PDA

View Full Version : Hello everyone. Spouse of Vulvodynia sufferer



VSpouse
01-23-2009, 03:57 AM
Hello everyone.

I am the husband of a woman who has been suffering from Vulvodynia for a few years.

Just wanted to say hello before starting to post.

ICNDonna
01-23-2009, 04:14 AM
Hello right back --- and :welcome:

Donna

SharonA
01-23-2009, 05:03 AM
Another hello from me...:welcome: to the ICN. :):):)

dverba
01-23-2009, 06:26 AM
what ever your wife did to get you to log on, will you pass that on to my husband?:bow: I would like to hear the husbands side. Please keep posting! My marriage has suffered from this problem and we are coming up on 20 years this summer.

DeAnna

VSpouse
01-23-2009, 06:38 AM
what ever your wife did to get you to log on, will you pass that on to my husband?:bow: I would like to hear the husbands side. Please keep posting! My marriage has suffered from this problem and we are coming up on 20 years this summer.

DeAnna

Thanks everyone.

While I haven't been as involved with online research as my wife, I have taken an interest and done some research and help. But I admit my main reason right now is that my marriage is dissolving, in great part due to the Vulvodynia.

You see, my wife got it 2 months after we started having sexual relations (in 2006), and now she has come to blame me for giving it to her, ruining her life, and keeping her from having children. Even though a few other things occurred at that time that could have caused it.

So I was hoping to get some feedback on what everyone thought of the situation. I can provide details if anyone wants to listen.

This is breaking my heart. I love her so much. We've only been married 18 months and she wants a divorce. We got married in 2007.

leelee88
01-23-2009, 07:10 AM
Hello and :welcome:

I am sorry to here your wife is blaming you..

By NO means is Vulvodynia your fault! Woman can get this even without ever having intercourse!!!! I do hope she does more research on this..
I do understand how natural it is to want to blame someone. But the bottom line is there is NO one to blame here. It just happens.. There are MANY things she can do to get it under control. I hope you can get her to read this forum and see the things that have helped many of us Vulvodynia sufferers. Try to be patient with her ok... This condition is VERY stressful and will play tricks with your mind.. But also know you did not cause this..

systitis
01-23-2009, 07:47 AM
Your wife's condition is not your fault but it is understandable that in her pain & frustration she is looking to blame someone. However, as leelee says: *** happens.

Here is a detailed article about vv and the many therapies available that might be helpful:

Also, your wife tried physical therapy? A therapist trained in pelvic floor dysfunction should examine her & will let her know whether PT can help.

You will find much more information in Heal Pelvic Pain, a very good book available from the shop here written by a PT with expertise in pelvic floor therapy & the conditions (including vv) that can be helped.

I wish you and your wife the very best success in your marriage & in finding relief from her pain.

VSpouse
01-23-2009, 06:27 PM
Thank you everyone.

My wife has been very active in getting treatment and researching. Problem has been often the treatments have side effects so she stops them prematurely.

She is also actively researching on the internet, is in the NVA, and may even have a profile here on this forum.

She is doing PT. She is definitely better than when this started, but not cured and has had relapses (though never as bad as the initial pain).

Its kind of beyond the point of being patient, as she has moved out and back with her parents.

Let me preface that she has Generalized Vulvodynia. Sitting irritates her, which she has to do a lot of between work etc. We are able to have sex. It doesn’t hurt her too much during the sex, but rather afterwards. The mantra became “see you in two weeks”, meaning it would take two weeks for the pain to get back to the baseline. Sometimes we have avoided sex for a few months, at doctors orders, but its been rough. Its hard for her not to have sex because the act itself is doesn’t hurt much

Also, another symptom is a burning AFTER she urinates. Not during, but for a few minutes after.

Anyway,

She specifically points out these two reasons for me giving this to her:

”-an injury to, or irritation of, the nerves that innervate the vulva” (remember the aggressive romp in AC ?) That was the first trigger "neurologically". The sex was too rough.

