help im tired of my life!!!!!!

[petrie86]

It's been a while since i posted anything. Alot's been going on!!! Well I got in between a fight between my sisters (which is normal bc im the middle child) over something so silly. My older sister chelsea seems to over react alot and the younger sister bekah tends to be nasty and im always the mediator which i hate. anywho.... they get into this arguement and chelsea threatens to take bekah (age 18) off her cell phone plan. now i get involved bc of our family problems and not having parents to help any of us out. So i step in bebause chelsea cancelled bek's phone. bek's 18 and has no credit so she cant get on her own plan. so now im obligated to step in and help her out, i put her on mine. 4 years ago i was kicked out at age 18 and people helped me grow up and get through the hard times, bek is going through the same thing and i love to be the one who helps her. chelsea never will understand that, she went from having mom and dad help her to her husband supporting her in every way imaginable. she was never alone or had no money. chels picked a fight with me about helping bekah and that she has to learn on her own and that she doesnt deserve my help. I found it rude and got a little nasty and told her she has no clue what its like being 18 and helpless and to back off. well she pushed a few sensitive buttons for me and i lost it on her, now bekah and i are no longer speaking to chelsea. And I'm left to be bekah's parent. I'm only 21 years old and can hardly support myself let alone bekah too. Bek works 2 jobs but they wont give her alot of hours, and she's broke. I work full time busting my butt and im so stressed about making ends meet its driving me crazy.
I guess i thought i was over what my parents did to me and my sisters but lately i just cant get over it all. I'm trying to be strong and not think about it all but it just always ends up with me thinking what did i ever do that was so bad that my parents hate me and wont talk to me or my sisters? i'll never understand and i'll never accept it. I'm fine most days but latley with all the bills adding up and being bek's parent and try to hold her head up bc she cant its overwhelming. Please pray for me.... thanks for listening.
oh ya my uncle's wedding is this sat and chelsea and her husband will be there! I'm going to have to bite my lip and tell bekah to do the same. I dont want any more drama, but im sure there will be! iyiyiyiyi i need a vacation!!!

[traceann]

Oh geesh Rachel, sounds like you definitely have your hands full! I so understand where you're coming from - from 18 on it was just me and my mom. My dad passed away when I was 19 a few months after the divorce so it was just her and I. And she was old school - you know, the stay at home mom who didn't handle the bills etc, my dad did all of that. So we really floundered for quite awhile, so many bills, property taxes he let get 3 years behind that we had no idea about etc! It's scary not having a safety net there and those who've always had one find it hard to understand. My DH, bless him, has 2 parents who he always knew if he got into any kind of monetary trouble - they would help, not that he'd ever take it (how's that for a twist? LOL), but still he KNEW they were there etc.

It's hard when you have no one to lean on or turn to to help when things get tight, but I will tell you it's taught me that I can land on my feet. I look back now and just marvel at what I dealt with and went through and it's made me appreciate everything I have and I think I am a better person for having dealt with it all. It gives you more compassion towards others and helps you to be able to understand other people's trials and tribulations as well. As it stands, I've always pretty much been the parent to my parent, lol. So many times when DH has annoyed me I'd love to be able to say that old line "I'm going to my Mother's!" Well, no can do, she lives with ME, lol!!

Do keep your chin up and good idea on turning the other cheek at the wedding, it's the couple's day and sounds like you don't want anything to ruin it for them - good for you!!!!

Sending lots of hugs!

[waterflow]

You know it took guts to do what you did. Some sisters or brothers would have left her out in the cold high and dry. It doesn't make much sense how some of the relatives want to be the boss of the others and if they help them out in any way they think they own them after that. Since she is still only 18 are there any programs that would help out? How about welfare? I know they don't give much for just one person but maybe they would help with utilities as well? I don't know your whole situation so not really sure what to say. Good luck with biting your lip this weekend. Won't be easy but probably better that way. Also, I have found if I could bite my lip with my family it would drive them up the wall. :grouphug:

[petrie86]

thanks tracey and mary!!! I have to agree that I can look back on everything i've been through and be proud of how got back on my own feet. It's made me a very independent person, one who hates to ask for help when i need it. I've become quite stubborn i guess lol only b/c i've been burned with my ex bf. who was happy to help me at the time when i needed it but then held it over my head like a ton of bricks. so not fair, my older sister is the same way...happy to help out but then holds it against you and expects everything in return. Terrible!!!! I'm just happy to help and the gratification is watching them get back on their feet.
The bad thing is, the new guy im seeing and beka's new bf is coming as our dates to this wedding. So I dont want any drama especially infront of my new guy. Although i have pre-warned him about this whole fight and hoped that nothing will happen.
Thanks for all the support and advice.

Rach

[traceann]

Oh Rachel I am the same way!! Hubby is always on me about when I need help ASK for it! But I won't I am pretty stubborn, and well, just not used to having help if I need it, lol. It becomes a way a life I suppose! I have stressed myself out to no end needlessly though by not asking when appropriate, ugh, not smart - but like I said, probably because I don't think about it, I've never had a safety net before!!!

Good plan on filling the new guy in on the potential fireworks, lol. At least then he won't feel ambushed if it all goes south, lol.

I had to giggle about the holding it against you - this isn't the same thing, but reminded me of that sort of situation. I can remember being with my first fiance way back when and making comment that he never bought me flowers etc. Ok, he did buy them for me when we first started dating like 6 years ago, lol - he had the nerve to say "I've bought you flowers!" Well, yeah pal, but buying them 6 years ago doesn't mean you're covered for the next 10 years!!!" LOL

Do keep us posted on how the wedding goes - I so hope you have a great time!!!!

[Berkshire Road]

Rachel, I just want to say that I really admire you as a woman and I have for as long as I've been reading your posts. And that's coming from a woman in her 40's! Sometimes you walk through life and you really don't see or know the effects that you're having on the people around you. So I want to tell you something. This has been a time for me when I've had to do a lot of re-thinking and re-evaluating in my own life, and reading your posts has been one of the things that has helped me to keep things in perspective. You just happened to cross my path, and by doing that, you've helped me to see what I needed to see in order to start building a better life.

For your kindness to your sister and other people in your life, I praise you. For your inner strength and resourcefulness, I admire you. And for your willingness to share your story with us, I thank you.

[petrie86]

Carolyn, your post made me cry. well tears of joy... like you said you go on living your life and never know how much you touch people. Although I always feel that no matter what I do or what i've gone through, its never enough. People tell me all the time that I amaze them and commend me for it. I laugh and shrug it off bc I cant accept what i've been through. I dont feel like a strong person at all!!!! just trying to keep my chin up and keep truckin along. lol that's all we can do right? I'm here if ya ever want to talk.
Tracy, I love the flower thing. Men... just bc they buy ya flowers once they think they're in the clear hahaha i love it!
i might have picked a minor argument with my new guy yesterday after work. well he made a joke about the wedding and me being the emotional mess that i am and pmsing send me into raving b**** mode. I fully apologized after it, well he gave me my amo i needed to run my little heart out. what a good workout i had yesterday!!!! lol
Now I'm running on uh 3 hrs of sleep bc I woke up with the burning sensation and peeing every 2 mins. I pretty much slept on the toilet. It's been a while since i've done that. Im not sure if it's a uti or a flare from all the stress and psming. iyiyiyiyi the pain meds finally kicked in so i'm work, ready to pass out. Gunna be a looooooooonnnnnnnnngggggg day. God help me! lol
thanks again for all your love and support. I will let ya know how the wedding goes. I lectured bekah last night about keeping her big trap shut at the wedding. she's like well i'll try but if chelsea says something to me its on! (she thinks she's a tough cookie, not so much) I said well then i'll step in and say its not the proper time and place for a fight. Let it go. good huh?

[Berkshire Road]

Very good.

[traceann]

Very good.

;) ditto what she said!!! :)