need support (losing my resolve)

[icbeauty]

I'm losing my resolve for some reason. I was planning to do all right today. I was going to work in the nursery or the children's service at church, so my mom would be happy that her kids are at church with her, but also so I could protect myself from the whole "if you're not a mother, you just don't matter" routine that gets preached on Mother's Day. They do it on Father's Day too, but they just change the word mother to father.

Well, good plans always get disrupted. My dad decided to make reservations for me, my mom, my dad, my brother and my SIL at the club after church. The stupid thing with the club is that they charge you for the reservations, and if someone doesn't show, you still pay for their meal. So I am obligated to go. Even though I'm considering calling the club to find out how much it costs and just giving my dad a check. I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO.

I beg my dad every year to please let me skip dinner at the club. He "forgets" every year that I hate it. There's always a humiliation. I go to dinners with my parents often, but for some stupid reason, the staff at the club decides to get stupid with me on Mother's Day. They always start to hand me the little Mother's Day gift as I sit down, and then they always snatch it away and say, "Oh, I forgot. You're not a mother." And it is embarrassing because people turn and stare and wonder why someone my age isn't a mother. And I end up feeling like dirt and can't eat my dinner anyway.

I get so upset by it though. I know I shouldn't because it's just a stupid gift, but it's a reminder as well. I was pg for a few weeks. Then I lost it. Like the baby was snatched away. I was asked to adopt a child last summer. A few weeks later, the birthmother changed her mind because I was divorced (she knew that from the start), so another dream snatched away. I've gone through 12 years now of sitting through those Mother's Day dinners and church services. For 10 of those years, I wondered "when will it be my turn?" For the last 2 years, I've been divorced and have been feeling doubly inadequate. I couldn't even stay married, so why on earth would I ever think I could have parented a child? Why on earth would I think I would have been able to do that? I must have some nerve.

So I just took a shower about 30 minutes ago and let the tears go. I haven't cried like that since I found out the birthmother changed her mind. I'm not so much crying that I don't have children. Just crying. Maybe it's because I don't understand why God would give me the desire and never let it happen? Why put it out there in front of me and then take away the dreams so fast? Why?

And now I'm second-guessing my plan to work in the nursery or children's church today. After all, if I'm not fit to be a parent, then what makes me think I should even work in there for an hour? What if they don't want a childless woman in there? Heck, I can't even go to the childrens' section of the public library. I found that out yesterday when I went to get a copy of a book I'm having my students read. I'm not allowed in there. I had to ask the librarian to get the book for me instead of me going to get it when I knew where it was and could even see it from the door. Just more humiliation.

Sometimes I feel like absolute dirt. And today is one of those times. I had all this courage and was feeling so good. But then my dad had to "forget" and make a reservation for me, and now all the bad feelings are starting up. I have to put these aside before church. It's not healthy.

[amaranthe]

Aww, it's okay sweetie! Everybody has had those days. Really, we have! But, I dont think it would be a good idea for you to go to church today, given your emotional state. God will understand. I just think it would be too hard on you either sitting with your family OR being in the nursery. (ANd I personally think the nursery would actually be harder for you!) JMHO!

As far as why God would give you the desire to have them and then not give you one, who says he isnt going to? Remember Abraham and Sarah in the Bible. She was 90 before she had Issac!

What about Rachael, (Jacob's wife)? Her sister, Leah, (who was also married to Jacob at the same time she was), was pumping them out like litters of puppies, and poor Rachael had tried everything, and even went so far as she gave her maid to her husband so the maid could have a baby for her. Though the maid DID have a few children, she still longed for her own child. It just wasnt the same, and having to have her sister's numerous children kids in her face day after day was very hard on her, especially since they had the same husband! But, she trusted God and eventually he came thru for her too and she ended up having 2 children, (one of which was Joseph, who was chosen by God to help preserve many lives during a great famine!)

What about Hannah in the Bible, (mother of the prophet, Sammuel)? After years of being barren, and praying faithfully, she was first rewarded with Sammuel, the great prophet. And even though she had only asked for one child, God saw fit to give her many, many more!

