Beginning to accept living Childfree in a Society that is centered around children.

[Kara29]

What could be possible positive about being childfree?

I believe in TIME we can learn to be VERY SUCCESSFUL NONPARENTS!

IN TIME............

We don't believe have to have children to be a family. For us, It's my Husband and I and our bunny rabbit and two Maine Coon Cats......and our plants. That's our definition of family in the Reese Household.

We can pick up and go away any time we want, if we can afford it.

We can turn that room used for a child into a room of relaxation and rest. Or we could set that room aside for a niece or nephew, grandparent, cousin, or Foreign exchage change Student, and maybe even a God Parent and the list could go on...........

Believe it or not...........there are some POSITIVES to not having children!!! YES, POSITIVE!!!! How you may ask?

You will have added time, money, and creativity to do things spontaneously, like traveling or taking art and or music classes, or going back to college, the list can grow.....

We can go out the door in the morning without feeling torn in two or stay out late without feeling guilty....

It costs approximately $140,000 to raise and eduate one child. I'd like to buy a boat and or a nice house and many other things, or pay for one of us to go back to school.
For many of us, this money can mean the difference between struggling to paying the bills, losing sleep at night, to living more comfortably.

We can have more flexibility with our careers and where we live and not have to worry about moving our kids.

We could take advantage of the freedom to make less money and take jobs of less stress.

You can invest in more time for each other..............

There is more but I'd like to add it later on after I watch some TV..........See I already have more time to do what I want to do without worrying about a thing!

While I go and get some rest for my painful (Paincenter) my new word.....maybe some of you can chime in with some of these posts and ideas........

Kara

[Briza]

Advantages:
A quiet home
ENDless quiet time to take naps, long baths, shop, sleep-in and read or watch whatever whenever you want, and oh yeah, most importantly uniteruppted nookie;)
Eat whatever you want....like healthy cereals w/ nonfat milk instead of whole milk and Coco Puffs lol
Travel where ever you want
MUCH less laundry
Enjoy friends' or relatives' kids without having to take them home with you:smile tee

MANY of my friends who have children call me to see if they can spend a few hours of quiet time at my house! And it is often enjoyable to watch their kids for a few hours, especially if I konw they aren't spending the night ;)

[Smokey]

its a very good thread Kara. i have decided not to have kids, i have alot of health issues and i have decided in the long haul that a child will not fit into my life style either. i might sound a bit selfish but this is the way i feel and i believe there is nothing wrong with deciding you do no want any children.

there are pleny of things to do with your life when you dont have the responsibility of children, remember children are for life you can not give them back.

you can take holidays, spend more money on your self, sleep in, you dont have to worry about cooking if you dont want to, dine out every now and then. book yourself into a day spa. my list will go on and on. even have a early retirement if you can afford to.

[Briza]

I truly don't think this decision is selfish esp. when you consider some of the serious and disabling health issues that some of have. Also not selfish if you have a spouse or significant other who understands your issues and is on the same page as you are regarding not having children. If health issues are the main reason that a woman would think about not having children, then adoption of course is always an option....but I am getting off topic here...whether children are a possiblity or not, I think we should still count the blessings we have that come from being an independent woman with no children to tie us to anything. Well MY list of advantages could go on for PAGES so hopefully someone else will chime in before I get on an unstoppable roll :lmao:
Take care,Bri:)

[Smokey]

thanks Briza, you have made me feel much better. some family and friends just dont understand, that is why i am so grateful for this site because we can all relate to something. again thanks for your encouraging words.

[amaranthe]

Though I have kids, I just wanted to chime in to support those of you who dont. Also, I wanted to point out, that even though many of us DO have kids, they wont be living at home forever, (God willing! :)) Anyway, once they leave, we will be spending our remaining days with just the two of us also. I am dreading that time, but I also know that it might be a great thing for our marriage. After all, when you have kids, they have to be the center of your world. It just happens, ya know? But, after they grow up, my husband will be my world again and I will be his again. I think that's something really nice to look forward to that you guys have now.

