I am such a loser!

[luvsterriers]

How many of your ladies have cried when you had to get pap smear? It makes it worse for me not only because of the IC but because I haven't done anything. The doctor just touched me down there and that was painful. I grabbed the side of the hospital bed in pain. I didn't cry but I did say it hurts. :( I feel like a stupid idiot. Pap smears should be simple and quick, right? The doctor is looking down there and sticks something. But I never did anything so of course it will be painful? But this crying at my age is just insane. :(

[kadi]

Hi Anna,
I think those tests just plain hurt. And a friend of mine who is a doctor herself (and has had a baby) says they are painful for her as well. Yes, I've cried (and I've thrown up afterwards- that was really embarrassing at the time). I now have a very careful doctor who uses a pediatric speculum, opened sideways to not press on my bladder. It's still very very uncomfortable, though.
Please don't be mean to yourself about crying, I think lots of patients have cried also & I've done it myself.
I think it's great you got the test done to take care of yourself. I also think you deserve a treat of some sort-- ice cream? favorite video? home pedicure?
Sending a hug,

[kiffy313]

First off: You are not a loser!!! You are a person with a disease that can and often is painful...I totally understand what you mean about the pain. Unfortunately with IC and PFD and Vulvar Vestib, ANYthing getting close to "there" hurts...and I know that is something that a lot of us battle. My Ob-Gyn uses the smallest speculum she has, it is warm, and plenty of lubrication...which does help...she also is aware of the pain, and is as gentle as she can be...we usually try and talk, or even "joke" during the procedure to try and help me relax...one trick I have learned is if you are talking, then you can't be holding your breath, so that helps with the "take deep breaths and try to relax"...I usually come home and straight to the shower or bath with me...whatever works for you...I hope you feel better soon...and remember you are not alone...and not a loser...
:pray:
Kif

[Dakota]

Hi Anna
I just want to second what these ladies have already said, and to tell you that no way are you a loser! When I had my last pap smear done, I broke down and cried. All I could think of was why does it hurt when I've had so many done before with no pain. I've also had two children a long time ago, and didn't even cry while I was in labor. My Gyn was upset and did his best to try and comfort me. He made some suggestions for meds and told me he completely understood my discomfort and tears. I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one that feels the pain. I agree with Kif, to try a warm bath. Please remember you are not alone so be kind to yourself.
Best wishes,
Dakota

[Mrs. Peel]

I know it's physically and emotionally painful, but at least you're back with us. I was a little worried when you decided to leave.

[luvsterriers]

All my primary care doctor did is touch down there, didn't even go in. That was too painful for me. Strange thing is that few years ago I saw a female gyno and she touched me down there and I was fine. My grandma told me that a female doctor did a pap smear and my grandma says she bled and was in pain. So I guess don't matter if your doctor is male or female. It's the matter of how they do the exam. But my primary care doctor has a friend that is a gyno and he will ask if someone like me needs to do a pap smear. I have no plans to ever get married and have children. I have a learning disability and aspergers which makes making friends and boyfriends extremely hard. I have dated in the past in high school and college, but I just wanted to have a guy that's all. I couldn't stand a relationship. So basically I will be celibate forever. This IC, my LD and aspergers and my anxiety makes it hard. Actually I prefer dogs over children any time.

[ICNDonna]

If you feel more comfortable with a female doctor, by all means that is what you should do. We need to do as much as we can to make medical examinations as pleasant as possible.

:grouphug:
Donna

[luvsterriers]

On top of all this, my grandma passed away only 3 weeks ago. She was 94 years old and died of natural causes. She died at my eldest aunt's house. This is my mom's mom that died. I'm half Korean/half white. So I almost did go to Seoul to attend the funeral, but I would have been way too distraught to handle a 16 hour flight, so I didn't go. This is the 2nd death of a loved one for me. I'm still grieving over my grandpa's death who was dad's dad. My grandpa died Nov 2008. But he suffered for 4 years. My grandma was in no pain when she passed. The pastor came by my eldest aunt's house and sang hymns and said a prayer. My aunt knew that death was near. When the pastor left, within hours my grandma passed away. My cousin left us a phone message at our home. Two people that I loved dearly are now gone, and with all this grief and stress, now my dog is sick. He's all alone today since mom has to work and so do I, and dad is on business trip. I HATE leaving him home alone. I know it sounds crazy, but I want to find a vet job. I want to be able to bring Timmy to work with me. :(

