So down, so depressed

[IC SARAH-CPP]

Hi all,

Well I am just fighting to keep this intense depression at bay and I don't think I am doing too well. I am just so down with how my life is going and how it turned out.

I have such severe anxiety. Sometimes it turns in to these intense panic attacks where I can't breathe, or I feel like i can't breathe actually. It makes it so I really have a hard time sleeping because my mind is just going a million miles a minute and I am so scared and worried. I try to do my breathing techniques and calm myself down but it doesn't always work.

I absolutely despise feeling helpless about myself. I have always been so strong and independent and I feel so knocked down now. I want to pick myself up and force myself to snap out of this but I have my moments where it just feels impossible.

I cant watch movies because every movie I usually watch just seems to make me feel so sad or it is a love story and I don't even want to go there. Listening to my IPOD makes me sad b/c all the music on there reminds me of something or other. I can barely concentrate on reading which was always my main source of escape and the ONE thing I could do to distract myself and get away. That really isn't working anymore.

I love my mom and my stepdad and they are being so wonderful to me but it is so hard to go back to living with someone else, even if they are my parents. I am so used to having my OWN house, my own space and time and it is so hard for me to have someone around me all the time and in my space. I just want to be alone sometimes and I dont want to talk about things all the time and I cant seem to get away from them in that way.

I know that the only way for things to get better is to look ahead and not give up. I know I need to make some changes and try to pick up the pieces but it is so very hard sometimes. I have my moments where I just break down in these hysterical cries and hate myself for it.

Thank you for listening. I am just sooooo down right now. So very very down.

Sarah

[mlzippy7]

Hi Sarah,
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I do understand what you are going through. I used to be so independant and now I constantly have to call up people just to take me to my weekly doctor appointments. I can't work and I would do anything to work again. I can't even leave my house unless it is to go to a doctor appointment. Most people can't believe my life has come to this.
I hope you feel better soon.
Feel free to email anytime.
Hugs to you.

[FluxEqualsRad]

Hey Sarah-

I completely understand how you feel, especially recently with feelings of anxiety and depression. I've been down and cried just about every other day for the past few weeks because of frustration, IC, school and work stresses. It is so easy to get depressed and down, especially when we have to deal with IC. I live with my parents as well, and definately feel the need to be alone sometimes.

Hang in there. You are right about trying to look ahead and never giving up. I try and tell myself that, as well as thinking more positively about things in general.

Hope you feel better.

<3 erin

[IC SARAH-CPP]

Thank you so much you two. I am just really freaking out here. I keep going in to this intense crying spells where I can barely breathe I am crying so hard. I want to feel better, I want to be happy and feel like a normal 26 year old woman, not a recently battered and divorced 26 year old woman.

I guess this is what it feels like to have a broken heart then. I was just saying to my friend the other day that I have never had my heart broken before, I have never been through anything like this before and it just sucks. That is the bottom line, it sucks bad.

Sarah

[leelee88]

Sarah,
I am so sorry you are having such a hard time with all this. I truly can relate. I do not think anything will help right now except time. But you are a strong woman and you will get through all this. If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to PM me at anytime..(((hugs)))

[Sally939]

Oh, honey this is just a phase. It is a hard phase but, that is life. There will be some great times in the future and some tough ones. One of the best things I like about this site is how we are all similar in many ways. I too get very anxious and feel as if I can not breath at times. Try to make a list of things that will make you not feel blue. Watch a funny movie, go shopping (if money is tight go to the grocery with a list and money from your familly. If it is warm enough try to get outside for a walk. Maybe volenteer some where. Try to get out of the house and be around people. When you feel blue and need to be alone go to your room and take some time to your self. Maybe you could mention to your familly that if you are in your room with the door shut you need them to respect that you need a little time by your self. Also ask them to not ask you questions when you come out of your room. They will understand that this is a hard time. I hope you feel better soon.

[dg2901]

While my situation is different from yours, rest assured that I can relate to the "broken heart" feeling you're describing. Life's trials can appear to be overwhelming, when in reality we know that time will pass and whatever is bothering us today will be but a memory before long.
Dont knock yourself for crying--thats normal human response to bad situations. Have your moment, regroup then move on to something that brings you happiness.
Talk to whoever you feel comfortable with when you feel the need; when you want to be alone, make that known as well; we all deserve, and need our down time--its what helps us heal.

I promise you, regardless of what you're currently going through, it will pass and you'll come out on the other side a stronger person.

Diana

[BrittanysDance]

well said Diana .....

hang in there Sarah - it will get better. Take each day as it comes - remember, we learned to crawl before we walked. :angel:

Hugs,

Brittany

[GriffsMommy]

Sarah,
I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time and you have been there for me so much over the past through days with all the crazy stuff I've been going through and here you have your own problems which are worse than mine.
I know you put in another post that you are going to have to ask your mother for the money to pay for cobra again. Please ask her for it and then go to your GP or someone who can and will prescribe you some anti-anxiety meds. I have no idea what meds you are on now because I didn't take the time to see if they were in your sig, just wanted to write to you before I go to bed myself. So if you're already on an anti-anxiety med and are still so full of anxiety that you can't sleep at all then you need to see about trying something different.
I know you are going through alot physically as well since you had to leave without your meds and went through some pretty bad withdrawl. You need to be able to rest otherwise you are going to wind up in the hospital. Being sick like we are all the time sleep is very important. Hubby laughs at me because my myspace page is the sleepy carebear, but that's me, always needing lots of rest.
I hope that as I type this you are actually getting some of the rest that you need. I can barely keep my eyes open so I know it's time for me to go to bed. I hope you feel better in the morning, if not feel free to PM me, I'm home most of the day. :grouphug:

[IC SARAH-CPP]

Thank you everyone. I had another bad night last night but finally fell asleep and ended up sleeping for 10 hours! I must have needed it badly.

