Protecting yourself in divorce

[ad8123]

I am thinking about divorcing my husband. His constant ctitisim and hurtfull coments about myself and the illness are wearing me out, so is keeping up the house we just bought. i am looking for a job now, but what can i do to ensure that I am protected? Is it legal to start seperate accounts and have them not touched by him. Oh, God forgive me, I feel divorce is wrong but I can not see myself ever recovering with him around. Anyone been through it, got any advise, encouragement etc.

From Florida

[Sarojini]

Hi there... I don't know much about divorce (never done it), but I can tell you that it is perfectly legal to open credit cards and bank accounts in your own name, and in your name only, even if you are married.

My husband and I have a joint checking account and a joint credit card account... we use these for food, bills, home improvement, etc. However, he and I ALSO have some completely separate stuff too... we each have maintained the separate checking accounts we had before we were married, and each of us has separate credit cards as well. I even cancelled one card and opened a new credit card in my name only after we were married, so I know for certain you can do it.

Anyway, what I do is have part of my paycheck deposited into the joint checking account for my share of the expenses, and the rest goes into my own checking account. Hubby does the same with his. That way, if I want to buy clothes or something, or if hubby wants to buy some kind of thing for the car or motorcycle, we use our own money for that stuff -- there is never any arguing about who spent how much of who's money on trivial things this way, because everything is spelled out in black and white.

So... anyway, you could start a separate accouint and begin saving for your own separate life should you decide to go through with the divorce.

[ICNDonna]

If you're serious about getting a divorce, your first step should be to consult an attorney. That way you will be protected.

You can open a bank account in your name only --- and it can't be touched by anyone else without a court order. I do think it's best if you discuss these things with your lawyer before you make any decisions.

Sending gentle hugs,
Donna

[ad8123]

Thank you, I am going to look into getting an attorney this weekend ( I am going away to my mothers for the weekend) and I know I need a job before I can do anything (with insurance). Can i still get medical insurance if I have IC (yikes never thought of that).

[ICNDonna]

If you get job with group coverage, you should be covered. If you're currently on your husband's coverage, you might be able to continue with that.

Donna

[dyno]

Divorce is tough and the laws are different in each state. Make sure this is what you want. If you aren't sure maybe a counseler could help the two of you through this tough time or if there is no hope, could help you. I do know that marital problems are common with chronic illnesses. Sometimes people can work through them others can't. I do wish you well and hope you can resolve this the way that you want without a lot of trouble. :kiss:

[tillysav]

I don't know your situation, but if you were diagnosed in October of '03, it hasn't been that long. It takes time to adjust to living with IC. I was diagnosed in December '03 and I'm still not used to all the changes it has made in my life. Maybe you and your husband just need a little more time. IC is tough and divorce is tough ... put the two of them together along with starting a new job ... sounds overwhelming! :shake: Maybe a counselor would be helpful or maybe your husband could go to a doctor appointment with you. My husband went to a doc appointment with me and it really helped him understand.

I hope all works out for the best. Good Luck.:grouphug:

If you are serious about divorce then a lawyer is the first person to consult.

[poetgirl]

I recently went through a divorce, and it's not something you want to do unless your situation is truly unbearable and you've exhausted all other options.

I would recommend seeing a counselor (first for yourself, and then see if your husband will join you) to try to work through some of your issues. Tillysav's point that maybe if your husband accompanies you to the doctor so the doctor can explain what IC is and how it affects your health may also be helpful.

Your husband may feel very threatened and alienated by your having this disease that wears you out, causes you pain and possibly affects your ability to be intimate sexually with him, etc. It's an adjustment for both of you, and frankly, most men are not conditioned to be empathetic they way women usually are; they're conditioned to "fix" problems and to hide their emotions. But, if you can work with him to understand and be more supportive, empathetic and helpful, you'll have the partner and ally you need on the really difficult days.

Good luck.

[rjyoon]

When I got divorced, I found that my local library had books that were helpful (hard to get, though, as they were often checked out). The part that's nice about them is that they had things specific to the state I lived in, instead of just general information.

[Teri]

dyno is right.....don't rush into anything. It took my husband years to accept that I was broken. He would yell at me all the time and tell me that he wasn't going to take care of my f 'n ass for the rest of his life. Or he wasn't going to put up with doing things on his own, he had a wife and he wanted her by his side....oops! God had other plans. Finally one day when he was ranging a raving I very calmy said let's do it. We will let a Judge decide what a fair settlement would be (and I know I"d make out good becaue I am only 53 on SS) so I wasn't too worried about that and I promised him that I was all done fighting with him. Well, a couple months after that I had an attack of pancreatis.....that's a trip NOBODY should have to take....they, a few months later, I had another one and that one was REALLY bad. We live in fear waiting for the next attack but seeing me that sick was really good for my husband because he finally realized that I DON"T have any control over what's going to happen to my body......is he perfect????? HELL NO!!!!!!! Is he a good man????HELL YES and I am so glad that we made it thru the rough stuff:D

Wishing you the VERY VEY BEST~

[ad8123]

Thank You everyone for all the encouragment and advise. I am not rushing into anything. I am primarly focused on getting back to work and getting benefits of my own. I have taken my husband to the Md he listens but doesn't hear. He is just really selfish and always tells me I am not sick I am lazy. well doorbell must run.

[sleepyangel30]

I agree with dyno. The both of you could seek a marriage counsler. My husband did not accept my illness at first until I start explaining to him what it was all about. I even showed pics to him what IC look like. I think this illness made our marriage much stronger than it was before.