Whether the sex was rough or aggressive is in contention. Yes, it was long. Over the course of 3 or 4 hours or so. But even then, it takes two to tango so to speak.

She specifically says that the constant contact of my pelvic region against hers (or "pounding" as she says) was the cause.

”-an abnormal response of different cells in the vulva to environmental factors (such as infection or trauma)”---(You have given me a Bladder Infection ,a Urinary Tract Infection and Bacterial Vaginosis 4 times) .These are major infections.

The first half of her statement, about the abnormal response, is correct. But not for the reasons she says.

We had been having sex once a week for about 6 weeks or so. Then we had our trip to AC (the "romp") the first Saturday in July 2006. She was stricken in the middle of the night the following Thursday, 5 days later. In between, she douched. In fact, it was the SECOND time she had douched (with two different types of store bought douche) in 3 weeks. So if anything, that could have caused the trauma.

And coincidentally, her menses changed that same month. When she got her next period, her flow was lighter and clumpier (sorry for being graphic). And it has been the same ever since. They do list hormonal changes as a cause for Vulvodynia. So her period changing would definitely indicate some sort of hormonal change beyond anything we did.

Regarding the UTI, BV etc.

About 6 weeks after the initial pain, in late August , we started having some sex. In October or so, she did get a UTI/ Bladder infection. Whether I gave it to her is also in contention (based on what I have read), and even if I did, this is well past the initial pain in July. Its when she got the UTI that we discovered IC network. And it was also at this time that I did some research with her, found that Aloe Vera pills helped, and had an order over-nighted to her to start the IC regime.. And it did help

Regarding the BV….that didn’t start being diagnosed until this past summer. Two years after she had the initial pain.

Up until this past June, we never exchanged bodily fluid (ie: my semen). Through the date of the romp in AC, I used a condom. After that, she thought maybe the latex had been the cause and had me stop using a condom. Our method of Birth Control became withdrawal.

This past summer, after having been married in 2007, we did start to let things roll when we had the occasional sex. I even bet her in November that she was ovulating and I could get her pregnant. It didn't happen. But the point being, the 3 or 4 infections of BV started in June 2008. So I do see that, since my semen was making contact with her, that maybe I kept giving it back to her. How I got it, who knows. Maybe the initial pain was undiagnosed BV (they do say douching causes BV). Perhaps she got it, gave it to me, and now I keep giving it back to her?

Once the pattern became clear to me in late November, I did some research. There is very little information on what the man can or should do regarding BV. And of course, the doctors that were diagnosing her didn’t tell her to have me do anything. But I did find a sole post from a guy who said he ended up taking Flagyl (which is used to treat the woman) and it got rid of it. Of course, there is no way to be tested for BV in a guy. But I did get my primary care physician to give me Flagyl. I took it for a week. How we intended to prove it cured me was for me to finish my Flagyl, for her to be tested negative again, and then have sex and see if she got BV again. But that hasn’t happened, because she has since moved out.

This is not the only reason she has decided to get a divorce. There is another reason that I won't go into here. But her anger at me for giving her the Vulvodynia is half for sure, and stokes the overall anger at me.

Anyway, that’s the deal basically with the VV. There’s a little more but I’ll leave it out for now.

Thanks for listening, and sorry if I got too detailed.

ICNDonna
01-24-2009, 02:21 AM
It sounds like your wife's medical problems may not be the only issues here. Have you talked with a family counselor? If not, I think that would be a good step for you to take, even if you have to go alone.

Donna

VSpouse
01-24-2009, 02:39 AM
It sounds like your wife's medical problems may not be the only issues here. Have you talked with a family counselor? If not, I think that would be a good step for you to take, even if you have to go alone.

Donna

Donna,

Yes, you are right. As I said there is one other issue. But the V has been at the core. For the past six months she has been getting angrier and angrier at me for "giving it to her". She had never blamed me previously.

I did suggest therapy. She initially agreed but then changed her mind, saying "I don't need it, you do". I have gone. But thats a separate issue. I just want to stay focused on the causes of the Vulvodynia and what has happend since. So we both have a clearer idea what the cause was.

