so hurt my heart is broken and my stomach is in knots

[petrie86]

As most you know, I had been with a guy for about 3 1/2 years. He had been through everything with me and my family. He was there for me through thick and thin... unfortunatly things got messed up and we ended up breaking up about 4 months ago. He had been texting me that he was majorly depressed and didn't want to live anymore. After months of worring about him. He sends me an email last week randomly saying that he had to confess... that he had been acting for the past 4 months about being depressed bc he thought by saying all those things I would get over him, which i did on my own. (starting dating a great guy a few months ago) He said he didnt mean to hurt me but did it thinking it was best for me. Because if I had found out he had "hooked up" with a girl 2 weeks after we broke up it would crush me. I was so upset about by this email i reacted out of anger and texted him yelling and cursing and just plain outraged by his lies. I was honestly concerned and didnt understand his logic behind it all thathe could have been honest with me! he got all nasty with me and cursed back and then apologized and said he wished me the best with whoever i was with.
yesterday was my 22nd birthday and my ex decided to text me calling me a and i have some nerve to yell at him meanwhile im in another relationship and he hopes my new bf knows what he's getting into with me and called my new bf a poor and then wished me a happy birthday. i probably should have left it at that but being that upset i said well i guess things dont change bc u still feel the need to ruin my birthday every year! later last night i was in a movie and when i got out i had 7 text messages asking if i cheated on him and how long i've known him then bc i didn answer he got angry and started the name calling and then said i was a spitfull and that he knows why my parents kicked me out that it all makes sense know. he gets why i never wanted him to talk to them bc he thinks they'd tell him im a liar a user and not worth it. that he'd write me an email tomorrow.
i get to work this morning im in a meeting with a client and my fone is buzzing up the wazoo. i come to find out that he decided to come clean and say that at the beggining of our relationship he was still sleeping with his ex "betty" and then about a year later he cheated on me with another girl.... then he also slept with some other younger girl who moved into his dad's apartment complex and thathe lied to me constantly about going to his friend work at night and going up to his cabin when he would really go to these girls houses. then to tip it off he says he says family and friends and they're all fake and that i was never worth his time and to have a nice life. In tears at work i didnt know what to do. why on earth would someone ever want to hurt me that badly? after all i've been through with my family and being kicked out, why would he 1st of all cheat on me. and then tell me after we break up? out of spite bc im now seeing someone else and he cant handle it? guilt? i dont know waht it is.... i lost it at work. finally calmed down and decided enough is enough if i react to him in tears or anger he'd win bc obviously he's pretty proud of himself. so i text him nicely saying "i'm glad you got that all of your chest now leave me alone." he said oh i will.... 30 mins later he texts me again saying "wow how strong you are u!" so enough was enough i called verizon and changed my number. I'm not letting him hurt me ever again!!!! that's why we broke up but i realized i didnt deserve it anymore. but i cant help but feel its my fault or mad at myself for being so naieve. ya know? like where did i go wrong for someone to treat me that why and what a wast of 4 years dating him!!!! I feel like a crazy person! someone please offer some sort of advice, i didnt think a restraining order was necessary but if he tries anything else i might have to. please pray for my heart!!! thanks ladies

[Julie B]

He got one thing right, you are a strong woman. (I like the little muscles on this emoticon: :woohoo: )

Changing your number was a simple but effective way to set boundaries. Good for you.

Hugs,

[Claredale]

Wow! Just be glad that you are no longer with him. I guess I will just say what I would say to my 21 year old son. Why are you feeling that it is your fault that a person you were interested in didn't have any morals? I am so glad to hear that you changed your phone number. I don't know what the critiera is to get a restraining order. It's different for different jurisdictions, but if I were you I wouldn't respond to anything he has to say. Silence is the best weapon in cases like this. As my mom used to say to me and I now say to my sons. Don't fan the fire if you are wanting it to go out.

Best of luck on your new relationship and stay happy and focused on what is good for you!

Tracey

[ICNDonna]

I think changing phone numbers was the wise thing to do.

Donna

[leelee88]

Glad you took action and was strong! That is good you changed your number. You are better off leaving it be, whatever his intentions were..

[amaranthe]

I am so sorry that he feels the need to be such a big jerk to you. Obviously he DOES know what he has lost and is very bitter about his loss and wants you to be as miserable as he is! That's why he feels the need to do and say all of this to you. Please dont fall for it! You cant believe a thing he says now, since his motives are not pure. I wouldnt be surprised one bit if EVERYTHING he is telling you is a lie just to hurt you, (like him cheating on you all those times, and the things he said about his family not liking you, etc.) Obviously, his family DID care a great deal about you, or they would not have let you move in with them when you were having problems with your parents. (That one is a lie for sure!) And I would also bet that is family STILL cares a great deal about you, (though it would be inappropriate for them to show it, since they must show their alliegence to him, since he is obviously crushed by losing you.)

