Not again..

[luvsterriers]

It has been 5 months since the death of my grandfather. Thanksgiving and Christmas was just empty and sad without him. Easter is coming up and it's going to be sad. Even though it will be my entire dad's family there, it still feels empty. I never experienced death before till my grandfather's death. I never attended a funeral before either. So his death is really taking a long time to get over. I was thinking of going to grief support groups through local Catholic churches, but I don't know about that. My grandfather was in his 80s. He had pneumonia and heart problems and was on so many medications. He used a walker but mostly was in wheelchair. I think he wanted to die so that he wouldn't have to suffer. I do hope that he is happy in heaven with Jesus. I do at times talk to him as if he's still here. I talk to him while I walk my Westie. I talk to a picture of him and my grandmother. That sounds crazy talking to someone who isn't alive. I hear that some people claim to talk to their departed loved ones, but that could be a dream. Sometimes I do wish my grandfather can appear to me and tell me that he's happy. I know I SHOULD have canceled my trip to Canada. I should have stayed in the US. I should have went to New Jersey just to see him even though he was on his death bed. He said his good byes to my dad, aunt, and my uncle. I last saw him July 4th, and he died on Nov 5th. At the time my grandfather was on his death bed, some of mom's family from Seoul came to visit. So I was in a bind. Do I stay in the Virginia, or go to New Jersey? I had an ailing grandfather. My dad was in New Jersey for a week, and we all thought my grandfather was going to die before Election Day, but he didn't. Few days before he died, he would call out Josie's name, but my Great Aunt Josie died a long time ago. Dad came back home on Nov 3rd. Then we got the dreaded call at 6pm Nov 5th from my aunt saying that my grandfather passed away. We went straight to New Jersey the next day and I took off work till Tuesday. I am still in shock over his death. Maybe more so now since Easter is coming up. :( :(


Anna

[VickiB]

:grouphug:

Anna, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know, it leaves an empty space in your heart that is always a source of sadness. And holidays can be especially hard! More so in the beginning, and I don't know if that empty space ever totally fills, though it does get better.

If it's crazy to talk to those who've passed on then I'm crazy right along with you! I talk to my Mother on a regular basis, and I still feel her presence around me. I believe there is more to life than what we understand.

:grouphug:

Vicki

[SharonA]

Anna...Of course you miss your Grandfather. Holidays are a hard time for those of us who have lost important people in our lives. Both my parents have passed on and Christmas is always bitter sweet. Sweet because of the reason for the season and bitter because I miss my parents very much.

Don't think it odd that you talk to your Grandfather. It is your heart reaching out to him. There will always be a connection to him. He was a very important part of your life and your family's legacy.

If you feel that you will benefit from the grief support group, then do it. You will discover that you are not so different from anyone else who has lost someone special. We all grieve in different degrees, but it is still grief.

Be kind to yourself and allow the grief process to move at it's own pace. One day very soon, you will understand that grieving is very natural and healthy. For me, when I return to the grief of losing my parents, it makes me feel close to them and remember all the sweet memories that we shared when they were alive. When I am in that place, I can hear their voices, once again.

(((Hugs)))

[ICNDonna]

I think grief counselling could be a huge help for you. I think at least one session would be good. I know it's hard.

One of the things that helped me after I lost my parents, and later my brother was to think of a pleasant memory about them every day. It took a lot of time, and I still miss them, my brother more than anyone --- but when I think of him now, I remember the good times and am so thankful that he has been and is a part of my life.

Sending gentle hugs,
Donna

[luvsterriers]

Losing a parent is the worst. I don't know what I'll do when my parents pass on. I have no siblings. I don't want to feel like a crutch or laying on someone too much. I have always lived with my parents. When they go out of town, I get so depressed. It's really upsetting and embarrassing. I'm in my early 30s. I do have a Westie which keeps me great company, but then I wonder how I will deal with it when he's no longer here. I cry over deaths all the time. Even if I don't even know that person. A month after my grandfather died, a lady in our church choir passed away. She was 35 and a mother of a two young girls. These girls will never know their mother's love for them. The youngest isn't even a year yet. The oldest is 2 years old. She kinda understands that her mom is not here. I don't know this woman, but yet I grieve for her loss. Perhaps because of her age and the fact that two girls are now motherless. Her husband has a blog online. He is struggling too. He and wife have known each other since they were 18. This woman had a heart condition and died in her husband's arms. It's so sad. I take other peoples losses of a loved one and make it my own grief if that makes sense. When my uncle's dogs died, I was so sad. I just think death for me is hard, but it's hard on anyone.

