I desperately need to whine.

[Mrs. Peel]

My husband and I have been taking care of his 90-year-old father in his own home for 10 years.

He is coming home from a physical rehab convalescence soon, but I have spent the last two months trying to get diagnosed and treated. I haven't been able to get the house ready for the special needs he will be bringing home.

Some of the siblings have been talking down to me when we discuss plans for him. How soon they forget I've been cleaning poop, making doctor appointments and getting him there, noticing if something is wrong with him (that's a big one), wiping up drool, hosing down his bathroom, listening to his noise (he's loud, like a parrot), hollering so he can hear me (won't wear his hearing aids). Telling him where everybody is every 10 minutes. Another big one is worrying whether he's washed the poop off his hands before he handled the ice bucket. You know, way-old dementia, etc.

I didn't volunteer for this expecting any remuneration, but a little respect and consideration would take some of the sting out of the work. His daughter said I don't keep the house clean enough. They want my husband and me to move from what has become our home to the downstairs apartment and put a live-in caregiver upstairs, but there's room for us and the caregiver. I just don't get it.

Some of the siblings are supportive, so thank goodness for that.

Plus I just accidentally put soap in a gigantic pot of homemade chicken broth and ruined it.

Sigh.

What would Mrs. Peel do?

[cinnamon8]

I am sorry that you are being treated poorly, you don't deserve it....although you did ruin the chicken soup....:smile tee:smile tee keep your chin up...all good things come back to us....

[ICNDonna]

You might give the chicken soup to his daughter! (not nice and I didn't really mean it...) It sounds like you have your hands full. Maybe family could hire someone to come in during some days so you could have some time to yourself? And maybe even time to do some chores that go by the wayside because you're taking care of him.

You are a true angel for being willing take care of him.

Sending gentle hugs,
Donna

[Goldfinch]

You're a saint, Emma, and don't you forget it. Let your SIL try taking care of her dad if she doesn't like the way you do it. And it's your house, so don't let them tell you how to live in it. Do whatever is easiest for you. You should have as much live-in care for him as is affordable, and since you are donating the house, that shouldn't have to fall on you either. Mrs. Peel wouldn't put up with any crap from family members, nor would she worry about serving a little soup with some soap in it. Soup, soap, whatever. Well, how much soap?

[Mrs. Peel]

Oh, it's not our house, it's Grandad's. I'm just the white trash that's squatting here.

[VickiB]

Oh, it's not our house, it's Grandad's. I'm just the white trash that's squatting here.
And it sounds like you should be getting paid for doing so! Taking care of an elderly family member with health issues is one of the most challenging jobs there is!

I like the idea of giving the soup to you SIL! :biglaugh:

Vicki

[Hannah13]

My husband and I have been taking care of his 90-year-old father in his own home for 10 years.

He is coming home from a physical rehab convalescence soon, but I have spent the last two months trying to get diagnosed and treated. I haven't been able to get the house ready for the special needs he will be bringing home.

Some of the siblings have been talking down to me when we discuss plans for him. How soon they forget I've been cleaning poop, making doctor appointments and getting him there, noticing if something is wrong with him (that's a big one), wiping up drool, hosing down his bathroom, listening to his noise (he's loud, like a parrot), hollering so he can hear me (won't wear his hearing aids). Telling him where everybody is every 10 minutes. Another big one is worrying whether he's washed the poop off his hands before he handled the ice bucket. You know, way-old dementia, etc.

I didn't volunteer for this expecting any remuneration, but a little respect and consideration would take some of the sting out of the work. His daughter said I don't keep the house clean enough. They want my husband and me to move from what has become our home to the downstairs apartment and put a live-in caregiver upstairs, but there's room for us and the caregiver. I just don't get it.

Some of the siblings are supportive, so thank goodness for that.

Plus I just accidentally put soap in a gigantic pot of homemade chicken broth and ruined it.

Sigh.

What would Mrs. Peel do?

It's hard when our parents get older and we have to give them the sort of care they once gave us. You and your husband are doing a good thing. A blessed thing even. Take the support you deserve from the good sibs and when the bad sibs start that nonsense, hand them a mop and tell them to clean the house themselves if they want it cleaned so badly.

Hang in there!

[Preacher-Girl]

I guess I have a different take on this. I love my parents but I wouldn't do this. I am extremely close to my MIL and she would never even consider this kind of arrangement. Her faith is very strong and I know she would want us to live our lives and have her cared for in a nursing home etc. while we stayed close by and saw her all the time. My mother drove herself into the ground caring for others her whole life and has kept my grandmother alive much longer than her life has had any quality. She is in constant pain and she suffers badly. I understand sacrifice but for me it just seems extreme - and I have seen a lot of care-taking in my family. I think if I turn 90 and I am yelling all the time and covered in poop I just wouldn't want my poor daughter to spend years of her life draining herself taking care of me. And it's worse when you're dealing with your own health issues. I hope you are able to find some resolution.

[Hannah13]

I guess I have a different take on this. I love my parents but I wouldn't do this. I am extremely close to my MIL and she would never even consider this kind of arrangement. Her faith is very strong and I know she would want us to live our lives and have her cared for in a nursing home etc. while we stayed close by and saw her all the time. My mother drove herself into the ground caring for others her whole life and has kept my grandmother alive much longer than her life has had any quality. She is in constant pain and she suffers badly. I understand sacrifice but for me it just seems extreme - and I have seen a lot of care-taking in my family. I think if I turn 90 and I am yelling all the time and covered in poop I just wouldn't want my poor daughter to spend years of her life draining herself taking care of me. And it's worse when you're dealing with your own health issues. I hope you are able to find some resolution.

My mother feels the same as yours, she'd rather be in assisted living should it come to that.

Not all of our elders feel that way. It's a very personal choice for all involved. I think folks who choose to handle things this way deserve respect and support from the rest of the family.

I've worked hospice and homecare for VNS before my son's medical situation demanded I be home for him. Families who opt for homecare are very valiant IMHO but you are right, it's not for everyone.

[Sally939]

Mrs Peel,

You are such a great person!!!! He and his family are so lucky you are part of their family and willing to do this. Try to ignore the rude words of your SIL. It is hard to keep the house clean with the easiest schedual let alone with all you are doing. Just know that your FIL in the depth of his heart is so thankful for you.