I already have depression, IC!!?? y?

[ophelia33]

I've heard that God doesn't give people more than they can handle. How much can I handle? Is this a test? I've been in tears for the last hour. I'm supposed to go for a mammogram today and I'm so depressed I don't even care if I have cancer. A big part of me wants cancer, then someone may give me some compassion and then I can choose whether to get treatment or not. I actually dream of the day I get a terminal illness. I just want to go eat a pizza like a normal human and then just take 10 vicodin afterwards b/c I ate something tasty for a change.

Depression, and its severe, has already sapped me of my job, my husband, my home (I live with a friend now-my only friend). I feel beaten down by depression and now I feel I'm food deprived and sleep deprived and feel attached to a toilet. :toilet:

I see a psychotherapist and I'm trying everything possible for IC. Everday I look in the mirror and see the circles from under my eyes get darker. I'm so tired but the urge to pee keeps me from sleeping.

My mother who claims to be supportive has told me to "try to sleep". She gets up to pee once at night sometimes (only once--lucky). Can't she just sleep through it? If she can't sleep through the urge how am I supposed to be able to? How can I "try to sleep"? I'm about to ask for a catheter and a bag so I can just fall asleep and not be awoken by the urge to pee. How can humans survive on a couple hours sleep? My mother only got 4-5 hours (only!) one night and she said "when I look at the one pillow, its as if the others are moving, I'm tired!". Really!?

My mom also said "you drink too much water at night", "maybe if you just lay in another position, put a pillow under your legs". The last comment was AFTER an IC seminar!!! I asked her if she had seen that on one of the slides at the seminar...she said no. I didn't think so.

Mother also said to "get healthy so you can get a job", oh and my favorite "get out and do things". That is support? She went to the seminar on IC hosted by my urogyn. :confused: As far as getting out and doing things. I went to a ballroom dance lesson and was in pain and I had trouble smiling because I hurt and I had people saying "smile". Right, just smile, it makes IC pain go away, why didn't I think of that!

My supportive mother also said "the dr. said it would go away". That was after a trip to the ER after my mother called the cops on me b/c I said I didn't want to live like this anymore. No hug, the cops. The ambulance person referred to IC as a bladder "thing". The nurse said "its just a bladder spasm". The caseworker told me I wasn't "normal" and said she had dying cancer patients that don't say they don't want to live anymore. So, I have a bladder "thing" and I'm not "normal". Did I need a "normal" person w/o a bladder "thing" to tell me I'm not "normal"? I feel attached to a toilet...is that normal? I just can't carry a toilet with me when I go somewhere like people can carry meds or something.

If IC can cause depression, what do I do if I already have depression? I've tried almost ALL the psych drugs, I can't tolerate them. Not for not trying either. Many years of failed psych drug trials. Many years of sometimes terrible side effects that took me to the ER. I'm currently on disability for depression, how much more disabiling is life supposed to get?...I seriously don't know how much I'm supposed to be able to handle.

There is no support group for IC in my area. The only support I get is from this website and my roommate who every now and then asks me "are you still dealing?" He can't say IC so its my bladder "problem". I wish people heard of IC. It is serious and life altering and debilitating and its sufferers go w/o understanding and w/o compassion from those that don't understand.

Idk if I'll go to the mammogram. Pick myself up AGAIN and go through the motions. Yeah, life is fun...for others it may be...not with these illnesses. Life stinks!

If God gave me this life, why these illnesses? I didn't hurt anyone, I was nice to people, I don't deserve this. There are people out there on death row who have murdered people and tore other people's lives apart and they probably feel better about themselves than I do.

Sorry I'm sad. and yes, I'm used to apologizing for my feelings. I only have a bladder "thing". and I'm "just" depressed. Go to the bathroom and get out and do things. That's the cure for IC and depression--not scientists but my mother cured IC!

hugs to all sufferers, may we all be cured, thanks for listening
O

[ICNDonna]

Please telephone your doctor's office this morning and get in as quickly as possible. You need professional help. We can offer caring because we know you are hurting, but only your doctor can treat your depression. There are many, many meds you could try that could help.

