Tips on social eating for a newbie? Any good, quick ways to refuse food?

[belou]

So I'm on the strict IC diet. It took me awhile to get used to the diet, but I have. Grocery shopping is no longer a somber and intimidating event. I bring my lunch to work every day which is something I've tried and failed at in previous years to save money. On the whole I'm chuggin' along just fine.

However, today my work group had a mini pre-meeting surprise of apple pie and sparkling cider celebrating my first year with the group. It kinda sucked to be sitting there with no plate and an empty glass as everybody else chowed down. I really did appreciate the sentiment, but I felt socially awkward not eating. Like I didn't appreciate the surprise.

These social events are killing me.

When people ask me why I'm not eating I tell them I'm on a strict medical diet. But that just seems to open the door to more invasive questioning. What do you guys say?

Recently I had to go out for a wedding dinner at a French restaurant. When I asked for the ingredients of a dish citing allergy concerns, the waiter asked me about my allergies. Though I can recognize a forbidden ingredient, I haven't memorized the list. And it would be quite unwieldy to recite it to the waiter anyway. Does anybody have any tips on interacting with waiters?

And lastly, does this get any easier? Watching other people eat food I used to eat, or hearing people talk about all the choices on the menu is driving me nuts. I don't like anxiously picking through my order to make sure it is safe to eat. Though I am fine passing these items at the grocery store, in a social setting I find it torturous. I feel horrible at these events and I don't like how short-tempered and self-pitying I become.

I am finding easier on my sanity to avoid social food situations to the extent I can, but my wife thinks I'm being anti-social. I really hope I can figure out how to make this work.

[kadi]

Immediate change of subject is the tactic I use most often "Oh, I ate already, so how long have you lived in the Bay Area? Or "I have food allergies, don't worry about it. I'm happy to hang out with you guys. So when did you join our church?"

If they zero in on the food thing even after that, I go to, "Thanks for asking, but it's not my favorite topic. But I'd like to talk about something else..." (then suggesting the other topic).

I actually practiced these lines with my best friend over & over again with her becoming more & more nosy each time. She told me later that practicing it with me made her realize even more clearly how uncomfortable it is for me. And I became more comfortable with saying it & even smiling at the same time.

All that said, I can do this when I'm up to it. But, there are times I just can't do it over & over again, like at Christmas when there are so many invitations. Then I pick & choose the events where I really want or need to see those particular people & let the other invitations go. I don't feel bad about that anymore, but I don't really expect anyone else to understand. It's rarely the one event, it's the having to do it over & over again that's so upsetting.

Good luck! You're not alone, I think the social limitations are the hardest part of IC, but they sure have taught me who my true friends are... And I feel twice as blessed to have them in my life:)

[sgoodrow]

Belou,

I can really sympathize with you as far as the social situations go with food. I just finished nursing school and now searching for a job so I don't have to deal with food situations at work yet. But when I go out to a restaurant or go to a social gathering with friends or family I feel awkward and uncomfortable when asking so many detailed questions about food. It's probebly not good but I have really limited my social life and just stay in a lot of the time. kadi has some good ideas about changing the subject when asked about food.

take care, stephanie

[VickiB]

today my work group had a mini pre-meeting surprise of apple pie and sparkling cider celebrating my first year with the group
What a nice work group you have! But, yeah, I can certainly see where your not indulging would make for an uncomfortable situation!

What I do or say really depends on who's asking. If it's a complete stranger I'll say I have a medical condition that requires avoiding certain foods. If they press further I'll say "ulcers". Most people are familiar with stomach ulcers and they have always let it go at that. If it's someone I know reasonably well asking, I will tell them I have IC. If they want to know more I'll give them a very brief description explaining that certain foods cause me pain.

In the case of eating at restaurants, if possible, I try to weigh the 'where' before accepting the invitation. Of course, sometimes I just can't say no, or I don't know the where beforehand. Then I'll go, try to choose wisely from the menu, take Prelief, and cross my fingers. Should my plate come with questionable items or known culprits I'll just leave them on the plate and if asked say I'm full.

Eating in a social group setting can be difficult and I don't know if it ever gets easy. I'm not sure most of my self-consciousness isn't coming from myself,...does anybody else really care what I do or don't eat? I doubt it.

I do always keep Prelief or Tums on hand and take it if I didn't prepare the food -just in case. I don't trust my bladder to anyone!

Vicki

[KarenAnne]

I have used the excuse that others on here have suggested, that I have alot of food allergies. (Which I do anyway) I mean, it was really nice of your co-workers to do that for you, but alot of people are allergic to apples so they did take a chance by serving apple pie & cider. I have had success at restaurants by telling my server that I have alot of allergies & they are always very nice & will go back to the kitchen to check the ingredients. I have been ordering steak with no seasoning, burgers, etc., things I know will be plain. I just watch out for my big diet no-no's. It has gotten easier & now I am happy I can at least go out. You will eventually figure out the foods that make you flare, be able to add foods back, & be comfortable eating out again. Hang in there.

[ICNDonna]

I usually just say "No, thank you" and if someone persists, I will tell them I have food allergies. I honestly think that if a food causes a negative effect (pain) that it's true that it could be called an allergy. I find that if I say it with a smile nobody minds.