Then there's Elisabeth, the cousin of Mary ( the mother of Jesus). After battling infertility for years, she and her devout husband were rewarded for their faith and prayer with not only the gift of any ordinary child. Instead, she gave birth to John the Baptist, the one chosen by God to prepare the way for Jesus!

These were all great Biblical heroines who struggled with infertility, yet God eventually answered every one of their prayers. And since we know he is no respector of persons, I believe yours will one day be answered too!

It may not happen the way you are imagining it to happen, (ie: carrying the child yourself or adopting one.) And yes, there IS another way to get a child, (or even multiple children)....marrying a man who has children! You are a single woman, and it is EXTREMELY unlikely that you will stay single the rest of your life. And it is also extremely unlikely (these days if you are over 25) to find a man who does not have 1 or more children from a previous marriage or relationship. If that happens for you, I am sure they will be your children to you, and that you'll treat them that way, spoiling them, loving them, caring for them, nurturing them. and protecting them, just as you would had you carried them yourself. Children arent just grown in wombs! They are also grown in hearts. You are growing yours now by loving them before they have even been created or come into your life.

Sometimes God doesnt answers our prayers the way we expect him to. So, dont close your eyes to that possiblity. But, please have faith and trust in the Lord and wait on Him. I truly believe that when he is ready, you just might be surprised how he handles this for you, and how he can give you so much more than you even asked for, (like a man with several kids, when all you were asking for was one!) :)

May God bless you in this and all things. I pray that He will answer your prayers quickly, and that He will send you a wonderful, loving, and compassionate man to go along with the child/children He intends for you.
May many blessings be upon you today and every day of your life.

Feel free to Pm me anytime. I definately understand and am always here for you.

Sending gentle hugs,
Amaranthe

[icbeauty]

I just want to clarify that I am normally "childfree and loving it" and I see that God has given me many opportunities these days. He's gradually taking away the desire for children. But what I was questioning was why have that desire in the first place? Why did I feel from the time I was 25 until I was 36 that if I didn't have a child, I would just die? Why? It took my ex-husband walking out on me telling me that he didn't need me in his life because he just might want kids some day, and I coudln't meet that need. He wasn't open to adoption, but I was. And I thought (mistakenly) that when the opportunity came up last summer, that it was God's plan. Apparently I was wrong.

God did bring a WONDERFUL man into my life. He's tender, kind, compassionate, caring. We both feel the same way about marriage. We don't want it. So please keep that in mind. After being destroyed by my ex-husband (there is a lot more to the story, but he's not here to tell his own side, so I won't say anything else), marriage is something that makes me shudder. It is very hard to explain, so I won't try. Even I don't understand it completely. But I have a lot of freedom right now, and I'm grateful for it.

Like I said, I'm usually satisfied with my life. I've been mostly satisfied the last few years now that I'm not married anymore. I am just having difficulty today. Sometimes that happens. There are times when I wonder "why on earth would I have ever wanted children?" ya know? Esp when I see what a difficult time my brother is having with his teens. And I thank God that I don't have that worry in my life. I thank Him for the fact that I have freedom. But this one day of the year brings back many years of painful memories to me.

I'm sorry I wasn't clear. And I'm sorry if I'm offending anyone.

[tigger_gal]

"if you're not a mother, you just don't matter" routine that gets preached on Mother's Day.
ok this really bothers me! who ever said this is cold hearted. God would NEVER say this

They always start to hand me the little Mother's Day gift as I sit down, and then they always snatch it away and say, "Oh, I forgot. You're not a mother."
This is just wrong, what is wrong with this "church" setting
For the last 2 years, I've been divorced and have been feeling doubly inadequate. I couldn't even stay married, so why on earth would I ever think I could have parented a child? Why on earth would I think I would have been able to do that? I must have some nerve
! you are NOT inadaquate, god has a better plan for you. So you are divorced, big deal, it didn't work out, and that has nothnig to do with parenting so don't feel bad over this.

I picked a couple things that bothered me, and replied. I think you are a wonderful person. :grouphug: go to that dinner with your head held high and smile. go ahead and work in the nursey and enjoy spending time with the children. God has a plan for everyone, we may not know what it is or why things happen the way they do, but remember he loves you, and the people that make you feel down are certianly not worth your time of day, consider the source and move on.
I hope you have a beautiful day, and spend mothers day with your Mom! thats what it is all about right. our moms =)

[ICNDonna]

Try thinking of it this way. Go as a gift to YOUR mother. It means a lot to her to know you want to honor her. And if someone hands a gift to you and starts to take it away, just pleasantly say that you'd like it to give to YOUR MOTHER!