Also, every single couple I know who is childless (whether by choice or not), they ALL have MUCH stronger marriages than their parental counterparts. I am very envious of the closeness I see in these couples. So, yes, there are definate advantages to your situation. (of course, I wouldnt trade my kids for the world), but just wanted to point out that very special bond these couples seem to have. It is quite heartwarming!

[shell]

This is an interesting post. It's good to see different perspectives and positives. Most of my friends and co-workers have kids of some age range or another, so I regularly hear about their kids' exploits.

I helped raised my stepson, who is now 21, but he does not consider me one of his "real" parents. For a variety of reasons I never had children of my own. As I'm approaching the big 4-0 (yikes - only about a month away!), I sometimes feel some regret that I don't have kids of my own.

[Kara Isabel]

Kara,

I think there are positives, I think you do have more time for each other, and definitely more money and peace! Every other weekend, I have SEVEN kids here (4 teenagers) and if you spent a weekend amongst that chaos, and the flare that usually hits on Monday after all that, lol...it is a lot of work, and not just happy times, all relationships have things to work out and kids test their boundries.

I've raised my kids to be pretty independent, and that helps out since I've been sick, but my stepkids can't find a pair of sock without my help, lol,

I am looking forward to being an empty nester..I may knock the walls down in all their bedrooms and make ONE BIG SEWING ROOM/studio! LOL

I think you can make a difference in a childs' life without being a parent though, like the big sisters/big brothers or even volunteering for girl scouts, etc. I had a rough childhood and some non-relatives ended up having a bigger impact on me than anyone, so you can still touch a child's heart in a simple act(s) of kindness.

[Kara Isabel]

ohh..I just saw this was a new forum for those w/o children. whoopsie:bonk:

[leelee88]

Though I have kids, I just wanted to chime in to support those of you who dont. Also, I wanted to point out, that even though many of us DO have kids, they wont be living at home forever, (God willing! :)) Anyway, once they leave, we will be spending our remaining days with just the two of us also. I am dreading that time, but I also know that it might be a great thing for our marriage. After all, when you have kids, they have to be the center of your world. It just happens, ya know? But, after they grow up, my husband will be my world again and I will be his again. I think that's something really nice to look forward to that you guys have now.

Also, every single couple I know who is childless (whether by choice or not), they ALL have MUCH stronger marriages than their parental counterparts. I am very envious of the closeness I see in these couples. So, yes, there are definate advantages to your situation. (of course, I wouldnt trade my kids for the world), but just wanted to point out that very special bond these couples seem to have. It is quite heartwarming!

I Totally Agree with what you said!

My sister could not have kids so they finally accepted this fact. And she later had to have a hysto. They are a very loving, bonded couple..

[mary124]

We have 2 wonderful kids- wanted more but my cardio was against this - started having serious problems with my heart after my 2nd child was born). they are grown up now, they do live at home but either they go to school or work. My youngest is my godsend- when I had my heart surgery and was out of commission he took over EVERYTHING!! (he was only 13 at the time- and he still helps me around the house on his days off-- I keep telling people that he would make a good house husband - my son doesn't like that term so I just tell him all the time how much I really appreciate him) my eldest who was 18 didn't do anything.- still don't- but thats another story).
I have found out that even though they are home, my husband and I have more time to ourself, we are not running around going to school activities, sports doing, etc... If I have to work late (rarity(?) I don't have to worry about them. We eat healthier-- most important of all if I don't want to cook dinner then I don't as everyone in the household is old enough to cook something. We even have a "date" night every few weeks where we go out to a nice dinner and if I'm not too tired after working we might go to a movie or someplace else.
This is a great post....

[Kara29]

I still go home and have my own room just like when I was a little girl. I am 32and still crawl into bed with my partents to watch TV and Movies. My family doesn't do the empty nest thing and I am so glad for that! I can go home whenever I want to, I still even have my key. My Sister has the same deal. She's 23. The door is always open. I love the feeling that my parents still have me even though I am a grown woman.

