14 year old son lied about a girlfriend

[bunnykinb]

My husband had talked with our son at 13 years old that girlfriends shouldn't be part of the picture. And, our son should remain focused on succeeding in school. He has been a straight A student throuhout middle school. Even at 14 years old this year, my husband reminded our son that its the grades in high school and tests and earn him as a better candidate for scholarships.

Well, for whatever reason, I decided to view his email and found out he had a girlfriend which I know he only sees during lunch and maybe classes. I take him to school every day right before his class starts and his class is right in front of the high school. I confronted him about it and he said that it was just a friend, but not according to the email. My husband and I spoke to our son again about not having a girlfriend. He said everybody has one, but yet none of his friends have any. I told him that it is just a selected number that have them. He told my husband he understood.

Well, I went on his email again today and he deleted all messages except in the MYmail section. I found another email from December of 2007 that the girl from 8th grade said she didn't like my son as a boyfriend but hoped that they could continue being friends. So, my son has attempted asking someone else almost a year ago. Who else has he asked?

I need some additional advice on this please.

[yvette]

I'm wondering what in particular are you afraid of, if he has a "girlfriend". Is it sex that makes you concerned? Or just the idea of dating as a whole?

I'm remembering that age and to be quite honest people dating at that time, for the most part, was pretty common. I think it is an important part of the social aspects of growing up. The passing of notes (Now its email, txting?), holding hands, hanging out, sitting at lunch together.

If you feel really strongly about this certainly I'm not trying to sway you one way or the other....but you don't want to have him hiding it from you either.
Again I remember this age really well and there's lots that was hidden from our parents, some was pretty benign, other stuff not so much. :)

[petrie86]

I'm 22 years old.... I understand your concern for your son to succeed in his classes, however maybe it might be a good idea to try to give him a little freedom. See what happens if he has a girlfriend, if his grades start to drop then I would lecture him. Kids these days especially his age dont think the same as we do. a bf/gf relationship at that age isnt a big deal, its a hi how are you puppy love. But see what happens.
I grew up with really strict parents who wouldnt let me date till i was 16 or 17 years old. when kids have restrictions they tend to go against what you tell them to do. they rebel.... or at least me and my friends and my sisters did. Its natural because kids think they know everything!
Personally i'd rather my child be honest with me then set such restrictions and have him lie to me about having a gf. ya know? it's really up to you, and i'm not a parent yet so i probably have NO CLUE what i'm talking about.
Wishing you the best!

[Bessie]

I would just keep talking to him and let him know that you are only looking out for his best interest. Tell him that he can come to you no matter what. I think most teenagers are embarrassed to talk to their parents about their girlfriends/boyfriends but you just have to let him know that you care. I went through that with my son also and I would feel so bad when he would keep things from me. I had a friend that told me "don't take anything your teenager does or says to you personally" At the time I thought she was crazy for saying that, but she was so right. It gets better, I promise :)

[bunnykinb]

Miss Bessie,

My husband and I were both raised not to have boyfriend/girlfriend during our school years. Both of us abided by that rule and did not rebel. We aren't saying he can't ever date. We think he is too young to really get involved. So far, he showed me his Algebra 2 Honors grade and has 105% which is great. He said he is doing well in other classes as well. He did graduate from middle school as the top student of all the students for his perfect math score. I just don't want his school work to suffer. Girls now a days seem much more advanced than I was. My husband has talked with him about sex, but I did remind my son last night that he is too young for sex. He said "oh no not that". Right now, if he has a gf, it is only during lunch because I take him to school right before class and my husband and I share in picking him up timely.

I did recheck his email and see that he deleted everything except one section which has an email from 12/07 from a girl in his science class that said she just wanted to remain friends and not have a boyfriend. I just can't believe he is a good boy yet went behind our backs.

[Bessie]

I know how you feel. I really do. My son was always so good and never got into trouble. He always hated when people smoked and said he would never do that, well guess what? I found out that he did indeed smoke. I was just devastated. I could not believe it. That hurt me so much, especially the fact that he did not tell me for a long time. I actually found out about it because I smelled cigarette smoke in his car. He even tried to deny it then and put the blame on his girlfriend :loco: I guess he did not want to disappoint me. One good thing though, he is now an ex-smoker :woohoo::woohoo::woohoo:
It is hard going through those teenage years. All you can do is love them through it, keep your stance, and let them know you are there for them, but you still expect them to do the right thing.

[bunnykinb]

Thanks for your comments. I appreciate them because they are my points of view too. I know my baby is growing up. I didn't even tell my friend because I knew she would say "well, you just have to let them go". Well, her daughter started having sex at 13yrs old. We remind our son that girls can get pregnant and if the girl knows who the dad is, well, that boy's life is miserable too. He should not waste life on that especially with his goals he has in his mind.

I still have my younger 7 year old who loves Mommy's attention so much!

[ICNDonna]

It's natural for kids to start thinking about girl friends and boy friends at this age. If you forbid it, you may just be driving them into hiding. It's very possible for young teens to have healthy friendships with the opposite sex. As long as he's maintaining his good grades and you know where he is, I wouldn't worry.

Donna

[dg2901]

I'm a bit lost as to what the problem is. Its only natural for kids at that age (12/13/14) to start noticing the opposite sex and wanting that attention. I highly doubt, given what you've stated regarding his academics, that if he was to start showing interest in a particular girl that it would affect his grades.
Like mentioned, the more "dont do this, dont do that" you attempt to instill in him, the more likely he is to hide whats going on in his life from you--or worse yet, start to rebel. Remember there are a lot worse things he could be interested in.
My son is grown now (barely!), however I remember all too well how stressful the early teen years were.

Hang in there--it'll all work itself out!
:)
Diana

[traceann]

Oh wow did this bring back memories!! ;) I remember having "boyfriends" at that junior high level (7th and 8th grade) but they weren't boyfriends like when I was older. We hung out at school on recess, lunch etc. We'd all have "group dates" with a parent to the movies or whatever, it wasn't a "date" in what we all think, it was very supervised etc.

I know exactly what you mean though about times being different, my SIL and I were just discussing this - regarding her baby daughter. She asked me what my mom said to me to keep me a "good" kid (she was too), and I can't remember one thing in particular other than a real trust she had in me - which made it very very easy to discuss things of that nature with her. We talked about how we were thinking about Barbies in the young grades, lol.

My very first long-term boyfriend in highschool (my junior year) was 2 years younger than me (and yes, I took a lot of ribbing for that). We had a lot to prove to his parents before they were comfortable with an "older girl" being interested in their son, etc. Lots of family get-togethers to get to know me, etc. It really made us respect their wishes etc, because they became like parents to me too. And they loved me because I actually helped him get better grades and have better study habits etc., lol. :biglaugh:

You and your hubby sound like great parents - and I am sure you are raising wonderful children! I just know that no matter how hard we try, sometimes they have to find their own way, what worked for us might not for them - but trust that you have done the best you could and you have a great kid(s) who benefitted from your guidance and will make smart choices when it comes to their future!!!!

BIG hugs to you and as Diana said - hang in there, you're entering the Twilight Zone with the teen years, shoot, even I didn't understand myself half the time, lol!!!! All will be wonderful, I just know it!

Hugs,
Tracey

[jen74]

I understand where you are coming from, my son is 16 years old. I have to say that in my opinion, maybe you are being a little overbearing. Please know that I do understand and respect what you and your hubby are saying, and yes, it would be great if he would wait until after he is out of school. But he is a teenager, and he is almost right at that age where boys do notice the girls. It is good to give him pep talks about safe sex, this is very important. I mean look at it this way, at least he will know right from wrong. Another thing I noticed as a parent, is that the more rules you put on your son or should I say the more you make out of this, the more chance there is that he will rebel. Kids are like that. I was having some issues with my son with school and the school counselor said that in all his 25 years of dealing with teenagers, he said one thing
always stands the same, the more you press an issue with your kid, for example you constantly telling him he cannot have a girlfriend, the more they are likely to go against you.
Also, does your son know you read his emails? I would not let him know this. He may feel this as a violation of his privacy. I think it is ok that you read them, I mean it is good for a parent to know what is going on with their kid, but I would not let him know that you read his emails. But in any event, I think you should be proud, your son is getting good grades in shcool. If he is just talking to a girl, and believe me, I am sure that is all it is. My son who is 16 tells me he has a girlfriend now. He talks to her on the phone from time to time. They do not date as they do not go anywhere together. They basically just talk on the phone. He considers this as dating I suppose. But either way, I am happy. my huubby and I have talked to him about safe sex and all about the birds and the bees. In this day and age you have to talk to them early. I mean my husband and I were very blunt and told our son that he should wait until he is older and settled before getting serious with any girl. But again, they are kids, and we told him if he ever did decide to have sex, he BETTER use a condom and we explained all the consequences of not using protection ( Aids, babies, STDs you name it).
Your son is still pretty young at 13, but believe me, in a couple years, it will only get worse. He is at that age. In my opinion, If I were you, I would just keep a watchful eye on him, make sure he is doing well in school and like you have likely already done, give him the birds and bee's talk and I think he should be fine. Good luck.
Jen

[VickiB]

FWIW, I'm going to throw my 2 cents in. My kids are grown, with the youngest now a parent herself. (She thinks I take a 'certain satisfaction' in watching her struggles as a parent. :evilsmile) -There's probably some truth in that!

At 14, I'm thinking the behavioral groundwork has already been laid. I believe kids are 'hard-wired' to be and do what they will to some extent. A parent's influence on this comes early, -by age 14 it's either there or not. I have no doubt you have done well! Meaning, he knows your expectations, he knows right from wrong, etc. From this point on he makes the transition into being his own person, though still under your guidance and ultimately with your support & protection to fall back on when he makes mistakes.

Sometimes we can try so hard to protect them from what 'might happen' with our rules and such, that we take away their ability to begin practicing good decision making themselves. I think as parents, we can aid teenagers best by letting them experiment, with-in reason of course.

I say this while thinking of people who's kids were friends of my children. All different levels of parenting. Some strict, some very lax with rules, yet that didn't seem to be a major factor in how the kids turned out.

Anyway, 14 is a tough age to be parenting, -in a tough time. I'm sure you're doing well!

Vicki

[SandyRN]

I have a 20 year old boy, a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son. All 3 of them are in advanced/honors classes and have made great grades and I expect them to continue to do so.

With my 20 year old, when he was about that age he started thinking about girls, but it was innocent! As it sounds like your son is completely innocent. If the worst he is doing is talking to this girl via email and at lunch then I would really put your worries aside. He's not shown you any reason not to trust him. "Dating" at that age amounts to what your son is doing, which, IMHO is totally normal and natural.

Now, if he gave you any inkling that he was starting to get more involved and his grades did start to slip I would take it to a different level and get more involved myself....like who is this girl, what is she like, is she an honors student too, does his grades slipping have something to do with her, etc? But this isn't the case.

Honestly, I have found that if you let your kids have a little freedom, show them that you trust them wholeheartedly then you have nothing to worry about. It's when you tighten that leash too tight they might begin to rebel.

He sounds like a great kid, and one you should be proud of. Give the kid a little slack. He's not going out on real dates, he's not having sex, and he's excelling in his classes. A lot of people would be grateful to have kids like that.

I know I have been blessed with my kid's grades and behavior and I feel that by trusting them and making sure that they know they can come to me, to talk to me about ANYTHING at all has added to this. It's when they feel they have to hide things that things start to get tricky. Please, make sure he knows you'll never judge him, that you will always be there for him and that you will listen without jumping down his throat.

Just what I've learned from raising my kids...and my 20 year old and I STILL have very open talks, my daughter tells me lots of things going on in her life and my 13 year old is just getting to the point where he is ready to talk, and he knows I'll listen to him no matter what.

A little freedom is good for a kid because it shows them that you trust them. Please don't smother him.

I know you love your child, read how you were brought up, but times are different and if you lose that line of communication then I would be VERY worried!

I hope I didn't offend you....I am just speaking as one mom to another.

Hugs, Sandy

[bunnykinb]

I appreciate all your comments. I did talk with my other close friend. She smiled and said she knew what I meant. She reminded her daughter how dating a single person might become overbearing at 14. I know that if all the time he has to see this girl is at lunch which is really not much time at all. He has been a very social person since a young age and is not shy. I think it was peer pressure of some people though and maybe he didn't want to feel out of place saying he didn't have a girlfriend. But, I reminded him that the whole school doesn't have a significant other. His friends don't. He should not feel intimidated because of not having a girlfriend. He has a good shoulder on his head. There will be lots of peer pressure too when it comes to drinking etc. We know his friends and the boys come over quite often. My son has asked me to bring a different friend home for the last two weeks. I can joke around sometimes with them too. I told my son if he wanted to bring a girl to the house to study, talk or play Xbox that was fine. It is just difficult having my little guy grow up sometimes.

