Loss of Friends? How do you cope?

[maryla]

I really didn't know where to post this, however, it is increasing my depression and anxiety.

I was just wondering how you cope with the pain and loss of friends? I am so angery right now at one of my friends, I never want to see her again as long as I live. SHE was the only one of my friends I felt understood what I go through on a daily basis.

Over the course of 5 yrs I have lost so many friends to this disease. I feel so betrayed and lonely by all that has tranpired in the last five years. I've had to let go of many of them.

For example one said, that "if I didn't stop being so tired all the time, people where going to stop calling me" I guess that meant "just get over it!" Other's were ashamed of me being in a wheelchair going through an airport. Others have told others that they didn't want me riding places with them because, I had to stop and pee all the time. Others have just stopped asking me to go places or do anything. One said I was just lazy! The lastest one said, I use to be so strong, I was her rock, and everyone looked up to me for help, she needed me to JUST try harder. And all I do is go to the DR. and take pain pills. I FEEL so HURT and betrayed by all this! I don't ever want to talk to any of them again. I cannot imagine treating anyone the way they have treated me.

I feel so hurt, PLEASE help! How have you handled this?

God Bless,

[ICNDonna]

:grouphug: One thing I have learned is who my REAL friends are.

Donna

[elamar]

I too don't have any real friends. I guess the best way to cope was by posting on these boards! I know it's not the same as getting together with real people. I have had people who I thought were my friends move away and not even tell me. They didn't even bother to send a change of address card so that's really a low blow. I am home alone most of the time. All my neighbors work and my kids are older and in school full time so I don't have the option of joining "play groups". A couple years ago we got our kids pet cockatiels (birds). They were supposed to be for the kids, but the birds have really bonded with me since I am home almost all the time. They spend alot of time sitting on my shoulders. I joined a parrot club and my family and I meet once a month with other parrot owners. I also started going to church again. The people there have been very nice to me. I'm not a very religious person, but it is a way to get out an meet new people. I cross stitch alot when the pain gets bad. I just do general housework and cooking. On nice days I do a little gardening. It is a fairly lonely existence. I am married, but my husband works long hours and the fact we can't have sex due to my IC has put a strain on things. We aren't getting divorced or anything like that, but I can see the frustration on his face and in his actions. I can't find any IC support groups in my area. I live in NJ and the only groups I can find are in north NJ which is almost 2 hours away. It's just too far to drive and they are always in the evenings. All I can recommend is maybe finding a hobby? Do you work? I wish I was able to have a part time job. My IC is just too fickle. I never know how I will feel from one day to the next so I don't think it would be fair to an employer to hire me. Plus good luck finding a job in this economy. I'm sorry your friends dumped you. Many of us have had the same thing happen. I hated telling people about the condition because I heard one of my "friends" say she didn't want me accidently peeing on her couch. I don't have incontinence! Others kind of back off when they hear there is "no cure". I honestly think they are under the impression they are going to "catch" this disease from me. Hope you manage to have a good day. Good luck to you.

[maryla]

Elamar,

No I don't work either. I'm on disability for my ic. That breaks my heart too. I have what my uro said is an "extreme case" I never know either how I'm going to feel from one day to the next. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and think tomorrow is going to be better and I'm going to do this or that and it just doesn't happen.

I still just cannot imagine what people think when they treat others like they do? How cold and evil. And then they tell you they love you. Something is wrong with that whole picture. That's not love!

Thank you for responding. IC is a lonely disease. I'm trying to find a place on here to get info on starting a support group in my area. Cannot seem to find anything.

Blessings,

[leelee88]

(((hugs)))

I use to have many friends, But since IC I have found those who I THOUGHT were my friends were only PEOPLE!! FRIENDS is a strong word and I only have a few now and they are the ones who understand what I am going through and truly know who I am inside and out.. IC might change are body but it does NOT change our souls!!

