I'm Childless

[teacher2be]

I have been single for the past 6 years while I tried to finish getting my college degree. Now I'm 38 and still single. I always thought I would be married and a mother and I guess life doesn't always work out as you plan. When I was student teaching 2 of my students, one boy and one girl, not related, they had both been abandoned by their mothers. Out of all the students, I was closest with those two. I think they both wanted me to adopt them. It tore at my heart strings because I would love to be a mother and they both were abandoned, and yet I couldn't adopt either of them. I feel for anyone who can't have children for one reason or another. For me, I don't know if it's physically possible or in the cards. My best friend has twins after 8 years of infertility and it turned out she couldn't get pregnant because she had an infection of her uterine lining. She lived with it for years and had absolutely no symptoms. No she has twins due to invitro and another daughter from a missed birth control pill. Once she started the fertility treatments they discovered the infection, but still implanted her. I'm not sure why really. Anyway, she was born to be a mom. It's her whole world. I think some day I will adopt. I feel I am born to be a mom too. I'm looking forward to getting back to my nurturing side as an elementary teacher. That helps with not feeling as bad about being childless. Maybe there's an unconcious reason I went into elem. teaching without realizing it.

[Zygala87]

You are at an age were you could still have a child if you are healthy and it is possible. It would be sad & difficult to raise a child alone with out the Father to help but many women do it. Do you have any surport such as your family close by? Maybe this is something you don't wish to do. I'm just saying it is possible and you will need a very excellent OBGYN to take extra care with you. My Sister's Husband left her before her baby was born and she raised the child alone working full time. That child is now grown and is her greatest blessing. It was difficut but worth it for her. We are all so different. Only you can make that decision. Hugs, Ziggy

[123456]

Hi teacher2be!

I'm a 34 year old single mom by choice. I adopted my beautiful 10 year old daughter last 11/5/08 out of foster care. She is a dream and I love her so much! I feel truly blessed to be her mother. We do all sorts of stuff together and it seems as if God placed us together on purpose. Sure, sometimes it's hard, but it's worth it. My parents fell madly in love with her and spoil her rotten. If you are thinking about adoption, I totally encourage you. You could make a HUGE difference in a child's life just by committing to them! If you have any questions, please let me know!

[teacher2be]

It's good to hear your opinions and stories. I plan to adopt some day, but first I need to become financially stable. Since I just graduated it will be a while till that occurs. Perhaps a few years. I'm hoping subbing will provide steady employment. I have to wait two weeks to find out if I'm hired. So, as always, I patiently wait. I'm really looking foward to working with children again. It helps fulfill the nurturer in me. :bunny:

[123456]

FYI - If you adopt a child out of foster care, the government gives you a monthly subsidy :)

[teacher2be]

I didn't even think of that. Something to store in the filing cabinet in my brain for the future. I think my neighbors across the street did that. They are young twenties and one day they suddenly had a 3 year old child. He calls them dad and mom. I don't really talk to them. They're nice, we just say hi, and that's it. I was thinking to myself, "How did I ever not notice that they had a kid or did they adopt?" The funny thing is that he looks like them too, but I'm pretty sure he's adopted. Thank you so much for the info.
:hi:

[michreev]

123456 it has always been my dream to adopt (well before I was sick, way back to when I was in high school) and pre-IC my husband and I had already agreed to a combined family: one child via pregnancy and one to two via adoption. We're sort of on hold at the moment with the pregnancy part until we get a few IC-related health issues aside, and I know the adoption process can be lengthy so we're sort of researching both at once. I'm a teacher at a school for students with behavioral issues, we always have a few kids in foster care and I'm ready to bring them home every day. :smile tee My husband is a little more hesitant to adopt from foster care. Would you mind if I emailed you about your experience?

[glassd18]

I had premature ovarian failure @ 35 yrs, and my world fell apart. I'm 45 yrs now, and have come to accept that I don't have any children of my own. I think about adopting, but I'm 45 now.

