future relationship...w/ IC??

[ophelia33]

Hi, I'm newly divorced (final July 9th), although my husband walked out 2 years ago. I have no children and I'm currently not in any state to be in a relationship b/c of the IC. I wonder though, how am I supposed to meet a man w/ this disease. My ex-husband showed NO compassion for the pain that comes along w/ IC and at one point even "demanded" sex twice per week. He didn't get it from me--I couldn't deliver on that one. My mom says no man waits more than 5 weeks for sex (comment regarding why men cheat).

If I even think of having another relationship I think to the intimacy part and then in defeat think "just forget it". Its almost like I feel the need to wear a sign that says "damaged goods" on it or else I'll be a "tease" for leading him on--letting him think I'm one of those "normal" women who like sex. Truth is, I don't like sex. It is uncomfortable b/c of the IC and then there is the fear of a UTI which I've gotten a few times through intimacy. I really would like the feeling of a partner. I have no one to hold me, touch me, cuddle w/ me...nothing. I'm so alone w/ this. My ex-husband is living his "new" life still w/ the girl he left me for (or cheated on me with). And I'm left alone wondering how the heck I'm even supposed to have a relationship.

How the heck am I supposed to even meet someone yet alone hold an intimate relationship?

hugs,
Ophelia

p.s. I could just cry...I have, it does no good.:shake:

[ICNDonna]

When you begin to feel a little better, please try to get out to any kind of activities that involve people near your age. And think about just making friends for a while.

You will have better days. It can take time to find treatment options that work and to learn which foods and drinks are a problem, but most of us do get there.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[ophelia33]

When you begin to feel a little better, please try to get out to any kind of activities that involve people near your age. And think about just making friends for a while.

You will have better days. It can take time to find treatment options that work and to learn which foods and drinks are a problem, but most of us do get there.

Warm hugs,
Donna

Hi, Donna,
I think we don't really know how much social interaction helps us until we don't have much. Being on disability is so solitary and yet I hear people all the time telling me how lucky I am to not have to work. I just say it's not all it's cracked up to be.

I am very lacking in the friends area and really do need some more. Thanks for the support. I really do want to get this IC under control along w/ my depression and get back into society.

thanks for the hugs, hugs,
Ophelia:hi:

[Julie B]

Ophelia,

This is a great time in your life to take care of yourself. It may be hard to believe right now based on your experience, but just scour the boards for the good relationship stories. There are many men out there who know what real love is all about.

Hang in there and take care of you, ok?

[ophelia33]

Ophelia,

This is a great time in your life to take care of yourself. It may be hard to believe right now based on your experience, but just scour the boards for the good relationship stories. There are many men out there who know what real love is all about.

Hang in there and take care of you, ok?

Hi, Julie,
Thanks, and hugs,
Ophelia:hi:

[IC SARAH-CPP]

I was in a similar situation to you because I was married for a very long time and was dxed with IC while I was married. My ex husband was pretty understanding about the whole thing but I was able to have an active sex life with him. When I didn't he became upset!!

I was alone for a long time and have started dating recently. It is hard, I won't lie. I have already gotten hurt a couple times but you know what, I find it is worth it. I am dating a really nice man right now and he knows about the whole thing. He is very sweet.

The thing I have found is that when you date later in life, we all have issues!! We are ALL bringing "baggage" to the table. That makes us more understanding. Some people have kids, some emotional issues, some money issues and some health issues.

I have also found that with this man that things can be very exciting in the beginning stages, if you know what I mean? It is different from when I was with my husband. And he is more than willing to take things slowly. That is part of the fun!!! And there is lots of snuggling, kissing and touching. I spent the night at his house many times before we actually had sex.

So my advice is that if you don't feel ready, then don't push yourself. I went out with girlfriends, went to political meetings, just anything to meet people and get out of the house. I was not ready to date yet. Then I met a guy and went out with him and he hurt me really bad. That scared me for awhile but I got over it! And I will tell you what, I am having the time of my life now!

Hang in there hun,
Sarah

[kadi]

Hi Ophelia,
I'm in the same boat as far as relationships go & after a conversation on this topic, my mom gave me this article. It is the best answer I've seen anywhere & I think it's what my pastor calls "Living in reality, with hope".
Sending a hug,
Kadi

"You need a Plan A and B and C" by Carolyn Hax, 5/26/09
http://www.contracostatimes.com/ci_12421858?source=rss

[ophelia33]

I was in a similar situation to you because I was married for a very long time and was dxed with IC while I was married. My ex husband was pretty understanding about the whole thing but I was able to have an active sex life with him. When I didn't he became upset!!

I was alone for a long time and have started dating recently. It is hard, I won't lie. I have already gotten hurt a couple times but you know what, I find it is worth it. I am dating a really nice man right now and he knows about the whole thing. He is very sweet.

The thing I have found is that when you date later in life, we all have issues!! We are ALL bringing "baggage" to the table. That makes us more understanding. Some people have kids, some emotional issues, some money issues and some health issues.

I have also found that with this man that things can be very exciting in the beginning stages, if you know what I mean? It is different from when I was with my husband. And he is more than willing to take things slowly. That is part of the fun!!! And there is lots of snuggling, kissing and touching. I spent the night at his house many times before we actually had sex.

So my advice is that if you don't feel ready, then don't push yourself. I went out with girlfriends, went to political meetings, just anything to meet people and get out of the house. I was not ready to date yet. Then I met a guy and went out with him and he hurt me really bad. That scared me for awhile but I got over it! And I will tell you what, I am having the time of my life now!

Hang in there hun,
Sarah

Hi, Sarah,
Thanks for being open and honest about your situation. At times it doesn't seem I'll ever meet anyone. I took my time to begin w/ finding my ex-husband and wasn't married until 27. Engaged twice before that. That was before IC. I'm sure there are a lot of nice guys out there, but to be honest, I haven't found one yet!

I need some friends first and I'll keep looking, it's hard being alone.

thanks and hugs,
Ophelia:hi:

[ophelia33]

Hi Ophelia,
I'm in the same boat as far as relationships go & after a conversation on this topic, my mom gave me this article. It is the best answer I've seen anywhere & I think it's what my pastor calls "Living in reality, with hope".
Sending a hug,
Kadi

"You need a Plan A and B and C" by Carolyn Hax, 5/26/09
http://www.contracostatimes.com/ci_12421858?source=rss

Hi, Kadi,
I just got done reading the article. I can understand that as we get older we do carry more stuff w/ us and everyone probably has something to deal w/. I just can't wait until my ex-husband has something to deal w/. He went to 'have his cake and eat it too'. His exact words. I am still bitter and its been 2 years since i even saw him.

I hope in good time someone wants to be w/ me. I don't like solitary lifestyles.

hugs and hope we find someone really nice.

ophelia:hi:

[kadi]

Me too!

[LithEruiel]

Ophelia, I identify a lot with what you're going through. I've never been married, but I was in a long term relationship and living with my (now) ex boyfriend. During the time we lived together I was having a horrible time with chronic urinary/vaginal infections and was eventually diagnosed with IC, so needless to say there was very little sex. He said he was ok with it, but it has to have put stress on things. I was very stressed out because of my medical problems, my job, lack of money, etc. and he avoided me when I was upset instead of being supportive. I ended up having somewhat of a breakdown and he left. I was devastated and moved back to my home town and back into my mom's house.

I really didn't see how I could have a relationship again, my life was such a total mess. I don't have any friends here - I never had many friends to begin with and they've all moved away and on with their own lives - I'm very bad at meeting people and making friends so I was basically just going to work and sleeping and not doing much of anything. After a couple months I decided to go on match.com again (I had met my ex b/f online as well) with the intention of not starting a relationship, but just to find people to talk to and possibly meet if all seemed ok. I felt like I've always felt the need to go out with just one guy and see if he was the "one" and it's always ended badly, so why not talk to a lot of people and not get too serious about it. Well that didn't end up happening. Most of the people I talked to on match were just plain annoying and totally wrong for me. I did end up meeting a great guy though and we've been together almost 7 months now. He's very supportive about my IC and other health issues.

My biggest issue with IC is how much I go to the bathroom (even though I'm on oxybutynin). It really interferes with my life and embarrasses me (I'm only 25). I tell my b/f all the time that I feel like a freak and he assures me that I'm not and is always really good about talking me through it. I went to an amusement park Friday with my b/f and his friends and I was having a bad IC week and had to pee after almost every ride I went on (with the wait in line and all). I ended up starting to cry and he couldn't have been more supportive about the whole thing. A lot of people, especially those around my age don't understand the whole IC thing and how I can't drink and smoke or be around smoke (I have asthma as well) and basically tell me I'm no fun.

Basically my point in talking about this is that even though you may feel insecure about your health issues and there are people that don't understand, it doesn't make it impossible to find someone who does understand and will support you no matter what. Ophelia, I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel like you'd been leading someone on for letting them think you're "normal." I feel anything but normal, but my b/f doesn't care that I'm not normal - it's really not a factor in our relationship. I'm a really pessimistic person when it comes to relationships (I've had a lot of bad ones and almost everyone in my family that has been married has also been divorced), but good relationships do exist, even among those who are not "normal." I'm not saying I'm going to get married and have a fairy-tale life from now on, but I tried to put myself out there and for now at least it worked out. And if it doesn't work out I know it's still possible even with IC. I wish you the best Ophelia!

[CherylSLP]

Please take this time to take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself et al. And please don't take your mom's advice or comment to heart. No matter how old we are, our parent's still have a lot of influence on us, both good and bad. But your mother is wrong. I have never met or dated a man who wouldn't wait 5 weeks (re: they all would) or longer.

When we think something negative of ourselves, like we aren't worth it, we attract people who confirm those negative thoughts. When we think positive things, we attract those who confirm it (and don't tolerate thoe who don't). It is very important to learn to love and take care of ourselves and surround ourselves with those who treat us well. As you do this, you may find yourself attracted to a different kind of man, one who waits and treats you with respect.

[babygirlh1]

Dear Ophelia,

I offer no advice, I have none to give. I believe that I am in a very similar situation. My last boyfriend of over 2 years cheated on me multiple times. We broke up a couple of years ago and I have had yet to date anyone more than once. I stopped trying. Years ago I went to a therapist when I was contemplating disability. She walked me through a visualization exercise to see how my life would be if I went on disability. The outcome was that I would be completely alone and I did not want that myself. Every day, I fight to get out of bed and make it through the day at my job. My friends all have children and/or are married. They have little time to do anything with me other than talk on the phone about their children. :cussing: This is certainly not the life I wanted for myself, but it is what I have been dealt. I can only take it one day at a time. The only thing I have to offer to you is my listening ears if you need them. Please take care of yourself, I believe you are worth it!