Anna

[KarenAnne]

Anna, As the others have said, grieving is a "process". There is no time limit on it, sometimes it takes years. I got some books after my mother died five years ago & they were helpful. I recommend "The Tunnel and The Light", by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, also her book, "Death and Dying". There's another book, "Healing Your Grieving Heart", by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D., with ideas & simple activities to help with your loss.

You can get these books online or at the larger chain book stores. There are many phases to the grieving process, guilt being one of them. You may be "stuck" in one of the phases & grief counseling at your church is a good idea. Also talking about your grandfather or writing in a journal may help.

You have to decide to forgive yourself for not being with your grandfather when he died. Another good book is "Final Gifts", by Maggie Callanan & Patricia Kelley, two hospice nurses working with terminally ill patients.

And being sad for the lady in your church is normal. That's a very sad story & you are showing empathy for these people. Plus, I have always had pets & sadly, their lifetimes are usually shorter than ours. We pet owners always dread that inevitable time, that's normal too. I remember when you told us your grandfather died, it is not that long ago. But I promise you that it will get easier as the years go by. Big hug, Karen

[Cortana-mana]

My Aunt Nancy died a few weeks after I met my husband. He didn't go to the funeral and never met her. He could tell you where she lived, what she liked to do, and even some of the things she used to say. That is how much I talk about her all the time. Part of grief is very selfish. We don't want our loved ones to be gone. Talking to them helps us through that part.

As far as books go, I have read and reread A Grief Observed by CS Lewis every time there has been something difficult in my life, including IC. He wrote it after his wife died and he is so honest in it. It doesn't tell you how you should feel or what you should do, it just grieves along with you.

Counseling, group or individual, can be amazingly helpful.

[luvsterriers]

Well I got back from NJ yesterday and it wasn't any easier. Going to my grandparents house and not seeing my grandfather anymore is extremely hard. The holidays are the hardest. Grief takes so long. Perhaps because this is my first time ever grieving over a loved one. When I left NJ to come back home, I went into the room where my grandfather passed and said good bye to him and did a sign of the cross. I don't know why I did that. We are all Catholic as well. We had a Easter dinner with the entire family on dad's side. Everyone on my dad's family have dealt with deaths before. I'm just worried about my grandmother though. She's going to be 90 soon and she lives alone. She doesn't want to leave her house that my grandparents bought in the 1940s. They were married for over 60 years. But she does have a next door neighbor who takes care of her lawn and shovels the snow off her driveway. He also was willing to take her to go grocery shopping. My uncle and aunt live 20 min away so I'm sure they come a lot to help her out. I don't know what I would do if my spouse for that long passes before I did.

There is a song that we sang at my grandfather's funeral. "All I ask of You" It's written by Gregory Norbert, who was then a monk at Weston Priory. They have a website and you can listen to some of their recordings. Well "All I ask of you" is on there. It's such a pretty song. I want my grandfather back. I want to hear his jokes. I want to hear that walker again scraping across the kitchen floor. I want to hear at 9pm telling us he is going to bed. :( I'm a mess. :help::confused:

Anna

[ICNDonna]

Just remember that you still have your grandfather in your heart. You can remember his jokes, and you can remember many wonderful things about him.

I'm glad your grandmother can be in her own home where she wants to be. I know that's very important to her.

Sending gentle hugs,
Donna

[SharonA]

I wish I could give these to you in person, but pretend that I am there. (((Hugs)))

[luvsterriers]

Thanks all. Losing a loved one for the first one is extremely hard, but I know I can never forget my grandfather. I just have to understand that he is no longer suffering and is in peace smiling down from heaven.


Anna