The opposite of love is not hate...it is apathy. Hate is actually related to feelings of love. You have to care to hate someone and want to hurt them this much. IMO, he is trying desparately to hate you and hurt you because he cares so much that he wants you to hurt as much as he does so you will feel something too. Does that make any sense? (I realize I doesnt to us sane people, but in "crazyland"...where he is right now, it makes perfect sense!) So the best way to get back at him and show him that he doesnt matter at all is to completely ignore him. Does that make any sense?

However, you did do the right thing by changing your number. He should not be allowed to harrass you like this either. Though he is hurting, he needs to get control of his feelings and move on as you have. Though he says he has moved on, obviously he hasnt or he would be too busy dating these random women to be calling you and remembering your birthday to call you to harrass you on it!

As for him saying he had an affair with the tenant (the one who was supposedly raped and only felt comfortable talking to a complete MALE stranger about it, who happened to be your fiance), I STILL dont even believe he had an affair with her at that time, no matter WHAT he is telling you now! He KNOWS that you were very suspicious of her motives for talking to him, (with good reason), and you even told him that at the time and told him you thought she was trying to put the moves on him. He told you back then that it wasnt like that, he would never cheat on you, etc. Well, he is telling you that he did now because he is trying to make you jealous now, because he knows that this woman was a sore spot back then!

As for him telling you he was sucidal after your break up, that was another ploy for attention, trying to guilt you into staying around, or at the very least trying to see if you still cared. It was a very transparent one too! But he WAS right about one thing......you ARE a strong woman! That is the ONLY thing he isnt lying about!

Please dont fall for his immature games and his desparate and pathetic attemepts to get your attn and make you feel bad about yourself.
I was engaged to a guy once who did the same stuff....right down to the suicide threats when we broke up! He even lied and told me people said things about me that they didnt say....like he'd supposedly "overhear" ppl say how fat I was and how lucky I was to be with him b/c no other guy would date me if I was single again, etc. I believed him stupidly, even tho I was 134lbs! But, men like these prey on any weakness or insecurities we have to make us feel badly enough about ourselves that we will think we cant do better than them. But, we are smarter than that! We have both ALREADY done better than them! (Heck, we did better than them when we were by ourselves! We have thrown away better men than this!) Him saying things about "understanding why your family wont have anything to do with you" is one of his ways of trying to manipulate you now and hurt you. PLEASE dont fall for this! He was with you for over 3 yrs....he knows the story, and DOES understand, but is just trying to use one of your tender spots to hurt you.

He is a cruel man to do this to you...(no matter HOW MUCH he apparently has gone crazy with jealousy at the thought of you with someone else or because he is hurting and wants you to hurt too.)

Again, I am so sorry this is happening to you. But, Pls know I am here if you ever need to talk. PM me anytime. BELIEVE ME, I have been there and understand!

Many hugs,
Amaranthe

[stef000]

I am so sorry you went through that...
He is so screwed up(didn't want to call him anything more than that)
I have gone through a couple guys like that and my friend is going through a breakup like that right now....
First saying that he wants to work on their relationship then turning around and threatening to burn her stuff....
:loco:
so just know that whatever he has said and done, does not involve you at all...
hes just saying it for whatever screwed up reason he thinks....
remember you are a strong woman and try to ignore that stuff he said...
i know its hard and you will go back over it all in your head but you have to understand that you are a strong woman and you realized that he was screwed up and you got over him and everything is good now....
just remember you got us and the new guy in your life....
i am so sorry you had to go through that...
no woman should go through that kind of torture.... :headbang::bonk::cussing:
your fighting this disease and trying to have a somewhat normal life and stress is horrible on the bladder so you gotta try to put it behind you...
its hard but i know you can do it...
we are all here for ya.....
just remember that....:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
take it easy and take care :pray:
message me anytime you need....
:grouphug::grouphug:

[petrie86]

Thank you all so much for you support. I'm trying hard not to let it affect me or replay everything over and over in my head. It just stinks that I wasted 4 years of my life for what? ya know? he was emotionally abusive all throughout our relationship... the things he did to help me were all a coverup bc i figured someone who would help me like he did really did love me and wouldnt hurt me or cheat on me. guess i was mistaken... but it made me realize what a pig he really is and that he can now find someone else to abuse. Im not letting him hurt me any longer. I'm trying to stay strong and not let him doing these things to affect my new relationship. I dont want to not be able to trust anyone bc of what my ex did. i have to let go of it all and move on with my life. Easier said than done. He just knows my sensitve areas andbuttons to push to get me going, im sure it killed him that i didnt react much when he told me all about his cheating episodes yesterday. I guess its better to ignore it than fight fire with fire. well in this case at least. I went home yesterday and blocked him from my facebook, myspace, and instant messanger. He still can email me but thats about it. i'm sure he wont... but ya never know he's psycho right now. i just hope he doesnt take it to the next level of craziness like messing wiht my car or what not.
any who i just wanted to thank you all again for the support... trying to be strong and keep my chin up. hugs!

[waterflow]

:kissing: Words hurt more then being beaten. Try not to let him get you down. I know it is VERY hard to do. Plus I don't believe him about all those affairs. I think he said it because he knew it would hurt you and he was trying to make himself look more Manly. You know what I mean? If they brag it can't be true. :tsk:

[Claredale]

You can send his emails directly to junkmail. I had to do that with a lady that I used to work with that constantly sent me doomsday type emails, so I have my email set up that her emails go directly to my junkmail, which gets deleted immediately, so I won't have any urge to check my junkmail as well.

T83

[hdb1982]

I was going to suggest the spam folder as well. You can set up your options tho have spam/junk mail deleted immediately. Someone told me that with gmail they can enter in specific email addresses that automatically go to trash. Your email may even have a block option. If I were you I'd set your Myspace to private, if it isn't private already. That way he can't even view your page. He only said those things b/c you are with someone new and he wants to hurt you. I doubt he was even with someone 2 weeks later. If he was so what, who cares? You shouldn't. Props for changing your number. Be strong and even if he emails don't respond other than to tell him to not contact you again. If he does you could get a restraining order and even sue him for harassment if it continues. I would email him and tell him that you have changed your number and blocked him from messanger, mysoace and facebook. You will ask him one time, and one time only, to not contact you again or you will file a restraining order. That way if you need to go that route you have solid proof you asked him not to contact you. Keep all of your text messages as proof also. This shouldn't lower yourself esteem, if anything it should maje you feel even better about yourself. I would look at it that way, that he is so miserable without you he would sink to the level of making up lies just to try and make you niserable right along with him. Kinda like the "I don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you either" game. Don't play it. forget about him and focus on the new guy you are with. Keep on being strong and don't ever feel bad about yourself b/c of what he said he did. That just looks bad on him. A good man would never do the things to you he did so he obviously isn;t up to your standards, he isn't good enough for you. Take care~Heather

[prestwood16]

And, just how he lied about being depressed for so many month, you have to think to yourself how much truth is in these cheating stories? He's mad because you've moved on. I'm sure he met someone after two wks of breaking up, but he always thought you would be there! He's jealous and hurting you is his way of getting back!! He never thought you would pick yourself up and move on without him. He thought you would cry and scream and beg for him to come back, but you didn't you let him go!! And, that killed him and then when he realized you were happy and he wasn't he wanted you to feel miserable. He made his bed, so tell him to lay in it!!!
This is exactly what is happening to my sister. She and her now ex-husband had been married 12 yrs he texts her he's not coming home. Find out he was having an affair for 4 yrs. In NC you have to wait a yr for a divorce but since he is half indian he lied and said he had been living on the tribe and they were divorced in 4 months. (on the tribe you can get in 30 days) and, he remarried the next month. It was whiplash!! But, now that my sister is dating, he can't stand it!! If he has the boys and she tells him, her and jeff are running late and can he keep them just 30 min? he'll reply No our paper say 8:30pm and I'm not keeping them past that. But, if jeff isn't involved honey couldn't flow smoother!!!
As, one of the thread said hate is an emotion and Hate means you still care!! If you didn't care you wouldn't bother the person, hurt the person, you could careless about them. But, a divorce lawyer my mom use to work for always said,"HATE is just another form of LOVE!":loco:

[icnmgrjill]

I hate to say this... but I think we've all gone through what you're going through right now... where every single word has the potential to hurt and cause pain... and where you grieve the time and years that you feel were wasted... and, most importantly, when you "wake up" and realize that you are not being treated as you deserve to be treated.. with honest, kindness, integrity and love.

I had a bad breakup about eight years ago... where I learned that he had lied and deceived me. In my heart, I was so in love that although my brain had given me several warning signals, my heart clung to the idea that he was my one true love and would be "the one." I still remember breaking up on Valentines Day and how I cried and cried for days... those deep sobbing tears that shake your whole body.

But, it's been eight years now... and he's moved on. I moved on too and I realize that it really wasn't meant to be. I really don't like being single... but I'd rather be single than with someone who deceives or harms me.

Nuff said... My big hug to you dear! You will get through this..

Oh... and all the trash talk he's saying... says absolutely nothing about you... and everything about him. He's one messed up dude!

Jill :)