And tomorrow, please telephone a professional counselor and make an appointment to help you work through your feelings.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[amaranthe]

"if you're not a mother, you just don't matter" routine that gets preached on Mother's Day.
ok this really bothers me! who ever said this is cold hearted. God would NEVER say this

They always start to hand me the little Mother's Day gift as I sit down, and then they always snatch it away and say, "Oh, I forgot. You're not a mother."
This is just wrong, what is wrong with this "church" setting
For the last 2 years, I've been divorced and have been feeling doubly inadequate. I couldn't even stay married, so why on earth would I ever think I could have parented a child? Why on earth would I think I would have been able to do that? I must have some nerve
! you are NOT inadaquate, god has a better plan for you. So you are divorced, big deal, it didn't work out, and that has nothnig to do with parenting so don't feel bad over this.

I picked a couple things that bothered me, and replied. I think you are a wonderful person. :grouphug: go to that dinner with your head held high and smile. go ahead and work in the nursey and enjoy spending time with the children. God has a plan for everyone, we may not know what it is or why things happen the way they do, but remember he loves you, and the people that make you feel down are certianly not worth your time of day, consider the source and move on.
I hope you have a beautiful day, and spend mothers day with your Mom! thats what it is all about right. our moms =)
Very well said!!!

[icbeauty]

Thanks. I'm just feeling sorry for myself today, and today only. Usually I'm a very happy person. I'd like to think I'm entitled to a rant every now and then. I could be wrong.

I started to make my mom's card last night, and I messed it up. So I'd better get busy now before church. Card-making always seems to help.

I think a little of my rant is stemming from the fact that my brother is being really mean lately too. He's been acting very cold to me the past week, and I don't understand it. His kids have even been acting like that to me. He's always felt I was a snob because I have everything I want (he has no clue, ya know?), and I have been wondering for the past couple of days what the heck I did to make him so cold toward me. I invited him and his wife up last night (he lives in the same apartment community as I do) to celebrate because I got my test scores back and got into grad school (he's also going to school), and he said they'd come. But they never showed up. And I think I've got some anxiety about that too esp because they'll be at dinner today. But they're the ones who should have anxiety about it and not me. After all, they're the ones who said they'd come up and never showed. Right? And it's not because his kids kept him busy. His kids live with their mom (his ex-wife), and his current wife's kids are out of the house and grown. So I have no idea what the excuse is. But I'm not even going to bring it up. I'll act like nothing ever happened.

I'll go make a card, and then I'll feel better. I hope.

[tigger_gal]

maybe because you are beter at budgeting your money? HA HA on him!! jealousy is an evil thing! it is his loss not yours, I know it hurts, hugs, but he really is the one losing out, he can't make up for lost time. I wouldn't bring it up, and if he says hey we will stop but, say call first I may have plans! even if it is taking a hot bath and watching a movie! Congrat on getting in Grad School

[bluetart]

:flower: hugs. Next year when this comes up again make a reservation a month in advanced and kindly tell your parents that your spending the day somewhere else pampering yourself, maybe with a non parent. If thats not possible, and you want to be with you mom than make her a wonderful meal or suggest a different place to go to one that dosn't give mother days cards and than take them away, so you don't have to relive the tramatic expirence. I hope you feel better soon

[Goldfinch]

I'm with Bluetart. If this dinner makes you so uncomfortable and holds so little pleasure for you, find a pleasant way to make it clear before the reservation is made next year that you won't be attending. If your father isn't more forgetful than normal, then I would say his making a reservation for you is a passive aggressive act. If he makes one next year, after you have politely declined the invite, then let him pay for your empty seat. He most likely will hear you the next time around.

The week before next mother's day--or any other time all year!--take your mom out for a lovely lunch date and make a special occassion to celebrate being mother and daughter.

The insensitivity of people about all kinds of things isn't ultimately something we can parse out; it's something we have to accept and learn how to live with--without causing suffering to ourselves.