[JennyK]

Teacher2be - My hubby and I adopted a little boy out of foster care 2 years ago, he is 5 now. He is such a blessing, and even though it is hard sometimes I am thankful everyday that we choose to build our family with him.

When we adopted my IC wasn't even affecting me, our reasons to adopt were simply that I have always wanted to as I have seen family members adopt (my little brother was adopted when I was in my teens to our family) and I know how many kids are sitting there in foster care that really need a family. I find there is a lot of predjudice against kids who have been in foster care, and it is true that most of them come with some problem or another, but that doesn't mean they don't need committed families to be there for them, and many times problems that sound scary are not really so awful once you love the child and learn more how to manage the issue. I get really upset by the attitude a lot of people we knew had once we told them we were adopting - some people were supportive, but many seemed to think a child who had been in care, and from an addict parent was worth less than a child born to us would have been, and that mind set just makes me crazy, how will our society ever do it's part and parent these children if that is people's attitude? My husband's father is missing out on being a grandpa because of his attitude and the fact that he can't seem to stop lecturing us about how our child will maybe have problems down the road and we will regret it and yada yada yada.

Anyways sorry, not the place for that rant...

So it wasn't until after we had adopted and we started trying for a second child, that my IC symptoms started and also fertility issues were found (after a miscarriage). Now it looks as though I may never carry a pregnancy to term, and that makes me so sad every day, but even if I could I don't know that I could handle going of my IC meds anyways. So now I am doubly greatful we went ahead and adopted.

If you do decide you want to go the adoption route you can always pm me if you want to know anything about our experience. It was a difficult and long process, but the end result would have made it worth going through anything.

[Pamela_Joy]

I'm 42 with severe IC. I will never have children because my IC has become so bad my husband and I can no longer do what it takes to have a child. I feel lucky he has stayed with me. We will be married 20 years in June. For 10 of those years I have had IC, for 5 it has been severe.

I used to console myself with the fact I was a teacher and every year I had 25 children. Working with them gave me the fulfillment of "having" children. I taught 5th grade which for me was a wonderful age. They had not quite entered puberty and were a delight to work with. My last year of teaching I had the best class I ever had. I think this was partly due to my disease. I probably should have stopped teaching mid-year, but the students pitched in and did many of the things that had become difficult for me because they did not want me to leave. Things like filing, keeping the classroom neat, setting up centers and bulletin boards, even writing the schedule on the board. All I did was sit at the horseshoe table to teach groups, sit in a tall chair for whole class teaching or sit in a padded chair to read to them. It was still a difficult year physically, but I had the satisfaction of finishing it and the memories of a wonderful class.

I try to tell myself it is better I didn't have children before the IC set in or during the 3 years I was in remission. If I had my child would be between 7-12 yrs old probably. I can't even take care of myself now, it would be horribly unfair to a child to have to deal with this. But my heart still aches. IC took away my ability to have kids and also took away my ability to work with them. People tell me I should voulunteer in the schools, but that is impossible. My IC is so bad I'm virtually housebound. It has been 3 weeks since I left the house and that short trip put me into a horrible flare that lasted 3 days. If I promised to come in every week at a certain time the likelihood that I'd wake up to a bad day and have to cancel would be high. I also know from being a teacher that the worst thing is the volunteer who suddenly shows up. Having to stop teaching to find something for the volunteer to do or having your schedule disrupted is not pleasant. Besides I'm not sure I could handle it emotionally either. When I visit my parents I see the school I taught at as it is across the street from their subdivision...I burst into tears every time I see it. They try to go the back way whenever possible so I don't have to see it. Often if I'm in the grocery store with them I see former students. While I'm always happy to see them and find out how they are doing, afterwards I end up crying my heart out in my Mom's arms.

Sometimes I thing it hurts more that I can't teach than it does to be childless. I loved my job very much. I loved working with children. I feel that even though IC is not terminal it still stole my life.

Pamela Joy

[kadi]

Hi,
It actually really bothers me when I say that I can't have children & people say so casually, "You can always adopt". It's just not that easy when you're single, over 40, and have a chronic illness that makes just hanging on to a fulltime job difficult sometimes.

Right now, I'm watching a dear friend who is 42 also, single, but with no health issues & with a great job, owns her own house, etc., go through hell to be able to adopt. She's been working on this for over a year, has estimated expenses for this adoption at about $15,000 out of pocket. Two months ago, she was promised a child, given his name & photo, she sent him a photo album so he'll recognize her, and then suddenly this week she was told, "Sorry, the orphanage won't let him be adopted by a single parent." She's been crying all week and I don't even know how to console her. She's a wonderful person, with a wide open heart & minimal physical & financial issues to stop her from being an amazing parent.

Then I think about myself with my IC, exceeding my sick leave every single year, can't afford a house, not sure my doctors would sign off on adoption paperwork, do not have lots of extra income with my teaching salary & medical expenses - all these would be issues in just adopting the child. Then taking care of the child? When (and it's not if, it's when, because it happens every year) I run out of sick leave for myself & start losing pay, what about when my child is sick? Day care costs plus my medical expenses? When I'm up all night with flares, then to be up with a child, and no one to help me? The energy to take care of a child after being on my feet for 10 hours? I never have a day without some level of IC symptoms, I can't even imagine taking care of a child in addition to taking care of myself.

I've considered it & decided that it is more realistic for me to grieve this loss and move on to doing my best as a teacher & loving my nephew & friends' children... And well, if I fall in love with a wonderful guy who has kids from his first marriage & I could be a step-parent, maybe that would be ok too. (Though that kind of scares me, but it would depend a lot on the circumstances - I've seen it work well and I've seen it not work at all in some of my friends' marriages...)

I'm just putting this out there because I can't tell you how many people ask me why I don't have kids if I love them so much as a teacher and insist that I could adopt if I wanted to... Which makes me want to say something about people minding their own business, but I usually just get up & change the subject.

I don't think I'd be a good parent under the circumstances of the life I have now single & now that I've had IC seven years & exhausted every treatment out there except Interstim & clinical trials, I'm doing my best to live with it realistically.

[Pamela_Joy]

I hear the adoption thing too.

1. There is no way we could afford it. I'm on disability which means my income is cut in half.

2. Even if I could afford it all it would take is one look at my medical records and I'd be denied. (People are surprised to hear they look at medical records)

3. Even if by some stretch I was allowed to adopt there is no way I could care for the child. My husband could help, but he has to work. 8-10 hours a day alone with the child and I spend about half of those in the bathroom, I'd be guilty of child neglect.

I also have people say "You should get a dog/cat." Well I'm deathly allergic to cats and again I'd be unable to take care of a dog. The poor thing would be whining to go out (I live in an apartment so no yard) and I'd be in the bathroom unable to let it out. Then there would be a mess I'd be physically unable to clean up. Even without those problems having an active animal would be too exhausting for me. Most of the time I'm too tired and/or exhausted to make myself a bowl of cereal, having a dog jump up on me would be painful. And in my heart it seems cruel to shove a dog away or reprimand it for what comes naturally.

People just do not think before they open their mouths. And the assumption that marriage=children is so pervasive in the U.S. it seems to eclipse rational thought at times. I even had a woman tell me once that the only valid reason for marriage was to have children. I asked her if my marriage wan't valid then, she had the grace to look embarrassed having opened her mouth without thinking about who she was talking to. Where is the problem with marrigae being about companionship? As a teacher I saw so many couples that either should never have had children or who should have waited a few years before they had them. I saw children who at best were benignly neglected, their needs were provided for but their was no love, no emotional support of any kind and of course no help with schoolwork, reading or any type of healthy parent/child interaction. Unfortunately I also saw plenty of worse neglect/abuse. Then reporting becomes an issue, but you quickly learn that the Child Services system is so overwhelmed that it is of no use to report 99% of what you see. Only the very worst cases get investigated.