Donna

[Chellethinques]

I HATE talking about my bladder to people I don't know well. (Even people I do know well, actually, and it always opens the door to - "You should try cranberry juice!") I've been resorting to, "My doctor thinks I have an inflammatory or autoimmune thing going on that is causing chronic pain ... but I'm really lucky that if I watch my diet closely, I feel a lot better. Is the pie good? It looks delicious."

[Briza]

I am working again and tho I almost always keep food for the week in the fridge at work to eat for lunch and snacks, I am sometimes asked to eat out for lunch with a coworker or someone who works for the same institution as I do (but at a different location). When that happens I suggest a restaurant that is "really good" ;) meaning one that I have eaten at before, like the food, and know there is a dish I can tolerate!!! I usually get my way by doing that lol
Even the few people (7) who I work with on a daily basis really have no idea that I have a chronic illness and all that they really know about my eating habits is what I have told them (keeping it really simple) by just my declining a cup of coffee saying no I quit drinking it a couple years ago. If they ask why I say only that my dr said it would be best as it is very acidic and that really acidic foods do not agree with me or my stomach. Most people can understand that reasoning and thankfully my current coworkers are not nosey and have accepted that as good enough reason for me to avoid coffee or whatever!!
As for restaurants, I just stick to what I know I can eat. It is esp easy in restaurants that I have eaten at at least once before, or regularly...the first time I go to a new for me restaurant I quiz the waiter pretty good about iffy dishes that I might like to try. (poor waiter ;)) Doing so the first time I visit a certain restaurant means I don't have to go thru the process on return visits! And once I find something I like and agrees with me, I almost always have that exact same meal every time I visit that restaurant again.

For parties where there is a buffet or snack table and I don't see anything I care to eat, I have had few problems just with saying I've already eaten, not hungry, or sometimes just make myself a small plate of food and play with it...usually at these types of get togethers nobody notices if I don't actually eat what's on my plate!

For cocktail stand up mingling parties, of course water is the best option, and I ask that it be put in a wine glass with ice so at least I am holding a "drink" lol and then it is rare that someone tries to force a glass of wine or whatever on me.

Well, when a party is held in your honor, like what happened to you,belou, well that one is a bit harder of course when apple pie and sparkling cider are the only options!!! In that case I would just take the plate and glass offered to me, set in front of me, and like mentioned before just play with my food and glass and unlikely that anyone is the wiser!

Well, those are some things I have done in various situations and all have worked out fine for me and I really have not had anyone confront me or made me feel uncomfortable for not eating what's on my plate. Shoot, sometimes I just don't care for the taste of the food, may have nothing to do with my bladder, and I don't feel the need to explain the fact that there are just certain foods and drinks I just do not like, whether my bladder can handle them or not!! lol!!

[srice]

Must thank all the responses to belou's dilemma. It's great to get some ideas on this subject. I've had IC about a year and then found out I have celiac around April of this year. It's been hard to find safe found for both diets and to eat out with celiac is terrible! I am sort of a quiet person and haven't gotten brave enough to carry around a little print out that tells the problems that come to a person with celiac even if a crumb of "gluten" gets on my plate. I still break down and cry in grocery stores trying to find something I can eat, but know that it will get easier.

I'm going to be proactive on parties at work - bringing something that I can enjoy. It might be a little plain, but it will help me to feel more a part of the party.


Stacey

[mary124]

I work, usually I have my lunch from home, but even if I go downstairs to the cafeteria they usually have something for me to eat. When we have gatherings with just our unit- usually there is something for me to eat, as I have some really nice co-workers who know that i can't eat a lot of foods, and lastly, the same thing with going out to lunch with co-workers/friends, most of them know me and always ask "can you eat at this place??"
Now, I wish my family would understand that--every time we go down to Houston to visit my parents my Mom says "if Mary can't eat that well thats too bad!" then in the same breathe she will ask my Dad- my dad says there is always something here that she can have". I think my Dad is a little more understanding than mom.

[carried_cub]

I also have Bri to thank for the idea of just telling people you had to cut out acidic/spicy foods to keep your tummy happy. In my case, I work with all older men and it typically gets sympathetic groans and no more questions. Other non acidic things like chocolate are times where practicing a simple "no, thank you" and then moving right along really does get easier. The community lunch/party/cake/doughnut/muffin/conference snack leftover deal...I feel you.

I live for places with online menus and neighborhoods that require they be posted in the window. Do what it takes to research and plan ahead...nosiness ahead of time is private nosiness.

A tip I picked up from a newspaper food chat is to call a restaurant ahead of time if you have special needs, as far ahead as you can and then the day before/of...you can check and see if a dish can be modified or something special can be made. Then speak to the host/hostess when you get there...if this works out, you don't have to have a big chat with the server in front of the whole table.

I was just about to say...when you DO feel like talking about it, find yourself a celiac patient and commiserate. Our local friend has never been to afternoon tea...I have been trying to plan a tea menu we could both eat!

[belou]

Thanks for all the replies and advice. I have been working on my graceful exits from questions about my diet. I guess it is something you pick up with time.