Making hubby understand...

[amethyst79]

Some of you seem to have such supportive spouses!

I've been trying not only to cope with "being sick" but making my husband understand.

Last week started my diagnostic testing, I had imaging tests done on Wednesday, and we attempted the cystoscopy on Thursday but my lungs were too congested and the uro didn't want to risk putting me under anesthesia. Both times, despite my request for hubby to stay with me at the hospital - he dropped me off and picked me up later.

Tonight we were ready to claw eachother's eyes out when I asked him to order and pick up a pizza. I was cramping very badly and wasn't up to cooking, he simply didn't want to drive out to get the pizza (we live in a small town with like no delivery :mad: ) Of course, I ended up giving in and cooked...

I need some way to convince him that this isn't the flu! He seems to act as if I'm over playing symptoms and this will all just blow over soon. I want him at my cystoscopy on Monday, but I don't think I will be able to convince him to stay. I try to read him information and share sites - but he won't do it.

Any suggestions?

[Sarojini]

Hi amethyst79,

First, I'm sorry you're having health problems, and I'm sorry you feel you aren't getting enough support from hubby :grouphug: I think I'd certainly feel a bit let down if my husband didn't stay with me during my cysto/hydro, etc.

I am lucky, my hubby has been supportive from the beginning ... but there are a lot of women on here who's husbands started out like yours and they have gently brought them around. They may be able to offer you some suggestions as well!

I don't know what to suggest, other than to continue sharing information with your husband. Sometimes men are darn stubborn about these things. I suspect a lot of their resistance comes from not knowing how to deal with the situation... your husband has probably not dealt with many people who have chronic pain disorders. Sometimes I think they'd rather just ignore the situation and hope that it will go away... like an ostrich putting its head in the sand :lmao: It's very frustrating!!!

I guess the best thing to do would be to keep sharing info about your health problems, and hope that he comes around...I know it would be great if he were supportive immediately, but unfortunately a lot of men need time and space to come to terms with things. That doesn't mean that what he's doing now is right, but hopefully it DOES mean that in the future he'll come right around when he decides to accept the situation.

In the meantime, perhaps you have other friends or family that you can lean on. In addition, you have all of us on these boards, and we will support you no matter what :grouphug:

Sorry I cannot be of more help

:(

Jen

[ad8123]

Hello, I wish I could tell you how great my husband is handling everything and that it will all be ok but I can't. My husband handles it well for the first month after diagnoses, he like myself was mostly relieved to have aname for the mystery illness that had been plaguing me for months before. Now he and i are like strangers living in the same house, he and i are no longer intimate and not because I am to ill, simply because he would rather not. IC can destroy anything but I suspect in my case it was bound to fail anyway. Maybe your husband is scared? Maybe he is just angry? Maybe he is selfish? I guess the only thing I can say is that everything in life is a fight, you have to fight to overcome the pain(is that even possible) and you have to fight strangers who can't "see" the disease and in the end you have to fight the ones you love too.

Best of luck
May God bless and keep you
May your day provide some release from the pain
angela
From Florida

[Dixiefireball]

at first with me it was touch and go my husband wouldn't listen well one day i was so bad there was no way i could get into the doctor office without his help.
i had to fuss to get him to help me in but yet he said if i was able to fuss i wasnt hurting.
well after getting into the office and back to a room and no he didn't want to help me back the rn seen how bad i was and asked him to help me.
my doctor over heard him fussing at me. well my doctor flat out told him how i was and what type of pain i had to go threw he had a long hard talk with my husband and my doctor is a very nice caring chirstan man so he did put it to my husband nicely.
but when we left that office my husband has been more understanding and careing.
sometime it take a :bonk: on the head to get them to listen.
sending you hugs and prayers
Rhonda

[ad8123]

Ok I am still sad and angry but that cute little guy getting hit over the head made me laugh and i have not done that in a long while.:bonk: :biglaugh:

Sometimes it is the little things that keep us going.
Thank you
Angela in florida

[amethyst79]

You are all so great, and amusing - such a great thing to get a grin out of such irritating subjects!

Jen, the ostrich with his head in the sand thing - you just pinpointed my husband regarding everything but motorcycles, cars, and computers!

And Rhonda... oh I'd love to pound him in the head.

Angela, I think I'm more in the same boat with you, unfortunately. The past few months with hubby and I have been touch and go, right down to separate bedrooms. It's as if we're room mates sharing a house. I could make so many suggestions as to why, but with us the bottom line is we were always great friends, just a horrible married couple. I was hoping through all of this - I would have my best friend back, that's who I NEED now. I hope things get better for you, this alone feeling is really terrible!

I just bought some books on IC at Barnes and Noble.com.... hoping he'll take some time to look it over with me, if not I will read to him as he falls asleep and maybe something will sink in. Worst case scenerio the pound on the head or a nice kick in the groin so he knows how I feel!!

Hugs to all and thanks! :kissing:

Chelle

[Babs RN]

My husband has no clue. While he is improving, he can't deal with me when I feel really bad, gets highly teed off if I get admitted, and has not been a part of any of the procedures I have had done. He won't cook, grocery shop, or help with our 3 year old if he is around. He also gets ticked if I don't give him any so I usually do out of guilt. So if you ever need to vent, scream or yell, PM me, email me if you want. I can also give you my number so we can talk.

