unable to live alone, so live with my parents

[kitshalleen]

hi everyone,
i know that there was a post about this a couple of years ago. anyway, i'm 36 and still living at home. i know that i'm very lucky to have a place to live, but i still feel sort of embarrassed. now my dad is starting to have some more serious health problems, so soon he'll need me too. i have no idea how i'll help take care of him, since i can't even take care of myself. anyway, it is less lonely to live with him, but i also feel sort of resentful, because originally this was supposed to be my place, and then my dad moved in when my parents divorced. i don't know. either way, i dont' know how to explain it to other people. my friends are married with kids, and i'm regressing. before i was sick i was really independent. now my parents drive me to all of my doc appointments. i am lucky for that, but it's sort of pathetic too. just wondering if anyone was in the same situation.
thanks,
kit

[Emily3wst]

Hi kit,

I hear you. I just moved back in with my parents (at the age of 29). And I doubt I will be leaving anytime soon. I quit my job when this all started getting bad because I was having trouble sleeping, and I thought that if I could just reduce my stress for a while that I would be able to get better and go back to work. But I am getting worse still, and it will be tough to go back to work, let alone make enough to live alone and be able to buy all the meds, the organic healthy groceries, the physio and message, etc. It is depressing. I was just beginning my career, and really independent as well. Right now, even though my parents are entering their 60s, they are much better off than I am. They can exercise, travel, sleep, work volunteer jobs, eat whatever, have sex, have a social life. My sister has Crohns and she is working a professional engineering job and travelling all the time. And i'm in bed all the time, sometimes a whole week goes by, or more, and I don't leave the house. I'm so grateful for the Internet.

I am grateful for my parents too. I'm grateful they saved for retirement and so can afford to help me out, that they care enough to help me out. They drive me to my appointments and go out of their way arranging their schedules so that we can take my Dad's car because it has softer seats and doesn't bother my bladder as much. My mom was a nurse before she retired, and I am grateful that she has good inclinations about what to do in new situations. Although she has no health problems, she doesn't eat anything with additives, so it is nice to eat with her because she understands how careful to be. She cooks me dinner every night, my own separate dishes without spices, and worries if I'm eating enough or not. I know I am too old for this, but there's nothing else I can do. Standing too long in the kitchen makes me worse. Shopping for groceries does too. It's hard to accept, and hard to explain to other people. After only a year of this I have grown closer to my friends that have health problems, and virtually haven't seen or talked to my friends that don't, unless they are older and have seen enough of life to understand how difficult it can be when you can't depend on your health. It doesn't help that I am very friendly and smile a lot in talking, because they assume that the pain, discomfort, and frustration can't be that bad. Plus they only see me on my "good days", and I tend to overexert myself when I do go out, so they have a distorted perception of what goes on the other 95% of the time.

When it comes to friends, I find it helps to explain the illness in as much detail as I feel they are comfortable with and try to find a point of reference with them. The other day driving my friend really really had to pee, and we were on the highway late at night and it took another hour to find a restroom. By the end she was expressing a lot of discomfort and vocally expressing pain when we went over bumps. I told her "this is how I feel most of the time, and the pain only increases after I go". At that moment I think she finally "got it" ... Eventually I find a point of reference with some people, and eventually some people even understand how strong willed and emotionally resilient we are for enduring what we endure ... only then I've found do they understand why I need to live with my parents right now. Telling people sex/arousal/orgasm is painful gives them an uncomfortable pity, I've found, so I tend to leave that part out unless I think they can handle it. I made the mistake of telling one of my male friends this and since then he has felt uncomfortable talking to me.

Sorry this is so long. I feel it is unfair that we suffer yet people look down on us even though every day is a struggle, and we live much harder and much less enjoyable lives.

