Questions about getting engaged

[Ashley911]

I have been with my boyfriend since I was 14 years old. ( Going on 9yrs) I am now 22. :woohoo: Anyway so I live in new york and I feel the trend here is people getting engaged much older (like their thirties), but since i have been with my bf for so long I feel like we are way more advanced in our relationship than all of my friends. We have a very unique situation. When i was younger I always thought id be a working girl and focus on that and get married later in life and now i feel like my views have changed. I think I am ready, I feel ready, I have a great job and so does he and it just started to feel like the right time. BUT i must mention that we do get a lot of pressure put on us by his side of the family. His parents have been together since they were in highschool also and got married at 20. So im not exactly sure if this is me being ready or me getting influenced by others. My friends would think im totally ridiculous if i was to get married so young and all of my aunts on my side always say " you have your whole life to be married " SO I AM SOOOOO CONFUSED!! lol


I dont know if I am too young to be thinking about this. Im scared to rush into anything. Im scared that im going to regret it if all of my friends are out partying and enjoying the single life and im home as a married woman but I basically act like one now anyway. Will they treat me differently if im married?

Does anyone have any advice on getting engaged young? What age did you get engaged? Should i just wait? Does marriage make things more difficult in life. It sounds that way from all of the married people i have spoken to. AAA I dont know! All i know is that i love him more than anything and am sure that he is the only one for me everything else just seems like a shot in the dark.

Any help at all would be so appreciated! :bow:

Ash

[petrie86]

Hi Ashley,

I know exactly what your talking about. I think that when your ready and YOU'LL KNOW what you exactly want. If your living together and have been together for so long it's really up to you what you want. If you feel your already married like I do, lol then I honestly dont see the point of getting married. I'm 21 and am practically married and dont see the point in getting married and putting the title on us. We're so young, like your family says you have your whole life ahead of you to get married. Waiting a few more years wont hurt you will it? Has your bf proposed to you yet? I'm not saying you should or shouldn't... that's up to you. I just think now a days, people are getting married when they're older. I personally think it'd be better to wait. That's just my view... but if you love him and yor truely married and thing he'd the only one u want to be with then great i'd say go for it! Marriage is not something to be taken lightly. I hope you give yourself time to really think about what you want to do. Sending hugs

Rachel

[Ashley911]

Thanks Rachel!!

I dont live with him. I dont want to until I am married since we have been together for so long I want something new and exciting to look fwd to. He has his own place that i sleep at a lot anyway but i just feel like i need something ya know? Anyway...maybe its just the fact that I HATE LIVING AT HOME lol i want to move out and if thats the reason that I am thinking about this so much then i definitely should not be getting engaged. lol He didnt propose yet, we have talked about the possibility though and I keep finding myself dreaming about it. Your totally right though if we are basically married already then why rush anything? I dont know Im obviously all over the place!! I just cant wait for us to start that part of our lives. Getting our 1st place together and being part of eachothers families officially. Also im OBVIOUSLY looking foward to the big party in my honor LOLOL! I guess waiting a while and really thinking about it is the best thing to do.

Thanks so much for your support!
Ash

[TashaSR]

Hey there, I got enganged two months after my 22nd b-day. And we were married six months later. Now we did things a little backwards lol We had a baby a few months after I turned 21 and had only been together a few months when I got pregnant but we knew it was all meant to be, the unplanned little angle that was given to us and that we were soul mates. We knew while I was pregnant that we wanted to get married but we didn't want a shot gun wedding and we wanted our day to be special and my dream wedding and when it happend it was all I hda hoped planned and wished. Our son was 11 months old when my hubby popped the question. It was halloween night on my grandmother's pourch just after our son had fallen asleep. And about 10 minutes later the date was picked April 15th. So, we are comming up on our second wedding anniversary and life couldnt be better(other than being sick all the time) Now, I am not saying things are perfect and that married life is a walk in the park, its not, you have to work at it and learn to compramise alot to always communicate no matter what. I know I got married young but I wouldnt change it for the world. We have a good marriage, we are very much in love, and we have a good life together. I am lucky enough to be a stay at home mom and my hubby has a great job that supports the three of us. Right now we are renting our home as our condo is being built and will be ready this summer and as soon as my health gets a little better we plan to have another baby. I just want to say please dont let anyone but you decide your future, its yours and your biyfriend's and only the two of you can and should decide if its that time or not. It's your life, always remember that, no matter what. If you need to talk please just write back or if you have any questions dont hesitate to ask. I wish you and your boyfriend all the best in the future that you decide on.