I actually think I spend more quality time with my parents now then I did when I lived there full time!!!!!!

Just thinking about the empty nest thing. We are very fortunate to have our partents to still go home to. In our childhood home.

Kara

[LolaDoggie]

I'm in the same club as a lot of women. I thought my life would follow a certain pattern and it included children. It's not that I wanted babies so much as I wanted a family. I hoped to have a nice relationship and some nice family times together. Anyway, my health had other plans for me. I was infertile with a lot of health problems; ibs, ic, endometriosis, uterine fibroid tumours. We did try for about 8 years, but in the back of my mind, I did ask myself how I would manage. When we finally quit trying and we decided against adopting I went through a grief/mourning stage where I cried a lot and drank a bit. But, when that was over...I just felt relief. Nothing but relief.

I have people in my personal life who persist in trying to talk us into adopting and I've had to finally cut them off. I had to be blunt, lookit we're not talking about it anymore. End of discussion. Do not bring it up again. I'm sure they think I must be so distressed over being childless that I can't talk about it anymore. I just shake my head, they don't get it.

Being infertile was not and is not the great tragedy of my life. I know a lot of women feel that way, but, thankfully I am not one of them. Infertility can break up a marriage. Thankfully it has not ruined my marriage.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression and health issues. I'm not perfect when it comes to my emotional health. But, sometimes you have to be really honest with yourself and pragmatic. The fact is, I have enough problems without going shopping for more. Sure, I could keep singing the blues about how much we wanted children. But, why? I spend my days trying to feel better, not finding ways to feel worse. I have enough problems. I have enough challenges. There are things I just no longer the energy to spare for. I'll give you some examples; grudges, past hurts, crappy relationships, people or places who waste my time or energy.

So, I let that stuff go. The next question you ask yourself is, what's next? Well the great thing is, whatever you want. It's very liberating to rebuild your life without any expectations and without the input of a committee. You and your spouse get to pick what you want to do with yourselves, your time, your money, your home etc. I haven't found it hard to embrace the childfree lifestyle although I would enjoy it a lot more if I was healthy. I'm getting there, one step at a time, I'm getting there.

[123456]

I adopted the coolest 10 year old girl out of foster care and it was totally the best thing ever! AND I didn't have to go through the terrible-two's, diapers, swimming lessions...etc. Always an option if you just want to help a child in need.

[wheeliezdryver]

I'm another that is childess not by choice (for reasons I won't go into at the moment).

I would love to adopt, but my DH and I are low- income, probably no way we could provide for a child. Plus I'm sure they would have issues with not only my possibly having IC, but also my Dh's CP (Cerebral Palsy) and being legally blind.

Anywho, I just wanted to add a little to 'the list' (of advantages of not having children)--

-- especially around this time of year, we don't have to deal 24/ 7 with kids who are hyped up on sugar.... or whining because we won't let them have any more candy.
-- we don't have to leave a store/ movie theater/ restraunt early to deal with kids that are misbehaving...
--we can actually sit through church or some other meeting and get something out of it :).

[icbeauty]

Yes, I tried treatments, fertility drugs, surgeries, adoption. Nothing happened. I ended up hurt and divorced and, guess what, still childless.

For some reason I feel like I have to explain everything to people though. I don't understand that at all. It's like if I tell people I'm not a mother, I have to explain the whole nearly 10-yr-long story (and then some) just to get them to leave me alone about it. Sheez. I still have people who tell me I shouldn't just give up and that I should use a surrogate. Omg, my eggs are bad too. Adoption is a better option, but guess what, it failed. And I'm getting older. I'm not really choosing this, but I guess in a way I am. I'm choosing to move on from the roller coaster of trying to become a parent. For some reason, people just aren't okay with that.