[ophelia33]

How many of your ladies have cried when you had to get pap smear? It makes it worse for me not only because of the IC but because I haven't done anything. The doctor just touched me down there and that was painful. I grabbed the side of the hospital bed in pain. I didn't cry but I did say it hurts. :( I feel like a stupid idiot. Pap smears should be simple and quick, right? The doctor is looking down there and sticks something. But I never did anything so of course it will be painful? But this crying at my age is just insane. :(

Hi, I'm okay w/ the paps, but I want to cry from the embarrassment of having to spread my legs all the times for paps, pelvics, instills. It is okay to cry at any age. I've done it after a 'rough' pelvic exam just b/c of sheer embarrassment. You are not a stupid idiot. You are human w/ human emotions. If God didn't want us to show tears he would not have given us any. Its those people who can't or are unable to comfort us who are the true idiots.

many hugs,
Ophelia:hi:

[JenAZ07]

Oh hon....don't beat yourself up about crying. I have cried through those procedures. I have had 3 pregnancies in the past few years and they always want to look up there when you are pregnant. Thankfully my usual OB understands about the IC and PFD and how uncomfortable paps and just looking up there is for me so she is really gentle and doesn't use a speculum unless it is absolutely necessary. And if she does need to use one, she uses the smallest size she can possibly find....but it still hurts. When I was in labor...OMG....it hurt so bad for them to stick their fingers in there to see how far dilated I was. I would bawl the whole time. I have a pap scheduled for next month and am already nervous about how bad it is going to hurt....so you are not alone. I also find that talking through the procedure makes it a lot better....kinda takes my mind off it.

(((((hugs)))))) hon. You are not alone.

[JenAZ07]

Also wanted to say.....I am truly sorry about your grandma and grandpa. It is never easy to lose someone you love. (((((hugs)))))

[SharonA]

Anna...I am so sorry to hear about your Grandma. I know it is difficult for you. Sending you lots of (((hugs))).

[LithEruiel]

Anna, I'm very sorry about your grandparents and I hope your dog is ok. I know pets are important family members too (my kitties are).

Honestly, I cry all the time. Lately much of it has been because of my IC. Not because of the physical pain (although I have) but because of the things I can't do because of it and how it makes me feel.

[Zygala87]

Anna you are much stronger then me. When I was first hit with the horror of IC my Doctor wanted to do my yearly PAP test. I told him it was never going to happen, ever! He said it was better then dying of cancer. I told him at least there would be an end to the pain I was in. That sure gave him a heads up as to how bad I was feeling. Of course now that I am 3 years into dealing with this, I am so much better. Elmiron, HYDROS , the diet and pain pills for major flares has changed my mind. It just goes to show there can come to a point when we believe we have had all we intend to put up with. I'm proud of you for being sensible and taking good care of yourself. So what if we cry. They are not in the pain we are in. If they can't understand that, it's their problem not ours. Hugs, Ziggy

[luvsterriers]

I don't have much luck with doctors. They probably think I'm immature because I cry. I'm fine when it comes to vaccines and blood tests though. They don't bother me at all. Even when they stick that stick down my throat I'm fine! But exposing myself down there is very uncomfortable. I will never get married and never had children because of this IC ruining my life. Plus I have anxiety, plus I have aspergers and LD. I did date before, but those didn't work out. I guess when I was in my 20s I wanted a man to love me and just wanted a boyfriend to feel NORMAL. Not anymore. I don't want a man anymore. How can I do anything with a spouse when I'm scared of marriage? I tried Effexor XR which is an anti anxiety medication, but that made my IC worse! Meds for other things makes my IC bad. I hear though that Nexium kinda helps with IC. On top of IC I have acid reflux disease. My health has gone downhill since turning 20. I wish I can go back and be 18 again and start life over when I was truly healthy. Since I was 21 I have had IC. I'm 31 now. I'm more unhealthy than my 94 year old grandma! I worry about everything, and I know stress can cause cancers. I just had a physical exam done, and my cholesterol level was 160 which is good for someone in my age group. I do have Vitamin D deficiency, so I'm to take Vitamin D 400 IU twice a day. I'm not obese at all, and I do work out 3 times a week and walk the dog and walk to work from the subway. I don't know how I lack Vitamin D! I'm in the sun! I walked to school! I walk the dog!

