Elderly parent

[VickiB]

I thought it was hard as the child of an elderly parent going through the stage where the mind was compromised. (Dementia with my Mother) It's so hard to accept, to remain calm in dealing with all the stuff that comes up. It was especially hard for my sister.

Now my hubby is dealing with something similar with his Mother. Two sons, Both on the west coast while Mom is back east. Rather than accepting what's going on they're starting to bicker about what the other should've done differently. Tonight I made the mistake of saying to my husband that it isn't unuual for siblings to take their frustrations out on one another in this kiind of situation. Hey, it's true, and just pointing out something they need to guard against,...I spent a lot of time reading back when I went through it!

Now I'm in the doghouse for saying my husband is at fault (?). I don't think I said anything like that! -But it kind of makes my point, I guess, although getting mad at me won't change anything. His Mom still can't figure out the TV remote and there isn't a whole lot they can do about it from 3000 miles away.

Calgon, take me away!

[kadi]

Yes, I see this a lot with my friends & their elderly parents.

It makes me sad to see one of my dear coworker friends visit her mother daily at the convalescent hospital after my friend has already worked a long hard day, take her to her multiple dr/dentist/hair appointments, get constant phone calls from the hospital, drop all her plans when her mom is hospitalized again, and THEN get criticized by her well meaning relatives who live in other states and vist her mom maybe once a year!

I think elder care is one of the hardest things we can go through...

[leelee88]

I know this has to be hard.. (((hugs)))

[VickiB]

Thanks for the replies, -and hugs. I needed it! My first gut response was to smack my hubby upside the head. Well, not really. But I was tempted to say something to him that was best left un-uttered. Instead I came in here and typed out my frustration. Misspelling & all.

Thing is, they're both decent, intelligent, and caring men. This bickering is absurd. Neither one would mess with Mother's remote :lmao::bonk::lmao: I mean really, how dumb of a thought is that anyway? But I guess it's more comforting to believe that than the reality that her mental state is deteriorating to the extent that a simple thing like a remote has become too complicated.

Anyway, this is new territory for me. This is their Mother by birth, only mine by marriage. Perhaps I'd best sit this out as best I can. It's just so hard to see this rift occurring.

Kids eh?

Thanks again,
Vicki

[Goldfinch]

The brothers are probably both just really anxious about what the near future will bring, and taking it out on each other. When a parent--especially one that's long distance--is sick or needy or worse, disoriented, it makes you feel so helpless.

Knock on wood, my mother is in NY and she's 91, living alone and doing really well. But I'm here, and my brother, who is in CT, has CFS and won't be much help when the time comes. I'm enjoying her good health while it lasts, but know I won't be prepared when things start going south, and my husband will have to put up with my nuttiness and anxiety. Just a matter of time. Take care, Vicki!

[SharonA]

I don't have an advice, but I can give you a cyber hug. (((Hug)))

[ICNDonna]

:grouphug: I know this is tough to deal with. I wish I could help.

Donna

[dg2901]

My MIL is suffering from dementia and alzheimers. This has been slowly getting worse over the last 10 yrs, and regardless of what anyone said to her spouse, siblings & children they'd all deny anything was wrong. She was getting lost, forgetting words, telling the same stories over and over again, etc--y'all know the drill. it wasnt until this past October that her kids accepted the fact that something wasnt right and started to intervene. This too, of course started ruffling feathers about who's doing how much and for how long etc. Its all so stupid to me! Our parents were here for us until they couldnt be anymore yet kids dont want to stop their so-called important lives to help when the parents need it. Children need to help their parents while they have the chance---one day that chance will be gone!

Hopefully the children get their heads straight and can work something out very soon.

[VickiB]

Yes, it is really hard! Whether it's illness of the mind or body (sometimes both!) I would guess most of us will have to experience this to some degree with our parents. There certainly don't seem to be any easy answers!

Like the friend Kadi mentioned, and dg's family, criticism and bad feelings seem all too common in this situation. I suppose it's the stress, but it's so counter-productive, and yes, as said, really stupid!

dg, you'd mentioned that your MIL's decline has been apparent for the past ten years while family members seemed to deny it. That too seems common. Does your MIL live near you?

[Mrs. Peel]

We are going through something pretty similar, except that we are the caregivers.

Just remember that inlaws with sick parents do and say things that surprise them as much as is surprises you. The only right thing to say to anyone is "You did a great job with [x]."

[VickiB]

The only right thing to say to anyone is "You did a great job with [x]."
That is very good advice. Positive comments can do wonders!

[kuntrygurl78]

Im a CNA in a nursing home. Ive been a CNA since June. I love what I do. Dementia patients can be very...interesting?? a good word maybe. Its like Forest Gump said. You never know what you are going to get from one day to the next or even one minute to the next.

I have seen how even those with dementia that cannot tell you the names of their children, seem conforted and calmed with a visit. Some act so lost when their loved one leaves! Dementia can be very hard and scary. I just encourage you to do like everyone else said and be positive and encouraging with your husband's family. I know that youve been thru this with your own mother, but if you have any questions, feel free to ask me!