Why don't they understand???

[anewday]

This disease is so frustrating in so many ways. I am in a flare and in very bad pain (not to mention the broken leg and ankle). I just plain don't feel well. I got up at 5:30 a.m. and worked 7 1/2 hours. My MIL is now mad that I wouldn't go out to eat with her and my daughter and my MIL's family. She stormed out of here and slammed the door. I told her I wasn't feeling well and wanted to rest. She thinks the best cure for anything is to get out and run around. She had back surgery, didn't listen to the doctor and started doing things way too early, now her back still bothers her.

She acts as if I am a big drama queen and hypochondriac. I hate, hate, hate it. I try to tell her about IC and how painful it is and she acts like I am nuts. The bad part is that she is living with us now to take care of me until my leg heals. It is driving me crazy. I have developed tension headaches (one turned into a migraine), as well as getting acid reflux for the first time in my life, and I know it's from stress.

She tinks I should be working full time and socializing when I'm off. HELLO I"M IN PAIN!!!! And now she's off on a tangent that it's rediculous to have the hydro surgery with Botox. Yet she lectures me for taking too many meds and for taking pain medicine. What the heck am I supposed to do? What does she want from me? I know it's hard on her to be here taking care of me and the kids, but you know what, I took care of my mom after her knee replacement and I didn't tell her what she should and shouldn't be doing. I am just so over it.

I'm sorry to vent so much here lately, but it's all just getting to me and I don't know who else to vent to. My husband won't listen to it and just defends his mother which makes things ten times worse.


What can I do to make this situation better? Anything?:help:

[hdb1982]

AS her if she thinks you honsetly like living this way. Not when you are fighting but just a nice calm conversation. Tell her how much you wish you could do all the things that you can't. And then tell her it makes you feel 10x worse when she gets upset over something you can't do b/c you already feel bad about it. Ask if maybe until your leg and stuff heals, if maybe she would let you pick a few family activities. That way you can participate and not make yourself worse. If it doesn't work at least you know you tried to communicate and reason with her, and that would be a strong point with hubby,. You tried,

[TexasHoney]

:grouphug: I'm sorry to hear your mother-in-law gave you hard time. IC is a very hard disease for people to comprehend somtimes. I would think she would understand how rough a broken leg can be though. My mom thinks I take take too many meds a well. I either ignore her or I tell her that there is now way anybody with a normal bladder could understand what us ICer's go through. I hope you start feeling better soon.:pray:

Hang In There

[mimimama]

Hi Jen and all--

I can totally relate to every word you wrote about your MIL and family not understanding. I was diagnosed a year and a half ago and now that the newness of hearing about IC is long gone, my family members just don't get it and don't want to hear about my ongoing poor health.

Trying to explain the pain from therapies and everyday life (cleaning, running errands, not to mention trying to work a bit outside of the home) people are SOOOO insensitive. I've heard it everything from "Change your attitude and you'll see that you feel better" "You take too many meds"--I am weary of it too.

You are not alone. Jen, we all have experienced this on some level. Sometimes venting helps because it hurts and you need to feel validated.

Stay strong-we al care about you.:angel:

[Smokey]

i now how you feel. my MIL is funny and doesnt understand, i dont think my husbands side understands at all. i have given up with them. i would try to ignore them or get your partner to speak to her. i am so glad for this website as i know that everyone understands what i am going through. people, friends etc try to understand but deep down we know they do not know what we are going through. one day i was about to tell my MIL where to go, she was going on about babies etc i was getting really angry because i have decided not to have children. my motto is worry about yourself, and take care of yourself. you come first before anyone when you have ic, even before your partner.

[waterflow]

They don't care about you and they don't believe you. You can scream, plead, beg, cry until you're blue in the face and it won't make a difference. I finally learned that after 11 years with my family. All you can do it walk away, tell them off, ignore them or pretend you are one happy healthy person. Argueing is a waste of time. Believe me if I had money I would buy myself 100 acres of land and move there.

[anewday]

Thanks for the replies! It helps to vent. I just have to keep telling myself that her opinion means nothing to me, and that you reap what you sow!