Anyway, I am seeing some benefits. I'm attending grad school now which is something I couldn't even do when I was married. Too much debt. When I got divorced, I was able to save more, and I ended up getting out of debt and getting a chance to save up for grad school. I also have the time to go, not just the finances. That's nice too.

I do babysit for friends, and I enjoy that. I get to hold babies and spend time with them, but I also get to go home after several hours. A little different (okay, a LOT different) from being their parent.

I'm starting to get better at living without children. I have them in my life still, but they're not my own kids. It's different. That's all. Just a very different reality for me than for parents.

Acceptance is a long time coming for some. Sometimes when I think I've accepted it and I'm fine, something does trigger some sadness in me. But I have learned to accept that and move forward. Sometimes I need to ask for support, and other times I am able to forge ahead on my own. But no matter what, I know I am different from most other women. Is it good? I don't know. I never wanted to be conventional; I just didn't realize being different would hurt sometimes.

[LolaDoggie]

I don't want to offend anybody with this post.

This is difficult to talk about, so I'll just say it.

The title of this particular thread was about coming to terms with not having children. The original poster came here, and shared with us, the fact that she is coming to terms with not having kids.

The replies have all been, hey you can adopt and having kids is great and on and on. I don't know where the original poster is right now, but, I can take a guess.

As a person who went through infertility and decided to remain childless (and yes I know all about adoption as my own husband and his brother and his father and 2 of his uncles are all adopted). I can tell you how it feels to say we're not having kids and have the response be all about all the things we can still try. It feels awful. It's insult to injury. At best it's insensitive and at worst it's disrespectful.

I know the people who have replied with their suggestions felt they were being helpful and supportive. I can tell you I've had some wonderful people say some pretty awful things to my face.

The original poster was looking for nothing more than a pat on the back and maybe a reply saying yeah, we decided to stay childless too. The original poster was looking for one safe place to let their hair down and say this is what we decided and I'm trying to come to terms with it. And what they got was vastly different.

I just want to submit this for your consideration. Feel free to hurl tomatoes and rocks at me. I can take it.

[jaime15]

I can't imagine you would offend anyone with your own opinion. Everyone does try to help others own here, even if it isn't accepted or done tackfully. I for one, know adoption or surrogacy isn't for everyone. But for those who haven't gone through this , in their life, just don't know what to say...so if they reply that way, that is their way of a pat on the back or hug.

The original poster is still on here. She is a very good person and everyone loves her dearly on here. That is one of the reasons she moderates this particular board. She is good with words and has lots of compassion!

Soooo........just let me know if anyone tries to hurl tomatoes at you......some words can still be hurtful.......even if you can 'take it'. But we will value your opinion too. Take care!:angel:

[vm]

LolaDoggie - I've thought the same thing as I've read this thread. I think your comments are spot on....

[Kara29]

I am the original poster of this thread. I welcomed your experiences and don't see anything wrong here. Thank you for sharing. I am doing the best I can without babies. I have started a few groups in my area for real people to get together and talk about current interests. For the new year, I am creating a Woman's Self- Help Group in my area. We are going to do lots of activities to finding our authentic selves by doing the Sarah Ban Breathnach Books and Journal. I am excited about the new year and meeting women who are looking for the same thing as I am. It should be interesting to say the least. I hope some good friendships can come out of it. I would not be able to do this if I had kids to look after.

I am learning to accept not having children, but I still cry when I find out an old friend is pregnant with number 2,3 or 4.......I still cry and throw pity parties when that happens but then I pick myself up, and try to think going forward that maybe my Women's Group will give me a feeling of love and acceptance just the way I am with out kids.

Happy Holidays to you all!!!! I hope you get some painless days going into the new year!

Love and Hugs,

Kara

[Tura]

Thank you all. Your posts make me feel better about my decision not to have kids. I just have to convince hubby this so he can let it go that we never had kids and that's okay. Do any of you worry about when your old and you don't have kids to help take care of you in any way? My husband really worries about this.

[kadi]

I think about that sometimes, but then I think about all the little old people who do have kids who never come see them & don't do anything for them or I think of friends who have a disabled child who may never be able to care for herself even. There's no guarantee of anything, really.

I just try to plan responsibly for retirement & figure that the money I put into a Roth IRA probably would have gone for orthodontia, or college tuition, or whatever if I'd had kids. So, I'm taking care of myself financially instead of hoping a child will someday. In terms of help, one of my senior friends relies a lot on her church community & senior services in her city, not because she doesn't have kids, but because she doesn't live near them & doesn't want to (mainly because they live in areas with scorching hot summers & she gets very sick from high temps). Even though I have family nearby, it was my church community & my coworkers who drove me to my DMSO treatments an hour away 6 years ago - I would imagine I'll have to find something similar support-wise when I get older, especially if I don't marry...

I guess there's no guarantee of anything, really, we all just get through life the best we can. I'm mostly ok with not having kids now, it was really hard when all my friends were having babies. If I avoid baby showers, it's a lot easier! It's also helped that in the last few months, I've received some beautiful letters from former students & realized that even though I'm not a mother, I've been able to play a special role as teacher in some children's lives & that matters a lot to me.

[Sunflower2]

I guess there's no guarantee of anything, really, we all just get through life the best we can. I'm mostly ok with not having kids now, it was really hard when all my friends were having babies. If I avoid baby showers, it's a lot easier! It's also helped that in the last few months, I've received some beautiful letters from former students & realized that even though I'm not a mother, I've been able to play a special role as teacher in some children's lives & that matters a lot to me.
posted by Kadi

I get panic whenever close friends of mine gets pregnant and cannot help depressed. I don't know how to accept childless life...... my hubby said that we haven't really tried enough to give that up yet. To be honest, I don't know what to think anymore... I hate myself that I cannot be happy for my friends....
Is there time limit to have kids??? I know people having kids in later ages nowdays..

[icbeauty]

I visit a lady at the nursing home who is widowed and childless. She is one of the very few residents who has visitors. Her grand-nephew comes, people from her church visit, she has lots of folks who visit. Most of the other people with children and grandchildren get a visit maybe on Christmas, and that's it for the year. So children are no guaruntee that you'll have someone to take care of you when you're old. If we have good relationships now, we will be able to continue those in the future.

The only problem I have is that as all my friends have children and move on with their lives, I find that I am just a bother to them. They don't want to visit me because they don't want to bring their kids, but they never invite me either. They'd rather invite all their mommy friends and talk about their kids. If I call and leave a message, I never get a call back from most of them. So I am trying to find other friends. Friends who either don't have kids or who have kids who are grown. I'm not sure where to find them yet though. I am seeking a new church, so I'll look at the demographics when I visit different ones.

The days that I am grateful for my life the way it is outnumber the days that I am sad. That's progress. But there are days when I feel really down because I feel so alone. Even when I was married, I felt alone. I just need to embrace the good days and try my best to make excellent memories to enjoy when I'm having bad days.

[kadi]

Even though there are many churches in my neighborhood, I drive 35-40 minutes to a church on the edge of a university in an urban community (Berkeley). While it has a very active family ministry & children are very much loved in the community, it is a very intergenerational church, with lots of singles at all ages, and a message of the gospel for everyone. In the eight years I've gone there, there has only been one time I felt seriously left out by not having children. It was at a class on finding one's mission and the pastor spent a LOT of time on the "family" mission. It didn't help that I was sitting at a table filled with mommies, but I did send the pastor an email later saying that for those of us in the room who would not have children, it would have been nice to have heard about other missions for us or to have been validated in some way. He sent back a very thoughtful apology & made a point to seek me out when we ran into each other in a cafe several months later. He just hadn't thought about how his words might be heard by someone struggling with that issue. Even though I'm mostly ok with the issue now, it's still sometimes a sore spot, and I can't imagine how a couple struggling with infertility might have felt in that class. I think it's good to speak up sometimes & let people know when they are not aware of how they may sound.