[LithEruiel]

Anna, I know what you mean. I have a great grandmother who's 93 and a great great aunt that's 94 and they're in better health than I am (I'm 25). I've had asthma since I was 7, fortunately it's not severe but I was still treated like a leper because of it when I tried to get insurance. I don't remember what it's like to not have health problems or not have to take medicine everyday. Even before I was diagnosed with asthma I was sick all the time with sinus infections and every time I'd get sick with anything I'd throw up like crazy. I was always getting some weird random infections that no one's ever heard of when I was in elementary school. Even when my mom brought me home from the hospital after I was born I was sick! I don't know why it has to be this way for some of us and a lot of the time it seems like the best people are the ones that have to suffer with health problems. My godmother is a saint and she has more health problems than I can even count. I think modern medicine is both a blessing and a curse - it keeps us alive, but we have to suffer with the things it can't cure yet. I can deal with my other health problems but IC is the one that is the last straw. It's the only one that makes me feel like I freak and I don't know how to deal with it.

I don't know that I'll ever get married either (I decided I didn't want to have kids a long time ago), but I am in a good relationship now and I met him after I was diagnosed with IC, so it is possible. It's definitely not a bad thing to be single though and just take care of yourself. All of my relationships but the current one have not been worth the effort, tears, stress, pain, etc.

Btw, I don't know how long you've been dealing with it, but going to the gyno has gotten so much easier for me, even with male doctors. I was so sick I just stopped caring about it, I just wanted someone to help me. So maybe it will get easier with time. I really like the doctor I see (she's a OB-GYN and also specializes in urogynocology) and everyone in her office (I saw another doctor once when she wasn't available) so it could even be a matter of finding someone you're more comfortable with.

Good luck :grouphug:

[CherylSLP]

Sometimes I hurt and scream (yes, scream) during the exam and sometimes I am fine. It seams to vary based on flare level.

But you are not a loser.

And my consolences on your recent losses. Grief can and has made my anxiety worse and my flares more intense.

[Bekah79]

:grouphug: There's nothing wrong with crying. I'm about you losing your grandma and grandpa so close together.

Keep The Faith:pray:

[luvsterriers]

Today I have pain throughout my whole entire body. I feel so sick. I just got blood tests too and everything came out normal, except I have Vitamin D deficiency. What next?? So I got IC, Acid reflux disease, Vitamin D definiciency, aspergers, LD, depression, anxiety, what else do I need to make life more miserable? I see doctors more often than my elderly relatives! That tells me something is mentally or medically wrong with me. I'm worried sick about my dog too which doesn't help any. A dog is a dog people say, but to me a dog is a member of a family. I wish God can take away anxiety. Better yet take away the LD and aspergers so that I can have friends and be a much much happier and more positive person. I know if I wasn't born with LD or aspergers, I would be making much more money and be more successful than now. I had a dream about this so many times. I would most likely be teaching piano in college if it wasn't for my dumbness of being learning disabled and having aspergers. Mom should have aborted me. :(

[jen74]

I hate getting my pap test. I had to get one earlier this year. I hate it because I get UTI's very easily. I had my pap test and BAM a day later had a UTI!! I know we should get them every year, but I am only getting one every three years!!! My regular primary care doc said if your pap was clear for three years in a row, you can get them every three years, you dont have to go every year. I do not even have sex with my hubby due to the UTI risk and pain. You are NOT a loser at all! You are just in pain and have every reason to cry when someone touches you down there when you are in pain. Dont beat yourself up over that.Anyone in pain like we are would also cry!
Jen

[LithEruiel]

Anna, you are not dumb. I can tell by your posts that you're not. Having a learning disability doesn't make you dumb, you just learn in a different way and there are people in colleges to help you with that. If you've had trouble in school before it may have been because there wasn't anyone to help you or they weren't properly trained to help people with learning disabilities. One of my teacher's sons has short term memory loss due to medication he's on for severe seizures and his school wasn't able to help him. My teacher took him out of school and she home schools him because she has time to go over things with him as much as he needs to until he gets it. He's very smart and places in the 90th percentile on standardized tests now, but the school he went to thought he was dumb. He just needed someone who could teach him in the way he needed to be taught.

I don't think your problems are mental. Everything you mentioned are real medical problems and who wouldn't have some anxiety and depression with everything you're going through. I guess for a lot of us it's just in our DNA to have all these problems, whereas for other people it's not.

I hope you feel better soon. :grouphug:

[kadi]

Hi Anna,
I am a teacher. I've read your posts for awhile, with a bit of special interest because I've had 2 students with Aspergers in the last few years and thought they were great people and delightful students. I can tell from your writing that you are intelligent and you are also very sensitive. I don't see anything "wrong" with you. You have some medical conditions like we do, like all people do... You've gone through a lot in the past year & it's understandable that you would feel very sad & uncomfortable. I hope your dog will be all right. I love my cat & totally understand the love we have for our pets.

It may take some experimenting to find your career niche, but many people with Aspergers do and I do believe there is a place for you. It just may take a little more work to find it.

You've made friends here! I'd be sorry if you didn't come on here to post & I know others would feel the same...

[luvsterriers]

Anyone here who has children or students that have aspergers, learning disability or down syndrome? It doesn't matter if they are kids, teens or adults. Have any of them came up to you and said that if they didn't have their disabilities, that they would be happier and more successful? Also about my grandma she wanted to die knowing that I got married. I didn't give her that promise and now my grandma is gone. I feel so ashamed. She was mom's mom. There are 16 grandkids, and I'm the 14th one. ALL of them are married except for me, so obviously I feel left out, stupid and a low life. What 31 year old still lives at home with his/her parents? What 31 year old is so lonely and has no man in her life? It's the norm to get married and have children and move out of the parents house. I guess I'm not normal then. :( Sometimes I wish I was never born. Mom has 3 sisters and 1 brother. ALL of them have grandkids of their own except for mom. How awful she must feel. On dad's side he has 1 sister. Dad has no grandkids. So my parents have to feel left out, ashamed, and regret ever letting me be born. :(

[LithEruiel]

I know how you feel. Families and society in general put so much pressure on people for their life to follow a "normal" path. I'm not that much younger than you and I live with my mom. I had a lot of problems when I moved out and it was just better this way. This way I can go to school full time also. I feel like you do a lot of the time, but look at how many married people are unhappy. The divorce rate is what, 52%? And so many of the people that stay married are unhappy. At least you aren't stuck in a horrible relationship. There's so much more to life than marriage and many people never get married and are happy. I really hate society, but I tend to feel left out too by not meeting its expectations.

[luvsterriers]

I'm 31, but some think I'm still in college. I guess thats a compliment. Anyways, even some of mom's friends ask me when I'm going to get married. That's totally unfair and rude to ask me that question! Just because their children got married doesn't mean I have to be, right? I don't know if its just a women thing to be so nosy and ask young women those questions, or if it's mostly a asian thing.

[kadi]

Oh, yeah. I've been through that too. I'm 41 and also have not been married. People can be so rude about it! I have a friend who tried to set me up with a guy friend of hers. He was the biggest jerk I've ever gone out with. Two dates with him was more than enough. But, then 6 months later, I went to my friend's baby shower, which was pretty hard anyhow since I had just developed IC & was soooo sick. He came with his new girlfriend. My friend's aunt loudly announced to the entire room of about 30 guests, "Wow, Kadi, you sure let a good one go!" I let myself go (home) at that point. I did, however, win the $5 bet I had placed on the likelihood of her aunt saying something rude about it in public.

Another time, when I was 28 and teaching elementary school, a parent asked me in front of her five children, "Why aren't you married?" Being annoyed, I said, "Hmm, I guess I forgot." Her answer? "How could you forget such a thing? The train has now left the station!" Made the kids laugh their heads off.

Some cultures, I think, feel more open about saying these things than others. I'm fortunate that my family never says anything about my not being married. Only one relative has ever given me a hard time about it & I rarely see him, so that makes it a lot easier.

I'm sorry you've had pressure on this. I understand how rough it can be. I changed churches (and denominations) to find a church that wouldn't spend every single Sunday on the subjects of marriage and raising children and would have enough single people to not feel left out all the time. I rarely attend baby showers or weddings anymore. It's just painful. I'll go if it's a good friend I really love, but the casual invitations from people I rarely ever see, no, not putting myself through it.

There are a lot of plusses to being single without kids & sometimes I wonder if some women who put pressure on other women to be married, have children, are secretly jealous of our freedom. Walking through the grocery store yesterday, I watched several children act so rudely toward their moms & then have screaming tantrums when their mothers imposed well deserved consequences. Watching this, I thought, I have no idea how I'd deal with everything my IC & other medical problems cause me, AND deal with that day-in, day-out. I don't allow myself to think, "What if I didn't have IC or my other conditions?" because that's just not reality. I have IC, it's not optional. Maybe I'll get married someday, maybe not. I refuse to spend my days upset about it, though it does bother me too.

You know, if your family thought there was really something wrong with you or that it's not possible, they probably wouldn't ask about your getting married. It would be a big, fat, scary silence on the topic. Unfortunately, I think you're just getting the same nonsense most of us get. Please don't let it get to you, be nice to yourself. We all go through this... You're not alone.

[luvsterriers]

My cousin for sure looks down on me. She's several years older than me. But the situation she is in, I wouldn't want to be in at all! She got married very young and was pregnant with her first child when she got married. There was one email that she sent me that mentioned that I was lucky that I didn't have a spouse. Maybe they got in a fight? I don't know. I always thought that the key to happiness in life is getting married, especially before you hit 30. But I guess if marriage is happy 100% of the time, then why is divorce rate so high? I know with my aspergers especially marriage will be extremely hard. I have poor communication. It's easier for me to talk on here because I'm not face to face with anyone. I also wonder why some young women who are married, have children, have professional careers die so young. What did they do wrong to deserve such pain, illnesses and then death? I often ask God take me instead! I'm nothing compared to these young women. A 34 year old woman in our church choir passed away last fall. She left behind a spouse, two young daughters, many friends and family too. Why take her? I literally see no bright future ahead of me. Perhaps it was my childhood. In the 1980s I'm sure teachers thought LD or autism meant the child was dumb. In fact I still remember elementary school whenever I aced a assignment, the teacher assumed dad did the work for me. I would love to comfort those teachers and tell them that I have a college degree. Dad didn't go to my college, play piano nor sang soprano. I DID THAT! I hate it when people think just because I have LD or aspergers that I'm a low life or dumb, but yet I believe that I am dumb. I guess people telling me that I'm a low life I do believe them still. I know that my co workers talk about me behind my back, yet they completely deny it. I remember back in the days in gym class where the teacher would pick a lead and that child was to pick who she/he wants in the team. Of course I was never picked. That's sooooooooo wrong to do that to kids! I remember one girl complained and said that she didn't want me in her team. Yet she sang in the childrens choir in the church I go to? She calls herself Catholic?? HA! This is what I will never know. I am Catholic. I NEVER look down on people and make them feel bad. I know when I was bullied and teased in school and now that those people were wrong and have problems. I never did anything to deserve such hatred from people. What is their issue? Is their brains screwed up? How come I know that bullying and teasing someone is wrong? I have LD and aspergers yet I have common sense???

[LithEruiel]

Kadi and Anna, there's so much I agree with and identify with in your posts and I could probably right ten pages about it, but for now I'm just going to say, "I agree." :lmao:

Oh but I'm guess I'm one of the lucky ones and I don't think my family wants me to get married or have kids. I mentioned before how much divorce is in my family and they think I'd probably be better off without! I have had to deal with it from other people though, including the teacher who called me out in class about it because I was the only one in class who didn't have kids.

[luvsterriers]

I always believed the keys to happiness is marriage, having children, getting at least a masters degree, having a professional career, having tons of friends, no medical issues, and especially NO learning disability, down syndrome or autism.

Also I hear if someone isn't married by the time they are 30, then their chances of marriage goes way downhill. :(

If anyone has all that, then their life is 100% perfect :(

I need to grab tissues...sorry :(

[LithEruiel]

That's definitely what society conditions us to believe. It also comes from family a lot of the time - like I said though, my family has given me the opposite opinion of marriage, but I still feel bad a lot of the time about it. I honestly don't want to have children, but people still even make me feel bad about that. My medical issues, not having friends and my current job and financial state give me the biggest issues though. I don't know, I wish it wasn't that way.

[luvsterriers]

I'm going to sign off for good this time. I'm annoying to everyone on the board. All I do is complain, so I will leave now and leave you all in peace.

Take care
Anna

[ICNDonna]

Anna, I look forward to reading your posts. You bring important issues to our attention. For example, a woman doesn't have to be married to have a fulfilling, happy life. My husband's favorite aunt lived to be 90 years old, was a beautiful, creative, loving person and she never married.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[LithEruiel]

Anna, I hope you don't leave. You're not annoying - I agree with you about a lot of things. I need to vent about those things sometimes too. We all know it's hard living with IC and other health problems and that it can have a huge effect on your life and the things you want. I hope you stay and talk with us.