[Kirs10]

I understand how you feel. My MIL is just like yours she is always making me feel like I am crazy about the pain. she is made that she can't any narcotics for her back pain, but my PCP gives me morphine and percocet, and muscle relaxers. I have lived my mother as well, and it was the most difficult time in my life. She over reacted to everything in my house. On mother's she told my kids that I was breaking their spirit and was a terrible mom. That was it she had to go, and husband was the one that kicked her out.
Now I see if I have too, but that is it, she doesn't think I should get SSI because she can't get it, she has MS and can't get it. She has MS for 20 years and it hasn't gotten any worse. She can't get narcotics because she is an alcoholic, that is "recovered".
It is very hard to deal with her so I just deal with her when I have too.
My MIL got so involved in my life that it made things worse between my husband and myself.
I hope you get some relief from your IC and Leg ad ankle. Just keep your head up things will get better.

[kbunker@att.net]

I can totally relate to what you say! My husband and all his family are strong stock. They all seem to have really high pain thresholds and energy levels and think I am defective.

I've had several "alternative medicine" people tell me I needed to release my emotional "issues" in the pelvic area and that I have brought these various accidents and conditions to myself for a cosmic reason. . I'm afraid I lost it with the last one and blasted her. I have tried all the "woo-woo" stuff and some of it has helped a little but none cured. I am in REAL PHYSICAL CONSTANT pain here !

I have taken to saying, " I am so happy for you that you are not in constant pain and therefore it is hard for you to understand. But, I AM !! and these are the things I need to do to handle it."

Many people here have said that friends who didn't get it have drifted away. That's okay, LET THEM ! With in-laws and family it is different. Over time of keeping your stand they will either get used to it or avoid you . If you can accept that and lower your stress level by being around them less, that is a good thing!

Prayers for us all !! ~ Kat B.

[jaime15]

Move her out??!
Is she really helping you with your leg when she is causing new problems. Migraines are a serious illness in their own category. (I have them too.)
She sounds horribly insensitive.
I hope she doesn't have to stay with you much longer. I'm not sure I'd want my child around that 24/7. You want to teach them compassion while they are young. Sounds like this lady is the opposite.
I hope you feel better too..........vents really do help.
I think the protocol to be an ICer is to have at least one non-compassionate family member in the mix. Take care!:angel:

[Claredale]

Jen, I am so sorry that you are having so many problems.

I have had IC for 20 plus years now. The first 10 years, I had mostly good days, but when a flare hit me, I was down for the count for a few days at the least. At first I truly felt my MIL cared. She never let on any different and I felt like she was my support until I heard from mutual friends her true thoughts.

When my IC progressed into severe IC around the late 90s, was when things got worse. Where I went wrong was trying to make her understand. I even took her to a couple of appts thinking that she would finally understand what I was going through. I was working full time and stayed very busy with my 2 sons with their after school activities. I do have a very high threshold for pain, so I easily became the "great pretender" a lot of the time, when underneath I was a mess. I know some of my meds made it easy for me to keep my emotions in check because the "normal" me would have been in tears.

When my sons were teenagers, they knew when I wasn't feeling well and for the most part respected that and our lives were normal. Unless I was really in pain, I managed to act "normally" as much as possible. My husband has always been there for me and my sons did their best. I never ever let them hear my frustration regarding their grandmother. She was always there for them and they truly loved her, so I had no desire to bring them into my "drama". I always had to wonderful grandmothers and I was not going to allow my feelings destroy them being with their grandmother.

Several years ago, it was my husband birthday. It took everything in me to go out to eat. My mom and step dad were there as well. My older son had taken off a day from work, so I went to see my family and try to enjoy the day. During the meal, I was in so much pain that I couldn't stay still. When I used to hurt like that, my right leg would just shake. I also could hardly eat. My mom knew I was struggling. When the dinner was over, my MIL said that she had cake and ice cream at the house. My husband told her that he was going to take me home first, then my mom said she would go ahead and take me home. From that point on until we got the check and were able to leave...believe me, I pulled every trick I could think of to last as long as I did.

My mom took me home and then was going to my MIL's. I asked her if she sensed what I felt from my MIL. Of course my mom is a sweetheart and just didn't "see" it. She knew I was upset, but she thought it was more from the pain. I told her that it was from how my MIL treated me. She couldn't stay long because I had a cat at the time and she is very allergic to cats. I had taken some of my meds and told her I was going to take a bath and lie down.

A few hours later, my older son came home. He was by himself and he just started yelling at me. He had never done that in his life. I was by myself still, so I just stayed there in bed with my heating pad. I kept trying to get him to tell me what was wrong. He was in the hall looking at me and said that I made his grandmother cry. I was sort of out of it, which I am thankful for! When I asked him why she was crying. He said that I wasn't really sick, I was just looking for attention. He said my MIL told him that I was trying to keep the family apart because I never went to her house and soon, I wouldn't allow him and his brother to go. By then, I was trying very hard to focus.