Donna

[ABliske]

so sorry to hear this. I was going through a hard time myself and missed a counseling appointment. Don't worry about missing the mamogram if you feel so down. I still haven't gotten therapy but I'm on an antidepressant and feel much better. I don't know if I can afford to stay on it but I'm going to try to work it out to be on something for a while.
I think you should take something. It can make all the difference. I have also thought about the catheter thing just to get some rest. A lot of us can relate to what you are saying. Maybe you should try something tasty just to give yourself a treat. The diet is so hard. Sometime the baking soda in water helps!

[kadi]

Hi Ophelia,
I think I could have written much of your post the first year I had IC. It becomes very difficult to separate out what is depression and what is despair from pain & lack of sleep. I think Donna's suggestion to contact your doctor is a very good one.

Looking at your treatment list, there is more available than what your treatment regimen shows. Are you still doing the heparin instillations only once a week? I do heparin/marcaine/sodium bicarbonate instillations once a day & that has been huge in managing my symptoms, particularly in being able to sleep. I do an instillation an hour before bedtime & with my oral medications, most nights that gives me ok sleep with only 1-2 bathroom trips during the night. Are you currently in physical therapy? A good physical therapist can help with the pelvic pain & in enabling you to exercise which can help with pain, sleep & depression.

I know there are no simple answers for what you are going through. It's really important to keep working with your doctor(s), letting them know your current symptom levels for the depression and the IC, and asking them to help you.

Sending a hug, wishing you better days soon,

[Trishann]

Hi Ophelia,

I hope when you go to your doctor you will also address the issue about having problems sleeping due to IC, (the bathroom trips :toilet:).

Oh how I do know about the issue and how it is hard to try to function without sleep, it's impossble. Hopefullly your doctor will give you a RX to help you sleep more.

Getting help with this issue was a miracle for me. Hope soon you will get the help you need too.

Trish

[ophelia33]

I can't say thanks enough. Its been so long since I've felt that anyone cares. I know its the depression talking and when its before that time of the month my PMS turns things into a whirlwind of terrible emotion.

I will certainly talk with my therapist tomorrow. I have listed the depression meds I have tried. I was dropped by my last psychiatrist after 5 years b/c he ran out of meds and didn't know what else to do. My family dr. doesn't deal with psych issues or meds, he can try to refer me to another psychiatrist.

After I got dropped by my last psyciatrist, I saw 4 others and not one would take my case all citing that they didn't have anything else to prescribe either. I don't know who my family dr. would even refer me to. I have medicare currently and in my area not a lot of psychiatrists take medicare.

I saw a specialist at the University of Penn and she recommended a full trial of ECT (shock therapy) but my dr. didn't agree w/ another trial. He approved the first 4 treatments and b/c it didn't work said it was pointless to do any more.

I saw another therapist through Einstein Behavioral Health in Philadelphia and she said if I couldn't take the meds I'd just have to deal w/ it.

I live an hour and a half outside Philadelphia and don't have these big centers at my easy disposal.

I'll keep exploring options.

I only get heparin/lidocaine instills once a month b/c that's what the urogyn said. I call that office enough I guess b/c the nurse that does my instills told me to wait until my appointment w/ her to talk about anything. A little rude I thought. I had med issues so I NEEDED to call.

I consult w/ my gyno who diagnosed me too. I think 2 heads are better than one. He is a lot more accessible than my urogyn b/c I always have to try to get through the nurse w/ my urogyn.

I am to start physical therapy next week on June 30th. I keep a void diary and monitor my food how much I go and now how much for physical therapy. I ate some frozen yogurt once b/c I got mad I was hungry. OMG pain!!!!!

I just started Lybrel to help stop my period as my urogyn is trying to help w/ that. My gyno blew me off. Got the monthly curse and wow pain.

I did make my mammogram appointment w/ the help of you guys!! My eyes were puffy from crying but I made it. Thanks for not judging. I want to hug you all.

best wishes and hugs,
Ophelia

[christinap28]

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time with your family and friends not supporting you. We are all together through this illness. I do hope you get to feeling better and get some relief somewhere. I have depression and I do have days to where I just want to give up. I will keep you in my prayers. Good luck:pray::pray::pray:

[kiffy313]

Just sending you :pray: and :grouphug:...this IC can sure get us down...and add other stuff in...well, no need to go there...just know you are not alone! I think my depression is sometimes worse than the physical pain...but then when the IC is really ranging, I may just change my mind...
Take Care,
K

[ophelia33]

Thanks Christina and K. Hoping we all find relief soon.
hugs,
Ophelia:hi: