need a little help

[icbeauty]

i'm doing all right. i really am. i think age is helping with that. but as the 2 pg girls at my work are starting to show now, i'm finding myself wistful at times.

i tend to hide in my classroom a lot of the time. but even when my door is closed after school, i can hear them in the hall (for some reason everyone stands right outside my classroom door, grrrr) just chattering away about the babies and the pregnancies, and the other teachers are all there talking about their past experiences too. i turn on a cd player, and it still doesn't help. i don't understand it. why do they have to stand right there in front of my door? even if the door is open, they still do it. weird. are they trying to get a reaction from me? or is it just a good spot to stand?

i don't understand that at all. but i'm trying to cope. and i will cope. i just get frustrated every now and then.

[SharonA]

I am so sorry this is happening, but I doubt it is deliberate. I think it is just coincidental that it is your door way that they are gathering in front of since you say that everyone choses it. It might be a good idea to speak with these ladies and let them know that you are having a hard time and need their help. I hope that, if you do this, it will raise their awareness level.

(((Hugs)))

[waterflow]

I agree with Sharon. They might not even know it bothers you. I'm so sorry you are feeling what you are feeling. I don't know how old you are but I'm 44 and it still gets hard at times for me. When I was in my 30's I would cry at the stores when I saw babies or little girls. Always wanted a girl. It's strange how we can get such strong feelings for something.

[Kara29]

I hear you on this. Pregnant Women love to talk about it anywhere and anytime around anyone and they don't care that it may hurt other people. While they have the right to be happy and talk about it.

Maybe you could ask them to move away from your door because need to concentrate on something important and the noise is bothering you.

I've got 4 books in my lap regarding these issues. I'm trying to look up advice from some of them but it's too much information. If you'd like to find out what I am reading to move on and up, please feel free to private message me. These books have really helped me with lots of situations that are as painful as what you are telling us.

Warm Hugs,

Kara

[icbeauty]

thanks for your kind replies. i did find out something today. one of the girls who is in the classroom next to me has a new granddaughter (born just this week), so i think that's why they have been standing right at my door. they've been talking to her in her classroom and then continuing the conversation in the hall. but instead of moving down the hall, they're just standing right there.

so it wasn't anything intentional, but it still does hurt sometimes. i got an email today of pictures of the new grandchild (it's weird because the grandmother is only a few years older than i am, and i guess that means i'm getting on in years, lol), but i couldn't open it. not yet. maybe another day.

thanks for your replies though. i appreciate it.

[SharonA]

(((Hugs)))

[amaranthe]

I understand how you feel. It is hard for me too. I feel like I dont even belong in THIS forum. You see, I have children, but wanted more, but had very hard times with my pregnancies and almost died. The Drs. all agreed that it would do me in to have more. Plus, I had endo so bad, and things were so painful, they didnt think it was possible anyway. So, I had to have a total hysterectomy. I cried for weeks and was inconsolable.

The worst is NO ONE gets it. People are like "you HAVE kids, what's the big deal?" However, I just feel like our family is incomplete.....like I am incomplete. Like most women, I wanted a daughter badly. But, I had sons. Not, taking ANYTHING away from them, I mean I love them dearly, but I still yearn for a girl too.

I feel guilty saying that, (especially here.) It seems like such a bad thing to say. But, that emptiness is just there, and the longing never goes away for another one that I cant have. (Adoption is out. We tried, but with all my health conditions, they all said no.)

I try to avoid pregnant women and babies like the plague, but they are everywhere. And of course, little girls are everywhere! So, since I cant make the world stay home, I do.

I guess I just wanted you to know that even though you probobly cant relate to me, I can relate to you, and I understand that ache that never leaves, and the profound sadness to hear of pregnancies, births, baby showers, etc. (I dont even go to the parts of the ICN where those things are announced, and frankly wish I couldn block those forums from appearing on my screen!) But, no, I dont tell anyone in "the real world" this stuff, (not even my husband), b/c no one can fix this, talking isnt going to help it (even THINKING about it makes it worse) and the last thing ANYONE wants is to be around a depressed person. So, I suck it up, and just try to go on, taking each day at time, each day telling myself the same lie, "tomorrow it wont hurt so bad." Maybe one day I will believe it and maybe someday, it really wont be. They say if you tell a lie enough times,you start to believe it yourself... well, I am working on that! :)


I wish all of you the best and hope one day it will be true for all of us.

Sending hugs and understanding to all of you,
Amaranthe

[Kara29]

Amaranthe and to all of us as well,

Loss is Loss, just because you have two kids, you lost the opportunity to try for a daughter and your feelings need to be validated here just as those of us who can't have any children at all. Or even those of us who have had our children taken away from us via separation and or divorce/custody battles.

