Should I tell him or not?

[skye321]

I need some advice I'm 25 years old and have had IC for three years now. For a year now I have been talking to a guy from Australia on facebook and I really like him. I have dreamed of going to Australia ever since I was little and will go even though I have IC. I will just have to take some pain killers for the flight. Anyway I told him I can't go there till next year because I don't have the money which is true but mostly its because I want to try to get my IC a little better before going. I want to tell him about my IC so he knows why I might be in more pain the first day there after the flight or why I can't eat certain things or drink Im just so scared that he will reject me. Like I said I really like him and look forward everyday to reading e-mails from him. Should I get over my fear and just tell him or should I just keep it to myself?

[Goldfinch]

Personally I wouldn't jump the gun about your IC. First of all, you say you want to wait at least a few months, anyway. And IC isn't a deal-breaker! It's a chronic condition, but it can be managed. Besides, even tho you may feel very close to someone you have been emailing for a while, you've never met, correct? If it were me, I probably wouldn't say anything for now; you don't know how you will be feeling when you do make this big trip in the future. And it would be easy for someone to get a wrong idea about how this disease affects you and those around you when they aren't face to face with your sparkling smile and sense of fun! If you are dying for a vacation down under then it will be worth the trip no matter what happens. And don't feel like it's a deception. Nobody tells anybody everything--especially not until they are absolutely sure the time is right and they have no hesitation. And remember, everyone has something.

[ddktt]

IF you have had it for 3 years you should have a pretty good idea how traveling will affect you. If you don't make a big deal out of it he won't--it will be your attitude that will control it. If he likes you this won't matter. If he doesn't may as well find out. Let go. Maybe he could come here first.

Be matter of fact that this is part of who you are right now, but it does not define you. Don't go into a lot of detail "Hi - Don't be surprised when I get first get there if I'm a little subdued. Sometime my bladder bothers me if I sit for a long time. I also don't eat certain foods".

Good luck and have fun! A Mom

[leelee88]

I guess that is where I am different.. I believe IC is a part of me. And I believe if I was not married and dating I would be upfront with any person I was talking to..I mean yes I would get to know them first.. But soon after I would tell them.. IF they cannot accept what I have then they can not accept me..

[SharonA]

Many years ago when I first met the man who was to become my husband, I had to tell him that, if things became serious between us, I could never give him a child of his own. I felt it only right to be upfront with this fact before either of us put a lot of our heart and soul into what might become a serious relationship. I felt he had the right to know this from the start.

It turned out well. We were married 6 weeks after meeting. We will have been married 29 years this coming October 4. He became a father to my then 10 year old son. He still considers Steven to be his son.

I don't know if that will be any help to you while you make this decision, but, even if it had turned out badly, I still feel that I made the right decision to be upfront with something that could affect him so directly.

You must do what your heart tells you to do. You know you and your situation so much better than any of us do. Whatever you decide to do, I hope for the best to come from this situation.

(((Hugs)))...

[KarenAnne]

I agree with Ronda & Sharon. You have been talking to this guy for a year now. If he really likes you too, then he should accept you as you are. You have nothing to be ashamed of. And if you tell him & he rejects you? Then it is better to find out now rather then in Australia.

(Sorry to be so forward, but he could send you a plane ticket if you can not afford one. Or he could fly here to meet you.)

[psj]

I am 23 and was diagnosed with IC last year. I would probably mentioned your IC to him... just briefly what it is and how it affects you/what your needs are. But I wouldn't start going into too many details unless he asks.

I told my current boyfriend on our very first date that I had a bladder problem. We were having a picnic in a park and I asked if we could find a spot to sit near a restroom. It was the best decision ever! Having told him about my IC, I was able to relax and enjoy the date :-) My boyfriend was really understanding, and even told me about one of his own health problems :-)

I travel quite a bit too. I have a trip coming up in 2 weeks. I still feel a bit nervous about traveling, but so far everything has always worked out. I ask for a seat near the restroom when I am flying, and bring a pillow to sit on.

