Newbie and having sex drive issues...

[Frodo33]

I'm fairly new to this board, but since this is a current issue regaring my marriage...its a good place to start.

I have been dealing with IC since I've been a teen. I was finally diagnosed last year. I was put on Elmiron but it didn't seem to make a difference. I do experience bouts of remission, but then out of the blue the symptoms return with a vengence.

I am now going to alter my diet to see if that has a positive affect for me.

The big issue for me and my husband now is my lack of sex drive. I know having sex with my husband can cause a flare up, so I'm always afraid that it might come back. I find myself extremely tense and can't relax. Even when I'm having a long period of no symptoms I still have anxiety regarding stress.

It is wearing my husband down and frustrating us both. We didn't have this problem when we first met because I was symptom free for almost a year. He can't understand what happened and why I'm not the same.

he says he loves me and we will work through it, but it scares me just the same.

Will I ever get my drive back and what can I do to help this situation.

I'm not very good at talking about these topics, but will appreciate any feedback or advice.

Sincerely



:rolleyes:

[Kathi]

I think this is a common problem with most of us. Are you on any antidepressant? As this can alter sex drive too. Maybe a warm bath to relax those muscles before sex might help. I would talk to your doc about it. He's heard it before, I'm sure.
:grouphug: Kathi

[Sarojini]

Hi Frodo33,

First, let me welcome you to these boards and to the ICN... you've found a wonderful site and there are lots of wonderful people here. You will find SO much support and a lot of information to help you deal with your IC proactively!! :grouphug:

Sex is a big issue for most IC patients, myself included. I think we have all been through periods where we just had absolutely no urge to have anyone mess around below our belt... whether it is because we are in pain, we are afraid of being in pain during the act or afterwards, or simply because we are just so darn distracted by everything else going on in our lives at the moment!! I know that when my husband and I first got married, we'd have sex 4 or 5 times a week... and then IC struck and that was dramatically reduced.

As for problems with desire, first off, I'd make sure you aren't on any medications that can interfere with the normal desire/arousal phase of sex... for example, certain antidepressants and other drugs can interfere with your sex life by lowering your libido and making it difficult to experience orgasm.

That said, if you're like most of us, your desire is often down because you're afraid it is going to hurt... with good reason! That is what the girls here on the boards can help with... first off, we have suggestions for what to do to help relieve and/or prevent the pain. For example, using lots of lubrication (my husband and I like a lubricant called Liquid Silk) can really help out. Also, you should experiment with different positions to find out which are best for you... I have certain ones that I can do with very little pain now, but we had to discover them through a trial and error process.

In addition, I get a lot of urethral burning after sex, so I find that taking a urinary analgesic before sex, like Pyridium or Urised, can really reduce that feeling. You can also use an ice pack (or heat... whatever makes your pain better) on your vulva after the deed. I like ice... cools the fire :)

Some people suggest taking a muscle relaxant/anti-anxiety pill before sex (Valium, Klonopin, etc). This will relax your pelvic floor muscles and perhaps make sex more comfortable for you... and has the added benefit of relaxing you and helping with the "arrrgh, it's gonna hurt!" jitters. I've never tried this myself, but there are others here who have.

I think the best thing to do is to try to slowly get back in the groove ... you don't have to go for it all at once. If you're flaring, don't push it. Try on a day when you're feeling good, and try some of the tips you get from this site. Hopefully, you'll get lots! Ideally, you need to have an experience where the pain is drastically reduced... that is the best aphrodesiac I know :)

Finally, I know it's hard.... but you can also discuss this with your doctor. He/she may have tips for you as well, and may be able to adjust your IC meds so that you are more comfortable.

Please PM me or email me at any time if you want to talk :grouphug:

Good luck,

Jen

[Frodo33]

I was on Prozac and that really caused havoc on the drive, so I have not been on it for almost a year. When I was on the meds sex was never on my brain.
At least now I think about and find myself getting excited about being with my husband, but there's always that "what if" a flare comes back.
This morning it came up in issues and I just fell apart. He thinks I have no interest in him and he's hurt. I try to explain it to him, but its always the same story.
I wrote him a letter about how I feel and that I want to make it work for you.

I told him that it was hard for me to even be affectionate because I didn't want to lead him on. So we are taking it slow and I will try to be more affectionate knowing that it doesn't mean it has to go anywhere I'm not ready for.

I'm very lucky he listens to me and is willing to work on alternative plans so we can both be happy. I just hope he continues to be patient and loving if this is something I'm going to have to live with.

Your posts really made me feel better.
i've felt so dysfunctional lately I didn't know what to do.

thanks so much!

:angel:

[vm]

I have found that having my husband give me a full body massage before sex REALLY makes a big difference for me. Both in terms of me getting relaxed, but also in terms of my desire. We buy aromatherapy body oil from Bath and Body Works and every time we make love he massages me for about 20 minutes prior to sex. He loves doing it and it makes such a difference.

[ljl765]

This story is so sad. I completely underdstand how you feel, You could be any of us! I personally can't feel "sexy" when I am in pain..and WHO would push this if they loved you anyway?? My hubby just had a Kidney infection and couldn't stop "urinating".. WOW, you never saw such understanding as when he realized I feel like that all the time..and suffer in relentless pain too..w/or without pain meds it's hard to feel sexy in pain.
I would say wait, yes..wait until YOU want to have sex, .. The pressure needs to be off of you to perform. He should be more understanding of your illness. There is (fortunately) more to a good solid relationship then the end result of a sexual union..Just my humble opinion. I hate to see women feeling guilty about an illness none of us asked for, deserve or caused to happen! If he had an illness would you pressure him and make him feel guilty..of course not..Women are too sweet for that :-) Good luck to you, if he speaks to an MD make sure it's a woman...Who can understand us more then one of us :-)..Just my humble opinion. Good luck to you. PS..no I don't hate men

[Katrina]

:welcome: I deal with that problem always. For me communication is the biggest helper for that. There are always little things men can do to help....but we need to tell them what we need. Beyond that I think relaxing those musscles before and after sex helps make sure the pain is low or non exsistant. If you are used to bad flares I recommend right after sex not moving for at least 15 minutes and probably using heat (even if there isn't any pain yet) to get those musscles relaxed. If that isn't enough alternate between heat and cold.

I am sorry you have this problem....I struggle with it and find that it can improve it just takes a lot of work.


Take Care,

[ic-debra]

vm,

Your advice is spot on. Even if it doesn't end in intercourse but you help him (or allow him to comfortably help himself), you will both benefit. :)