If those who are in your life is stressing you out and making life hard on you then I would not call them true friends..
Hang in there...

[katjonez]

Hi Mary and everyone,
I guess it seems to be universal. I too have lost all of my friends.
I use to have dozens of people I called friends. I spoke to most of them at least once a month. My closest friend has not called me in 5 years ! but then again, I have not called her either. I guess got tired of hearing all the negative things about me and how I was living . Like I have a big choice !!

Even though this is detached ((?) I mean this is not the same has having a friend right there ) I am very grateful for this board and all the support it has given me and everyone else, So thank you to ALL OF YOU !!!!!!!!

with love, joy and hope for more painfree days,
Katherine

[Dakota]

elamar: I noticed you said you're in NJ. So am I and I was wondering if you were talking about the group that meets in New Brunswick I think? I'm in central NJ, and it would be to far for me to drive too. Where abouts are you in NJ? I was working a part-time job up until October then lost it due to the economy. I've been trying to find another, but no luck yet. It's funny you mentioned the birds because I'm an animal lover, but don't think I have it in me to do a dog again, but I have thought about getting a bird. Years ago we had parakeets.

[dyno]

I also have learned who my real friends are. I have also formed wonderful friendships on here. Hang in there.:hi:

[VickiB]

I feel so hurt, PLEASE help! How have you handled this?

By becoming comfortable with the fact that they're wrong. It's not that simple and they don't understand. We do the best we can do given the cards we've been dealt. And maybe even more, if they don't care enough to try to understand, then what kind of friends are they anyway?

At the risk of being a real downer, I think most people turn out to be fair weather friends once tested. But true friends, they'll stick by you. Perhaps they'll need to step away for a bit, and maybe this is what's happening to you right now, but if they are real friends they'll be back once they come to terms with your situation.

You know, I think it can be difficult for those around us too. Lots of people don't deal well with health issues. I think it scares them.

Sorry you're feeling hurt. We aren't physically present for each other here at ICN, but there are very real, caring people behind each post!

Vicki

[Dakota]

Vicki: Very well said! I have an IC friend in Kentucky who I've never met in person. We speak once a week or so and have formed a bond in spite of the fact that we've never been face to face. I think this site is a special place filled with people who truly understand and care, and it means a lot to know we have a kind of shelter to turn to where people care and lend support.

[Hannah13]

I really didn't know where to post this, however, it is increasing my depression and anxiety.

I was just wondering how you cope with the pain and loss of friends? I am so angery right now at one of my friends, I never want to see her again as long as I live. SHE was the only one of my friends I felt understood what I go through on a daily basis.

Over the course of 5 yrs I have lost so many friends to this disease. I feel so betrayed and lonely by all that has tranpired in the last five years. I've had to let go of many of them.

For example one said, that "if I didn't stop being so tired all the time, people where going to stop calling me" I guess that meant "just get over it!" Other's were ashamed of me being in a wheelchair going through an airport. Others have told others that they didn't want me riding places with them because, I had to stop and pee all the time. Others have just stopped asking me to go places or do anything. One said I was just lazy! The lastest one said, I use to be so strong, I was her rock, and everyone looked up to me for help, she needed me to JUST try harder. And all I do is go to the DR. and take pain pills. I FEEL so HURT and betrayed by all this! I don't ever want to talk to any of them again. I cannot imagine treating anyone the way they have treated me.

I feel so hurt, PLEASE help! How have you handled this?

God Bless,

I'm so sorry you've been hurt this way and if I could spare you that pain somehow, I would. I'm sure we all feel that way here. To blazes with those people, they sound selfish and awful. God bless you. Hang in there.

[Preacher-Girl]

That's awful! I'm sorry that happened to you. As for me...friends? What friends?

[maryla]

Thank you all for your messages of support and love. I feel so bad for all of you too, it's bad enough what we go through day to day all ready and to have what we thought were love and support from friends is just all so sad to me. I feel so Blessed to know that I'm loved here even though we have never met in person, it's great to know and trust that hearts have a way of connecting through time and space. And it IS authentic.

