peeved at sister

[tigger_gal]

:hi: I may be a bit jumbled her, as I am very upset over a sitituation that took place last night. My husband and I are taking Triumph FASD classes to learn how to work with, raise and understand Jake. I made it a point to get the childrens Grandmother the flyers that are passed out if you didn't have a book. She does my respite and cls care. I was showing her the brain of a normal child, and one with FASD where the Corpus Callosum - passes information from the left brain (rules, logic) to the right brain (impulse, feelings) and vice versa. The Corpus Callosum in an individual with FAS/ARND might be smaller than normal, and in some cases it is almost nonexistent.
Well she went off on me like she thre boiling water on me saying well why are they wasteing your time 1 night a week for a 3 hour class when they don't even know? why can't they just do a ct scan or an mri and see the brain? I told her that they both were screened and both came back positave. Savannah has more fascial features and Jake the behavioral, sensory features, they actually believe Jake has brain based trauma where the nerves do not go down the entire head. http://www.come-over.to/FAS/FASbrain.htm I am so angry, but more hurt, because she makes remarks to others that I just don't teach Jake things, and don't want to be bothered potty training him. I am fed up with all of this, and bascially stuck in this position of her working for me until the adoption is final. Then I will drop the respite and cls. I rather deal with the extra work then someone completely in denial and makes it out to be I am an inadaquit mother.

any suggestions, besides telling her not to come back, because thats non complience.

[Briza]

I am sorry for your current and ongoing situation. I wish I had some advice to offer:( But many prayers your way:pray:

[VickiB]

I'm sorry you're in this situation too! In having to deal with a challenge we need all the support we can get, and negative attitudes are counter productive. It's especially harsh when it comes from one's own family!

Unfortunately, I don't have any suggestions for you either, other than don't let other's comments define you as inadequate! -Or make you doubt your own actions when you know better!

:grouphug:
Vicki

[tigger_gal]

thanks girls, I was going to have her go with me to ctac, but I now will not waste my time educating her on fasd. There are many issues that are so hard to explain with her, I guess to under you would have to listen to her per say.
2 weeks ago I was telling my behavior specialist that Jake got mad one day because Mickey Mouse wasn't on and he shoved the 19 inch tv into the floor, and she told me I had no business putting a tv in his room. Despite the fact how she felt about the tv is her own problem, the fact was he did it. I procceded with telling her jakes discovery of his package and liked to play with it. I never had a boy, but people I had talked to with boys said that is usually something a 18 month to 2 year old thing, and they stop that long before they are 3 1/2, So Cathy, says that is not so!!! he found it long ago. I said yes he did, but he recently decided to play with it. I was upset with her over it. Another time she got me and Dave into a fight because we were running late and she said he better learn to get his butt (used the other word) and get ready for work and be out the door at such and such. Then when she had came over and he got up sick, she whined and complained the entire day she didn't need to come if he wasnt working, so the next day and every other day he was sick or off for holidays I told her not to come Dave was home and of course she whined and complained about that. So I told her, you complain if hes here when you are and you complain if I tell you not to come, deal with it or quit. you complain if hes home and you can;t get your hours, she can she just don't want to be here with him home.
Its on going and never ends, and this is just a very small amount of what I listen to 530 to noon everyday.
Then with the classes we have to go to, she will come here and watch the kids and deduct it from the cls and respite. She can't just be a grandma for 3 hours on thursday night. She has gone so far as to tell me she would put Jake in his place if he got out of hand. I told her I hope you understand you are not dealing with a child that is not mentally 3 1/2 years old, so don't you dare spank him. One night class ran over and when we got here she had her coat on and clutching her purse like she was holding a wild animal, she ripped on me and walked out the door.
ok sorry I am on a complain mode here, I guess I needed to spill my guts.

[leelee88]

Well Cindy sometimes when you have someone bringing you down as much as you try you just have to distance you and your family from that person..I know when my sister gets like this with me I know I just have to back away. It does nothing but cause me grief and distress and being sick like I am that is NOT good for me..I have cut ties with a lot of toxic people since I have been diagnosed with IC..

I say if they stress you out, bring you down or constantly complain to you about a never ending situation about themselves and gives you NO support. Then something has to give.. And this might be one of those times where you just might have to say enough is enough!! I know she is your sister but she does nothing but cause you grief!

[ICNDonna]

How soon will the adoptions be finalized? It sure seems like this has taken a long, long time. I hope it will be soon!

Huge hugs,
Donna

[jaime15]

Do you have to wait on your adoption to be finalized before telling her her services are no longer needed?
I know she is your sis and the Grandma..........but do you wonder if she acts out this way because it is how she is dealing with what her own daughter did to these children?
It would definitely be a hard pill to swallow. But the reality is...........if these children were not in your care, they would be bouncing around from foster home to foster home. She needs to think really hard about this.
Some people aren't cut out to be grandparents either. My son doesn't have a medical problem. Yet one set of grandparents have not seen him since Jan. 21st. And we are 35 minutes from each other.
So my theory is.....does she WANT to be there for them or give you grief for the situation SHE can't get a handle on?
I just really admire you for not thinking about yourself and jumping in to rescue them from a life of unknowns.