I so wish my doctor would give me anti anxiety medication. I have begged both my GP and my pain doc for it and neither one would give them to me. I am going to see my therapist lady tomorrow and she is totally awesome. We have known each other for years and she really gets me so I am going to ask her to call my pain doc and ask him to give me something for anxiety. She usually gets what she wants :)

I am going to try to find some movie to watch that won't make me sad or think of everything, maybe a war movie or something,lol! Most of the movies I watch are off limits right now b/c they are chick flicks and not good to watch when your heart is breaking.

I know i just need to ask my mom for the money, I am stressing so much over it and the more I think of it the more stressed I get and that just isnt good for me. So I would rather just get it over with.

My pain has been off the charts. I finally had to switch to the Oxycontin 4 times a day, which I am allowed to do if the pain gets really intense, but I didn't want to do that b/c I am trying to conserve as much as possible so that if he cuts me off I have a little supply to help me in emergency times. It is helping though and the pain has come down a little bit today.

Anyway, thank you again for being here for me everyone. It means a lot to me.

Sarah

[lisabar36]

Hi and I am so sorry your going through this. I also can relate as I was in an abusive marriage for a long time and I know with me, I needed time. And it really does take time. I didn't sleep well at night for quite some time. I did not have the anxiety issues but it sure seems like you would benefit from something for anxiety. I hope your therapist can help you out tomorrow. I am really sorry. I hope each day gets better and better for you. You can PM me anytime.

[IC SARAH-CPP]

Im so sad I am just so upset right now. I can't stop crying :( I just have all these thoughts running through my head and feelings that are just so sad. I fell asleep and had a terrible nightmare and woke up just sweating and shaking. I hate this! I just want to feel better, I want to feel happy again.

I hate talking to my friends b/c they are all just going on with their lives, their relationships and jobs. And then there is me, the one who's life is just wrecked. And I was always the one who was ahead of everyone else. I bought a house first, I graduated from college first, I got married first and I was the one who got a good job first. Now i am just a loser. Sorry for the rant, I am just so upset right now.

Sarah

[lisabar36]

Oh please don't call yourself a looser. You just have so much going on and so many feelings right now. I am so so sorry your crying, I wish I could take your pain away. You can PM me anytime. I hope your therapist can help you. It may help to give one of your closer friends a call, maybe would help to talk to someone. Please hang in there, in time you will feel better. :pray:

[SharonA]

Sarah...Stop putting yourself down. None of this is your fault. You didn't ask for this to happen. It just did.

You will get through this. It will get better. You will recover. You will begin to live life, again.

When my son's father came home from work one evening and announced to me that he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce, he almost destroyed me. I loved him so much, but he took that love and stomped on it with both feet. He abused that love and turned it ugly.

Three days after, he filed for a divorce and I was served with papers. I thought my life was over. I suffered immensely. I thought I was ugly, unlovable, unwanted...every negative thing in the book. I hurt every day, every hour, every minute, every second. I suffered with nightmares at night and I would have negative day dreams when I was awake. I despised myself.

Slowly, very slowly...I began to recover. It did not hurt less, but I began to feel better about myself. I began to stop beating myself up and stopped taking the blame for his decisions and actions. Once I started thinking about myself in a more positive light, it began to hurt less.

It was a horrible time in my life, but it happened and I could not do anything to change that. But I could do something to change what it made me. I was able to change that deep down bitterness, self-loathing, and hurt a little at a time over a couple of years. I woke up one morning and realized that I did not have him and the loss of him on my mind as soon as I opened my eyes. I turned a corner and began walking down a different path. Not the one I had planned when I feel in love with him, but still a good one.

You will get through this. You have to hang on to that and begin to believe that you will. It may not be right now, it may not be tomorrow, but it will happen.

(((Hugs)))

[elamar]

I just started this medication called Librax a few weeks ago and it has helped me tremedously. I asked my doctor for a muscle relaxant since none of the types of meds for nerve pain were helping me. Turns out Librax is a combo of anti-spasmodics and anti-anxiety. It is actually for a spastic colon! But it really made a difference for me and I know where you are coming from! I have been suffering for almost 2 years and not one doctor would give me any form of pain medication except ultram. It really wears you down being in constant pain. I didn't really have anxiety problems - was pretty depressed due to this condition and what it has done to my life. Anyhow, I really wanted to let you know about this drug because of how well it works for me. I hope you can try it out.

[IC SARAH-CPP]

Wow Sharon that post was so right on to how i feel. I know this is so fresh for me and that I shouldn't expect to feel better right away, it has really only been 2 weeks since I left and only a few months since things have been really bad.

It is encouraging to think that I will get better at some point. Who knows how long it will take but I do know deep down that it will happen. Like you said in your post, I cant change what happened or how either of us felt but I can change what happens in the future. I can decide what choices I make from here on out and learn from this.

I just don't want to lose my faith in men or in love in general. I know that there are people who are well matched and there are men who treat their wives and families with respect and who love them unconditionally. I just didn't find that. Right now i swear I won't ever get married again but who knows? I do believe in marriage but just not for me.

I just don't want to feel like I am dying every second of every day. That is the best way to describe it, like I am just dying a slow death of sadness. I know you can't die from a broken heart though :)

Elemar- I will ask my doctor about that medication. I just hope so much that my therapist can talk them in to giving me something that will help me sleep and will help me with this horrific anxiety I keep getting. Like an elephant is sitting on my chest.

Thank you again for your posts and words of encouragement
Sarah