One thing that is really ironic, is this same "friend" called me on my way to my uro one day and was telling me "what I needed to do" and my husband and I were stopped at a red light and I happened to look over at the car in front of us and on the back windsheild was this saying "If you haven't been there, SHUT UP! I pointed it out to husband and when I got off the phone with her, I told him what it was about. And we both just looked at each other with this knowing that it must have been a God Thing. Isn't God good!

I realize now that I have to let this "friend" go too, like a lot of the other ones. What she said and did to me was just too damaging to ever forget. I will forgive her in time for my own sake but I'll never go back for more. I'll have to see this person from time to time in social functions. I will be as cordial as I can be and let it go at that.

Thank you all again, My Love to you :kiss:God Bless,

[katjonez]

I was reading " A Course in Miracles" a few years ago, at the time I was dealing with my brother-in-law. Not a very understanding or loving person. Well the was the Course offered to deal with him was to pray for him and send blessings daily !! huh !! It took my a long time to be able to do this but I have now and things have been better. We do not see each other often but it sure has made those times easier. I was very surprised ! although I do believe the change was in me not him. This really taught me that it is ALL about us and the way we percieve people. It has to do with the power we give them.
I always heard that if you see something in someone that you do not like, you need to look inside yourself. I think this situation really proved this to me.

I just love it when the univese shows us things in unusual ways !!!
Like Maryla's story about the ride to the dr. and the sign they saw

praying for more painfree days for ALL OF US !

[maryla]

Kathrine,

Thank you for that reminder to pray for her. My prayer is usually, God help me see the beauty in.........that you see. Believe me it has helped in many life situations.

I want to read that book. I heard about it a while back and it sounded like something I'd like to read.

I also believe that what we put out to the universe, we will get back.


Hugs and Blessings,

[luvsterriers]

I never had friends, but that's ok for me. Someone that isn't really a friend, but just someone I know told me that I should wear Depends because of my bladder issue. That wasn't right to say. I have learning disability and aspergers, so friendships are a challenge. I do get lonely especially week nights and weekends. I rather be alone than be teased though. I always wanted to be home schooled so that I can avoid the bullies. Anyone home schooled? What do you think of home school? I would have taken online college courses too. I just hate crowds. I hate parties. I hate having to make conversation at work. Actually talking on here is fine by me.

[Kara29]

I've been hurt so many times by people, it makes me not want to even have friends anymore. All I have are my IC Friends and my family and that is enough. I wish I could have children to focus on but that isn't happening. I get lonely every day and I know weekends are bummers.

You'll find a lot of love and support on these boards. We all try to be as understanding of each other as we possibly can, so you are not totally alone.

I remember one of my friend's said that the IC people were crazy, so she hid the fact that she was talking to us and I think that is a shame. We are Human and have A LOT of compassion to give all around. There should be no shame in having friends who had IC or other issues. We are not our IC. We are first and foremost, Human and have feelings.

Kara:hi:

[LolaDoggie]

I think we've all had similar experiences. I've had to even tell my best friend since we were 10 years old, who has been behind me always that little comments about my bladder hurt my feelings. I think people in general do better with medical events than they do with chronic medical conditions. I had lots of help and support through my hysterectomy. But, I've really not had any since my IC has gotten worse and I came out of remission with it.

I would agree with just about all the posts here. I don't have that many friends. I have some people in my life, but my expectations of them are pretty low. I don't expect them to understand my condition, I don't expect them to remember what I told them when I explained it to them. No I actually don't need depends, thank you, because my bladder disease does not cause me to dribble pee, but thanks for thinking of me. I don't expect them to remember that.

It's pretty frustrating. The upside is, if you don't waste your time on the duds, wonderful people will come into your life. You learn to be your own best friend.