[Tura]

Thank you both. Your posts make me feel better. Its hard living in a big city in Cali when you dont have kids to meet other mothers and people arnt as friendly people in smaller towns.
I do feel alone sometimes.

[kadi]

Hi Tura,
Check out www.meetup.com for interest groups around SF. There are literally hundreds of groups meeting in the SF Bay Area:) I've gone to American Sign Language meetups & met some really good friends there! There are meetups on just about everything imaginable, from people to just go to foreign movies with, hiking or walking groups, café groups in foreign languages, music fans, religious groups, career groups. Stuff I didn't even imagine people would make a group for.... Check it out!

[Tura]

I need to find stuff i can do with my ic. Hiking difficult unless im with hubby and my porta potty thing i have. I dont like to have to explain to newbies about my having to go every 30 to 60 minutes.

[amaranthe]

I visit a lady at the nursing home who is widowed and childless. She is one of the very few residents who has visitors. Her grand-nephew comes, people from her church visit, she has lots of folks who visit. Most of the other people with children and grandchildren get a visit maybe on Christmas, and that's it for the year. So children are no guaruntee that you'll have someone to take care of you when you're old. If we have good relationships now, we will be able to continue those in the future.

The only problem I have is that as all my friends have children and move on with their lives, I find that I am just a bother to them. They don't want to visit me because they don't want to bring their kids, but they never invite me either. They'd rather invite all their mommy friends and talk about their kids. If I call and leave a message, I never get a call back from most of them. So I am trying to find other friends. Friends who either don't have kids or who have kids who are grown. I'm not sure where to find them yet though. I am seeking a new church, so I'll look at the demographics when I visit different ones.

The days that I am grateful for my life the way it is outnumber the days that I am sad. That's progress. But there are days when I feel really down because I feel so alone. Even when I was married, I felt alone. I just need to embrace the good days and try my best to make excellent memories to enjoy when I'm having bad days.

You are absolutely right that having kids is no guarentee that you will be taken care of (or even visited frequently) when you get old! Like you, I know quite a few people who have kids and probobly thought they'd be okay in this regard, yet now they are old and in nursing homes and rarely (if ever) are even visited. Sometimes the adult children live in different states, so they cant visit often. Other times, they work so much they dont have alot of time left after that since they often have kids of their own to take care of and shuttle around to their after school activities. Then, of course, there are the ones who just think that visiting once a month or even a few times a year is enough!

Not to knock boys or men, but let's face it, that they seem to be the worst about this. So, parents who only have boys are probobly less likely to get to move in with their adult child (instead of going to a nursing home), b/c while there are many female stay-at-home moms, there arent that many stay-at-home Dads, and men usually work, so that knocks them out of the running for being an elder care in-home provider (even if they WOULD do it, if they could!) Plus, we've all heard that old saying, "A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter's a daughter all of her life!" I know that saying definately rings true in my family! My 2 brothers hardly ever call or visit our Mom, or go see our 2 remaining, elderly grandparents, (one of whom is in a nursing home, while the other lives with our Mother, so she can take care of him.)

My Grandma who is in the nursing home had FIVE kids, and 4 of them are retired and 3 are in good health, yet NOT ONE of them took her in! I think that is shameful! So, she is a great example of what we were talking about!
(Even though I am very sick much of the time with IC and Lupus, I did offer to take her in, but they wouldn't let me, saying I am too sick.) But, I did try, and begged them to let me at least try, but they wouldn't hear of it. I think it was probobly b/c it made them feel too guilty having me do it when I am sick and they are not, and they could do it and wont.! JMHO!

