icnmgrjill
10-19-2008, 09:28 AM
On Friendships - New and Old
(By Jill Osborne, MA - ICN President & Founder)
I, like many of you, have lost several friendships because of my health problems. Some drifted away when I wasn’t able to do the things we used to do. Others were harshly judgmental and clearly not as good of friends as I had thought. I still remember one friend who sarcastically suggested that I visit a psychic so that I could figure out why I liked being ill. Still others were lost when I left my last job.****
Like it or not, illness has a way of weakening our social connections and, in some cases, creating tremendous isolation and loneliness. I say this because I’ve certainly had many moments where I’ve felt very lonely and isolated in my struggles and I’ve had to work hard to make sure that I don’t isolate myself too much.
Obviously, on days when we’re not feeling well, staying home is best. In my case, it’s usually with a book, my cat and a heating pad and that’s fine. But on days when I’m feeling better, I’ve* got to make an effort to get out and socialize, exercise and laugh. To me, a perfect end to an afternoon is a walk with a friend just talking about our day to day lives.*
One of the greatest gifts that IC has given me are the many kind, compassionate and caring patients that I’ve met online who I would be honored to call “my friend.” There’s just nothing quite like talking with someone who has walked in your shoes. They truly understand the challenges that we face and, in a pinch, are always willing to offer wisdom, advice, opinions on all things “IC” and the occasional cyber kick in the pants. But, cyber friends have one weakness. They can't be there for you physically.
We have to work hard to build our local friendships too because we need their hugs, their care and their kindness. . A great place to start is your local IC support group members who, like you, are trying to live normal lives despite having this confusing and frustrating condition. They've also lost friendships and are eager to make more! Go, meet and talk with them. You won't be disappointed.
If you want to make more friends, you first need to put yourself out there somehow. Friends don't come knocking on your door while you sit at home. If the people you're already around (e.g. at work or school) aren't friend material for whatever reasons, it's not the end of the world. Join a club with people who have common interests. Volunteering is a great way for people of all ages to meet others. By working together you build bonds with people, and you might meet others who have a passion for changing things the way you do—a common cause.
You can join a club, go to school, or go to church, and you still won't make friends if you don't actually talk to people. You can talk to anybody: the clerk at the video store, the person sitting next to you on the bus, or the person in front of you on the lunch line. Make eye contact, smile and look approachable. Make small talk and keep the conversation light and cheery. Of course, you should be a good listener. Make sure you ask for their opinions and ideas. If you have a common interest, consider asking them out for lunch or coffee.
I'm 48 years old and can see, over the years, that I've had moments of being a great friend and others where I was regrettably self absorbed. But I think that as we get older and as we face many of lifes predictable and unpredictable struggles, we learn that to live entirely alone is to live in sadness. We all need friends, the more and the merrier. Now, turn off the computer, open the door and go out and just say "hi" to the first person you meet.
(By Jill Osborne, MA - ICN President & Founder)
I, like many of you, have lost several friendships because of my health problems. Some drifted away when I wasn’t able to do the things we used to do. Others were harshly judgmental and clearly not as good of friends as I had thought. I still remember one friend who sarcastically suggested that I visit a psychic so that I could figure out why I liked being ill. Still others were lost when I left my last job.****
Like it or not, illness has a way of weakening our social connections and, in some cases, creating tremendous isolation and loneliness. I say this because I’ve certainly had many moments where I’ve felt very lonely and isolated in my struggles and I’ve had to work hard to make sure that I don’t isolate myself too much.
Obviously, on days when we’re not feeling well, staying home is best. In my case, it’s usually with a book, my cat and a heating pad and that’s fine. But on days when I’m feeling better, I’ve* got to make an effort to get out and socialize, exercise and laugh. To me, a perfect end to an afternoon is a walk with a friend just talking about our day to day lives.*
One of the greatest gifts that IC has given me are the many kind, compassionate and caring patients that I’ve met online who I would be honored to call “my friend.” There’s just nothing quite like talking with someone who has walked in your shoes. They truly understand the challenges that we face and, in a pinch, are always willing to offer wisdom, advice, opinions on all things “IC” and the occasional cyber kick in the pants. But, cyber friends have one weakness. They can't be there for you physically.
We have to work hard to build our local friendships too because we need their hugs, their care and their kindness. . A great place to start is your local IC support group members who, like you, are trying to live normal lives despite having this confusing and frustrating condition. They've also lost friendships and are eager to make more! Go, meet and talk with them. You won't be disappointed.
If you want to make more friends, you first need to put yourself out there somehow. Friends don't come knocking on your door while you sit at home. If the people you're already around (e.g. at work or school) aren't friend material for whatever reasons, it's not the end of the world. Join a club with people who have common interests. Volunteering is a great way for people of all ages to meet others. By working together you build bonds with people, and you might meet others who have a passion for changing things the way you do—a common cause.
You can join a club, go to school, or go to church, and you still won't make friends if you don't actually talk to people. You can talk to anybody: the clerk at the video store, the person sitting next to you on the bus, or the person in front of you on the lunch line. Make eye contact, smile and look approachable. Make small talk and keep the conversation light and cheery. Of course, you should be a good listener. Make sure you ask for their opinions and ideas. If you have a common interest, consider asking them out for lunch or coffee.
I'm 48 years old and can see, over the years, that I've had moments of being a great friend and others where I was regrettably self absorbed. But I think that as we get older and as we face many of lifes predictable and unpredictable struggles, we learn that to live entirely alone is to live in sadness. We all need friends, the more and the merrier. Now, turn off the computer, open the door and go out and just say "hi" to the first person you meet.