This was so hard for me but...........

[Kara29]

My Husband and I went to our annual New Years Party at a close friend of ours yesterday. They have a baby and a 2 year old that loves my Husband like mad..........It's so hard seeing us with kids, because we can't have that. It was wonderful to see them but very bitter sweet.....

Here are the photos:

http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r115/Karalynnree/th_IMG_0232-1.jpg (http://s142.photobucket.com/albums/r115/Karalynnree/?action=view&current=IMG_0232-1.jpg)

http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r115/Karalynnree/th_NY1.jpg (http://s142.photobucket.com/albums/r115/Karalynnree/?action=view&current=NY1.jpg)

http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r115/Karalynnree/th_NY4.jpg (http://s142.photobucket.com/albums/r115/Karalynnree/?action=view&current=NY4.jpg)

Kara

[Krisandra83]

Hugs sent your way. I can fully understand how you feel. Because of my endo, they are talking about doing a full hyst on me. (i'm only 25) So I have come to terms that I will probably never have the chance to have my old child.
My best friend just found out that she is preggers. She was afraid to tell me.. since in the last month and half I have been in the hosp (in-patient) twice.. due to bladder, endo, and newly found GI problems.

But I can fully understand what you are going in there.. But that is great that you guys are soo close with your friends kids.
Beautiful photo's.

Hang in there.. and many hugs!! :grouphug::flower:

[icbeauty]

it is really hard, isn't it? i'm sure seeing your husband with the kids makes it harder too because you start to think what a great dad he would make. i remember i used to get so sad because i couldn't give my ex a child (one of the reasons he divorced me later).

i will tell you that i am so impressed that you can hold babies though. it took me years to be able to hold a child. almost the whole time my ex and i were trying (tried almost 10 years), i had trouble looking at children and babies. but one day i forced myself to look at a baby, and omg, they are precious. since that day, i've been doign better most of the time. and i can even babysit for my friends sometimes.

you did great, hon. really. you'll have those good days and bad days, but some day, the good will start to outnumber the bad.

many (((((hugs)))))

[Kara29]

I had to force myself with the baby....we've been trying for 7 years.
And if these were not my friends....you would NEVER see me asking to hold them.

Kris, a hyster at that age is got to be rough to take but if it changes the quality of your life such that you never have a painful day agan........maybe it will pay off for you if they have to do it but I hope they don't have to go there unless it will dramtically change things. Also the hormones that some people have to take in place of the ovaries being gone can cause IC to flare. Are they going to take the whole thing? They can leave the ovaries in if they aren't covered in endo and adhesions. Then you can follow the normal path to menopause.

Thinking of you both today...........

Kara

[ICNDonna]

I absolutely know it's not exactly what you want, but somewhere in this world there may be a baby who needs you even more than you need him/her. I have a friend who adopted a little girl and another who adopted a boy, then a girl. Both have said many times they could not possibly love a child more.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[dyno]

I absolutely agree with Donna. There has got to be the right situation out there for you and your husband. I don't know what the answer is but somewhere there is that special child just for you.

[hdwadman]

Kara,
I understand completely. God Bless you! My wife and I lost a son in September of 2007. He was born at 25 weeks, and only lived for 4 days. We also miscarried this summer, almost a year from the day we lost Keegan. My wife has 2 sons from a previous marriage, and God knows that they are my sons through and through, but I still have trouble being around babies. My "stepsons", Seth and Cody, are so special to me. But nothing can ever replace what we lost. I will be praying for you! I hope that somehow your wish comes true, no matter how you get your baby!
DeWayne

[ABliske]

It makes me so sad to hear about the fact you can't have a child. I went through a time when I thought I might not be able to and it was so hard! I wish you the best.
Life is all about the attitude you bring to it. I was talking to my sister on New Years and we both had a really hard year. She was saying how you can't even put all your hope in that things will get better. She was saying, even if something horrible happens tomorrow, she'd still be grateful for what she has! I wish I had her attitude about things.
I hope you can find some peace in your life and what you have now!!

[Mel53H]

I bet it was so hard to hold them! I probably would not want to have anything to do with any type of child if I was you. It would be too painful. You were both very brave. Maybe some day.......