Good luck - Australia is a beautiful place to visit!

[skye321]

I havn't told him yet but need to soon I just wanted to wait till I had the exploritory sugery to be 100% sure. He brought up sex and said that he likes it twice a day so we obviously can only be friends because I can't have sex that often. :( thank you everyone for your feedback :) It sucks but you guys are right if he really does care about me then he will be with me no matter what.

[Goldfinch]

If anyone feels it necessary to tell me how many times a day they like to have sex and I've never even met them in the flesh, I wouldn't step into an elevator with them, let alone go halfway across the world to meet.

[ICNDonna]

I think I might be a little wary --- at least check him out before visiting.

Donna

[Zygala87]

If you are bound to take that long trip just because of a stranger you meant on Facebook please check him out as much as possible. Maybe ask if you can call him. Tell your family all about him. He maybe a wonderful friend or could be a total phoney. Be careful. If you are taking the trip to enjoy the Country have a wonderful time. I'd tell him a little bit about IC and let him look it up himself on the net. If he does not want to deal with it you will find out soon. I'm not trying to rain on your parade I just want you to be safe. One just needs to listen to the news each day to know how important that is. A lot of crazies out there. Keep us posted. I hope everything works out perfect for you. Hug, Ziggy

[statesboro]

I am a dude with IC that lives alone. (or on my parent's property and still seperate) Anyhow, I have been with some women since being diagnosed. (and no studmuffin here) Regardless, I am not afraid to tell anybody about my IC. Besides, I can't usually go to a restaurant without having to get up.(whether or not I want to) I would want the other person to be aware. I try to make that the case as well. I don't just get online and mention IC during a first chat. (although I don't chat as much anymore) Ok. I have even had profiles on different sites where I did mention IC.(and on my classmates page now)Yep! I don't come out and say I want to have sex twice a day. Of course, I could not handle all that.(with IC and CFS and so forth) If you can't deal with that, then he may try to find a female that can. What do I know? I do know men can be like that. Yep! He wanted for you to know. He may not be happy that you can't deal. Ok. If he still likes you well enough, he should be able to deal. Regardless, I have not had problems with women being acceptive of me so far.(and no Cassanova here) I am still alone. Ok. I have got to be going on now. That will be all now.

[skye321]

He's not the reason I want to go to Australia, I've wanted to go since I was a little girl. I've never told anyone about my Ic before other then my family, I havn't even told my best friend (how stuppied is that). I just figured I would start with him because if he rejects me its not like I ever have to see him. If I do still want to meet him in Australia I will have my sisters with me and I am going to find out as much as possible about him. Thanxs for all the advice. I enjoy hearing back from everyone. :)

[dg2901]

I was going to AUS 2 years ago to meet in person someone I met online (not a man though)! I had arranged for my family back home to know my every move; have phone access at all times (our cell phones work internationally and we have extremely cheap rates); was staying in a hotel; and was meeting this person in public places. This is even after we'd established a 2 year friendship via internet, phone & snail mail. Even thought I felt I could trust this person as everything checked out with them, there was still the uneasiness of being in a foreign country alone, completely unaware of how things work there (peoples personalities, the laws, etc). Unfortunately I decided to change my plans at the last minute and stay home--something just wasnt feeling right about the whole thing.
There is no way I would divulge anything personal to a male that I havent met; nor would I be planning on him knowing where I am staying once arriving. Any and all meetings would be in a very public place. Its wise that you'll be traveling with your sisters--at least that way theres safety in numbers.

[starflight]

I agree with Gold,'

[Stella1609]

It's definitely a good idea to keep in touch with people back home, and to make sure they have this guy's information--heck, maybe you could make plans to have a girlfriend go with you? That being said, I have met the last two men I've had long-term relationships with online (my ex-husband, who I was with for seven years, and my current boyfriend who I have been with three years). I've had to explain IC to lots of new friends and coworkers--I can usually make it a joke when we first go out, like "Sure we can, if you don't mind finding a bathroom every half hour or so." Maybe you can bring it up when he suggests places you guys can go?