And another side effect of baby craziness is teen pregnancy. So many teenage girls believe either 1. It's like having a doll to dress up and show off. or 2. A baby will provide them unconditional love. These are often girls who are the product of that mild neglect I've mentioned and are so desperate for any kind of love and/or attention that they get pregnant.

And finally these thoughtless people have no idea that their comments are like driving a knife through my heart. Don't they think I hurt when I think of not having children or that I like being reminded that my husband and I can no longer be intimate? While there is no way for them to know the latter as I don't usually tell people it is another case of not knowing how much their thoughtless remarks can hurt.

Having or not having children should be something private. For some reason our society has decided it is ok to submit to casual conversation and scrutiny. Not everyone is childless by choice, but even if they are it is not something that is anybody else's business. I actually applaud people who make that choice. It means they took the time to think hard about themselves, something everyone should do before committing to something so important as the control of the life of a child.

Pamela Joy

[icbeauty]

Also, not every couple is able to agree on adoption. There really are some people out there who are wary of it. I don't really know why, but they are. After my divorce, I wanted to adopt (tried to get pregnant for almost 10 years while married), but I wasn't able. Single. No biggie. It is really hard to raise a child when you have a spouse, so it's even harder when you're single I imagine. At the time, it was devastating news though. I'd already let my heart fall in love with the idea of being someone's mother. It's been almost 2 years now since that news, and I'm actually all right.

I look at my childless status as an opportunity. I used to see it as a burden, but not anymore. It's an opportunity for me to be more available to those who might need me. It's an opportunity for me to try to reach the goals I thought were unattainable. I quit my full-time teaching job in order to go to school for my MLS. I started my life completely over, and I am so grateful for the second chance. If I had a child, I would not have been able to do this. So in a way, I'm blessed.

I still get sad sometimes. I still feel a pang when I see birth announcements or have to go to a baby shower. And I feel very left out when all my friends are talking about their children. But I'm getting better. I even babysit from time to time, and that satisfies me. I am able to enjoy the kiddos, but I get to give them back to their parents and I can go home and go to bed.

So there is good and bad. Nowadays, as I get older, I am starting to experience the good more than the bad. It's refreshing. :)

[wolfaleena]

i am over 50 ,,,, 55 to be exact. i have had IC for 21 years and believe that i had it way before that. i was married at 39 my husband is older than me. I thought that i always would have had at least one child. BUT it didn't work out that way because of severe IC. we have excepted this and have moved on. i don't dwell on this nor do i feel sad about it anymore.

my husband and i are very very close and now i couldn't imagine if i had to care for a child with my severity of IC that i have had for so long.

[bjwright]

Unlike many of you, I didn't have that PANG of really wanting children. It's not that I don't like kids; I've taught private lessons for years. But, I knew i wasn't a 24/7 child person and therefore, should not consider having a child. I had a difficult time w/my father and was also so afraid some of his impatience w/children would "rub" off on me.

Then I was diagnosed w/IC and 7 or 8 different other "stuff in a matter of years."

I feel like maybe I didn't have the motherhood urges b/c somewhere inside I always felt like I was going to have "something" happen to my health; it did.

I am happy I didn't pass, possibly, the genes I have onto a child who might get IC and the other stuff. I am now menopausal so it's settled. I'm completely fine w/it and feel as though I made a mature, unselfish choice to not have children considering my health and former marriage would not have offered enough that a child deserves. j

[glassd18]

@bjwright - I can understand that. When I was first diagnosed with Premature Menopause my friend told me that there was probably a reason I wasn't meant to have children. I'm not exactly sure what that reason is, but I too wonder at times if I would have had the patience after dealing with IC. I have a 16 year old step daughter whom I've known since she was 4, and I feel as though she is my child to some degree. I wish you good things!!