Thanks,

[BreezyDay]

My daughter is 13 and I understand that the kids shoudn't be getting too serious. But their maturity level really doesn't allow for that type of "girlfriend/boyfiend" relationship. But the fact of the matter is that as a young teenager, he is going to begin to have an interest in girls. If you forbid it, I believe it will happen anyway and I just think I would rather approach the situation in a way that allows my daughter the comfort to come and talk to me about such relationships so I am part of the process and have a voice in helping establish for herself healthy relationship boundaries. I would rather be the person to help her do this than another 13 yr old because she is too busy hiding it from me. Learning what to tolerate and what not to tolerate in relationships as well as understanding that one should only be with another who can love them they way they deserve to be loved are really important life lessons. I feel better that my daughter is weeding her way through this while we are under the same roof. My daughter comes to me for validation regarding her "boyfriend" decisions but she is also aware of my expectations regarding school work and grades. I think there can be a healthy balance.
PS - Having a boyfriend in middle school is different than in high school. In middle school, kids basically see each other at school or school functions and may talk on the phone or via email. It is truly nothing too serious.

[ICNDonna]

One thing I learned when I worked for a family counselor is that if you don't trust your children (and somehow they know it if you don't) those are the ones who are most likely to misbehave.

Donna

[Claredale]

I have 2 grown sons and I can honestly say that I never told them not to have girlfriends. They had friends of both sexes their entire lives. My older son and his friends even decided not to have "girlfriends" in highschool because they didn't want the added drama. Some of them complied, while others didn't but they had their friends to pick them up and yes, hold them accountable. My younger son has liked girls since kindergarden and always told me he was going to marry so and so. I can't tell you how many rings we had to buy out of the little machine outside Walmart for his girlfriends! I still have such cute notes that he and whoever his girlfriend of the week was wrote to each other with the elementary language.

My sons knew about the facts of life very early in life. My husband and I started very young in their lives talking about things that their age could understand.

I don't know how having a girlfriend should be "taboo". I am also baffled about you saying his friends don't have girlfriends, what does it matter? I know people say girls are more forward than our last generation, but I know so many girls from this generation that are such sweet, good kids. Don't let certain things you hear or even see, make up your mind that it's that way for all girls or guys. Both of my sons had very sweet friends of the opposite sex. My older son is married now. He married a girl he met in college at a back to school hayride. Not having a girlfriend in highschool didn't make him have good grades. That was a totally separate issue. Both my sons knew that grades were important, but so was their social life, being involved in activities like sports for my older son and video club with my younger son. And just because your son has guy friends, doesn't mean he is on the right path. Guys aren't always the best influence for other guys either. My son married one of those wonderful girls! She is truly my son's gift from God! When they got engaged, I told her I had been praying for her since my son was born.

Now that my sons are grown and I look back at pictures of them growing up with their friends, I can see how so many people (both sexes) influenced their lives. I actually ran into one of my younger son's girlfriends (short lived) last night. She has just graduated and is moving to the same general area that my son lives in as well as several other kids that grew up together in our church youth group. She said that she was going to be looking for a church and she would be sure to give him a call to go visit the church with her.

It's natural to be protective, but it's also natural for your kids to have their secrets..they aren't all bad! I truly don't feel that innocent secrets like having a crush on someone is wrong. My kids have shared some of their secrets that happened when they were younger now that they are grown, and it is so funny, especially when I had already heard some of the stories well before hand. They knew that I had eyes in the back of my head, but they forgot that I have friends with the same ability!

I can just say that my parents actually used to tease me about not having a "boyfriend" because I didn't feel comfortable talking to them when I did have a crush because my mother was the first to call all of her friends to spread the news that I sat next to a boy on the way home from church camp. I might have held his hand, which was a biggie at the age of 15! When I had my very first date, I didn't even tell my parents until the guy was literally walking up the sidewalk because I was so worried about the teasing! Until I met my husband, I also had both male and female friends. Sometimes I had crushes, sometimes I would be hurt to hear the "just friends" line, etc. Please focus on your son being well rounded in life. Yes, grades are important, but so is having a social life, having little secrets and just being a kid.

Yes, these days are different, but I am so glad that I had the opportunity to have the "gathering" house where all the kids came to hang out. I got to know my kids friends, plus I always had other parental help. We live so close to our church, that we just became the hangout for movies, wrestling matches on TV (UGH!) and many many sports events on TV.