[Krisandra83]

Hi Holly,

I saw that your IC was caused due to lupron. I am getting ready to start my 3 round of treatment on lupron. I had it once when I was 18, then again at 20, and now at the age of 25. He is going to keep me on it for a year straight. Because my endo is in it's final stages. He is worried that if he did give me a full hyst that I would still have the pain from IC.. on top of my body not being healthy enough.

But i wanted to see how they figured out that lurpon was the cause of your IC? Did it cause you to have more IC flare up's... etc?

Thanks!

[Krisandra83]

Hi Kara,

He was going to leave as much as he could. But the endo is pretty much all over.. including on my colon. My appendix had to be removed almost 4 years ago.. due to endo growing all over it.

I really have ignored the idea for about a year.. but the pain has become unreal... I recently just got out of the hosp.. because the endo was found growing all over my colon, and I had a back up of stool. In the mean time... All of these meds they were given me... etc.. caused me to have yet another flare up.. it started to end.. but the last few days, has seemed to come back.. it all just sucks.. I am on medical leave for the second time in less then 3 months... booo

Thank you for the thoughts, you are still in my thoughts as well.

Hugs!
Krisandra

[icbeauty]

kara,
i think around 7 or 8 years of trying was when it was the hardest. after that, i got kind of jaded. but it still sometimes stings. even now that i'm single again and there's no possibility ever of a child, it still sometimes stings. weird, huh? you'd think it would be better now? guess it's something we'll always have to deal with. i reread some old letters today, and i found one from a friend that was sent years ago. she was so sweet and told me to keep my eyes open to the beauty around me. that letter is what inspired me to actually look at a child. sometimes it's still hard to hold them (that's why i'm so impressed that you could do that even though it was hard), but i'll do it if i know the mom really well. mainly because they know better than to make comments like "you're a natural" and stuff like that. even though it's meant to be nice, it hurts like heck. hang in there. i hope someday you'll have your heart's desire, but if not, i hope you are able to see other joys in this life.

donna,
yes, adoption is wonderful. unfortunately, my ex was never open to it. he wanted his own biological child. when he told me he wanted a divorce, one of the things he said was, "i still want a child, and you can't give that to me." sometimes i'm thankful i never had kids with him, but it also hurts that i never had kids. ya know? i did come really close to adopting this past summer, and it was astounding how fast my heart fell in love with that boy. but his mother changed her mind and decided she wanted her son raised by a couple instead of a single mother. it makes sense, but it still hurt beyond belief. adoption is wonderful though. i wish so many times i could have adopted. and even though that little boy is now someone else's son, i still pray for him everyday and pray that he is safe and loved and knows that he's valued.

krisanda,
i never had any IC symptoms before doing depot lupron. i hadn't even had a UTI before that. but about 6 weeks after starting lupron, i couldn't pee anymore. and it hurt so much. i had "sludge" (my dr's term after my first cystoscopy) in my ureter, and that caused a ton of pain too. but they thought at first that the pain i was having, and the symptoms, were because i had endo on my bladder. that was one of the places they removed it from in the first surgery i had (had 3 surgeries for endo). first they treated me for a UTI, then they cultured it and couldn't find anything. then they decided it was endo that had invaded my bladder, so they did another surgery with a cystoscopy. that's when IC was diagnosed. the dr's theory is that perhaps i had an infection after my first surgery, and when i went on lupron a month or so later, the lowered estrogen levels lowered my mucous levels which may have caused more irritation. it's a long convoluted mess if you ask me. the instills did work for me. i went from peeing 25 times a day to about 15 times a day. i'm doing the diet now, and it's helped more than anything else. couldn't do most of the IC drugs because i was trying to have a child, and they really weren't compatible with that. i did have really horrible flares when i took fertility drugs, so that added to the issue of infertility. i've been on continuous birth control since my ex and i split up 2 years ago, and the endo pain has been so much better. i still get it, but it's maybe every now and then, and it doesn't send me to bed like it used to. and the birth control i'm on doesn't really bother my bladder either. if you haven't tried a birth control pill yet, it might be something to consider. i have periods only 4 times a year, and they are so easy compared to what they used to be. i was lucky to have a gynecologist who was married to a urologist, so they teamed together and treated both problems, and i'm doing really well. i also think now that i'm no longer in a frightening and stressful marriage, and that emotionally, i'm in a great place, that has something to do with my pain being less.

sorry to ramble on and on, but i just wanted to get that out. hope i didn't hijack this post.

