Still Sad about my Dads passing

[glassd18]

Its been since April that my Dad passed away and I find I still cry alot. I really miss him. My brothers and sisters don't seem to be as affected or they are dealing with it differently. My Mom of course still crys. I feel like people have put a time limit on this or something. I really can't help how I feel though, and having IC pain doesn't help. My Dad was a very talented musician, and so is my brother, and I play and sing too, but music tends to set off the tears for both my Mom and I and now my brother Dave said he won't play anymore if my Mom crys. It's just that we are sentimental and think of him when we hear certain songs...I hope it gets better soon...

[ICNDonna]

Your loss is very new. When my Dad passed away, it was months and months before I could see him any other way than when I saw him at the mortuary. Dad had a marvelous sense of humor --- one day something happened that I just knew would make him laugh --- and suddenly I could remember the good times with him. It's been many years now, but there are still times I would like to share something with him. I am so very thankful that he was with me until I grew up --- and he got to see two of his grandchildren.

It takes time, but I promise it will get easier. :grouphug:

Donna

[glassd18]

Thank you Donna. My Dad had a great sense of humor too!! We were pals so it is so hard. I am thankful that he got to live a fairly long life, and that he got to see two of his Great-Grandchildren. I just know he wasn't ready to leave here yet. Cancer is a terrible disease.

[amaranthe]

I am so sorry to hear of your Dad's passing. I haven't gone thru the loss of a parent yet, but I sure do dread the time it comes. I wish I could say something (anything) to make you feel better and take your pain away. But, I know that there aren't any magic words that exist.

I can tell you that music is also a way that my family bonds. We all sing well, and that's something we always do when we are all together. (Well, I should say it something we DID when we WERE together, since my parents divorced 9 years ago (after 38 years of marriage!) Though it isnt the same thing as death by any means, I definately feel that loss of having everyone together and all of us singing. Stupid, I know. Now, whenever we gather at either my Mom's or my Dad's, we still sing, but there is definately a void felt for the one missing, and I am always aware of the fact that we will never all sing together again. It makes me not want to even do it anymore, because of that. So, the first Christmas, I didnt. My brothers still did, but I just left, because I couldnt take it. No one understood. It was just the opposite, I was admonished for "being a baby", and not just sucking it up and participating.
So, the next year I did, but I still think about it and it still makes me sad, even 9 years later.

I know my situation is different from yours, but just wanted you to know that I understand the music part. I hope someday I dont feel that way anymore, and that you dont either. I hope that someday, you will be able to enjoy the music again (and that I will too.)

Please dont think there is any timetable on your grief. If you need to talk abuot it, you should do so whenever you feel that need. I am sure that your family needs to talk about it too, and that no matter how they seem to be coping, that they are hurting very badly too. Lots of times people feel like they just have to keep the brave face on. But, if they know yuo need to talk, they might let their feelings out too.

Please know you can talk about it here anytime. We are here for you.

Sending hugs,
Amaranthe

[Zygala87]

There is no timetable for grief. Time heals but the scares remain. My Mother died in 1960 and I still have times when I cry over it. She was only 42 and left 4 children. We were left all alone in the world. Somehow we stuck together. We remain so very close to this day. We share everything from the bad to the good. It gives us all great comfort. Try to stay close to your sibblings and support your Mom. That will give you strength and hope. Be kind to yourself. Your Dad left a circle of life. A beautiful thing. Bless you, hugs, Ziggy

[glassd18]

Thank you Amaranthe and Zygala!!! @ Zygala: My Mom's Dad died when she was only 13, and he was only 40, and left behind a wife with 8 children. My Mom told me how hard it was for them. I'm glad you have a closeness with you family. We only really have each other... I live very far from my family so staying close has not been easy, and each of us is so different from the other. My brothers live near my Mom and they take pretty good care of her, and she is doing quite well despite everything.

@ Amaranthe: I can so relate about the musical family, and I completely understand how you must have felt that Christmas. I would have felt the same way, and my sibs would have said the same thing. It would have been the buck up mentality, but I am very sentimental. Probably overly so :) My Dad's family were entertainers, and our family is the same, and we have many nieces and nephews that are musical too so it was passed down for sure. We had a huge sing a long at my Dad's wake, and that was so difficult, but it was the right thing to do for someone who gave us so much music all his life :) Cherish the time you have together!!! Thanks for support!!! It really has helped my heart.

[Mothergoose]

My dad died 30 years ago, but there is still one song i can't hear without crying, he used to sing me to sleep with that song. Grief has no tie limit and everyone deals with it in a different way.

Sorry for your loss, it really has not been very long it is still all so new to you. MG

[glassd18]

Thank you Mothergoose. I wish my family would show their grief openly so we could all talk about it.

[luvsterriers]

I experienced the first death of a loved one nearly 2 years ago. My grandfather (dad's dad) passed away a day after President Obama won the election. He was 87 years old. He was very sick for 4 years with heart problems and pneumonia. He died at his house that my grandparents bought when they first got married. They were married for 63 years when he died. My grandma is 90 years old now and still lives in the same house my grandparents bought and she lives alone. She refuses to live with my aunt or uncle. All of my dad's family live in New Jersey while my parents and I are in Northern VA. My mom's dad died when she was only a teenager. My other grandma died in July 2009. She died in her sleep. A pastor came by the home to read verses from the bible and sing and my grandma opened her eyes as if to say something. Then when the pastor left the home, my grandma died. She was 94 years old. I didn't attend my grandma's funeral since she was in Seoul. Her death however is sad, but not as sad at losing my grandfather. I was more closer to my grandma, but I wasn't in Seoul when she died. I'm sure if I was living in Seoul, I would have felt worse. Most of mom's family still live in Seoul. My grandfather's death still hurts me so much. I can't hear the song "You are Mine" without crying. It's a hymn sung in Catholic churches. Not sure if other churches sing it. My parents and I still go to New Jersey to visit the family for Easter, 4th of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Sometimes they visit us. But whenever we get together there is this void. My grandfather isn't around. I too seem to be the only person so effective by his death. Everyone on dad's family have experienced death prior to my grandfather's death.

Then had to deal with another death in the family only 3 months ago. :(

Ugh I'm rambilng on...

I'm sorry for the death of your dad. :(

[SueC]

Its been since April that my Dad passed away and I find I still cry alot. I really miss him. My brothers and sisters don't seem to be as affected or they are dealing with it differently. My Mom of course still crys. I feel like people have put a time limit on this or something. I really can't help how I feel though, and having IC pain doesn't help. My Dad was a very talented musician, and so is my brother, and I play and sing too, but music tends to set off the tears for both my Mom and I and now my brother Dave said he won't play anymore if my Mom crys. It's just that we are sentimental and think of him when we hear certain songs...I hope it gets better soon...

I so very glad i am not the only one that feels this way, Thanks!!!!! Dad died Feb. 2010.

[Hannah13]

Its been since April that my Dad passed away and I find I still cry alot. I really miss him. My brothers and sisters don't seem to be as affected or they are dealing with it differently. My Mom of course still crys. I feel like people have put a time limit on this or something. I really can't help how I feel though, and having IC pain doesn't help. My Dad was a very talented musician, and so is my brother, and I play and sing too, but music tends to set off the tears for both my Mom and I and now my brother Dave said he won't play anymore if my Mom crys. It's just that we are sentimental and think of him when we hear certain songs...I hope it gets better soon...

I'm sorry. My dad's been gone a long time. It's hard. I'm sorry for your loss. Hang in there.

Love, H.

[luvsterriers]

Sue and Hannah

So sorry about the death of your father. I can't imagine what that is like losing a parent. My parents are still here. When my parents aren't here anymore I know I will be a wreck. I have no siblings. I'm taking the death of my grandfather really really hard, I think much worse than my aunt, uncle and dad.

[glassd18]

I have read that the grief one feels after a death relates directly to the closeness you felt for that person or even pet. I was very close to my Dad, although it was not always that way, in the end we were pals. I think we are alot alike.

I'm very sorry for all of the losses you each have experienced.

I am very grateful for the friendship and support of this network!!! It helps to have someone to talk to about it!! :smile tee

[glassd18]

@ Luvsterriers Thank you!! You are not alone in your grief. I have thought about going to a grief support group. Maybe that would help you also? Everyone grieves differently. I think it has a lot to do with acceptance. I believe my family has accepted the fact that my Dad was very ill, and had to die, and that now he is in a better place not suffering anymore so although I know inside they are sad and they miss him they have accepted that it had to be this way. I am still tossing back and forth the what ifs and the could haves that will not change anything, but I know in time it gets better. My Dad was very ill and suffering for a long time with cancer so to know he is not suffering anymore is a good thing. What was harder for me is that my Dad was misdiagnosed when it first started, and then he refused to get chemo and radiation after his operation, but I don't think he understood very well the seriousness of what was happening to him as he had a bit of dementia so I regret that we didn't do more to make him understand. His cancer came back with a vengeance, and spread to other parts of his body, and so then it was too late for anything else. My father said "I guess I made a mistake", and we felt so helpless then, and of course he eventually died. So I know my Dad had a lot more living to do as he fought so hard in the end to stay alive which is why it made it so much more difficult for me to accept what happened, but he may have had the treatment and the cancer could have come back anyway. There is no way to be sure, and we will never know, and it doesn't matter anyway. I have to remember the good times we had together, and know that he is free now.

[ICNDonna]

There will always be "what ifs" --- but we can't change the past --- we can only look to the future. There is nothing you could have done that would have changed things. I lost my brother to cancer. He did a horrible year of chemotherapy, which did give him several more years, but the cancer did come back agressively and chemo didn't touch it. I miss him terribly (more than I miss my parents), and the only way I can accept that he is gone is that I am so very thankful that he was a part of my life through childhood and both of us having children and seeing them grow up.

Try to think of the good times when you think of him. Because you were very close, think of what he would want you to remember. I do think it would be a good idea to see a counselor for a while. Some grief support groups are very good and will help you get through this --- I do suggest that before you attend one that you verify that there is a qualified leader. When my sister-in-law lost her husband, I took her to a group and it simply made matters worse for her --- they didn't have a trained leader for the group.

Sending gentle hugs your way,
Donna

[c2miracle]

Sending a huge hug your way! My dad passed in 1995 and he was only 53. I still miss him very much but I talk to him and also "feel" him around me when I'm having a bad day.
Think of the goodtimes with him, I'm sure he would want you and your family to continue the music, as it speaks to our souls! Take care and stay positive. :)

[glassd18]

Thank you Donna!

Thank you c2miracle!