Most of the time I'm ok with it, but...

[kadi]

This weekend a friend emailed me pictures of the little boy she's adopting. I was positive about it with her when she called today, which is important to me - to be a good friend & supportive/happy. So, why did I get off the phone & cry?

I do feel better that she told me that I was the first she told outside of her immediate family and that she wants me to be auntie. She lives very far away so I guess I'll be auntie-by-mail.

I told another friend how I was feeling & she told me I could adopt too. That almost felt worse, reopened wounds somehow. I doubt if I could get through the lengthy process, I never have any sick leave left at the end of each year - most years I run over & lose pay, and I struggle so much some days to just work fulltime with the IC that I don't think it's realistic. I have no idea how some of the women here manage IC and mothering too. It seems like it would be incredibly hard & I don't think I could do it.

I'm lucky to be a teacher & have taught almost 2,000 students in my 18 years teaching. Maybe that's what God intended to be my role with children & most of the time, I feel ok about it. But today was rough.

[Julie B]

Hugssssssssssss...............my daughter is going through infertility, Kadi, and I tell her the same thing I am going to tell you.............there is no shame in crying about this. Most women's bodies, minds, and hearts are built to be mothers. The craving is primal and very very real.

I do want to affirm your role as a teacher, however....think of it this way...not only have you loved and influenced thousands of students, there is a ripple effect to what you are doing. You have likely affected their parents, their siblings, their future marriages and likely their future children as well. I know I had several memorable teachers whose umbrella of influence affects me to this day. You are a blessing to those children..........

hugs hugs hugs.............

[nanawaggs]

Dear Kadi ~

I'm so sorry your heart is sad. Julie said everything so perfectly. You have definitely influenced so many. I admire all you have shared with so many children who many of which may never have experienced the love, attention and compassion I hear in your writing.

I, too, have a step-daughter who from the time I met her (at age 7), all she wanted was to be a mommy. When she was barely in her 20s she found out she cannot have any little ones. I can't even begin to know how to ease your pains except to let you know I truly care.

I will keep you in my prayers:pray:
With deepest caring and thankfulness for all you are doing for HIS little ones,
Ginger

[amaranthe]

Dear Kadi,

((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

I am so sorry that today was so hard. Juile said it all perfectly! Although we all realize that teaching can never fill that void for you that you long for your own child to fill, she is so right that you have influenced the lives of countless children, as well as their freinds, families, future coworkers, employees, employers, etc.

Like so many others, I also have fond memories of a few special teachers. For me, it wasnt so much what they taught me academically as it was the things they taught me by example. Since they treated everyone with kindness, (not just the popular students). These remarkable teachers and extraordinary human beings made each person feel important, from the richest to the poorest. They made sure we all knew that every opinion mattered, (not just our own.) They also taught us to think for ourselves. By believing in us, they made us want to be better people because we wanted to live up to the expectations they had for us. We didn't want to let them down. I am sure your students feel the same way about you. You are just that sort of person.

Having been here quite a while, I can tell that you are also that type of teacher and person. You are definately going to be one of those who will be fondly remembered (and probobly even visited by your former students.) You are part of their heritage and that is an amazing thing!

I am sorry that you had such a terrible day. At least she lives far away so you wont have to see her pregnant or have to see the baby on a regular basis, (which would hurt alot more.)


I agree with Julie when she says that you are a blessing to those children. I pray that God will bless you too. :pray:

Sending hugs, :kiss:
Amaranthe

[KarenAnne]

Kadi, I'm so sorry you are grieving. I will be saying a special prayer for you today. And thank you for always being so generous on here with your knowledge & patience.

[ICNDonna]

Julie and others have said it very well --- I also remember special teachers from my childhood. :grouphug:

Donna

[leelee88]

Hugs Kadi, My sister also cannot have children. I know this really upsets her at times.. I just try to be there for her..

[sailawaygrl]

I am so sorry you are hurting. I agree with everyone else on here, and you do touch many, many lives. I know that what you share on the boards has helped me so much.

I was told when I was only 18 that having children would not be possible for me. Amazingly they were wrong and I did have a child at 22, only one. I went through some years of longing to have another but it wasn't possible, I know that isn't the same, but I do understand how you feel.

I will be sure to say an extra prayer for you and your pain today...
Sandra

[SharonA]

Dear, dear Kadi...I hear your heart in everything you write here.You give of yourself so freely to everyone who comes to these boards and to your students year in...year out. You are one fantastic lady. (((Hugs)))

[mary124]

Hugs to you. Everyone else said it very nicely.
It takes someone special to be a teacher:grouphug:

[nottoc4]

Kadi,I hear your pain and can only say that you have been blessed in other ways.The grieving process can be very healing,allow yourself that process.

[JennyK]

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad Kadi.
Julie post has said much of what I was thinking and didn't know how to say. Even if you don't have children you have and will continue to make such a difference in the lives of the kids you teach. I know from reading your posts in the forums that you care so much for those kids and work so hard to be a great teacher for them, and the teachers who really care that much make a difference.

As a mom who did choose to adopt my son, my first child, I can tell you that you are right that it's not so simple as when people say "oh you can just adopt". You are right that it is a difficult, long, emotional process, and I almost couldn't get through it even with the support of my husband and parents, who really believed in our choice to adopt. I am so happy now to have our little boy finally (he came home from ministry care at 3 yrs old and is now almost 6), and I wouldn't change a thing, but it sure was hard getting here, and with all adopted kids there will be at the very least loss issues they will go through and revisit at each stage of their lives, as loss is the basis for adoption. All the people who say "oh you can just adopt" like it is easy know absolutely nothing! There hearts might be in the right place, but I know how unhelpful that comment is.

I hope you are having a better day today. You are a good friend to be so supportive to your friend even though it is hard for you. I'm sure she appreciates your friendship - it is hard to be a mom, and even harder to adopt - there are a lot of biases people have against adopted children. I'm sure your support means a lot, I hope you can tell your friend when it gets too hard some days for you also though, and that she can understand.
Lots of hugs.

[waterflow]

I know how you feel. I get so excited when someone tells me they are expecting and then it turns into such a sad time for me. All I wanted was to get married have kids and that never happened and at my age never will. When menopause started I was so happy but then I got really sad and actually cried every night after going to bed because it meant no baby at all for me but yet I knew it would never happen anyway since I'm not married. I try to stay happy for others and not say anything to them about how I feel. I used to watch the show A Baby Story but I got so depressed and cried so much I stopped watching it. For me adoption is out. I took care of babies for people I knew. Got very attached and they got mad at me and took the babies away. After that I swore I would never adopt. I want my own or none.
Guess there really is no easy way to get through it all and I wonder if this feeling will ever go away? I do know I don't dwell on it all the time, like I used to, now that I am older. Wish I knew how to make it all go away but I don't.