I can especially relate because I wanted and still want a baby girl. Don't be so hard on yourself. Allow yourself to esperience the greiving time that you need. Being sick has taken away your dream at having more children. It is right and good to grieve for that dream, even if you can see another life ahead with your boys. There is no time limit on how long this can take. Some people who say "get over it" are clueless and heartless. There are so many people in this world with no conscience.

Whenever you need to release all of your emotions whenever they arise, just know thqat you are not alone and we all try to love and support without judgement here. That is why I had Jill create this board, so we had a place to talk about our feelings regarding not being able to have children due to illnesses or in your case not being able to have more children. Not being able to have children or the daughter you long for, strikes at the heart, the essence of a woman's identity. We feel and experience loss that is so deep and lasting. At times it feels so unbearable. I like to use this definition of the word loss: loss is when there is a failure to obtain that which the heart desires. This loss is real because the children who live in our hearts are real.

I don't want you to suffer in silence because you will cut yourself off from the comfort and support of others who care. Childlessness is discussed so rarely in our society that it has taken on an almost taboo quality. Not here. Weather you have children, even if you wanted the dream of 5 children....This is the place to let it all out. It will be important for some of us to seek out the addition of a good therapist but until that can be done, you can come here. Those of us who feel strong enough will be able to at least listen to you and hear you out.

People's reactions to not having children can range from mild dissapointment, to intense grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming, your heart can actually hurt. It's a pain that doesn't go away. The mental pain may pass but the loss is forever.

So please, come here as often as you feel sad and lonely. That's what we are here for. I'm sorry I've been gone for a while but the reason stems from this very fact.

My 3 Best friends are all pregnant with number 3, each of them. I'm still at a big FAT ZERO......so I needed some time to cry and be weak. I'm glad I caught this post because it just showes that we all need eachother to make it through this harsh part of life.

Warm Hugs to you ALL and everyone should feel welcome in here! :welcome:

Kara:hi:

[amaranthe]

DEar Kara,

Thank you for your warm and caring reply. I really wasnt expecting that from anyone. It made me cry to read your post, (something I dont allow myself to do very often, but couldnt control this time.) It DOES hurt. But, ironically, I think it hurts even MORE to know that you understand, (because the only way someone could understand this kind of pain is if they experianced it too, and it KILLS ME, that you DO understand b/c it kills me to know you feel what I am feeling too. No one should ever have to feel this.

But, I truly appreciate your heart felt response. I actually saw you on this thread for a while (the first time you tried to reply). You sat here for a while formulating a response, and then you got off for a while and there wasnt a response after all. I knew exactly why. So, thank you for coming here and posting, replying to me and the others, even though it makes you think of your own pain and situation and hurts you terribly. Each time you work thru your pain to help another, you have taken something horrific, and produced at least something good from it. I am not there yet, but I hope to be someday. God bless you and all those suffering from this. And thank you again from the bottom of my heart. You have no idea what your post meant to me.

Warmest hugs,
Amaranthe

[jaime15]

I think we have made ourselves stronger, no matter what the situation.

I'm sorta in Amaranthe's situation. I have one son and thru that difficulty pregnancy......am unable to have any more children. I feel fortunate and blessed to have lived and enjoy my time with my son.

I do feel guilty that others can not have one child. I think that yearning is stronger when we have been denied that right to have a child.

We are so fortunate to have the technology of fertility. But I have met people who went through the difficult journey and spent thousands only to have come out empty-handed.

I find myself praying to God that if it were up to me having one more or choosing to give that blessing to someone else, to experience, I'd gladly give it up.

So I don't feel selfish or guilty to get the support you need. We need to take care of each other..............warm hugs.........:angel:

[SharonA]

I am also in the situation of always wanting a daughter. Although I have a son and love him with all my heart, I was not able to have more children after him.

I still grieve for the daughter I never had. I find myself watching mothers and daughters with jealousy and envy. I have friends who are mothers of daughters and who have very close relationships...the kind I would have liked to have had with a daughter of my own and I die a little every time I am around them. I always thought I would be able to have a small part of that dream with a grand daughter, but my son has not yet found the right lady to make his wife and the mother of his children. Of course there is still hope for that part of the dream to come true.

Like Kara put it..."loss is loss"...no matter the reason. My heart breaks for Kara, Holly, Amaranthe and for anyone who wants a child so badly, but, for what ever reason, cannot have the first one or the second one, etc.

[Kara29]

Sharon,

On the Lighter Side.....
I would be honored to have you as my mother Sharon. You can adopt me anytime, even though I am 32.

Love,

Kara

[SharonA]

Thank you Kara. My son is turning 39 this May (Egads!!!!), so you are not too old to be a daughter. (((Hugs)))