Congrats on grad school! That's terrific. Cheers!

[icbeauty]

update:
The nursery wasn't bad. There were other helpers, and I was kept so busy, time flew. My minister's wife knows me pretty well, and at the end of the service, she gave me the Mother's Day gift because she said she appreciated my help in the nursery.

Then we went to the club. It wasn't as hard as usual. It was funny because the minister of our old church was there. He got really mad at a lot of the long-time members back in 94 when he was first hired and told a lot of us to leave (my family and about half the church it seemed). Everyone who left joined the church where I attend now. And that minister and his wife go to the club too on Mother's Day. WEll, the old minister who did all the purging of the church was at the club as well. So everyone was a bit on edge, and it just made me feel like "at least I'm not the only one who feels weird here today." The staff at the club knows everyone and knows the history, but they didn't realize we'd all be there at the same time, so they were walking on eggshells the whole time too.

And they didn't bring the roses until the end, and I already had my purse on my shoulder and my keys in my hand and was saying bye to everyone. So I got out of there before they could even get near me.

It was so much easier than I anticipated. And I'm glad it's over.

[glassd18]

ICbeauty you are not alone in your feelings. The option to have my own children was removed from me 10 years ago when I found out I had premature ovarian failure. It was very tough at first, and honestly it spiralled me into a very deep depression which included copious amounts of alcohol which I gladly gave up shortly thereafter. I still feel the loss, and it is a loss so grieving is natural. I am very fortunate to have married a man who has a daughter who loves me, but we do not see her very often as she lives quite far away with her mother and it's still not quite the same as one of my own would have been. Someone told me once that maybe there is a reason that I do not have children that I don't know about. That maybe I will be needed in some other way. This always gives me some comfort. I think about my mother on Mother's Day, and make it about her, and not me. I didn't even get a call from my Step-daughter yesterday, and that hurts, but I know I'm not her Mom. I too was wished a Happy Mother's Day yesterday. I now consider myself Mom to my wonderful dog and three cats :loco: :lmao::cat: My husband has bought me a card from the cats and dog before too!!! It's too funny!! Anyhow I hope you had a good day yesterday just the same!!! We are all needed here on earth by somebody!!

[icbeauty]

Thanks. It's times like this when instead of solutions (which I've tried them all already) all I want is a little understanding. But so few people understand. I'm sorry your stepkiddo didn't call you. I have some friends with stepchildren and none of their own, and they had the same experience. Don't understand why the kiddos won't call, but I don't know what's in their hearts.

[glassd18]

Thanks Holly!! I forgot to mention that about 1 1/2 ago I worked up the courage to ask my niece who looks a lot like me to donate an egg, but that flopped. My niece didn't have kids of her own yet so she wanted the first one to be hers. She is pregnant now and is due in September. I kind of regretted that decision after though as I have felt weird with her ever since. My gyno/endo encouraged me to ask as he is a fertility specialist. I liked the idea because I would know the genetics of the child that way. Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[amaranthe]

ICbeauty you are not alone in your feelings. The option to have my own children was removed from me 10 years ago when I found out I had premature ovarian failure. It was very tough at first, and honestly it spiralled me into a very deep depression which included copious amounts of alcohol which I gladly gave up shortly thereafter. I still feel the loss, and it is a loss so grieving is natural. I am very fortunate to have married a man who has a daughter who loves me, but we do not see her very often as she lives quite far away with her mother and it's still not quite the same as one of my own would have been. Someone told me once that maybe there is a reason that I do not have children that I don't know about. That maybe I will be needed in some other way. This always gives me some comfort. I think about my mother on Mother's Day, and make it about her, and not me. I didn't even get a call from my Step-daughter yesterday, and that hurts, but I know I'm not her Mom. I too was wished a Happy Mother's Day yesterday. I now consider myself Mom to my wonderful dog and three cats :loco: :lmao::cat: My husband has bought me a card from the cats and dog before too!!! It's too funny!! Anyhow I hope you had a good day yesterday just the same!!! We are all needed here on earth by somebody!!

Since some of you are believers too, I want to tell you my thoughts here.

