Just needed to vent....

[Tinkerbell23]

Ok, i just needed somewhere it let this all out...

I went out with my friends to celebrate my 25th b-day. I was talking to one about how she ordered her wedding dress too early (we'll call her J) and she didnt know what to do. so we were talking about how hard it is for her lose weight and i expressed how stressed i was because i had already gained 15lbs and i'm in her wedding and another wedding (my other friend who was standing near by) and i have my wedding, all a year apart luckily. (2008, 2009, 2010) so my other friend standing near by (call her D) was like "i didnt want to say anything, but you gained a ton of weight and you;ll have to pay to fix the dress" i was so upset, but my other friend was like "please we all gain and lose weight around weddings and we have an extra $75 on the dress to work w/ for that reason". so i let it go...then later on i was talking to "D" about how john (my fiance) and i were trying to figure out what happens if my IC gets worse and i cant work anymore. so D says oh yeah we're going through the same thing because i dont want to work once we are married, i want to focus on my PHD. i smiled and listened. my friend is just that type of person and always will be.

my real reason for all this typing is because of the weight gain. i'm 5'3" and 130lbs. I was 105lbs and then took the lupron injections for endo which put me at 115lbs then i went off those and on birthcontrol which put me at 120. then i started the lyrica for pain for the IC and i jumped to 130. now i am sure people are reading this saying i have no business complaining. i know that at 130 and 5'3" i look ok. but my clothes dont fit and i battled an eating disorder (anorexia for 7 years and bulimia for 3) for a good part of my life. and i blame that for my IC all the abusing of my body and diet pills. anyway, in a way IC saved my life. Ic beat the eating disorder because it made me realize how much i needed to take care of my body. and most of my meds require me to eat w/ them. but everyday is a mental battle and even though most people tell me i look great, and that i was too thin, mentally i dont feel it. and i have the IC belly and i will run into people who i havent seen and they of course will say "ur pregnant? congrats" and i say no just fat. (that kills me because i may not be able to have kids) my fiance was slightly over weight and he lost a lot and now he is careful about what he eats and i feel gross about how i eat and how often i want to. (the lyrica increases hunger and if i stay hungry i get IC flare ups) and the way he eats will irritate my bladder and i just feel uncomfortable in my own body all the time.

but my question to myself is why cant i just be happy with myself? and my weight? i used to see a therapist for all this, but i dont have the time, money or energy anymore.

I am sorry for all this and i have to stop typing because i am getting upset and crying will cause i flare up....ah the never ending ic cycle :loco:

thanks for listening... :pray:

[SharonA]

(((Hugs)))

[Claredale]

The weight issue is so common for women. I think I felt just like you until hit my 40s. Yes, I still have days that I want to be thin again. I haven't gained a whole lot of weight or anything, but it just "sits" differently on my body these days!

I wish there was a magic answer that would work for us all. For me, I have just learned to eat in moderation as much as possible, but if there is a day I want to eat more than I should, I do and don't feel guilty about it. I try to stay as active and happy as I can. I have also learned to not listen to people that say hurtful things, because most of the time, they truly don't realize they are saying things to hurt you on purpose. We all have different mental blocks that some make us not say things we shouldn't, but there are plenty of us that don't have those "blocks" in place. I have a very dear friend that I think the world of, but she says things sometimes when I know she didn't think about what she was saying because I know she didn't intend to hurt anyone's feelings.

My mom is a petite person and she works at it to almost obsessive about it. I know that it comes from things my father used to say to her when they were married when I was a kid. Sometimes she will make comments that I need to watch my weight for the sake of my husband. That used to really bother me until one day I truly thought about what she used to go through when she just put butter on her baked potato. My dad would say something ugly like that will show up on your behind (nicely termed) later on! He definitely didn't have the mental blocks he should have had!

Hugs, T83

[katjonez]

I know just how you feel. When I first got sick I gained 40 lbs because I could not exercise anymore. I was not dx for 6 almost 7 years !! so I ate the way I did when I was more active. Then I was dx and told about the diet. Well I just happen to be one of the people that is very sensitive to most foods. Almost anything (even oatmeal) causes pain and discomfort right away. So needless to say I ended up loosing 40 lbs over the first year. I have found more foods that I can tolerate but my diet is still VERY LIMITED. I was 5'8 and 135 lbs. Now I have lost 1 and 1/2 inches !!!! ( waiting for results on bone scan ) and I still bounce between 130 and 140.
I think the other post was right. I did not feel very good about my body until I was in my 40's.
Try looking in the mirror every day and tell yourself
"I am beautiful !! My body is beautiful and I am very lucky to have this home for my soul to dwell. "
GOOD LUCK !! and remember , try to be at least as good to yourself as you are to other people. YOU DESERVE THE BEST !!!

[Tinkerbell23]

:grouphug: Thanks everyone, soooo much!

[bigred]

I am going to give you the advice I tell myself. It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside it is what is inside that matters. I am in more of a weight problem than you are. I am going to be homest. I am about 5'6" and right now I weigh 247. Now this is good for me since I weight about 280 in the middle of Jan. Try to get exercise I know that that is hard for us IC people. I do belong to a Gym. The other problem I fight with is cancer meds. that cause weight gain and dyastolic dysfunction which causes my heart to race. But this isn't about me. Just due your best to exercise and keep your body as healthy as possible. I hope your friends will be more loving. Have a happy birthdayl.

[Tinkerbell23]

thanks for the advice. i to belong to a gym, but i have yet to go. i do stretching exercises. i take my dog for walks. its hard though, its always painful. i used to run, play volleyball, swim. now i cant even go in the pool because the water bothers my bladder. my dr put me on lyrica hoping it would give me the energy needed to work out pain free. it lasts for about 6 hours, which gets me through my work day. i take it once a day and will eventually take it 3 times a day in hopes it will last 18 hours, but i am paying out of pocket for now so i have to wait for the insurance to cover it. but i swear the lyrica is the problem, but my dr says the weight gain is not enough of a reason to stop taking it. but even with all the working out in the world, i'll still have an IC belly. i feel like i look like i've had kids already. blah...thanks for the help and for letting me vent....

[bigred]

anytime thats what were all here for is to help eachother

[packardaMSU]

Hey ~

I also have battled eating disorders and I often wonder if my IC is somehow linked to my bulimia or other bad habits. Maybe you should consider seeing a counselor about your issues. I have found with body image problems that you cannot do it by yourself no matter how hard you wanna try. I hope things get better!

April

[packardaMSU]

sorry i see you said that! try a body image messaging board or something free

[Tinkerbell23]

thanks. I do believe that the eating disorders has something to do w/ the ic, for me atleast. my drs dont think so. i think it had a lot to do w/ the tons of caffine in diet pills and i always took way too many. Anyway thanks again, i will look into body image message boards, that was a great idea! Thanks... :)

[BAM23]

Jenn,

I also know how you feel...IC sucks, and I am in the same boat as you. 24 and taking too many meds. I hope you are feeling better today though! Just remember it gets better....that is what keeps me going when I have those bad days. :hi:

P.S. I tried to add you but I don't know your last name or email

[leelee88]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. But I do understand. I gained weight with Elavil. I had worked so hard to loose weight before IC and gained it all back and then some. But you know something. Like someone else mentioned its not whats on the outside but whats on the inside. And also you have to come to an understanding with yourself and learn to love your body no matter what it looks like. And from your pictures hun you are very beautiful!! (((hugs)))

[Berkshire Road]

Why can't you just be happy with yourself and your weight? Um, because you're a woman living in the U.S.? I haven't met one yet who really is. Those that claim to be, are generally very smug; that's also not a healthy relationship with your body type. Having a genetically ectomorphic body type does not make you a morally superior person.

Your weight is not a representation of your worth as a human being. I truly find this preoccupation with weight to be one of the most disturbing things about American culture. And even more disturbing, it's starting to insinuate itself into my consciousness too! I understand that excess weight can lead to health problems, and for this reason I try to do what I can to get rid of the medication-induced weight gain I'm fighting. But I find myself fretting over what people will think about my looks, and then I just want to slap myself.

You look lovely and slim in your photos. If your weight continues to increase, then you might need to discuss medication changes with your doctor, for your health. For example, neurontin was a killer for me, but when my doctor added a small amount of topomax, I stopped gaining and eventually was able to lose about half of what I'd gained. But that was because I had begun exhibiting high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol. You are nowhere near that point.

I'm sorry I don't know much about eating disorders (they're a lot less common in France), so if anything I've said is insensitive due to that issue, I apologize. I just wish you could see how lovely you are, and be happy.

[Tinkerbell23]

Thanks again everyone. I went to the dr, my pcp, who is a very attractive 27yr old and he weighed me, knowing about my concern and i havent gained any weight in 2 weeks. but i also lowered the lyrica dose. so maybe that helps, i dont know. he said that i shouldnt be worried about it unless he is. so i will leave it as is and try to not worry so much. Nothing that anyone said was insensitive, everything was very encouraging, thanks so much...

:hi:

(ps: yes, i seem to be having a better day )