I asked him to please come and sit with me. I told him exactly what was wrong with me. He was 16 at the time, so I knew he could comprehend that my IC was getting worse and that I was doing everything I could to not be sick, but I would never keep him from being with either set of grandparents. They both loved him and his brother very much. He finally quit shaking from anger. I reminded him that I had been sick since he was little, but I was able to function most of the time, but when I get to a certain level of pain, it's best for me to take care of myself no matter what.

After a few minutes, he left and went up to church for Sunday night service. My husband came home by then. I thought he had been at his moms the entire time, but he said that he had left before my son did. I told him what our older son said. I told him either he calls his mom, or I do. I had never even once confronted her about anything that I had "heard" in the past, but now that she involved my sons, I wasn't going to be the sweet little DIL. I didn't really give him a chance to call her. I know he was in a bad spot, so I said I wouldn't be ugly, just firm.

I called her up and told her what my son said to me. I know she didn't expect for him to say anything. After all, he was grandmama's boy, but I told her that he was so upset that he was shaking. I told her that she better not ever say anything like that again. I was absolutely sick, I had been for years and managed to pretend or just deal with it for the sake of the family. When she started agreeing with me, I told her that some of her friends had already slipped and told me things that she had said about me, but I let it alone. I ended the call with if she ever made either of my sons upset like that again, I would tell them everything she had done to me. I keep a journal and their are many entries that I vented. I didn't know about this site at the time, so I vented with writing.

Things seemed to smooth out until last summer. I think she realized then during our family vacation that she did in fact mess up. My BIL and husband both witnessed her talking about me behind my back. When we got home from vacation, my husband and I went to talk to our pastor. He knows my MIL as well. Anyway, he told me that after all this time I wasn't ever going to change her. It was in my best interest to stay away from her. If I had to be around her, I needed to stay with either my husband or another family member so that she could not push my buttons.

I posted that vent last year and that emotional rollarcoaster was not healthy for me at all. Now it's been over a year since that happened. I only see her every few weeks and it's on my terms. I don't discuss my illness at all with her. It's really sad that I thought of her as more than a MIL for the first few years of my marriage. She never had any daughters, so I kind of felt like she really appreciated our relationship. I very rarely even think about it anymore. I am sure my husband is glad that it's not on my mind all the time like it used to be. I had tried so hard to get her understanding, but finally realized that I probably never would and her making me suffer was her thing. I have taken that ability from her and as sad as I thought I would be, I am not. I actually feel much better. I still call her every few weeks just to check on her. She never calls me, but that's okay. I am doing my part. She only lives about 5 minutes from me, but again we rarely see each other. If I run into any of her friends, I just smile when they say anything. I am glad that I prayed alot about this, because my first reaction to her friends that have said things to me was to tell them what she says about them.

Just remember there are some people that we are never going to change. Don't give them any ammunition to turn on you. Don't share anything about your meds (definitely don't) or if you aren't doing well. I know my MIL still probably talks about me, which is fine. I finally after 20 plus years feel a relief. My kids are grown and live over 3 hours away, so she doesn't even have them anymore. They are moving on with their lives and I am enjoying mine because I no longer and at the boiling point because she hurt my feelings.

Several ladies on this site help me realize that as well. I am still grateful for their support when I had to vent as well.

I am so sorry to hear when any of my fellow ICN friends go through so horrible family issues. My own family has always been very understanding with me. That is how I grew up was to be respectful, which is probably why I never lashed out at her early on, with the exception of her not involving my son's again.

Hugs! Tracey

[anewday]

Oh boy, I wish I could move her out. I cannot lift my son or do laundry (stairs) and I really have to rest when I am at home because I work 40 hours a week plus am going to physical therapy 3x a week. My husband works a lot of overtime, and we desperately need the money now, what with me having some time off work w/o pay before and my medical bills. My 2 1/2 year old son is not in day care, so she is watching him for me until we can afford day care.

I have tried to grow a backbone and stand up to her lately. I had another migraine Saturday, from another tension headache. I have knots in my neck, I know some of it is from using a walker, but most is stress.

My husband chewed her out royally and stood up to her in my defense last week, so that felt good!

[sugar]

I can so relate to your issues w/family. My husband and his grandmother are very close, and when we all get together, somehow the conversation drifts around to what meds I'm taking, when, how much, etc. My husband locked up my pain meds and gives me my max daily dose (6) each morning. For a while, he was playing control/mind games w/me and would leave 5 pills then 4. When I'd question him about the amt, he'd ask specifically where it hurt and I'd have to justify my pain quotient to him. That didnt last very long. I'm way too headstrong to be treated like a 5 yr old. If I don't need all 6, then I dont take them.
Everyone tells me I dont look sick. No one can understand until they walk in our shoes. Thank God for the ICN. It does help to just vent any time.

[jaime15]

Way to go Hubby!
I'm glad he takes up for you....that sure helps to tolerate her for sure.......feel better soon.......

[Flowerchild]

I know how you feel. Know one really understands except those with it. My husband could care less and does not acknowledge my pain & sufferig. My oldest daughter doesn't either. The only one who does in my household is my younger daughter and my dog. She prays nightly for me and my dog is a consant distraction to the pain and a "nurse puppy" when I don't feel like her antics. It's hard because support and undertanding are essential to feel better I think.
I think family members feel it is such an inconvenience to them when we are sick esp. when it can be long term. Hmmm. I think that is selfishness.....but human nature too.
I've been flaring off and on since June. Yes, I have been an inconvenience but I don't have ic to get attention!!!!!!
Please take care and know you are cared about on the IC network.:grouphug:

[mcrabb73]

I am not sure if this is the place to ask this question...but since it mentioned venting...I thought it might be.

Does anyone out there have suggestions on how to cope with your bladder running your life? I know it shouldn't...but it does. Everything I eat or drink...I wonder...is this going to cause a flare? Or where is the closest bathroom? I swear I know where every one is in every store!

Also I would love suggestions on how people coped with their "normal" life being ripped away from them. I miss being "normal". I miss being able to eat pizza and drink diet coke. Please help. Thank you.:)

[Miss Who]

I just wanted to say that I agree with you when you say that they don't understand until the walk in our shoes. This disease stinks! People look at you and you "look" perfectly fine to them. If only the could see the inside of our bladders or how severe our pain is!
I have been having severe symptoms for over a year now, and am on major pain medication and have not had a pain free day for just as long (even with medication) I was issued a handicapped placard and one day I used it (I don't use it all the time, only when I just can't walk because of the pain) I had an elderly woman yell at me for parking in the handicapped space. I was horrified. She yelled that I didn't look handicapped to her! I just wish people could understand. I showed her my handicapped placard and she said yeah whatever it's probably someone elses, not mine. I was so upset that I just sat there in shock and wanted to cry. (I think I actually did) I waited around hoping to see her come out of the store and I was going to go talk with her and calmly explain that not everyones disability is a visual one, and that I didn't think we were supposed to JUDGE people. Often times I do find myself wishing that it was a visual disability because I think it would help people to understand.
I am glad that I have this place to go and vent and know that you all will understand.

I also have a couple addtional questions, that I hope someone can help me with. I haven't used this site too much and I don't seem to know how to start a post, only how to reply to ones. Can someone take me through the steps. I think I am making it harder than it is, but might be the flare issues too.

Another Question: When you ICers are sick with a cold or flu or something does that cause your IC symptoms to increase? I have had a terrible week and thought that maybe I had a "bug" and that was adding to my pain and IC symptoms.

Can anyone help me with those questions, if so I would appreciate it very much. Thanks so much for everything but especially for being someone who has been there and understands each other and our pain and suffering (especially from people who just don't understand our disease and cause us additional pain and suffering)

[Claredale]

Miss Who, as for the lady that screamed at you regarding your use of the handicap placard is not worth your time. That is between you and your doctor. It is best to ignore them even if it does make you feel badly.

I wish I had the answers too regarding finding a way to make the people that are in your life understand what you are going through. For the most part, the only person that has ever been vocal about my illness is my MIL, but I have learned that silence is the best way to deal with her. For so long, I wanted my husband to "take sides", but as I grew older, I realized that I wasn't being fair. That is his mother and while I know he is so embarrassed that she treats me the way she does, I truly started to believe that she thought she had him on her side. My husband and I have been married for 25 years now. He is the one that is my rock when I feel like my life is falling apart. I know he prays for me and does his best to protect me from his mom as much as possible.

For many years, his mother was in many ways my best friend. She was my sounding bored and on mornings that I couldn't sleep and didn't want to disturb my family, I would go over to her house so that we can talk. I truly thought that she understood my pain and my frustration of wanting my life back. She took me to a few of my appts when my mom or my husband wasn't able to take me. She wasn't in the room with me during any type of examination, but I always asked the nurse to tell her I wanted her to come in while the doctor was talking to me, just so she would hear for herself what I was going through.

My SIL, my husband's older brother, has MS and chronic migraines. We live a few hours apart, but I so vividly remember my MIL making comments about my SIL expecting her husband to help her around the house and how often she slept in while he went to the grocery store, etc. My SIL is very independant and rarely have I seen her sick, until one year when we were on a family vacation, she and I both stayed at the condos while the rest of our family went on an outing. We both wanted to go so bad, but each of us was having an "episode" and felt it best that we stay behind and rest. They would be gone most of the day and our MIL even left us a note asking us to start dinner "if we started feeling better".

At that time, neither of us had really had a conversation about our individual relationships with our MIL. I was amazed to hear some of the things that my SIL said that my MIL shared with her. Things like I always seemed to be sick when there was an opportunity for me to get attention. I know a few times in my conversations with her, she would say things like she had a hard time comprehending how it was for me since she had never been sick. I knew that when she was pregnant and even a few weeks after she delivered, she was so sick that the ended up moving in with her mother so that she could take care of her. There was also a time that she had bone spurs in her shoulder and I was the one that took off of work for a few days so that I could take care of her. All my life, I had been taught to be respectful of my elders so I never brought up any of those situations. Another time, she had some kidney stones, and the men in my family had gone for a weekend get away to watch a football game, so I was the one that took her to the ER and held her hand while she was going through the worst pain I have ever seen. I myself was in a flare, but somehow God got me through it so that I could take care of her. By then, her sister and mom were not healthy themselves so I knew that I had to be there for her. Still at this time, I believed that she was still not only my MIL but my friend.

Anyway, when my SIL and I were alone for several hours, we started talking about things. We came to realize that she had been "discussing" our illnesses with the other for years. I told her that I couldn't remember how many times I heard her say things like she was never sick, so she had no idea what it was like to be like us. We both knew of several times that she was sick, even the year before, she had problems with her blood pressure and had frequent nose bleeds. That was right before we were going on our yearly family vacation and both my SIL and I were the ones to cater to her.

My SIL said that she was so glad that she lived a good enough distance that she didn't have to endure the wrath like I did, plus I had allowed myself to be closer to her. My SIL is 10 years or so older than me, so she was wiser than me when it cames to things. But she said when her first son was born, she wasn't able to breast feed which was very traumatic for her. She said that our MIL actually told her that her baby could sense that she wasn't relaxed therefore, Ryan wouldn't nurse. My SIL told me that she actually believed her and back then the doctors gave us meds to dry up our milk. When she had her 2nd son a couple years later, she actually requested a nurse to help her and before she knew it, she was able to nurse. Our MIL took away one of the pleasures of being a mother out of hatefulness. My SIL had been told that she would probably never have a baby on her own, so of course when she had Ryan, she had so many emotions going through her, that she truly needed someone to tell her that she was doing everything right. She was an older first time mother, so of course she was frustrated which made her first son frustrated as well.

Sorry to get off track. After that vacation, my SIL and I became very close because we both were dealing with the same person that when she was around family, we were treated so differently, but when it was a one on one situation, it was a totally different story. My MIL is very lucky that both my SIL and I had very caring moms and that we were both Christians, because I was so full of hatred, that I could have easily made a huge break in our family, but I didn't want that guilt on me. I have two sons as well, that my MIL was a very good grandmother to. I wasn't about to allow my feelings to deprive them of having a great relationship with their grandparents.

I truly believe that my FIL knew what was going on and he truly means weel, but he was very much like my husband and BIL and did his best to keep the peace because no one crossed my MIL until I finally realized one day that even though I couldn't control her, I could certainly control how she made me feel which sadly meant that the relationship that I cherished so much was gone. I remember when I had my interstim surgery, I told my husband to not give her any date and time because she was the last person I wanted to be there. Even in my drugged state, I can remember her right next to the curtain so that I was sure to see that she was there. Just as quickly, she was gone. My mom was so upset with me for not thanking her for coming, but my mom has a completely different nature and to her, it was much easier to keep the peace then carry a grudge. I explained to her last year that I no longer allowed her to dictate my feelings. At first she didn't understand, but I reminded her of how much work it took for her to have a "fake" relationship with my father for all those years. That I had talked to my pastor and my hubby and I were quite fine with our pastor's advice.

I have posted this before, and I am sorry for the repeat, but for those that deal with people like this in their lives, they need to realize that they are not going to change these people, I certainly believe in praying for those people that treat us badly because it truly is a sickness all of it's own. That was one of the things that my pastor reminded me to do, which in turn has given me the freedom to no longer feel angry or guilty for something that I couldn't control. My husband went with me when I talked to my pastor and while he didn't say much, he truly realized that my relationship with his mom had really taken it's toll on my health and in order for me to recover, it was important that as a Christian that I still honor her, after all she was my husband's mother, but I couldn't allow her to treat me so badly anymore because that was causing me night terrors and whenever I was around her, I would notice that my bladder immediately would go into a flare. My pastor knows my husband's family very well and was very shocked at what I told him since my MIL truly knows how to play the "victime", but he knew I was desparately in need of help. What he told me was the best advice ever. He told me that at her age, I was never going to change her. All I could do was remember that my husband supported me and that I hadn't done anything to cause her to treat me so badly. Somehow, she was damaged, possibly even treated like she was treating me, so the only thing I could do was to pray for her. Tht gave me the ability to no longer feel it necessary to sink down to her level, which would confirm to her and other people that I was the person that she talked about. Even to this day when I am talking to people that are mutual friends, I keep a smile on my face and tell them that I appreciate their thinking about me and that God was taking care of me. My "human" side wanted to tell each and everyone of them exactly what she had said about them behind their backs especially if they were sick, but I knew that wasn't how God wanted me to act. To this day, I only go around my MIL when I am with my husband and I do my best to act normally and never ever discuss my IC or my appts. I have also asked my husband to not make any apologies for me. I have no problems with her knowing that I am not feeling well and that I need my rest. The sad thing is that the only time I actually talk to her is when I call her, which is every week or so. I try my best to stay peppy and keep her posted on the kids since they are so busy and per her, don't call her anymore. I try to remind her that she was once their age and as important as grandparents are, that is just how things go for a little while. I only hear from my kids when they either need something, or when my younger son is bored and needs someone to talk to or my favorite reason, when he wants a recipe so that he can cook.

During one of our family vacations, my SIL and I were sitting on a bench while our entire family was having a great time playing putt putt and riding go-carts. At that time our kids were at that perfect age in which they were independant and were enjoying spending time with their cousins since they didn't have time like that very often. I remember my SIL had Shingles so bad that she couldn't even wear a bra due to the rash plus one of her migraines was building and my IC was barely manageable and I was just about to ask my husband or my BIL to take us back to the vacation home that we had rented when my SIL and I both heard my MIL talking to my niece that is from my BIL's first marriage. She is only 9 years younger than me and being the only granddaughter, she takes every opportunity to keep her "place" in line for the "family jewels". Anyway, when we heard our MIL tell my niece that she felt so bad for her two sons having to deal with such "sickly" wives, I just about lost it. She continued on saying that when she had Shingles, she had no pain, therefore no one had to "take care" of her. She also said that I always seemed to have problems with my bladder when it was convenient and it got me attention. So I guess being on vacation in Florida and being able to stay in on of the nicest beach houses I had ever seen, gave me a reason to "pretend" I was sick. The bedroom that my husband and I stayed in that week made me feel as if I was a queen, but due to my IC, I spent most of my time in bed and was just able to watch my family having the best time on the beach. Our house was right on the beach and since it was in a housing community with no hotels around, it was the perfect spot to be on vacation. My SIL was on the other end of the house, praying for any relief possible because she had 3 grandchildren playing out on the beach and she was missing it. How could any "decent" human truly believe that we were pretending to be sick! It took me a number of years to confront her about what my SIL and I overheard during that vacation. My niece was was dealing with her own issues at the time and my BIL and SIL had done everything the could to help them out financially and emotionally and she actually allowed my MIL to fill her head with such horrible lies about her step mother that always treated her step children as if they were her own. While I was watching her listen to our MIL, I knew she could tell she knew that their conversation was being overheard, so she pretended she was politely listening. During the rest of the week, my SIS and I both noticed that she acted totally different towards us the rest of the vacation. I am sure that her father made it quite clear to her later on that what she was told that she behaved very inappropriately and she apolgized to my SIL, but as for me, she never mentioned it to me again, knowing full well that I was sick even though I didn't "look" sick. It was very hurtful because I had been there on several occasions for her to pick her up when she was down. My niece is a very emotionally challenged person for the first few years of her marriage, when she realized it wasn't all love and laughter especially dealing with major financial issues, that I was constantly praying for her for strenth in everything so that she could salvage her marriage since she already had 2 kids and I knew she would have a very hard time being a single parent. A few years later, my niece pretty much had an emotional breakdown when her first son was diagnosed with ADD and possibly had Turrets. I made sure that I wrote her and called her numerous times to let her know that I was praying for her. My younger son was diagnosed with ADD at about the same age, so she knew I was there for her.

It wasn't until last summer when my younger son, then 20 took her girlfriend with us on our last family vacation. I made sure it was all proper and they had separate sleeping arrangements and they were on their best behavior. I liked his girlfriend alot and we had spent alot of time together because they had dated for almost 2 years. I had made a promise to myself that I would always make my son's girlfriends feel very welcome when they were around me. Angela, happened to be a very strong person, especially for her age. Sh was how I wished I could be in regard to allowing people to be respectful. My MIL made a wicked comment to her about her being hard-headed with Tyler. First of all, my son Tyler is not perfect and has alot to learn about how to treat a girlfriend. I guess my MIL thought she should just take it, just like my SIL and I took it for well over 2 decades. My son's girlfriend was obviously upset, so I actually spent the entire night with her since she didn't have any family. The next morning, my BIL and MIL were sitting by the pool at the vacation home we rented in Orlando and when she tried to whine about my attitude toward her the night before, my BIL finally put her in her place. He told her that she was lucky that I was actually a sweet person because I had put up with alot of her **** for years. Needless to say, I didn't say a word to her the rest of the vacation. I wasn't ugly because we were also down there to attend my nephew's wedding, so there was no way I was going to cause any further issues.

When we got home, I waited 3 weeks for her to apologize to Angela and to me, but she wasn't capable of it. My husband went to her house and made her listen to him and ended their conversation with the statement that under no circumstances was she to try to talk to me until I cooled down. Since she didn't come to me after we returned from vacation, I was quite upset especially since she now involved my own sons. Not even 2 days later, she came over to give me my birthday card and made an attempt to apologize. Her exact words where "she didn't remember every making comments about my illness, "but" if she did, she was sorry. I said a quick prayer and counted to 10. Then I let out things that I had held back for years. I even had a journal in which I used as my venting tool that I suggested that she read. I wasn't surprised when she didn't take it.

I know my story is way off the subject, but my purpose in this is that we should not use up our precious energy on people that we are not going to change. It took me almost 25 years to learn that lesson. I wish so badly that I could be like my mom in this case, but the German ancestry in me came out. I am certain that she was well over it before I ever was. Now, I am only around my MIL when I am not alone. I don't share with her anything regarding my health, but I do call her about once a week to check on her. She has 3 sons and 2 DILs. The middle son is not capable of taking care of her as she ages. He made so many bad choices in his life that he doesn't physically or mentally have the ability, no matter how much he tries. I know I am not her "blood" relative, but obviously her "baby" son loves me and takes care of me very well just as I do for him, so it's hard for me to comprehend that she can't be happy for us and even with my chronic illness, I have been a good wife and friend for her son. Now that I have a DIL of my own, I truly feel blessed that God has given my older son such a wonderful gift. I have prayed for his future spouse since he was an infant.

If anything has come out to be good in our relationship with my MIL, I have made a promise to my sons and my older son's wife that I will always love them and no matter what they can count on me to be there whenever they need me, with no strings attached. I also realize that one day, I will probably be the one that takes care of her because she has 3 sons, one being so messed up from being a drug addict for the majority of his life that even if he wanted to, he won't be able to care for her. He and his then girlfriend had a daughter together, but my MIL never reached out to her like she did her for her other grandchildren, and she was raised by her aunt and uncle because her parents where in and out of jail most of her life. Knowing my MIL, I am quite sure she will be constantly worried that he will take advantage of her because he is so munipulative in his behavior. She would have to keep everything locked up including any meds. No matter how clean he gets at times, he has always stumbled and returned back to the life that took away any chance he had of being a productive human being. He lost his daughter that is so smart and has a great future ahead of her. At this stage in her life, she is a Sophomore at University of Tennessee, she loves her parents, but only because they brought her into the world. By the age of 3, just prior to her mom's sister and BIL got custody of her, she was a master at shoplifting and rummaging through purses at family gatherings. I would have taken her too, but I know in my heart that God placed her where she had the best chance.

When it comes to anyone else in my life that doesn't "get" my IC, I say a prayer for them that they never find themselves in a situation that they have a chronic condition that takes away so much of their lives that they loved so dearly.

For me, I think that having IC has made me a stronger and more compassionate person so whenever I hear comments that are meant to be hurtful, I just ignore them and go on with my my favorite saying. If I am worrying, I am not praying. If I am praying, I am not worrying. Those few lines had gotten me through some of my darkest moments. I have enough to handle without taking on other people's ignorance. People that care for me, have asked me questions and have shown me in so many sweet ways that they do care about me.

Tracey

[anewday]

I am still at the point where I think that my husband should defend me. In fact, our marriage counselor we went to a couple of years ago said it was his job to defend me to her. I don't stand up to her like I do my own mom because I feel like I would be disrespectful.

[beccasark]

I can relate to the pain of having others not believe in us . I choose not to tell my family or friends about my IC. I had been called BABY Baby BABY by my sister for years because I did not feel well. I suffer alone so to speak. I do have a wonderful husband and great doctors and they want me to share my story with others but I do not feel comfortable doing so. My husband asked me to share with all of you to please never give up if you can not find the reason for your pain. I had given birth to my second child and began to have terrible bladder pain. My beginning to IC was 36 years ago. My GYN was wonderful but then pasted away. My PCP at the time did not believe me and wanted my husband to sign papers to commit me, but he never ran tests on me. Nothing. No blood work, nothing of any kind but could not find anything wrong with me just in my head. Fast forward 30 years later and my GYN ended up putting his hand through my uterus. Yes you read this right his fist went right through it. This damage did not happen overnight it took years and years to get like this. He was shocked I ever had any children. Let alone the pain I was in.(I was pregnant 10 times gave birth to 3.) He also found a very damaged ,raw, small bladder. I choose to tell no one what the doctor found out for i did not know if it really matter to them. I have a doctor that did not believe me ,family members calling me names so I remain silent. It has not been easy but I have learned not to let the sins of others destroy the joy in me. I am okay. I work with wonderful people that accept me for whom I am. It is not easy hiding the pain from them, (doctors and nurses)I tend to turn green on them, but you know what I really don't have to either.
If you have a doctor and he thinks your pain is all in your head, please run to another for a second opinion and maybe a woman doctor who is more in tune to our body. I learned the hard way for I never like doctors anyway and was very shy at the time. wow did I get over that real fast.
I want to thank all of you, who have helped me get through some painful days and nights. It is nice to know that I am not alone. It is bitter sweet to say but pain does take a tole on us and no one can understand until they walk in our shoes and it is comforting to know that others understand and you do not judge us or call us names.

[nourbear]

[I may jump around a bit and sorry if this doesn’t all flow well together - or if I just end up repeating something that has already been said. My mind is all over the place. =)]

I know about IC because my best friend has been diagnosed with it and I’ve seen how it affects her life.

It’s difficult to accept anything that makes someone you care about hurt in any manner, especially if it’s something like IC, where you don’t necessarily hear about it often (if you don’t know someone who is diagnosed with it). For those diagnosed, it’s a daily obstacle. It’s a constant worry that there’s going to be some horrible flare up at the most inconvenient moments.

It’s easier to reject something you don’t completely understand. While it may take a while for them to, the very least you could do is educate them. Not only with the medical definitions, but also with some accounts of your own experiences. (For example, while definitions of IC merely state that it’s bladder pain and frequency and urgency in regards to urination, there is so much more as to how it truly affects those who are diagnosed with it.)

Sometimes, it feels like there is only so much you can do … and I realize that it may get frustrating. I’m sorry that they aren’t as empathetic. Hopefully, they will someday understand. =)

[SharonA]

nourbear...Thank you so much for posting. I am sure your friend is very grateful for your support. If only all of us were that blessed. (((Hugs)))

[ellenjb]

All I have to say is that there better be a special spot for ALL of us in heaven. Having to deal with a chronic illness and then having to try to justify it to family is absolutely ridiculous. I totally understand about all the MIL stuff...mine will ask me how I am doing, and then before I can even answer, she says, "you're feeling good right?" Lady, I am eight weeks pregnant with severe IC, so no, I am not feeling good! I have come to realize that I can explain this to her until I am blue in the face, but the bottom line is she is self-interested and only cares about things related to her. SO I gave up, and am much happier. If she starts her bs with me, I simply leave the room. My husband thankfully understands how she is. Just vent to us and others who genuinely care, and leave the rest out....it's sad that it has to be this way, but at the end of the day, you really only need to be talking with people who get it or attempt to understand and care.

[Rachel lynn]

how long did u have ur IC for?