I am always there.

Hugs,
Barb:kiss:

[ad8123]

Hey amethyst,
Just wanted to say hello again. I tried talking with my husband yesterday, it did not solve the problem but it did help. I know what you mean about the friend thing my husband and i were friends 7years before we married and I miss that, we used to do everything together (but now i can not do alot of that stuff, he is really into outside sports and such). I feel best with him now when we put in a movie and I take a pain pill (a proseeds, and an allergy tab) then i get to sit real close and just smell him and feel safe. I know it is only for a moment but it helps me gather my strength. I hope we both find the answers we need. i am trying to get my husbadn to join the group so he can read about life with IC, he is resisting right now.


May God keep and Bless you always
Angela
:angel:
From Florida:bouncy:

[ICNDonna]

Sometimes it is extremely difficult for those who love us to accept that we have anything wrong --- sometimes it's not that they don't try to understand, it's just that they don't want to accept.

Also, if you're like me, when I am flaring, I just want to find a corner where I can curl up all by myself until I feel better. And it can be easy to push people away instead of reaching out for help. I know it was hard for me at first --- but it's well worth the effort.

Sending warm healing thoughts,
Donna

[amethyst79]

Angela, great for you on trying to get hubby to join in here! My hubby would never do that. We talked some about it yesterday and he said he has trouble "believing in something he can't see." Meaning my pain. If I had a broken leg with a cast on, he'd be a lot more sympathetic and understanding :rolleyes:

I know part of his problem is resistance in understanding and I asked if he'd read some of the books I bought, he said "maybe."

I guess just talking about it is that all important first step. BTW... a pain pill and a movie sounds great! Unfortunately, I just bought a DVD but my dr's had me on lortab, which doesn't do much else but make me tired... So sad to hit your head on the pillow before your children do!

Hugs to all, :hi:

Chelle

[amethyst79]

Hi All, I have made a great breakthrough with my husband!

:party:

Earlier today the hospital called to let me know what time I should be there for the cysto on Monday. The woman I spoke to told me it would be the cystoscopy, a hydrodistention, and possible biopsy. I have never been too sure what a hydrodistention was...

Sitting in the living room with my husband I mentioned the reason for the call and about the hydro. He asked what it was, and I told him I didn't know. After dinner I came up to the ICN website and found the information with the picture on that page. I printed this out and showed it to him.

He read "...letting it expand to a degree that is too painful to acheive while the patient is awake." and gave me a hug! He commented on the picture shown and I showed him the others, linked at the bottom of the hydro page... He started exploring the ICN page on his own... and... ASKING ME QUESTIONS!

What really made me feel good was when he asked if I'm ever in pain when in the car with him driving, and I told him that yeah, sometimes I'm a little crampy and he then asked if there is something he could do to make me more comfortable!!!

I mentioned he's the type who won't believe there's a problem until he sees it... I think seeing the picture on the hydro page really changed his tune. I'm thrilled with his sudden interest and concern... He even watched the kids so I could nap earlier!

Thanks to all of you for your comments and suggestions... THANK YOU ICN SITE :)

Hopefully those of you still having trouble with hubby will be able to find something that works for you too.

Happy Easter All :bunny:

Chelle :cat:

[creatingkarma]

I usually think of my husband as very supportive, but he does get frustrated at times. It's not because he's mad at me, it's because there is nothing he can do to help me. He likes to think of himself as my knight in shining armour & it hurts him that he can't solve all of my problems. However, I still get so tired of him coming home from work & seeing that I'm in pain & asking me what's wrong. The same thing is wrong today as it was yesterday & the day before that. His constant asking makes me wonder if he really understands or not. He's also always asking me why I'm so tired all the time. And every time I tell him: well, I'm on 10 medications that all have drowsiness as a side effect & all say 'Do not drive or operate heavy machinery.....'. Plus, I'm fighting pain all day. Plus I stay at home with my very energetic & strong-willed 4 year old, plus I think I have chronic fatigue & fibro (seeing a dr. in May for those), and I'm bi-polar which causes me to have terrible downs where I can't get out of bed for days. Instead of asking what's wrong or why are you tired, he should be asking me what's not wrong & why aren't you tired on those few days that I'm doing well. Thank you for letting me vent also!

Karma

[ad8123]

Chelle
I am so glad that things are improving (the power of prayer I think). I talked with my hubby too. I can not say if it exactly helped but he told me why he does not ask me how I feel anymore-he said he can see the pain and the fatigue and he noticed it made me sad when he would ask, plus he said half the time I lied and said iwas fine, when he could tell I was not. i guess in a way it is good that he is more aware. He said he is frustrated too, he can not fix it and it just keeps going on and on and getting worse.

Maybe there is hope. Still a lot to work on but then again every marriage even when everyone is happy/healthy takes work! I think everyone with IC must actually be strong. We keep going even though the pain feels like it could kill us.

Have a great Easter I will keep you and your hubby in my paryers.
Angela
From Flroida