View Full Version : New Boyfriend
08-27-2009, 07:44 PM
I have a new boyfriend I have been dating for about 6 weeks now. I have told him I have IC but of course just like everyone else he has never heard of it before. I think it must sound really weird to people when they first hear about it. We have had sex 3 times so far and it only hurt once but I worry it will get more painful as it occurs more often. So far, he really likes me but I am very worried he is going to get annoyed with me having to go to the bathroom all the time, or not being able to eat certain things, or especially the sex thing. He is a young, good-looking guy who likes sex. What guy would want to be with a woman he is just getting to know if the sex becomes an issue? It would be different if we had been together for a long time before this happened but just starting out I am so worried. It doesn't help that I am in the worst flare of my life right now. And personally I don't think I would want to get into a relationship with someone who is sick. He knows I have this disease but I don't think he understands at all. My friends and family certainly don't and they have known me for years. Does anybody have any advice on how to handle things or how to word things if problems arise or even how to explain things so they sound understandle? I don't want to minimize but I don't want to freak him out either.
08-28-2009, 07:45 AM
i know how you feel, i have dated men who acted like i never said a word about my IC, or just plain did not care when i was in pain, i have even been harrassed for sex right after giving a speech on how bad my urethra is hurting. now i do not date a man who isnt sympathetic and if the man seems to be after sex 24/7 without caring about my bladder pain, (tries to have sex after i say im in pain) they will not be dating me again. my boyfriend now actually looses his errection if i say it is hurting midsex, so that is a plus!!!!!! you want a man who does not want sex if it hurts you. a man who wants to make you orgasm and not just get himself off. this new man you are dating May be a great bf, give him a little more time, but watch out for signs hes a loser, like him trying for sex after you make it clear you are hurt.
08-28-2009, 11:16 AM
Thanks for the advice Katie. I am just worried that at this stage of the game with both of us still being young and interested in sex, a guy is going to start looking elsewhere if he is not getting it at least once a week. Unfortunately becasue of our busy schedules all we see each other is usually about once a week. It hasn't been so painful for me to have to say no yet, but I am worried that day is coming. I think in every other way that I am a great catch, but the IC makes it much more complicated for a guy to date me, and I guess it is kind of wounding my self confidence these days. Perhaps more stories from people that have loving and understanding boyfriends will help. :)
08-30-2009, 08:53 PM
All I can say is wow, this post is so amazing because it's exactly what I'm thinking/wondering about right now and I happen to be a guy :D Seriously this is just to weird haha wow. I myself think I've decided, I want to know just how bad this thing can get but really I know it's different for everyone, some even go into remission for atime. Because I cannot know and since I would definitely feel bad becoming involved with someone and then having to turn them down for sex if they did ask, I may never pursue a intimate relationship. I'm 28 and really haven't had any yet, it's mostly my unusual personality that keeps them away. But honestly I care about people and the thought of someone really falling in love with me then suffering along with me is just to much to handle. I have enough worrying about how bad IC can be and don't want that stress.
You need to relax, if you had sex already he's interested. You are right because you're young he might go off elsewhere, but I think you are just upset because you want to explore things abit too but how can you when this disease is in the way. There's a saying "life is a pathless journey" and that's true, no matter how we'd like to force something if it's bad timing it won't happen. I still wonder just how a girl would take it if I said "well, I have something called IC, it's not as serious with me as others right now but I don't know what will happen in the future, and I do get pain in my urethra which might cause me to turn you down every now and then." She's probably laugh histerically and run off (can I blame her who even heard of IC that didn't already have it).
I'm actually interested in tantric sex now, romance, those things can turn me on more than anything, but of course I'm glad I have no girlfriend it would be to unjust to her in my opinion being around a person in random pain like I am.
That's my thoughts, however I'm interested in chi work and energy medicine now so eh we'll see.
08-31-2009, 03:44 PM
A couple of thoughts:
You have IC, and will continue to have IC throughout your life until a cure is found (as do I). This is not going to change. So it is better to find out now if the man you are dating is ok with the condition. If he is not, you would be in for a long time of misery in your relationship. Character rarely changes, so how he deals with you and the IC now will be a good indicator of what is to come.
Any man who would leave you because you are not having sex at least once a week is not a man you want in your life. You want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be with you, and intimacy is a part of that. But it is only a part.
Is it difficult to date with IC? Yes, it is. It is difficult to be married with IC. It is difficult to simply have IC. But the condition is what it is, and we make the best of what we have. Value yourself, and the rest will follow.
08-31-2009, 03:45 PM
Hey, I'm happy for you!
But here's a tip that my husband taught me.
STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT-IF's. Just because you have IC does not make you an incomplete or a bad person. Enjoy what's going on right now and take things slowly. Worrying about what-if's only make your anxiety increase which makes you flare which increases your pain. So do yourself a favor and STOP.
If it doesn't hurt, then great. If it hurts, don't have sex. If he wants to have sex and doesn't care about you, get rid of him.
There is someone out there for you. Some times it comes along when you least expect it.
09-21-2009, 07:08 AM
First off, hugs to you!
When my boyfriend and I broke up for a little while a year ago (not due to IC issues) I also wondered if I would ever find a guy who could put up with my medical problems and overall quirks. The truth is, love will find a way. If this guy really likes you, he will FIND a way to understand. He will make an effort. Yes, its at the beginning of the relationship, but if its meant to be, then it's meant to be. Period.