[Want2BPainFree]

Boy, oh boy, that is a tough question to answer, being that I am a complete stranger, however, I feel compelled to give you my take on it since you are asking.

1) if you've been with him since you were 14, I take it you've not ever dated anyone else????

2) if that is the case, how do you know he's the right one for you?

3) 20 is awfully young to commit yourself to one man for the rest of your life

4) 20 is usually too young for someone to truly know who they are, what they want, and which direction they are going to go in

Not knowing the particulars of whether or not you live together, share bills, bank accounts, etc., I can't really say wait or get married now, but I married at 20 years old and regret it to this day. It ended in divorce. Now, granted, I had not known my fiance for 9 years either, but I was young, and despite thinking I knew everything, I was very naive. I felt no pressure to get married, I just did. The reasons that my first marriage ended are numerous, but the the deepest reason of all is that I wasn't ready.

[Ashley911]

Thanks guys! I really appreciate the advice!

[GriffsMommy]

I didn't get engaged quite as young as you are now. We did things a little backwards but I think it's more common now a days. We got engaged when I was 24, we bought our house and then got married when I was 25.

I would say that someone who is 18 is too young to get engaged and married but I don't feel 22 is. And the other thing you have to think about is getting engaged does not mean that you're going to get married right away. Some people have a long engagement for different reasons, like to plan the wedding or because they want to have the commiment their but want to wait some time until the actual wedding.

You mentioned living at home. If you have a great job have you thought about getting your own place for awhile so that you get that independence that it seems like you are longing for. I must say I never lived alone. I went from living in college dorms to having two apartments in two years with two different roommates and then I met my husband and we lived in an apartment for a year before we bought our house and got married.

I feel like it doesn't matter what anybody else feels or says, if you feel like it's the right time to get engaged then you should go with your heart and like I said, getting engaged doesn't mean you're getting married next month.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide.

[SandyRN]

Thanks Rachel!!

I dont live with him. I dont want to until I am married since we have been together for so long I want something new and exciting to look fwd to. He has his own place that i sleep at a lot anyway but i just feel like i need something ya know? Anyway...maybe its just the fact that I HATE LIVING AT HOME lol i want to move out and if thats the reason that I am thinking about this so much then i definitely should not be getting engaged. lol He didnt propose yet, we have talked about the possibility though and I keep finding myself dreaming about it. Your totally right though if we are basically married already then why rush anything? I dont know Im obviously all over the place!! I just cant wait for us to start that part of our lives. Getting our 1st place together and being part of eachothers families officially. Also im OBVIOUSLY looking foward to the big party in my honor LOLOL! I guess waiting a while and really thinking about it is the best thing to do.

Thanks so much for your support!
Ash


Stop right there...when you said, maybe it's the fact that you hate living at home I had to write you!!!! I got married at 20 because of that very fact. I HATED living with my mom and dad at that age and I hated their rules. I did in fact get married so that I could have my own place and live on my own and figured that my bf and I knew each other well enough it would work. NEVER, EVER get married for any other reason other than you truly want to spend THE REST OF YOUR LIFE with this person. NEVER get married to get out of your parent's house!!! That can't even be PART of the reason. The only reason to get married is that you are sure you are ready and you do not sound SURE to me. You wouldn't be asking us if you were....you would just know.

BTW, my first marriage ended in divorce because we just were not ready.

Think about this long and hard before you make a hasty decision.

Sandy

[ICNJess]

I'm not going to chime in with a "you're too young" type of reply because I myself was 20 when I got married. My (now ex) husband and I were high school sweethearts and were together for 8 1/2 years until our marriage dissolved.

I will say this...if you truly love him and are truly devoted to the idea of making a life together, then ignore what your friends might say and ignore any of the pressures from anyone else and do what is in your heart. Ultimately it is a decision between you and your boyfriend. If this is the man you want to build a life with, then you should do that.

But be 100% sure that this is the man you want. I entered my marriage almost kicking and screaming (that should have been a sign!) and figured it was wedding jitters...but deep down in my gut I knew that I did not love this man the way a wife should love her husband and though I did love him, I married him more out of comfort and habit than true love.

We'd been together so long that I was afraid of putting myself out there, after listening to all of the horror stories my single friends had. I told myself, "Well, we've been together this long and I do love him, why not?" It was really stupid for me and I can finally admit it now, but when our marriage fell apart I was more upset at the things that caused it to break, more than the thought of not having him in my life.

Anyway, go with your gut on this one and do what you feel is best. Trust me, never ignore your gut!

[Claredale]

Good point Sandy. I always say, no matter what, marry your best friend only because that is what you want to do. There are other ways to get out of situations that you can't live in.

I got married quite young. I was barely 18, but in many ways I was older since I had taken care of my brother for many years. I and pretty much just dated my hubby. I dated one other guy when I first met my husband, but I went right back to what I knew was right. Before I was 16, I was only allowed to go out on group dates which I actually abided to. I know and I have heard so many times...so young and too young, how do you know what is right. I knew because we were in love and knew it from the start. Even though we had some tough times with hubby working full-time and finishing his degree and me working and having my kids young, we grew stronger because of it and have alot to be proud of! Now we are in our mid 40s and are empty nesters. We have a couple best friend "couples" in the same boat we are and we all love it and can now spend time together and actually not worry about kids, babysitters, and we gotta get home (well we gotta get home due to the dogs!). Our kids grew up together and are friends as well. We used to have arranged marriages between them, but that didn't seem to work out, but I have to say they are all truly good kids that we are proud of. Don't know how we did it except being there for each other and praying for each other through everything.

I married my best friend and we love each other very much. Out of my friends that married their high school sweetheart, only one couple has gotten divorced. During my last class reunion, it was so special to count how many couples had been married just 1 time and to someone they went to school with or knew as a teenager. My husband and I got the longest married award. There were 2 other couples that were married before us, but they didn't come to the reunion. I grew up in the largest city in our state, so it's not like we just had one or two highschools to choose from. We also have quite a few that waited longer and are still waiting.....

Our senior class president waited until after her husband graduated from college, he was a year behind her in high school. By our 10th reunion they had 3 kids, by our 20th, they had 9. Now they are about to have their 12th. She married a pediatrician and obviously loves kids.
Tracey

[Ashley911]

Thanks so much for your advice Sandy. I know how it sounds. I do know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him but yes i think your right getting engaged with the thought about getting out of my house is not a good thing. But i just wanted to explain why i want to get out of my house, its not my parents rules, i have none, i am treated like any adult and I basically live with Danny now anyway, i just hate living out of bags!! lol We already share our financial responsibilities and have been budgeting together. I cook dinner for him every night at his place etc. and I just feel married. I know its a huge committment but i feel that ive already made that committment since I would never be with anyone else, but in that same statement I could say why rush if I have all the perks now and I could save more money living at home and spend time making sure its 100% right. I really appreciate your insight, thank you

Jess and Tracey: your advice makes me feel better. I really have no doubt at all that i want to be with Danny forever. I have been through so much with him in our 8yrs together and we are closer than ever before. His family is my family and vice versa. We are both very responsible people. Tracey I have a brother and sister who I cared for for years since my mom and dad got divorced and my mom needed to work full time. My gut says go for it but Im in no rush, I know i will be married young regardless of if i wait a little while or not so im just going to have to ignore those who dont agree. Im going to give myself some time, today was just one of those days I thought alright already lets do this thing!! lol But we definetely do not want to rush into things. I want to make sure everything is right, thats my personality..im a huge planner/ control freak lol thats why i needed the advice in the 1st place..i really value your help. thanks so much!

[hdb1982]

My husband and I got engaged June 20,2001 a few weeks after my high school graduation.He was a few years ahead of me in school, he graduated in 1998. I have been with him since I was 15 so we had been together almost 4 years. We had a daughter in 2003 and didn't get married until May 20, 2006, I was 23, so we had an almost 5 year engagement. We had lived together since Katie was born but I practically lived at him moms before then. I knoew from the time I was 15 that there was no other person in the world for me. At first I wanted the big huge wedding and this and that but after having a child and living like we were married all of the glitz wasn't important to me. I had a beautiful wedding at Coopers Rock State Forest on the overlook, where he proposed to me. Only our immediate family was there and we left from there straight to our honeymoon. I wouldn't change anything about it. It was official and everyone that we love was there. I probaby would have got married at the courthouse if it weren't fot the fact I wanted my dad to have the honor of walking me down the aisle. My point is you and your bf need to do what you feel is right. No one can decide that for you.If you both are as commited as you say you are then you will never know until you try. I think being married young has advantages, if done for the right reason. I will only be 39 when Jatie graduates High School, I have/had before ic enough energy to keep up with her. I like being the "hip" mom wearing all of the fashionable clothes, hey I am still a young 25. I also feel that when she is older I will relate better to her b/c there won't be a 4o year gap between us. But waiting also has advantages, you can have your careers already and possibly a home and a concrete foundation. You said yo guys have talked about it here and there. Maybe youshould sit and talk with him about it. Maybe you could try a longer engagement, don't set a date. I think it is important to live together before marriage but that is just my opinion. I know you stay there a lot but living together is a whole different ball game. My bf and her husband didn't and it caused a lot of problems for them. She is a neat freak him a slob, she is an early riser he is a night owl etc. They are still married but they fight a good bit. She is OCD about cleanliness and she has a stroke over things not being in place and she spazes. So you can imagin the friction b/c he is a mommas boy who didn't even know how to was dishes, run the washer or even pick up his laundry and dishes. His mom did everything for him.But wanting to save something to be new for marriage is awesome. good luck with whatever you decided.

[packardaMSU]

Keep in mind that it's not only how long you've been together - it's the stages of life that you will go through that may change who you are and what you're goals are. Things such as graduating from college or getting your first professional job - I'm not sure what you're plans are but keep in mind things can change very fast and there's no hard in waiting.

[kuntrygurl78]

I think you have been given great advice on just about everything. I just wanted to jump in and talk about one point.

You said something about your friends going out and you staying home being married lady. It doesnt have to be that way. My husband and I have been together for five years, lived together for four years, and been married since September.

We have "us" friends and we each have our own friends. There are many times when my friends will call up and want me to go out on a spur of the moment...just happend Monday night :) I just called my husband to make sure we didnt have any plans that I had forgotten about. He said no, so I told him I was gonna meet up with my friend. His friends like to gather at one house a few times a year, stay the night, and play computer games all night long. I have NO desire to join in that. :lmao:


Just because you are married doesnt mean you are stuck at home all the time. My mom and aunt both told me that its important to have my own friends, and that I take time to spend with them. My friends are family to me, so I do make sure to spend time with them. Just talk openly with your boyfriend. You dont have to be the married lady who is stuck at home all the time unless you chose to.:smile tee

[lnseagraves]

Hey,

I'm 25 and i've been very happily married for 2.5 years. My wedding was a month and a half before my 22nd birthday, so according to your definition I was pretty young when my hubby and I married.

Like you, I had numerous aunts, cousins and acquaintances complain that I was "too young" and I should experience more of life before I settled down. My hubby and I could not disagree more. (interestingly, the friends and family that knew us best knew we were both ready and fully supported us). My hubby and I both knew we were right for each other, we were not living together and we didn't want to co-habitate until we were married. Additionally, we wanted to have a long married life together before having children. We didn't feel that there was any reason to delay since we knew we were right for each other. We wanted to make our commitment official, and do so in front of our loved ones.

With that said, I did notice a few differences between my situation and yours. For one, I'd been living as an adult since I was a sophmore in high school (I was in boarding school before university). So, by the time I was 22, I was to the point where I wanted to start my OWN family... to me that meant my hubby so I was ready to marry. Also, I had dated quite a bit before finding him, as did he. So, when we met we knew pretty early on that we were a REALLY good match.

I do have a few arguments for considering an earlier date. For one, (as I mentioned earlier) We are not interested in having kids for another 5 years at least. We wanted a good long time to enjoy ourselves alone. Furthermore, I have heard many people argue that "we are practically married anyway." I cannot stress enough how different actual marriage is to "practically married". Something does change in your relationship when youre married, it is a very hard to explain, intangible difference, but it is there. It is a good change, but it is an adjustment. I cannot stress to you how many of my 30 something friends regret not marrying their long-term beau sooner because even after years of being together, marriage was still an adjustment. Then, due to their age, they were pressured to immediately have kids. I did not want to do those two-HUGE- adjustments at around the same time...

Finally, I do think the concept that 22 is too young is a very regional concept. Those of us on the East Coast seem to think that anyone under 30 is too young... (maybe too many Sex in the City episodes??) Whereas just about ALL of my friends from the midwestern town I grew up in got married between 20 and 24... Those friends who did not have an engagement by then felt like old maids...

So finally, remember, there is NO FAST AND UNIVERSAL RULE FOR EVERYONE when it comes to marriage. Every relationship is different, every situation is different... only you and your man know your maturity and whether or not you are now ready or you still need to wait...

Good luck!

[IC SARAH-CPP]

Jessica's answer could have been mine straight up. I knew on my wedding day that I shouldn't be getting married but I did it anyway. I know it sounds crazy but no one will know what that is like until they actually go through it. I got engaged at 21, married at 22 and divorced at 27, which is right now. We were together 9 years but that doesn't mean a lot to me, the time factor.

There are several things in your posts that cause me to give pause. First of all is the saying you want out of your parents house because you hate living with them. Obviously you know that it isn't a reason to get married. Living with any man is not easy either, lol! :)

Secondly the time issue about being together for so long is one thing that makes me worry. A relationship goes through many changes, just as a person does. You have no idea how much you will change just from 22 to 30. Just think of how you were at 14 and how different you are now?? Your whole person seems to change in your 20's and I have heard this from so many people. I know I am totally different person at 27 than I was at 21 or 22, and I owned a house and lived with my boyfriend!

If you truly love this man, then why the rush? If you are meant to stay together, you will. It is a LOT harder to dissolve a marriage than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Only you and your bf know the answer, I am just giving you my experience!

Sarah

[IC SARAH-CPP]

Oh BTW- I HATED it when people said "oh you are too young to get married" I wanted to claw their eyes out, lol! I reread my post and realized it sounded a little cynical but hey, I am going through a divorce right this second, so give me some slack.

I think that if I married the right person, it would have been fine getting married young. It is just hard to find that person b/c you dont really know who you are yet, if that makes sense.

Sarah

[Ashley911]

Thank you so much everyone for your honest and caring responses. I value each and everyone of them so much. Im really glad I put up this thread bc I feel that I have a lot of insight into different experiences and a ton of awesome advice. You all are so great to take the time out of your day to help me out! Thank you again.

What I take from this is that only I will be able to know if its right. No one here could truly understand mine and Dannys relationship through a few posts but the advice was amazing non the less. I realized that I am in no rush at all, and have put it in the hands of my boyfriend. Let him worry about it. lol With that said Im sure an engagement wont happen for at least another year and a wedding no sooner than a year after that. So i have time!! :) Thank you all again!

ps click on the link and check out our picture so you can see the couple you all were helping so much ;)

[Arabelle Amara]

I'm a bit late in response but.... I just caught this message.
I'd like to add that, often, we may feel as an individual we are ready, but this doesn't always mean the other person we're marrying is completely ready. It may even be the case that both people aren't really ready. Getting married when not ready can lead to bitter feelings on both sides later down the line. Even if we, as an individual, feel that we're ready, it's still a good bet to wait because how can we be absolutely certain of another person's feelings? (Stereotypically, it's said guys mature slower than girls... whether or not this is 100% true... I don't know, but it's something to keep in mind).
I felt I was ready for marriage. I was also a hopeless romantic. I met the perfect guy (so I thought), and we had a great relationship together for a number of years. We met when I was 17. Four years went by and we got married. Before we got married, some things were already going downhill. He reassured me it was because of our distance (we were carrying on a long distance relationship). I didn't believe that was the full problem, but I took a big chance and made the mistake of getting married with some uncertainties. For a long time... we had great communication skills. I believed as we matured, we'd only improve on our relationship. I didn't think we'd deteriorate so fast. I moved to another continent to be with him. I was 21 years old. I'm 27 years old now and for the past year, I've been trying to get a divorce.
I'm not sure if anyone could have convinced me that this could have happened a few years ago. I was naive. So with that all said and done... make sure when it's time to get ready, that both sides have looked at the full big picture and are really ready to make that choice. How you feel one day, may not be how you feel 4-5 years down the road. People change... sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse.
Good luck!

[crkshnks79]

Ok you got alot of responses so Im not sure mine will help but Ill throw it out there lol Im 28 and just got engaged . Do I think your too young to get engaged , no , because you can also have a long engagement theres no harm in that . I understand why you want to wait to move in w him , so that you have something to look forward too BUT and this is just my experience , YOU DO NOT TRULY KNOW A PERSON UNTIL YOU LIVED W THEM . Thats not me saying dont do what you want to and wait , but many people think they know each other and then they really find out how compatible they really are after the fact . I moved in w my now fiancee so yes it did work out in the long run , but those first couple months we lived together , I wanted to kill him lol We fought like crazy ( granted we are both really stubborn and we were 5 yrs younger then we are now ) that first year I honestly didnt think that we would make it . I think what eventually happened was we really needed to except all the good and bad that we both had to offer and seriously learn how to comprimise . SOmeone said marriage is alot of work wasnt kidding and neither is living w someone . With all that being said you have known each other for a long time and obviously share a very good bond w each other which goes along way !!!! If you know this is the man you want for the rest of your life , then it shouldnt matter what your friends think and honestly if your friends cant understand that or if they treat you differently if you got married young then maybe they have some growing up to do ( Im sorry if that offended you !! Im not trying to talk bad about your friends , but people who truly care about you , will support you regardless of what you choose , trust me I only learned that one w age and bad experiences w friends) also ( like Kuntrygirl said) just because your married doesnt mean you cant go out w the girls and have fun !!! you would be married , not dead lol I have my friend time and he has his . Plus you guys can always go out together !!( trust me do alot of socializing prior to having kids , it can be real hard to get a trustworthy babysitter whose willing to do weekends !!) Whatever you choose make sure ITS WHAT YOU WANT not someone else's influence , not even your BF . Good luck with whatever you do :)

[Tinkerbell23]

i got engaged in oct i'm 25 yrs old and we've been together for 3 yrs. you do it when you are ready, cant put age/time on it. i got the "adult" phobia right after and it took a few months to get over it, but all my friends said they went through it too. i'm getting married in 2010 because i need time to finish my masters. but good luck, i have learned to ignore all the advice though... take care...

[NewLife]

I'd say you need to live on your own for a couple of years and see if you still want to get married after that. I married my husband at 21 (he had just turned 24), but before I met him, I had been living on my own for years and had dated a lot, too. We've been married for 4 years, and it's a very happy marriage. We accomplished a lot together. Yes, we are very different people now. When I met him, I was very goal-oriented and he was laid back; now he absorbed a lot of my traits and I absorbed a lot of his. I think we are both better people now, thanks to each other. Getting married was a good step.

There is no pressure as far as having a social life. You can be married and still have fun. Also, there is no pressure to have kids right away. We are not planning on kids until I am 30. We'd wait longer but I don't anticipate an easy pregnancy because of my IC and realize that I may have female problems down the road that may not make it possible for me to get pregnant in my late 30s.

Whatever you do, don't get married to move out of your parents' house! Living with a man can be more challenging than living with your family (but more fun, too).