How to decline gracefully?

[kadi]

I could use some suggestions on this one...

Maybe a month ago or so, I was invited to an old friend's 40th b'day party at an Asian seafood restaurant in the City (an hour away & horrible parking). I'm allergic to all forms of seafood & soy, and never even go into restaurants like that. There was not even one item on the menu safe for me & with the cutting boards, pans & cross contamination, it is too dangerous. I emailed my friend & told her I was sorry, but my food allergies & IC made an outing like that impossible, but I'd love to see her this summer for "coffee" & wished her a happy birthday. No answer.

June 15th, I received another invite for a new party for her 40th. This time in another city (again an hour away), for hors deurves, drinks, dancing & the invite said more details to follow. I decided to wait for the more details to see if it would be manageable. No new details have been posted, but her husband called & left a rather pushy message on my voicemail last night wanting me to rsvp.

I might be able to IC/allergy manage this one, but I looked at the guest list & everyone who has rsvp-ed yes is a couple & I don't know anyone. Before IC (maybe 7 years ago), I went to one of her parties & spent the entire evening alone. The women snubbed me & a few of their husbands felt bad & talked to me, which then brought the women over to hang on their husbands' arms & say snarky things (which was completely ridiculous, I'm not interested in their husbands). Add to this a cultural gap, I was then & would be now the only one not of their culture.

I don't want to go. What is a polite way out of this, with minimal lying?
I would truly love to see my old friend again, but not under these circumstances.

[SharonA]

Is it possible that you could go to this party, but only stay a little while...like 15 minutes or so? Just long enough so you can say "happy birthday" to her personally, give her a card, and add a "let's get together very soon". I have found that, at most occasions like these, there really isn't much personal time with the guest of honor because so many other people are there wanting her/his attention.

[kadi]

No, I really don't want to spend an hour in the car each way, plus the hassle of downtown parking just to spend 15 minutes.
I have her address somewhere, maybe I should just mail a card...

[dyno]

An hour away is a long way to go each way. I suggest the card and maybe say that something to the effect that you would love to get together sometime over the summer but you are sorry you can't make it to the party, period.

She doesn't have to know the reason, you just can't make it.

[ICNDonna]

How about a card and maybe a small gift certificate (Starbucks maybe?) along with a note that you are very sorry you won't be able to attend, but hope you can get together some time during the summer.

Donna

[kadi]

Hi,

I just rsvp-ed no to the Evite & decided to send what you suggested via email. I would have preferred the card but since her husband was sounded urgent on the voicemail he left me last night, I think they need the answer right now & I didn't want to just click "no" without some communication to soften it a bit.

After so much time with IC & turning down so many things, you'd think it would get a bit easier!! I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but sometimes get overwhelmed, especially when it's people who don't really understand my life with IC is not the same as my life before IC. My main reasons for no to this one were not IC related, but the IC would have made it a much more difficult evening...

I feel better now that it's done. Thank you for helping:)