Thank you, Donna.

VSpouse
01-29-2009, 06:22 AM
Hi everyone.

I'm sorry if I got too detailed or graphic.

But can someone please comment on what I wrote on January 24th? Comment as to the reasons my wife thinks I gave her Vuvodynia, and my theories as to why she got it?

Its really important.

Thank you.

leelee88
01-29-2009, 07:06 AM
I truly feel your concern.

But we cannot tell you why she THINKS you gave this to her.. All I can say is I do not believe anyone can be given Vulvodynia.. Meaning if you have no infections and a clean bill of health Vulvodynia in itself is NOT a transmitted disease..

No I will say that I do think Vulvodynia can be caused by severe infections Like yeast or BV so IF you had one of these and passed this to her THIS COULD be why she is blaming you..BV an Yeast can damage nerves and this is what causes Vulvodynia..There are other things that can cause this also like trauma to your Vulva area..

I am truly truly sorry..I hate the fact that you have separated do to this issue..

My V came after an infection! At the time I was not even sexually active so I KNOW that was NOT the cause...It was followed by a severe yeast infection..So maybe the infection was a culprit who knows..I do wish you both the best though..

VSpouse
01-29-2009, 07:29 AM
I truly feel your concern.

But we cannot tell you why she THINKS you gave this to her.. All I can say is I do not believe anyone can be given Vulvodynia.. Meaning if you have no infections and a clean bill of health Vulvodynia in itself is NOT a transmitted disease..

No I will say that I do think Vulvodynia can be caused by severe infections Like yeast or BV so IF you had one of these and passed this to her THIS COULD be why she is blaming you..BV an Yeast can damage nerves and this is what causes Vulvodynia..There are other things that can cause this also like trauma to your Vulva area..

I am truly truly sorry..I hate the fact that you have separated do to this issue..

My V came after an infection! At the time I was not even sexually active so I KNOW that was NOT the cause...It was followed by a severe yeast infection..So maybe the infection was a culprit who knows..I do wish you both the best though..

Hi LeeLee.

If you read through my post on the 24th, you'll see why she thinks I gave it to her. Rough sex in AC, and trauma where she references BV, UTI, Bladder infection (all of which happend months after she got the VV). So if you can comment on her reasoning that would be cool.

And below that I mention other things that happened in the same week and month this occurred. The douching and the change in her period. If you can comment on my observations, that would be great also.

She did not test positive for anything at the time she got this. No BV, etc. Thats why the initial doctor blamed the douching.

Remember, I used a condom all the time up til that night So even if I did have something, its unlikely I passed it on.

leelee88
01-29-2009, 08:23 AM
Well Only comment I can give you then is it sounds like she is using that as an excuse!! I am sorry..



This is from the (NVA) National Vulvodynia Association

About Vulvodynia
What Causes Vulvodynia?

The causes of Vulvodynia are still unknown, largely due to lack of research on the disorder in past years. Current research studies are investigating possible causes of Vulvodynia and delineating risk factors for developing Vulvodynia. The medical community speculates that potential causes of the condition may be:

an injury to, or irritation of, the nerves that innervate the vulva

an abnormal response of different cells in the vulva to environmental factors (such as infection or trauma)

genetic factors associated with susceptibility to chronic vestibular inflammation

a localized hypersensitivity to candida (yeast)

spasms of the muscles that support the pelvic organs

There is no evidence that Vulvodynia is caused by an active infection and it is not a sexually transmitted disease.

VSpouse
01-29-2009, 08:41 AM
Well Only comment I can give you then is it sounds like she is using that as an excuse!! I am sorry..

OK thanks :)

ICNDonna
01-29-2009, 09:11 AM
There is no way any of us can totally understand why your wife had decided to move back with her parents. It's a question she would have to answer. You did mention that there are issues other than her illness --- and we can't respond to those issues at all. I wish we could help.

Donna

VSpouse
01-29-2009, 09:22 AM
There is no way any of us can totally understand why your wife had decided to move back with her parents. It's a question she would have to answer. You did mention that there are issues other than her illness --- and we can't respond to those issues at all. I wish we could help.

Donna

Thanks Donna, but thats not my question. I haven't asked why she has moved back at all. Its obvious thats not something you can comment on.

I've just asked the forum to comment on the reason why she thinks I gave her Vulvodynia. So you could help by commenting on her reasons (which is mainly just one- the rough sex in AC)

Thanks

leelee88
01-29-2009, 09:28 AM
Ok I might be misunderstanding you..

Was she diagnosed with VV Before you had this rough sex incident?? Or after.. If it was before like I said before then sounds like an excuse BUT if she was Diagnosed after the incident, the YES rough sex could cause trauma which could cause Vulvodynia!

VSpouse
01-29-2009, 09:49 AM
Ok I might be misunderstanding you..

Was she diagnosed with VV Before you had this rough sex incident?? Or after.. If it was before like I said before then sounds like an excuse BUT if she was Diagnosed after the incident, the YES rough sex could cause trauma which could cause Vulvodynia!

Leelee

Yes, it occurred 5 days after we last had sex. She calls it rough sex in AC. I'm not sure I would. The NVA website mentions sexual abuse, and that it certainly was not.

We just went at it for a 3 hours or so, she once said she felt may have been caused by the constant meeting of our pelvis' . Yet we were using many different positions so it wasn't constantly one way.

Again, she got the VV 5 days later. If the rough sex had caused it, wouldn't the pain have been sooner?

Also, it takes two to tango. I was following her. She was actually guiding me, as she had experienced a much more active sex life than me previosuly.

in which case, it would be both our fault. Not just mine, right?

Also to be considered.

During the subsequent 5 days, she douched. And this douching was the second time in 3 weeks, with two different types of manufactured douche. That had to cause some major shift in her vaginal chemistry.

Her next period also changed, it got shorter and clumpier. Suggesting a hormonal change.

Also, something else that could constitute rough sex, something I left out earlier but really need to mention since it could also have an affect, is that she would masterbate as much as twice a day, using a shower massager . I'm sure she must have done so at least a few times that week.

:-(

leelee88
01-29-2009, 10:01 AM
Vibrators or rough sex or constant stimulation to that area CAN cause Vulvudynia....

Like I have stressed Vulvudynia is caused when the nerve is damaged! IF you had rough sex and it just so happened you damaged a nerve then YES In that 3 hour period of constant rough sex you could or YALL could have caused some nerve damage..

But I am NO Dr... I can only tell you what I know from MY research and what my Dr has informed me..

VSpouse
01-29-2009, 10:12 AM
Vibrators or rough sex or constant stimulation to that area CAN cause Vulvudynia....

Like I have stressed Vulvudynia is caused when the nerve is damaged! IF you had rough sex and it just so happened you damaged a nerve then YES In that 3 hour period of constant rough sex you could or YALL could have caused some nerve damage..

But I am NO Dr... I can only tell you what I know from MY research and what my Dr has informed me..

Would the nerve damage be immediate, or could it be delayed? Unsure if you would know.

It just makes little sense that our sex in AC did it when it occurred 5 days before she was afflicted. Especially with so much else in between.

leelee88
01-29-2009, 10:36 AM
Well a Dr would probably have to answer this for a medical point of view..

BUT for a personal example of nerve damage..

I had my mouth worked on, I had a root canal.. I was fine for like 3 days. I did not notice anything wrong! Then I started noticing that my jaw was somewhat numb and tingling off and on, I went back to my dentist, he said that he had probably nicked a nerve during the procedure and it was just now awakening..I still have a tingling sensation in that area of my jaw!! SO that is my personal experience with something that was nerve related and damaged..

ICNDonna
01-29-2009, 11:51 AM
We honestly don't have answers for you. You really need to be talking with a physician. Your own doctor should be able to help you with answers to your questions.

I'm very sorry your marriage has gone sour, regardless of the reasons, and I wish we could help, but we aren't qualified to respond to your concerns.

I will be closing this thread and encourage you to make an appointment with your medical professional.

Donna