I definately think there is a reason and that you are going to have different purpose in your life too and that God will use you in a different and special way. But, I also believe that just because that option has been removed in this life, I dont believe it will be excluded when we get to heaven. I just dont. The reason I think that is because you remember in the Bible when the Devil was tempting Jesus after he had fasted for the 40 days? The Devil had tried to get him to turn the stones to bread, and bow down to him, etc. Well everything that the Lord was tempted by but refused, he STILL got! Think about it...in the end, he DID get the whole world, he did get fed, he did get everything! I think it is going to be the same for us when we get to heaven. I really, really do. I mean the Bible doesnt say alot about heaven and isnt really descriptive, but there is no reason for us to limit our imagination or EVER give up our hopes and dreams! :) Unless God himself tells me it isnt possible, then my hope is going to remain alive! :)

Sending my love,
Amaranthe

[Kara29]

I am in recovery for PNE Operation and I will be out of it for a few weeks at least. You can view my video clip recovery through my facebook page.

Wishing you well and I hope I left you with enough information for a few weeks at least and hope that some of the other volunteers can help you. If you really need to get ahold of me you can go to my facebook page and I will respond.


Warm Hugs and Well Wishes to you Alll!!!

Kara

[cinnamon8]

Endometriosis since 15 took away my ability to have children. I finally had to have a partial at 30 and the ovaries removed at 37. I totally know where you are coming from and it is extremely painful. You feel like God has taken away something from you and look at some who have kids and wonder why they have been blessed. I can honestly say that some days are worse than others but that eventually, it really does get better. You will find yourself crying in movies, tv shows that strike you completely out of the blue. The most important thing to have is someone around that is compassionate and understanding and will let you just cry it out. The lengths of time between the tears and the recovery get shorter and shorter and you'll be able to look at babies without pain--some days. Others are harder. You'll hear this alot "Oh you can adopt", well yes adoption is an option but people don't realize how difficult and expensive that proposition is. They ARE trying to make you feel better and I often times have found that no one really knows WHAT to say to women who can't have kids. If I am put on the spot I simply smile sweetly and say "No I don't have kids, I have never been blessed". People usually get the hint and don't push it. One thing I absolutely couldn't do for years was attend baby showers. Anyone who is truly your friend will understand if you simply send a gift with your warmest wishes. If you would like to discuss this further, I would be happy to. You just need a sympathetic ear and encouragement that it really does get easier. Send me a private message if you'd like. I'll be thinking of you....

[Kara29]

I'm turning 33 in June. I still hope someday a miracle will come along, however, I know that it's not really going to happen.

One thing I wanted to mention is that you may not have been blessed with Children but you could wake up each day and count the blessings that you still have. Maybe Family Support, Maybe a close friend who is suffering the same way as you are, Maybe pets, or a Husband. I try on my good days to look at my blessings from a different angle.

That usually gets people off of the adoption topic to try and smooth it over for us and some of the blessings that we do have actually change the subject for the better.

But I know as you do that some days you just can't simply do this and it's a bad day.................


We're in this together and we are not alone that is why I wanted this forum created.

Sincerely,

Kara Reese

[amaranthe]

I cant go baby showers either. (But am always amazed by the idiots that get offended by this.) I cant tell you how many times I have been "called out" by a family member (aunt, cousin, etc.) b/c I didnt attend so and so's baby shower. No matter how many times I have told them, they just never get it. (Some of these same morons have me in their mass emailings of their kids baby pictures! UGHH!) And yes, those go straight into the "junk mail" file.

I am always amazed by how little support there is for ppl like us. Even the hospital put me on the maternity floor when I had to have a total hysterecteomy (that was necessary, though I didnt want it since it ended my chances for having another child.) I mean how insensitive can ppl be! (Also, as I was discussing with a friend yesterday, our hospital plays "Brahams lullaby" over the intercom system every time a new baby is born, which is pretty often.) I realize more than most ppl what a blessed event it is to have a child, but I find it so hurtful each time I have to hear that when I am in the hosptial as a patient, or visiting someone. I always wonder how many others hearing it are as affected by it as I am. (I mean, can you imagine how tramatizing it would be to hear that if you were in the hosptial b/c you had miscarried your baby? Or what about the women hearing it who ever gave birth to a still born baby? Or, how about the women hearing it who HAVE kids, but theirs are grown now and moved out and it makes them sad to hear it b/c they will never again get to experiance having their kids at home? I think there are probobly more ppl who are hurt by hearing it than those who enjoy hearing it. But, what do I know! But, I WILL say this....Whoever came up with the idea of playing that probobly has a houseful of kids and never had to experiance any of those things or infertility. I'd say that is probobly a given.

