Huge fight with my boyfriend and his family because of IC!

[LithEruiel]

So, I don't get along with my boyfriend's (ex-boyfriend's?) family. I had a really big problem with them a couple months ago and I won't get into that, but today was the first time I've been to a family thing with him since and it was really hard for me to do in the first place. Well, during the last problem I found out he told his parents that I have IC, which I was not happy about. I do tell people I have IC and explain what it is, but the point is for ME to tell them when and what I want to tell them. He knows that I get embarrassed/frustrated about how much I have to go to the bathroom and how many meds I take, and people telling me I'm too young for this at only age 26 (diagnosed at age 24). I probably NEVER would have told his parents I have IC because I'm uncomfortable with them and don't want to discuss my health issues with them. (Side note: my previous boyfriend told his mom I got chronic yeast infections back before I was diagnosed with IC...talk about embarrassing and was I mad!!!)

So anyway, we're at his family lunch thing and I'm starting to eat and his aunt randomly asks me if I take medication and what for my IC. Ok, first of all I didn't know his aunt even knew, so I was shocked. I told her, but my face must have been bright red as people started discussing it. I glared at my boyfriend and said "I hate you" and ate what was on my plate without speaking to him or anyone else, I didn't know what to do. After that, he went and put the game on and sat on the couch so I went out there and I was still upset. I'm the kind of person, that when I'm mad, I'm mad and if I feel like I'm going to cry, I cry...I can't hide it. So I start to cry and he starts feebly trying to comfort me and I say "It's your fault!!" And he says that he didn't tell his aunt and I said something about how he told his parents (who obviously felt the need to tell her). Then I head out the door, crying, to walk back to his house (nearby) and get my car. He starts following me and I tell him to leave me alone. THEN when I get back to his house his aunt is following us and first she "apologizes" and then yells at me for ruining their family thing. She's talking to me like I'm 6 years old and she's my mom. She said I should have said something to her if I was offended, but I said the problem wasn't with her (she didn't know), the problem was with my boyfriend who shouldn't have told anyone in the first place and I didn't want to be anywhere near him right now. So, anyway I drive home and this has got to be the end because I can't deal with his family and I can't ask him to choose me over his family.

I know I shouldn't be embarrassed about having IC and for the most part I'm not, outside of the frequency issue at certain times. I'm not embarrassed when I tell people, but I need to tell them, not anyone else! My mom is on my side and thinks his family is :loco: as well, but she said I did overreact, which I tend to do. But I don't need this stress in my life...I have school, work, my own family (which for the most part is great), my health...that's enough.

I just needed to get that out to people that might understand. Although I got mad at him, I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but I don't think there's anyway of fixing this because of his family! :help:

[Zygala87]

Ashley IC makes us all angry and flustered at times. I would just let it go. Time heals most things. They will all get over it. My Grandpa would say "the more one stirs the crap, the more it stinks." Maybe his family finally got a clue. You seem more upset about it then you should be. You are the one dealing with IC. Give yourself a break and act like all is normal if you must deal with them again. You are young and it's heartbreaking that you must deal with all this. I'm so sorry. Sending big hugs, Ziggy

[LithEruiel]

It wouldn't have been a big deal with most people, but I just really hate his family and this is the last straw!

[ICNDonna]

:grouphug: I do understand, especially if you already had a problem dealing with his family, and if you had already let your boy friend know you didn't want him telling anyone.

[LithEruiel]

Thanks Donna.

In other news I'm really flaring today. I was anyway the last couple days because I've been on a lot of antibiotics lately and they tend to mess things up, but the stress doesn't help I'm sure.

[jvr]

Hi Ashley,

Sorry all that happened:-( I do think it was inappropriate for his aunt to ask you what medications you take, etc. Unless you bring it up, it is none of her business to be inquiring. That's really tough because if you two were to get married, his family would be a definite part of your life. I'm gathering that maybe his family isn't so good at having healthy boundries with each other? A

Jill

[LithEruiel]

Thanks Jill. I still feel like it was more his parents fault for telling his aunt in the first place...there was no reason for anyone to tell her. But then I feel like it was my b/f's fault for telling his parents in the first place when I didn't want them to be told. But you're right, it was odd for his aunt to ask me about what meds I take in front of everyone while we were eating. They really don't have healthy boundaries. They've pried into my business before.

[Goldfinch]

I agree with several of the above posters that there are some boundary issues here filtering down from your boyfriend's relationship to his parents to the rest of his family.

Negotiating boundaries and loyalties is never easy with a new boyfriend or a new family relationship; it just takes some time and some honest communication. Have a heart to heart with your boyfriend, and explain everything the way you explain it here (but do be tactful with re to his family!) Explain that your health issues are not public info, and that it is only your choice when and who to confide in; hopefully he will get the message and draw clearer boundaries with his family. It isn't about choosing you over his family, and he shouldn't think of it that way. It's just about being diplomatic and not hurting anyone's feelings and forming a trusting bond with you.

I've been married 23 years to a loving kind man who wouldn't hurt me for the world....BUT he's honest to a fault, meaning that he really can't keep a secret! So I have learned to be very clear with him if I don't want something I say to go beyond the two of us. He comes from a family that shares all their health info (via family emails!) and has on occasion shared some of mine when I would have preferred he keep it quiet. So, I have learned to live with it; and I don't always tell him everything. I realize his family is not really prying, and they do care about my health deeply. That may not be the case with your boyfriend's family, but give them the benefit of the doubt, and then make sure that any further info comes only from you at your discretion. If it happens again, I'd say he has a slow learning curve.

But if some family member were to reveal that they know something the way his aunt did, I would quietly take her aside and tell her you aren't comfortable sharing that information yet and ask her not to say anything to anyone else. She may very well feel grateful to you.

[Daisy Mae]

Awww, I really hate that happened to you... it's one thing around your own family or people you're more comfortable with, but a boyfriend's family, already something new and often awkward anyway.
I'm extremely open about my IC, but that's because I have chosen to be. I was suffering terribly while I was in nursing school and there was a tiny paragraph, not more than a sentence or two, in the textbook about IC and that's how I knew this was something to check into about myself & my symptoms. I didn't want anyone else to ever have to go through waiting and wondering to find out what they have & that's why I share so openly. Most of my friends are also nurses and that's another reason I'm so comfortable, and want them of all people to know. If they ever have a patient with IC, I hope that what I've told them will lead to them being more compassionate than if they didn't know about it.
Having said all this, I need to reiterate that it was MY decision to be open about it and if my husband or family didn't know I was ok with the info being shared and blabbed about it anyway, I would be hurt, terribly. They've been sensitive and we've discussed what's ok to talk about, etc.
I'm hoping that this issue with your boyfriend won't cause you to break up. It seems like it's been a difficult relationship with his family in the first place. Maybe just some honest communication would help? Maybe if you said something like "I'm afraid we got off to a bad start, and I've been a bit sensitive about information that is very private to me..." yall could talk things out? Either way, you've got to do what's right for you, and I wish you the best.

[LithEruiel]

Thanks so much for your post Daisy Mae. My med/surg book only has a small paragraph about IC too. It just says it has the symptoms of a UTI, but it's not caused by a bacteria and has an unknown cause...that's it. I'm usually open about having IC too, but I just don't feel comfortable talking about anything with my boyfriend's family, let alone something personal like that. It's good to know your friends that are nurses are interested in knowing about IC. I haven't really told any one I work with, just because it hasn't come up. I told a few people I have a bladder disease - one, because in my job interview for my nurses' aide job they asked what I wanted to do with nursing in the future so I said I want to go into urology and they asked why. Two, because I said something about how I could never drink an energy drink and someone asked why (I don't know how anyone drinks those things anyway...) But you're right, the point is that I chose to tell them.

Anyway, we haven't broken up, but I haven't been back over to his house yet (he lives with his parents). They left yesterday for their house in Florida for a few weeks, so at least I don't have to worry about them for awhile. The thing is, this isn't a very new relationship...we've been together almost two years and things just keep getting worse with his family. My family is very young (my mom's stepfather is the same age as my boyfriend's dad!), liberal and non-traditional and his family is very traditional - like you have to get married and have kids by a certain time - 'little pink houses for you and me' kind of thing, you know? So I guess it's kind of like culture shock! My family doesn't care if I ever get married or have kids or what kind of job I have or what my house looks like, as long as I'm happy. I just have a hard time being expected to fit in a certain mold by someone else's family, especially when my boyfriend doesn't even fit that mold and they don't seem to accept him either.

Right now my boyfriend is mad at his family too, so he doesn't care that I don't want to see them, but I think eventually he'll get over it and want me to do things with them again and I don't feel like I can. That's why I feel like the relationship isn't going to work out. I just don't feel like I can ever get along with them. I'll get over this eventually too, but it'll always be something else. I just don't like the people they are in general - very judgmental, gossipy, you know. I was always taught to stay away from those types of people! LOL

[Zygala87]

Ashley go with your "gut" feeling. We have a sixth sense for a reason. Don't expect your boyfriend will ever cut himself off from his family. Share your feeling with him, let him go deal with his family himself and avoid them yourself if you can have a relationship with the BF without being forced to do so. If he has a "cow" over it then just cut bait. Not worth the trouble. Good luck. Hugs, Ziggy

[icnmgrjill]

Hmmm... I have several reactions to this.. and I guess what it comes down to is human motivation. Why would you boyfriend tell his parents. Was it because he was worried about you and needed someone to talk with or was he being malicious? Well, we obviously know the answer to that. he is NOT malicious... he was worried and he needed someone to talk to.

And why would his family talk about any family members illness?? Again, not to be mean but because, at their core, they are worried and fearful and are looking for support.

So, I honestly think that the motivation was, most likely concern.

It would be nice if the hostess contacted you and said that they were sorry that you were embarassed by the question and that it was not her intention for you to be hurt. I am going to hope that that happens.

In the meantime, I do think it's important to remember that your boyfriend needs support too and that he should have permission to talk with his parents about his life but that it be with discretion and respect for your privacy.

Hugs!!!!

[LithEruiel]

You're right Jill, my boyfriend told his parents because he was worried about me. I'm not mad at him about it anymore. However, I don't think his parents spread it around out of concern. They don't think anything's really wrong with me, like a lot of us are familiar with having happen. They also don't understand why I'd be upset about it, so I don't think they'll apologize. I have a hard time putting into words what I think the motivation was, but I guess I'll just say "not good." So, I let it go with my boyfriend, but am having a very hard time doing so with his parents.

Thanks for your reply :)

[girlwithic]

I realize this happened 8 months ago and I hope everything has worked out the way you have hoped. I'm sorry you had to go through that embarrassment. I've been there before and found myself in a similar situation with my in-laws when I was first diagnosed. We where at a family function and I was flaring so I was taking a few more trips to the bathroom than usual. (flares cause frequency to go way up.) His parents asked him what was wrong with me and he said something to do with her bladder. After I walked out of the bathroom and back into the room it went silent and no one would look me in the eye for a few minutes, so I know they had just talked about me and was pretty sure it was my bladder. On the drive home I asked my husband what happened and he told me. We have come to an agreement that my husband can tell his family and friends when we hang out with them for the first time to say, "My wife has to use the restroom a lot so don't take it as she doesn't like you or you have offended her, she just uses the restroom more than usual." I can understand why he wants to let people know about my illness to make me more comfortable, but it is MY illness and therefore I tell him if people ask him about my i.c. to tell them I don't know how to explain it so if you have any question you should ask her about it. Which works out wonderfully because those who want information to gossip about usually don't ask me any question and the people who care about my well being will ask questions and offer any help if I need it. So, whether you're still with the same boyfriend or a new one I hope you can establish a "privacy policy" as I call it. I know my husband needs to vent and have support from people so I tell him to please discuss it with his friends because they are less emotional invested and involved therefore less judgmental.

[jacque]

Everyone should have compassion for you! This is a horrible illness and people don't understand. I just now told my step mother-in-law that I have IC and I have been married for 8 yrs and she is wonderful. But in the past, I would just hide it and get a little anxiety before going to their house as they live 3 hours away and we have always spent the night there for a few days. As far as your boyfriend goes, in my opinion, that was very disrespectful to you because it should be your decision whether you want his family to know or not. It's absolutely none of their business!

[LithEruiel]

girlwithic and jacque, thank you for your posts! I don't know why I didn't see them earlier (I get the e-mail updates). We're still together, but I haven't seen is family since then and it's creating a lot of problems. I found out they have other things they don't like about me that they've told him about, but yet they still expect me to come to their family things and I don't understand...