Anyway, I also wanted to let you know that even though I have one child, (a boy), I also have the same problem with making friends, so it isnt just you! Other Moms seem overlook me b/c I am sick so often. They want healthy friends they can do stuff with all the time, or that they can trade off babysitting frequently, and I am not deemed a suitable babysitter by lots of them b/c I am sick so much. (I have actually been told this by several...They say they are afraid that even if I feel good when I agree to watch their kids that I might get sick while their kids are with me.) So, even though I am home all day due to my disablities, and even though I am am Mom, I get lonely alot too. (By the way, I had wanted to have more kids, but couldnt, so this is a tough subject for me too.) Even though I am not in the exact same position as most on this thread, since most here dont have any kids, it still hurts me to not have been able to have more kids. Although I love my son more than I can express, I would love to have had more kids, especially to have a girl. But would have loved more in general. But, it just didnt work out due to my illness and also because of secondary infertility caused by severe Endo, ultimately leading to a hysterectomy at age 32.

My closest friend I have actually made on this site. Although we've never met, we talk often and I am closer to her than any friend I have ever had! Most of all, she "gets it" about the IC, infertility, and the whole bit!

If you have a local IC support group, I urge you to join and get to know some others in person. If not, then it might even been worthwhile to start one in your area.

I also agree with Kadi that many churches can be a great support and source of friendships, (if you are so inclined.) Alternatively, you might try looking into area book clubs, or local civic clubs. That is what I plan to do. I know Kara29 (the OP), has had alot of success with starting her own clubs in her area for several of her interests, and that she has met several new friends that way. (She also joined a photography club too, I think, and seems to really like it!)

Where I live, they also have community classes for lots of things that are free or low cost from time to time. They offer things like learning to sew, knit, crochet, cooking classes for certain cuisine, photography, computers, pottery, gardening, making centerpieces, floral arrainging, making holiday decorations, interior design, painting, etc. For most of these, the only fees are for materials, (usually less than $20 for a 6-8 week class). Of course, another idea (if you are physically capable), would be to join a gym and take a regular exersize class....maybe one that focuses on gentle stretching or something that helps with flexiblity? Something like that might help you physically as well as mentally, by getting you "out there" and around the same core group of people on a regular basis to form friendships. These are just a few ideas for things I plan on trying to do to get out there, meet people, and try to beat the blues and keep from being so lonely.

Last, but not least, you can always PM me anytime you are on here, and I will be glad to talk to ya! :)

It's so hard to make new friends once we get out of school! Remember back when we went to school and everyone was our age, and we all had pretty much the same interests, so much in common, and it was so much easier to make friends? Somehow, it gets alot harder as we get older, doesnt it? (Especially if you are like me and rarely leave the house! :))At least in my case, it's kinda hard for me to make friends from the bed! (Although, with the invention of the internet, it's not impossible, since that's how I "met" the friends I made here at the ICN! :))

Sorry this was so long! Didn't mean to write a novel here! LOL! But, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, that I am pretty much in the same boat, and I know that there are alot more out there like us. But, just wanted to let you know I understand and I do care!

Sending hugs,
Amaranthe

[kadi]

It's so hard to adjust from what we used to do to what we can do now. I had to learn a bunch of new things to enjoy once I got IC, because my old hobbies & old friends didn't work with the new & unimproved me. It did turn out ok over time, but it took time, grieving, & then being willing to experiment with church shopping, seeking out new things to do, etc. I got interested in American Sign Language because it's a language I could learn without having to travel or deal with food issues with everyone wanting you to try their cuisine, etc. I probably would not have gone to ASL classes if I hadn't had IC clip my wings a bit (ok - A LOT), but it has been one of the bigger blessings in the past few years. I hope that you can find something you like as much that you can still do.

And, if you are new to IC, and you are seriously struggling with pain & frequency, this may be a time to just focus on your health, taking one day at a time, learning the diet, researching & trying new treatments. It's ok to just take one day at a time & not to worry about the future & friendships, to just deal with what you have to right now. I didn't do any of this kind of stuff the first year I had IC - it was all I could do then to keep working & try to figure out what to do for treatments.

Sending a hug & wishing you better days soon,