Went to see my Granny this afternoon at the nursing home. My cousin was there with her adorable 8 mo old little girl. (The baby girls ALWAYS get to me real bad, especially when they are all dressed up like this one was.) I wanted to tell my cousin she needed to warn ppl before she takes that kid out! But, that probobly wouldnt have gone over well, huh? LOL!

Anyway, it is at least nice knowing I am not the only one out there who feels this way. I am just sorry that all of you go thru this too.

Hugs to all,
Amaranthe

[cinnamon8]

I can't understand why people find it do hard to conceptualize what we are / have been thru. It is not a difficult thing to wrap ones brain around. I have never let anyone give me a hard about not going to "baby" things.....the music in the hospital would have bothered me very badly as well. xxoo

[icbeauty]

The music is a bad idea. I know 3 girls who have had stillbirths, and even though those were several years ago, they are still grieving. They had to give birth to babies they knew were not going to be alive, and to have to even go through labor after that news is devastating. Not to mention they put my friends on the baby floor. But it's really not about compassion, is it? It's about what the insurance companies will allow. Dont' get me started on that though. I'll stop that talk now, lol.

I don't mind so much anymore when people bring up adoption. In the past, it bothered me because I wanted to adopt, but my ex-husband (husband at the time) didn't want to. After we got divorced, I did get the opportunity to adopt a child, and I jumped at it. It was amazing to me how quickly my heart fell in love with that unborn baby. I've had a couple of losses of my own, and I was in love as soon as I figured out it was morning sickness. I just can't believe how fast you can fall for a child who isn't even formed yet. But when the birthmother changed her mind because of my single status (I don't think she was completely ready either), I was devastated. I still grieve for that boy, but I have to remind myself that now he has just another person in the world (me) who loves him and is praying daily for him. I'll never meet him or know what happens to him, and that is really hard. There's not a sense of closure, I guess. When his due date came around, I felt so helpless. I didn't know if he was being adopted by a family, or if his mom was going to keep him, or what. All I knew was that I had to pray for him that he would be loved and taken care of and would never know hunger or pain.

So it's a weird thing for me when people say, "Oh, you can always adopt." Because no you can't always adopt. Sometimes you try, but things happen. I do think things turned out for the best though. Even though I hurt like crazy over it, and sometimes I still hurt, I know someone will provide him the life I can't provide. But it is so weird to feel this much love in my heart for him. I can't explain it. I don't think I will ever be able to. I think I'm really lucky to have had the opportunity to love someone like this.

Our lives are very different. My brother has children, and I'd always been jealous. We were talking the other day, and he said he just doesn't understand why it hurts me so much that I can't have children and the adoption didn't work out. I told him it's something that just can't be explained. We need no explanations to each other, I know. But those with children will never fully feel it. And I think that's a good thing because this is a pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Thanks for listening. Really, it's helped to get it all out and work it out. As long as we can find some way to live with it and can start to live without hurting as often (I have found that in the past 12 years, time does heal), then we're making progress. We are worthy and valuable women no matter what our reproductive status is.

[cinnamon8]

My hat is off to you and my heart is open. The way you have handled that crisis is admirable. I do not think I could have done that with the grace that you have. You are not only worthy but a strong example to all of us. God bless.

[Kara29]

I used to use a certain video to help friends and family and even in some cases, co-workers.....however the video has been since taken down and I have yet to find one that is as great at explaining what we are all going through. I will continue to look for a new one.

Thinking of you all and hoping you are having a pain free night!

Kara:smile tee

[Pamela_Joy]

This subject has been on my mind a lot lately. I've been married 19 years and have had IC for 9 years now. I was a teacher (5th grade) before I had to go on disability. I love children very much, I was an excellent teacher. At least then I sort of had children. When people would ask me how many children I had I'd say "I have 26" Some of them would even call me Mom.