[SharonA]

Is there any way you can remove her from doing the respite care and get someone else who may have a better understanding of Jake's special needs? Seems to me that this would be essential when caring for a child like Jake and even Savannah. I am surprised that she was even approved to do this for you.

Sending you lots of (((hugs))) and some atta girl high fives. You are doing such a wonderful job with these two kids. They are truly blessed to have you and Dave.

[Briza]

As a middle school teacher I worked with many students who had FAS....even tho I am not a special ed teacher, I taught science and usually at least at middle school level and high school special ed students are mainstreamed and put into regular classes for science and social studies/history so I did have to adjust lessons for them and deal with behavior and lower aptitude issues. For English, Reading, Math, they were usually in special ed classes. Anyway, I applaud you for your love, diligence, and caring...and please know that from my experience, those who seem "behind" in behavior and educational aspects, that the gap DOES seem to narrow as they grow older. Most times not completely, but the students that I had in middle school who were affected by FAS were much more in control of themselves in both social and learning situations by the time they reached middle school, probably much more so than what you are dealing with right now with your very young ones. I hope this gives you some hope that things will not always be as stressful as they are right now.

Sharon posted above: Is there any way you can remove her from doing the respite care and get someone else who may have a better understanding of Jake's special needs? Seems to me that this would be essential when caring for a child like Jake and even Savannah.
I wonder if a special ed teacher or college student specializing in special ed would be a possibility for replacing your sister in the "assistance" she provides you, both now and in the continued future longterm... I ask because teachers/college students who specialize in this tend to be extremely patient and calm in all situations. For example, my aunt retired from special ed teaching to care for my grandmother fulltime who has severe alzheimers...so severe that nursing home is not an option for her. My aunt is so very kind and patient with her even if my grandmother doesn't remember my aunt's name from one second to the next...that patience and calm tends to be a common trait among special ed teachers and college students speciailizing in special ed. Possibly a college student would provide care at no cost for extra credit or internship or project required for their courses and degree...anyway, don't know if this would be an option, just throwing some ideas out there in case they are a possibilty to improve your situation. If you decide to look into this get in touch with your local unversities and colleges and ask to speak to special ed director or education chairperson/director, or behavioral science director/chairperson, to see if there are any students who would need to do such things as a requirement for courses and graduation....also many states require that teachers have so many hours of continuing education and training...I had to have 150 hrs every 5 yrs...and something like your situation would qualify as hours of training/experience...so an experienced special ed teacher might find this as an opportunity to earn those hours....you could put in calls to schools in the districts in your area to find out about this...I would suggest starting with calling the main district office and asking to speak to the special ed coordinator and explaining your situation and take it from there....if that doesn't produce results then start calling principals and ask them to send an announcement thru email to the special ed dept and teachers about this opportunity to earn their required training...Take care!

[tigger_gal]

Donna some issues came up and there was a tdm called, my case worker got transfered and my complex case was given to a new case worker fresh out of college. She called the police station in the old city and got 31 calls in the last 2 years at that address. (we have been gone when these 32 reports were made) what she failed to realize they were for breakins to a vacant property, and a few other "mistakes" she made and she lost the case, so in the process of adoption I have gone theu 3 case workers, 3 drug tests, and 2 physic evals! They both told me I have it more together then parents with normal childen. yea :) I thought I was going a bit :loco:! I am going to talk to the behavior specialest and see if she can put it in Cathy's plan to attend these classes!! however I like your Idea about the college students. Do they get paid, or do they just do it to get their hours in. I would not mind a college student coming over to observe and play with Jake. thats an awesome idea.
Girla I want you to know how much I appriciate your help it means the world to me.

much love
cindy

[Briza]

For either college students specializing in special education or behavioral science (undergrad or grad students) and certified special ed teachers my thoughts are that neither would have to be paid for their time if you were to go thru the proper channels of contacting heads of depts at colleges and schools and school districts.. From my experience both students and teachers would probably be very thankful that THEY DON'T have to pay for the experience (and most times teachers and college students are NOT paid or reimbursed for any expenses incurred) for the required training hours, continuing education, special projects/internships (that are often required for college students),etc., since most/many continuing ed and training requires either require the employer (for certified teachers...school, district, grant) or the teacher or college student to pay out of pocket themselves to earn these hours of training and continuing ed or internship. For teachers it is often a fight to get employer/school district to pay for the required continuing ed sessions: requires paying for a substitute and reimbursing teacher for mileage and often lunch...and probably moreso right now, I hate to bring this up, with the economy/recession...schools are getting much less State and Federal and grant funding to pay for anything and everything.
So yes, please, try to take advantage of this if at all possible....just start making calls, make appts to meet with directors, chairpersons, professors, teachers, grad and undergrad college students and let them know your needs...I promise you there is high demand esp right now for free training services, esp after work hours for teachers, since schools right now are tightening up and are becoming more restrictive on paying for subs while a teacher is at a daytime training session.
IF you have any other questions feel free to ask...I am in TX and for teachers esp training requirements vary from state to state....hopefully some of the other educators on the board will see this thread and offer any suggestions that may be helpful or applicable to you!:)
You are very welcome...and I do hope any of my suggestions are an option for you and your children either now or in the future; even after adoption has been finalized assistance such as this could give you some hours of much needed stress and overload relief!