If I had been you, I would have gone into the relationship differently. I would have told him that you did not believe in sex before marriage (regardless of your actual beliefs). I wouldn't have even told him about IC. I would have offered to cook meals for him that I knew were safe for me to eat and when he asked me out tell him specific restaurants where I know I could get something safe and if you need no seasoning just smile and say "I have allergies" to the waiter/waitress. If a guy really likes you, he'll stick around. And then after a few months, then drop the IC bomb. If he sticks around, he's worth your time, if not, **** him.
My boyfriend and I have been together nearly three years now. As you can see in my signature my IC pain started a year ago. And let me tell you, love is a powerful thing. My boyfriend researched IC, he read the "Please Understand" book available in the IC Shop, he even talked to insurance attorneys trying to get me coverage, and has also joined this forum looking for insight into the disease and how he can help me.
He allows me to approach him for sex. If I'm in pain, he won't even try to come on to me. Instead, he'll bring me my blanket and snuggle me. Sometimes I feel bad and say, "Well let's just do it" and he won't because he doesn't want me to hurt more. If were doing it and I say "ow!" he stops and we find a new position. I would say my best advice to you on that is to use lots of lube, like KY Jelly. This may be TMI, but my bf and I find that foreplay is key. If I am fully aroused and relaxed before we do the deed, I rarely get ANY pain at all from sex. We go slow and find the right positions.
Explain to your partner that sex is painful for you sometimes and you don't necessarily want to go slow, but you NEED to. Get a good (IC safe!) lubricant. Plenty of foreplay (tell him it makes you REALLY horny or something lol). Perhaps ask your doctor for a muscle relaxer. I personally take a 350mg Soma 20 minutes before sex. I find my flare chances are GREATLY reduced by doing so. If a position starts to hurt, just take your hurt, make your best turned on face with it, and take control and switch the position yourself and moan loud. Then he thinks your into it and turned on by him, and you're out of the hurting position quickly, lol.
Definitely purchase the "Please Understand..." guide for partners from the IC shop. You can give it to him, or keep it for a future guy.... Here's the link: http://www.icnsales.com/relationships-friends-family/
There are guys out there who do understand, or will at least put forth a good effort trying to! I thank God every day for finding my boyfriend. And you will find your man too (hopefully you have already!). Just take it slow, explain only what needs to be explained, and make sure he knows you really like him and want sex to be pleasurable for BOTH of you!
Feel free to message me anytime. Peace, love, and hugs. xoxox
09-21-2009, 11:02 AM
Hi Erin M,
I would buy that 'please understand' booklet and give it to the man and see what he says. Above all, NEVER have sex if it hurts you -or do something you feel uncomfortable about to 'keep' him. If he truly cares about you, he will be understanding, careful and gentle with you.
I have been married nearly six years and I got IC about three years ago.
At first I tried to 'push past' the pain but I soon realised that this was stupid! My beautiful husband found it hard at first to have sex less often and not try different positions, but he hates seeing me in pain. I end up resenting him if I 'endure it', even though it is not his fault, it is mine for pretending its okay when its not.
We have since worked out a great equilibrium, he approaches me but I can feel free to say no - he takes a lot of time in foreplay and has worked hard to learn what I like - but understands that some days it hurts no matter how careful he is! He also gets a pleasant surprise some days when I approach him!
I have also come to accept that as married people who need to care for each others needs, sometimes I can be 'selfish' and let him care for me and that sometimes I need to put myself aside to please him - but I never EVER do anything to cause pain - as this will just create resentment and fear and slow my healing.
Hope this helps. Glad you could have sex without pain, be thankful and enjoy it when you can!
09-21-2009, 05:38 PM
Why not come to some agreement on how to handle things if you dont want intercourse. Could you maybe just do oral on him? Would he be content with that? If you are really having a bad flare and just not into things then dont have sex, but if you feel like you want to give to him, but intercourse would be painful that may satisfy him.
02-23-2010, 07:42 AM
Hi there, I was crying as I read your wonderful posts, for even at 53 (I look 43) I am asking myself the same questions!!
Since my marriage break up in 1996 (not related to IC) I've lived by myself, had a couple of relationships (not live-in) and have recently (Nov 09) met a lovely man, and have started a great relationship.
Then...over the last weeks the IC has hit again!! When we met I told him about my CFS/ME (Chronic fatigue syndrome) and now I've had to tell him about this. He lives in another town and he's coming up to mine in 2 weeks. The sex has been great but this IC will change things and I'm doubting myself, feeling guilty etc, although he's prepared to see me through it :-)
He's not a one of these sex mad males (yes even older men can be) but we were forming a comfortable routine and now I don't want to disappoint him or myself! I know we'll get through this and I will get some relief in time.
Jenjen05 I think your post is so empowering and your wisdom is far greater than your age so many thanks. I'll certainly have a look at that book :-)
Lesley (New Zealand)
06-24-2010, 04:18 PM
I was reading this for advice because I just started dating a guy. I have had IC for two years, but the last guy I dated was already a pretty close friend and knew I had medical problems. I'm usually pretty upfront with people about my IC because it makes my life easier - that way they don't take it personally when I don't eat their food or have to cancel on them last minute when I'm not feeling good, but I don't really want to do that in this situation. So thanks for the different advice! I feel similarly to Erin, that I will wind up telling him sooner rather than later to explain some of my behaviors (my IC is moderate-severe at times), but waiting a month or so would be good to give each other some time to know each other. I have often wondered how I would ever have sex with IC and have shied away from dating and intimacy because of it :( Now after reading some past posts from you wonderful ICers I find some hope that I can find a guy (even young) who will be with me! While reading the posts I almost thought it would be a bonus to tell a guy, you know it's kind of painful to have typical, routine sex, so we're going to have to do some experimenting. :P
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