[waterflow]

I know somewhat of how you feel. I have never been married so never had the problem with trying to get pregant with or for someone but I still have that "I've lost out" on life. You know? I took care of two of my neices from just about the time they came home from the hospital. At first just to help out but then my sisters went to work (their husband's worked too) and then I took care of them while the worked. Got very very very attached to them and thought of them as my own. Then my sisters got mad and took them away. The second time it happened was 10 years from the first one and I can tell you the second time was just as hard as the first time. So, in a way I have lost 2 children which no one in my famiily or friends (that I had back then) understood. I almost didn't make it through the second time but I held on for the animals I had otherwise I wouldn't be here today. There was a time when I would have adopted but not after that. There is always that chance the birth parents would want the baby back so if the baby isn't mine then I won't do it. Sounds harsh I know and like I'm the "devil lady" but my heart can't go through losing one more. I had an awful time for a long time going places. It seemed like there were babies and toddler girls (always wanted a girl) all over the place. Dressed in pink dresses and the mother's holding them and so happy and I would just about start to cry. I too have a hard time with hearing about mommies to be. It's part happy and part sad but then I think at times maybe for my life I was to just take care of animals and not children. I don't know but I still don't understand how I feel this way or why it turned out this way. None of my sisters even wanted kids and they eneded up with them. Guess I have turned into a bitter person from it all.

[Krisandra83]

Hi Holly,

Thanks for the info. I think I am going to try lupron one more time.. today that awful thing we get once a month came. I was getting my hair cut, and almost passed out in the chair! In the mean time, I am in the middle of an IC flare up... I've been in and out of the hosp since Thanksgiving, I had a back up of stool.. etc.. and they were giving me all of these odd and end meds to help my bladder, which caused a major flare up.
I am sorry to hear about your husband. It is his loss in the long run!
I am sorry to hear about the young lady who changed her mind. I was raised by a single mother, and i had just as good as life... as a child who came from a home with two parents.

many hugs sent your way!!

[Kara29]

I am planning on helping to raise my Sister's Children (when she has them)

LUPRON absolutely was part of my downfall. It did so much damage, I had to have my urethra removed and a pouch made internally.

I am allergic to many drugs but the Lupron was the worst as far as my IC like symptoms.

But I'm done with all of that and have moved on, thank GOD!

I hope it all works out for you in much better way.

Kara

(Thanks to the rest of you who have replied to this message. Your constant love and support is what keeps me going.)

[Krisandra83]

Hi Kara & Holly,

OK, I understand what you both mean about Lupron. I think I might have a UTI... Like you, I can hardly pee... and when I do.. it is like razors! :cussing:

The last time i was on lurpon, I did not have too many issues with lupron.. I keep telling myself.. call the dr.. but I don't want him to think I am always bugging him. lol sadly, I am on the 3 month lurpon.. so I still have pretty much 3 long months of this... gerrr....

Kara, I am sooo sorry to hear that you
allergic to so many things... many hugs go out to you... with the problems you went through with lupron.

Holly, I feel for you.. how lupron caused you to have IC.. =(

Hope you both have a wonderful weekend. Thanks for the advice on the lurpon.. I know that I am for sure not taking it next time. :bonk:

[Bessie]

Hi Kara,
You and your husband are such wonderful souls :angel:
I know how hard it was for you all but the smiles on your faces were so sweet. Those children are so beautiful....the little girl is so precious in her little angel outfit. I know your friends have to really appreciate the love you show for their children. What a great gift that you all have each other to lean on and support.
I love what you said about being there for your sister's children. What a great blessing that will be for everyone in your family.
Hang in there and as always Kara, you are a true inspiration :angel:

****I also want to add that you show such love and unselfishness. I know how difficult that was for you but you placed your friends and their children above your own pain. We could all learn alot from your character. You are living the example of the Bible verse I have posted in my signature line.....Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you fulfill the law of Christ.

[Kara29]

Bessie,

That was so sweet of you to say!!! I feel loved! I am in pain as we speak b/c I've been on this computer for too long. Going to watch Extreme Makeover Home Edition (Ty is so CUTE)

Kara:smile tee:angel: