new outlook

[icbeauty]

met a woman while i was doing fingernails at the nursing home christmas eve. her name is christine. i've gone back to see her a few times now since then. her 100th birthday is today. :)

we were talking last night, and she mentioned she had always wanted children but never could get pregnant. i told her i was in the same boat. and you know what? she said something that really made me stop and listen. she said that for some folks, life is short. for others, life is long (like hers). but no matter what, it's the only one we're given. and if we're longing for something the whole time even when we can't have it, well, we need to make some changes. and it touched me. for so many years, i'd grieved being infertile. then i grieved the break-up of a 14-yr-marriage. and then i grieved a failed adoption. i've grieved for at least the past 12 years of my life. and it's done nothing but make me sad. i can't imagine remaining sad until i live to be 100 (if i do).

so i'm making changes. i realize there are so many opportunities for me now. even though i still wish i could have been a mother, i realize that continuing to want that when i know it's not going to happen will get me nowhere. i still get sad, and i'll probably still have my sad moments. but i realize that no matter what, i need to find the good in this life.

and that's what i plan to do. bear with me while i do this. i fear there will be sad moments, but i hope and pray the happy ones outnumber them.

and if i live to be a thousand (christine always says that instead of "if i live to be a hundred" like the rest of us youngsters, lol), i'll never fully understand God's plan. but at least i will look back and see more happiness than grief.

i need your help though. it's not something i can do on my own.

btw, i asked christine what her secret to a long life is. her answer was coca cola. she says she drinks one every night before she goes to bed, and that it stimulates her heart to keep beating. who knows? maybe she's right? i can't risk the potty trips that would create, but maybe when i'm older.

she's an awesome lady. i would love to be like her someday.

[amaranthe]

What a great lady! I think she is right on the money about this too. We all carry around our battle scars from life. We all have our regrets about things, whether it is not going to college, the one that got away, not being able to have children, etc. But, she is right, when we spend our time looking back with regret, we cease to live right now and enjoy the things in the present.

Christine sounds like a wonderful and facsinating person. I am so glad you are still going to the nursing home and bringing so much joy to those in need. You are a pretty wonderful person too! :)

love and hugs,
Amaranthe

[SharonA]

What a wonderful post!!!! Christine is a very wise woman. Thank you for sharing this special person with us. :)

[Judith56]

Thank you for sharing this. I think that she got to be 100 partly because she is wise and recognized one of the secrets to a good life. Live for what you do have, not regret what you dont.

[Julie B]

What a beautiful story! You are fortunate to have such an amazing friend.

[Kara29]

That is awesome inspiration there!!!!

I've been doing a ton of reading on being childless but I haven't gotten to the part of how to move on from the loss and grief and continuation of trying to get pregnant..............

I'll get there. I just have to finish the books and hope to take something away from each one of them.

Kara

[icbeauty]

kara,
i had typed out this huge long reply, and then i just deleted it. it was so much blather.

but what i want to tell you is it takes time. it takes a very long time for some people. and you never really get over it. you just move on to acceptance and learn what else there is in life. because there is a lot more i've found.

it took me a lot of time and a lot of deep soul-searching. it was a painful process. i won't lie to you. but i feel better about my life now. i still do have sadness and feel those jealous feelings. i still sometimes feel like i'm invisible when i'm around other women. but i'm learning to find out what makes me who i am. once you find your identity, then you can accept it. that's what i learned at least.

take your time. acceptance doesn't come over night. this is a huge deal. it was everything i thought being a woman was about. but i've since learned there is more to womanhood. and there are other opportunities for me now. if the adoption had worked out, i probably wouldn't be who i am today. would i be happier? i don't know. i just have to accept that it didn't work. and i have to live the life i've been given and make it happy for myself.

be gentle to yourself.

[Kara29]

ICBeauty,

I have a lot to add to this positive post but it has to wait until tomorrow. I've had a big night and I need some down time. But I didn't want to leave you Hanging.........

Warmest Hugs,

Kara