[statesboro]

I will start by stating that I am 46 now. I actually live in an apartment above my parent's carport. That would be correct.(and built over 11 years ago for me) I have not worked in 20 months by now. My dad did have 4 back operations, but he still managed to teach math for 32 years. (although he is not in too good a shape right now)(and I have been denied disability twice by now) I have got degenerative disc disease and woke up with pain to where I could not stand up straight. Yep! My parents have been helpful to me. At least, my mother has been more so lately. (with dad suffering, too) I did stay in the hospital from June 15th until July 5th.(3 weeks) OK. My mother stayed at the hospital most of every day with dad staying some.(as they did spend every night in a motel) OK. I came home with a foot less of colon and a temporary ileostomy bag. Yep! (and had rectal prolapse surgery and then they had to redo ileostomy after being backed up and bloated so much) OK. I did spend 3 weeks sleeping in a bed in their house, but I am back upstairs once again. My mom can overdo sometimes.(and make me feel like a juvenile again)(as I try to tell her sometimes that I don't currently need help or that I would rather she did something else)(as a man that worked 15+ years at his last job and happens to be a Navy war veteran)Of course, she does have earing aids by now.(and must turn them down sometimes) I do need help every now and then, but she can still run circles around me. I can get tired by watching her try to do so much.(which I get tired easily) She won't admit she is tired sometimes. She does drive me to all of my out of town appointments.(like last Wednesday as we had to go back)(because I am in pain and because I may get tired out of the blue all of a sudden) (and good at napping) I can't help them out too much even though I am on the property now. I feel like an old dude right now.William Shatner is 81 and could still run circles around me. I do know the thread was about being an adult unable to live alone. OK. I stay alone upstairs with my 2 parakeets,and have my own bills, but I am gonna stay on my parent's propery with all the help that I really need every now and then.(and do drive around town if I feel up to going somewhere at all) (and walk with a cane often) OK. That will be all now.

[mary124]

Please don't feel bad about living at home. What with the economy and things are sky high its tough to go out on your own if you don't have another person to share expenses. My eldest son who is 28 and thankfully not sick has moved back in with us due to not being about to afford anything after rent, and gas, this is even with working 2 jobs. So he pays Mom some rent money every month (this also helps us out.)
My youngest is 23 and lives at home as well, I am thankful that he does lives with us as he has always helped me and his father to do things, (this is the one that I brag about (not that I don't about the other son) but when he was 14 I had to have emergency open heart surgery and he did everything from cooking, to cleaning, washing, etc. Both my sister and mom thinks that he will be living with us for awhile, as with my health and his fathers he might be the one taking care of us.

[ICNDonna]

I'm very thankful that my daughter lives with us. We live in the country and I'm still on cancer medications that don't allow me to drive --- plus she's doing the things I can't, like ironing and running the vacuum.

Donna

[Mothergoose]

It is only in modern times that we seem to have put some sort of stigma on older children living with their parents, before it was just common practice, and still is in some cultures that children just live with their parents till they marry.

I think it should be a 2 way street, if older children live at home they help out in some way, which in my mind doesn't have to be money.

I think older children should be able to live at home if they are sick and need help or if it is the other way around the parent is sick and the child is looking after the parent, there is a million different reasons for older children to live at home and if it works for the family that is all that should matter, not what anyone else thinks. You know the old saying people don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Basically it is none of there business.

My oldest lives with us, it is a good arrangement, she works lots so we hardly cross paths, we don't have to hire a house sitter or have some one come in to feed animals if we go away. But most of all I love having her there and still be part of her life.

My youngest is still in University, so it is something we can do to help him, he lives here when not in school, we feed him so he can work and save money to go to school, and I miss him terribly when he is at school. He goes to school too far away for us to see him much during the school year, last year we only saw him at xmas.

I am in truth really just not ready to not have my kids around and still be a big part of their lives.

My advice is just to ignore anybody who make comments about older children living with parents, if it works it works.

Statically there are more older children living at home now than since a very long time ago, I can't remember the date.

We should learn from the past, eat foods we can grow, live in one big healthy home everyone from each generation has something to offer and something they need.

Good Luck MG

[iccutie82]

Wow thank you for putting my situation in to words. I too live at home. I just turned 30. I feel like a failure at life. I can't work and never really got to have a career. Soon I am going to be totally reliant on my mother (my father passed). It is so hard to watch the people around me flourish. Friends are getting married, having kids, have awesome jobs, going on great vacations, and I am just stuck in this sickness. it is easy to say dont get caught up in the diseases and dont let it define you, but it is so much harder to do. i felt more independent when I was a teenager. Who knew at 16 years old my life would change so drastically? How do we keep on going? How do I not get discouraged? How do I learn to live again?