I have end stage IC. In the last 2 months 2 urologists, one who specializes in female pelvic disorders, have told me I have the worst case of IC they have ever seen.

Many people have encouraged me to get a pet. I reply "I can barely take care of myself, there is no way I could give a dog (I'm allergic to cats) the care and attention it deserves"

Other people say "Don't you wish you'd had children before you got IC" or while I was in remission for 3 years. The answer is no. I could have children anywhere from 7 to 18 years old. Again there is no way I could care for a young child....and a teenager? Since stress makes my IC worse I can hardly imagine having a teenager. I know children can be a big help. There is no way I could have finished my last year of teaching if 25 of the 26 students I had hadn't banded together to do all the things I could no longer do. It also didn't hurt that I was way out in the portables so the principal had no idea how sick I was and how much the students did. That class was the best I had in my career, I truly went out on a high note. But I cannot expect a child to take over so many household duties, they deserve a happy childhood...with a few chores:smile tee

Once I had a woman tell me that the purpose of marriage is to have children. This was during a discussion about gay marriage, which I support. I looked at her and said " Are you telling me I'm not truly married since I have no children and will never be able to have them?" She got quite flustered. My husband is a wonderful man. My urologist praises him every time she sees him. She has seen many women divorced because of IC. Before I went on disability I was the one who did and handled almost everything... grocery shopping, maintaining the car, dealing with landlords, etc. Now, because I am so sick and can't drive he has had to take over all these chores. He had a rocky start, but now I think he does the grocery shopping better than I did! He loves me, supports me, takes care of me and he is my best friend. We can talk for hours. We are also equally comfortable when he is at his computer downstairs or watching TV and I am upstairs studying or playing console or computer games and not seeing each other for hours. But it is comforting to know there is someone in the house with me.

He even sent me to my parents this summer for my health. My disability company was doing a review to decide whether or not I could work. They stopped paying me in May and it was just the other day they called and said they'd decded I was "totally disabled" and I'll be gettting my pay back soon. All I had was my Social Security checks. But because we have a large apartment and live in southern Arizona, there was no way we could afford to air condition the house. Even in May the heat was making my condition worse. So he sent me 25 miles away to my parents while he stayed and sweltered through summer school and the start of school, he is a high school teacher. 25 miles is a torturous trip for me. And our car, well while it is fine in our small circle of work and stores, does not do well on long drives in the heat so I have seen only twice in just over 4 months. Ironicallly my parents' subdivision is across the street from where I used to teach. I have run into several students I taught over the years. When I see them I smile, we hug, we talk and when we go our separate ways I would cry my heart out in my Mom's arms.

IC controls my life. When it comes to children I'll never know if I could have had them if I tried. I might have decided not to have children myself, but I was very happy and fulfilled to teach and care for my classes each year. I love children, it breaks my heart to see those cute dresses for girls when I go to Wal-Mart. But I do know that if I'd had them before I got IC, I would not have been the best mother I could be, so it is for the best I never had them.

I am happy to say I'm going home next week. My checks will start coming soon, the weather has cooled down to 70's and low 80's so we probably won't need AC that much. And even though it has been wonderful staying with my parents...we have got along great, no arguements and it was wonderful not to be alone all day and most of the night, I am ecstatic to be going home to the man I love with all my heart and who takes care of me so well.

Unfortunately in our child centered society people can be cruel both intentionally and unintentionally. Most have no idea what it is like to have a severe, painful illness having known nothing more serious than a bad case of the flu or a broken bone. I know for myself that being childless is best for me even if it does break my heart at times.

I am Buddhist, so I believe we all have our role to play in this world. I thought mine was to be a teacher. I have yet to discover what my new role is, but it is there. And perhaps in the next life I'll be healthy and have the daughter and son I hoped to have when I used to dream about what married life would be like.

And now I only leave the house 3-4 times a month I no longer face those questions much and when the topic comes up on TV I change the channel. I have made peace with myself over my disease.

I wish everyone on the board the best of luck with their IC and all the other isssues that accompany it.

Best wishes

[Kara29]

I hear you on all of what you said! I feel the same way as you do about most of the issues you brought up. I would love kids but I can't take care of myself........

Thinking of You!

Kara:hi: