajun]

I agree with everything I have read here. In one way or another all the respones are correct on some level.

I did print some of the post here and let him read them. Then, which I just found out tonight, he came here and read them on his own. I do think he is really trying. But at the same time....he gets very aggravated. The sex thing he already understands. Sex has caused some major flares for me and has been very painful at times. I do have to give him credit for that. He never makes me fell bad about it, although I do anyway. But we have began talking and started finding other ways to be intimate.

When we ended up in the ER, he was VERY supportive. I know he loves me and would do anything for me. It's just hard for him to see me this way. Before IC, I was very active and loved doing things. But for the last year, my life has declined in a major way. I think it scares him. He has read Dr. Moldwin's book and he knows what may lay ahead. He has promised me he would always be there. I do love him and he is a good man.

Thank you all so much for your support. I think being able to talk with yall has helped our relationship in many ways. He just wants me to talk to him....in addition to the boards. I know if he isn't understanding....I have to leave. But at this point, he is trying and I do have to give him credit for that.

Thank you all again.....:kiss:

danielle

[IBNPAIN]

Hey,
Sorry if I was hard on your guy before. He sounds like he is trying. He may just come around and be the support you need. But don't give up on us. We are here to help, too. None of us are rookies when it comes to pain. We each have our ways of dealing with it and sometimes you can take these things you learn and use them to your advantage.

Good luck with everything and I hope your guy continues to support you.



Carol

[peachycajun]

no need to apologize Carol....in many ways you are right.

He is trying, but he still has plenty to work on. I guess it's good we aren't married yet. And I wont get married till I am 100% sure he can and will handle this and me.

And trust me, I wont give up on these boards. The people here have helped me beyond what any dr or other people have. Yall have given me the support, prayers and listening ears I couldn't have gotten else where.:kiss:

Thank you for caring and I will keep yall up to date.

danielle

[BLUEANGEL2]

I just sent you some PM hope you recieve the.

[plaedes]

i am really glad to hear that you guys are talking and starting to work through some of your problems. i totally agree with jen on the fact that men are fixers. my husband has taken a somewhat different approach to 'fixing' my problem though. he knows that there is no miracle pill or surgery that will fix me. he knows that sometimes i am in pain no matter what i do or don't eat, drink, etc. so he has taken it upon himself to use humor and laughter as treatment. and yes, sometimes it hurts just to laugh, but i wouldn't have any sanity to speak of if it were not for his efforts. sometimes i do feel consumed by my condition and start talking to him about things and it all just gets a little "too serious" sometimes. that's when he has to lighten the mood a little and help me see that when all else fails there will always be humor. i love him dearly for that. yeah, like any man he can be a bit of a jacka@* sometimes. i don't make him apologise for it either. because he has the right to tell me how he's feeling and what's on his mind. if he has to apologise for it all the time we would never get anywhere. i've been dealing with this and WE have been learning together how to cope for over two years now. we still hit rough patches. those moments where depression about it takes over and you say things you don't really mean. we have just learned enough about each other to know it will work itself out in time. my hope for you is that you and your fiance' find this place for yourselves. and no amount of forum threads, doctors opinions, or talking to anyone else is going to help you find it. it is emotionally draining and hard work. you just have to figure out if the relationship is worth the effort for yourself and then go after it like a cheetah after dinner:D also let him know that he is welcome here too. he might learn a lot by talking to other women and getting their take on IC. who knows, we might all be able to learn a lot from him as well if he is willing to open himself up and share his own thoughts and feelings. sometimes you think you know how your man feels, but you really don't. at any rate i am rambling now. i sincerly wish you the best of luck in finding your happy place with him.
~KeLLeY~