When my older son got married to his college sweetheart after that graduated and I was cleaning up his room to make our guest room, I came across a box of his notes that he kept in highschool. I read a few and would just laugh because my son was so many times the "counselor" to a girl that was having boy trouble and I knew in reality, he had such a crush on this girl. Here he was playing cupid! Those were the times I knew he was down because I would hear Garth Brooks song "Unanswered Prayers" coming from his room. There were letters of encouragement, and just funny wacky notes with drawings and so many "I'm bored" notes. I will treasure these forever! He knows I have them and even told me to throw them away, but I said that I have a box that I kept as a kid that I look back at now and just laugh at what I found as tragic or my life would not go on if so and so didn't ask me to skate with him on Friday night at Skateland! I hope to think when he was a kid that I would not have invaded his privacy. I know I had notes just like that when I was growing up. Unless you or your husband see a problem, know that this is all apart of growing up. Being afraid of girls, liking girls, being jilted, etc. It's all apart of what makes us who we are. Actually my son made his best grades his last 2 years in college because his girlfriend was soooo mad at him because he was not reaching his potential! He was a very good student in highschool, but when he went away to college, he still made good grades, just not the high grades we were used too. So I found it funny that all the things we said, didn't get through, but Jessica could fuss at him and that made the difference!

Also with the email. I never in my life read any of my son's emails or text messaging. Not that I knew how to get through to their mail, but I am sure if I was that adament, I would have learned, plus my husband could have done it easily if he wanted to. I can see trust flying right out the window with that one. I know I don't know you, but please take a step back and look at what is really important. For me, it was important that my sons respected everyone, especially girls at all times, were happy "most" of the times. Life wasn't perfect for any of us. And the most important thing was that no matter what, we would always love them and they both had such a great support system with their friends through church and school. My husband and I were strict with some things and "fun" parents with others. They knew right from wrong and believe me, they didn't want a lecture from mom!

It is a great thing to have a gifted child. But its even better to have a child that loves his/hers parents. They aren't going to please us in everything in their lives, but if they know that they have us to fall back on no matter what, that is so important.

Keep your faith in your son, it will come back so many times over!

Tracey

[hdb1982]

I'll just ditto what Cleardale said on that one, especially the email issue. Unless you have a reason to be snooping, like difference in attitude or getting in trouble, that is a real quick way to have them feel they have no privacy. My mom snooped in my room once and found something she didn't like and I simply told her to not go looking for something if she was going to be ****** once she found it. She never looked again. It is very contradictive to say "you can talk to me about anything" and then invade their privacy in such a way.

[SandyRN]

It is very contradictive to say "you can talk to me about anything" and then invade their privacy in such a way.


I love what you said here. My mother read my diary when I was 16 and that broke our line of communication forever!!! Please do not risk this with your son! He's entitled to some privacy. Anyway, Heather's quote sums it all up for me!

If you are gonna look, just please do NOT tell him you looked. I know that feeling of having my most private thoughts read by someone else and it hurts very much. Our relationship suffered after that and I DID rebel. I didn't much before that, but she ruined it for me. I felt like I had nobody to go to except my friend's mom. That is not the way it should be!!!

[bunnykinb]

He knew when he was allowed to have his own email that we could inspect it at anytime. I have really never felt the need to go check anything, but for some odd reason I did. I understand about healthly relationships and healthy boundaries as one person said. Yes, it was just the initial shock of a girl friend.

I had a great day with my two boys. My son acted like the same person as before. I am on the computer and I heard him say to his friend the great day he had with his mom.

Thanks everyone again for your views!!

[crazy_beautiful]

ok I don't want to step on anyone's toes here, So I am apologizing in advance.

first I agree with Yevette and Donna, hes 14, and at that age its probably as innocent as can be. with him hiding it then he is afraid to tell you he likes this girl and wants to be her b/f. knowing you forbid it, he will hide it from you. I can guess he was full blown angry when you checked his email. A mother of a teenager. I have never accessed email, or online chatting, aol, msn yahoo, that's invading their privacy.

as long as you continue to push this at him the more he will do what you don't want him to do. I agree if his grades are good and he is at the least passing I see no problem with him having a girlfriend. My very first date was when I was 13. but it was nothing more then going to a movie, actually watching it and going home.

try to give him a break mom, he sounds like a great kid, and you are both doing a great job parenting. :smile tee

[hdb1982]

My mom checked my email once. I acted like "okay mom thats fine"but inside I was so angry at her. There weren't any bad things in it at all. I just went and created another email acct. she knew nothing about. Just b/c I felt she was being two faced by telling me she trusted me then going into my email.